estoria | ( OPEN )

It won't. [ still, haru opens up the fridge, pushing through the various bottles to find part of a bottle of a knock-off lemon-lime soda. he crosses to souji again, grabbing a spoon on his way and then pouring a little of the soda into the older man's glass. he mixes it with the spoon. ] I mean, you might be happy for a while, like Jirou-san, but in my experience, alcohol is used to cover up problems. It doesn't fix them. Sometimes, it makes them worse.

[ he taps the spoon off, setting it aside. ] Try that.

[ and because haru's a mom, he reaches up to test souji's forehead with the inside of his wrist, looking for fever. ] .. I'm cutting you off if you start looking worse. I don't know if you should really be drinking with your medicine, anyway.

It's like that with the ways people try to cover up bad things, huh? You always risk making it worse.

[And still, Haru mixes sweetness into the medicine for him, mixes kindness into the firm hand laying down rules around Souji. He sighs, his smile picking up a little bit, but he doesn't know if it's a good or bad thing.

He really, really misses home.]

Thank you. [He sips on the drink, and still grimaces faintly because well, he can still feel the bitterness of alcohol there. But it's not so bad like this.]

I don't think I'll be able to drink much anyway. I just... want to try. [Another little sip, and a brittle laugh at a joke that's not entirely funny.] Though if I start seeing double I really will have made things a bit worse, right? [There's plenty enough of him already, after all.]

[ his lips part, then shut. for a moment or two, haru looks visibly uncertain, the tiniest of discomforted frowns on his lips. but then he drags up a stool, climbing into it and folding his arms across the island. ]

Alcohol is terrible, and it can turn people into monsters. But.. I understand that sometimes people just want to forget things for a little while. Or.. something like that.

[ he's quiet for a moment, then two, watching souji quietly. at last, he picks up the spoon, nudging the glass with it, brows lifting slightly. ] .. Is that what brought this on? Or was it just the last straw?

[He curls up a bit where he sits, the slow sensation of guilt taking its first creeping, insect-like steps across his skin. The way Haru talks about it, it sounds like he's seen some monsters of that kind in his time. He still takes another sip of the drink, but instead of tasting terrible it honestly doesn't taste of anything at all right now.]

I've always said that I'm already a monster. But that sounds like I'm trying to make an excuse for drinking right now, doesn't it? Making excuses can't be good.

[He looks down, looks away, drawing the kanji for 'oni' in a drop of alcohol on the counter top and then wiping it away with a frown.

What brought this on? It's forcing out "Hijikata-san" at a face he doesn't know. It's having to smile at two other strangers and tell them they're the same person. It's Mutsu saying You don't know in that agonized tone of voice, and knowing it's true. It's tuberculosis. It's Kashuu avoiding him now. It's how allowing himself to be happy here feels like a betrayal. It's how he's terrified of the way Yamato looks at him, because he's only a sick and pathetic man who still wants to be a warrior, and he can never keep any promises or live up to any ideals. It's those who are dead back home, and even more those who are still alive.]

It's... a lot. I usually try not to think about it all, but right now... it's like trying to empty a bucket underwater, you know?

[ haru huffs, reaching up to push souji's hair back from his face, tucking it behind an ear. ] You're not a monster, and you never have been. You just don't have a lot of control when you fight-- that doesn't make you bad. You can't help it. And anyone who's ever told you otherwise needs to be kicked off a mountain.

[ he hesitates, glancing at the alcohol, then to his stove, then back to souji again. ]

This is just making you more miserable. I know it's not really the season for it anymore, but how about I make you a hot chocolate with a lot of marshmallows? [ in his experience, chocolate is kind of comforting all on its own. and souji looks like he could use all the comfort haru can give him. --he gets it.. in a way. haru's missing over half his swords and all four of his siblings. he can't help but think he's a bad person sometimes for occasionally enjoying himself here, away from the war and the organization's responsibilities. but.. he has to keep telling himself that there's nothing he can do about it right now, and there's no reason to just go around unhappy all the time.

though he's really, really glad that there are no other harus around. ]

[He can't help but laugh softly in response to such chiding, and he feels childishly pleased at such casual and familial affection, leaning unthinkingly into the light touch of Haru's hand. Even if he's not the same Okita Souji that wielded the two swords Haru owns, in moments like this it seems painfully obvious where both of them got their terrible thirst for love and acceptance, each in their own way.]

