[Souji reacts a bit belatedly to that flinch, already too emotionally overwhelmed to properly process it for a moment or two. Then he hurriedly relocates his hand to the back of Kashuu's head, a look of acute contrition crossing his face. He's never been all that good at making his face and body tell lies, never been able to hide things as well as he wants to, and right now everything stands out in such a painfully obvious way. He's no better, huh? He keeps reminding Kashuu of painful things too, just like the others.

(He wants to be better than them. He wants Kashuu to think that he is.)

He shakes his head a little bit, a not entirely happy smile pulling on his lips.]

Not really. I'm not used to being on my own, you see? I'm not used to- to not having something to live for. But they're not here now, so...

[So if Kashuu hadn't turned up, if he hadn't made sure Souji had some kind of home away from home at his side, with the other swords... then it's very true that Souji wouldn't have known what to do with himself in the long run. It would've driven him to self-loathing and loneliness a lot faster even than his sickness can.

Another small headshake, bordering on an outright shudder.]

So... thank you. I don't know if there's anything I can do to repay you, not for everything you've done for me, but I'm very grateful.