It's more like... when I was little I thought being a monster was bad. Then I was told it could be a good thing too. At least, that's what I always thought was meant.

[Hijikata will still talk about it in those terms, after all. To join the Shinsengumi, you have to become an oni. There's no judgement there - or if there is, it's certainly not directed at Souji. He sighs a bit tiredly, but the small smile still on his lips seems both more weary and more genuine.]

I can see your clever plan, you know. Haru-kun's special hot chocolate is something I could never ruin with alcohol, right? So that way, I won't drink. [Not that this really feels like much of a loss. He's managed to empty the glass, but filling up another seems like a struggle now.]

[ haru slides back off his stool, moving to get out the items he'll need to make hot chocolate--real chocolate, for one thing--and pulling his hair back to keep it out of his face as he works. for a moment more he's silent, thinking of the character souji had written in the condensation. ] There's a difference between a monster and an oni to me. [ he starts breaking up the chocolate as he talks, glancing briefly back at souji. ] An oni can't help what it is. It was born that way, and it'll always be an oni, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's how the world works. But a monster chooses to be a monster. A monster makes itself into one, whether gradually or all at once. So if you're one of the two, you're the oni, Souji-san. You can be scary, but it's not necessarily a bad sort of scary.

[ he falls silent again, keeping his hands busy, but when souji speaks up again, he glances back at him, eyes narrowing briefly. ] --Drink your water. [ he turns back to the stove, then, beginning to stir his small pot. ] And it's not that, not exactly. I mean, if you really wanted to drink, I'd put something in the hot chocolate for you. But I think.. it's less that you want to get drunk and more that you have a lot on your shoulders and you need a little comfort and company right now. And when you can't do anything about either of those things, being drunk seems like a good alternative, probably.

[Souji nods at the description, glad that Haru really does seem to understand. In a strange way, it almost feels like an honor to hear him talk about this in such clear tones, laying it down with the certainty of those who can see the invisible edges of the world. He can't help thinking of Hajime, and somehow this feels just like home.]

Some people are are just born a certain way too, right? [He closes his hands in front of him on the table, and then reaches over and decisively pushes the bottle away from him. Haru is right. It's about making choices, isn't it?] But I... I don't want to be a person who hurts people I care about. If that means I have to be a person who hurts others for their sake, that's the better alternative.

[He turns around a bit to watch Haru start to prepare the chocolate, sagging a bit where he sits.] I wondered a bit if it would make it easier to sleep too. [He's slept on his own these nights, completely unasked, but he doesn't want to push his own problems on either of his swords, for two very different reasons. But it's making it harder to sleep, too.] But you're right. Mostly I just wanted it to make me feel... different, maybe.

[ he rubs the back of his neck, ruffling up the short hairs that don't quite stay in his ponytail. honestly, he feels.. a little embarrassed, sometimes, when he stops to think about it. giving advice to one of the shinsengumi.. but souji's a person like anyone else, and he's sick, and he's lonely, and he misses his loved ones just like they all do. ]

Sometimes.. [ he trails off, staring very hard at his pot. ] Sometimes, we hurt one another whether we want to or not. I think that's just part of being people. [ like recently, with what dotanuki had said, and the way haru had raised his voice at him in turn. he still needs to apologize about it. ] But as for Souji-san.. I think you're good at protecting people. You took the things that make you an oni, and you use them to care for your loved ones in the best way you can. That's admirable. You could've easily made a different choice. .. An easier choice in some ways, probably.

[ one hand still stirring the pot, he goes up on his toes on his step, reaching up in one of the top cabinets for the marshmallows, then setting them on the countertop beside himself. ]

Mnngh. Alcohol makes you sleep, but not deeply or well. [ for someone who hates it so much, haru knows a lot about it. but then, he'd learned to be observant.

he hesitates, then glances back at souji again, the tops of his ears a little red. ] .. You don't need to be different. You're-- We love you the way you are. [ he glances back to his stove immediately. ] You can talk to me about-- about the things that're bothering you, you know? I know that it must be hard.. seeing someone you know here, but he's not the same. Seeing.. other versions of yourself. Handling Kashuu-kun and Yamato-kun.

[Souji ducks his head then, still smiling, but he also shakes his head a bit as if he just can't accept Haru's kind words.]

I'm not sure it's admirable at all. I was just... scared of being hated, scared of being lonely. And then someone told me what I needed to do so that he'd always need me, and... well, that's what I've been trying to do.

[That certainly doesn't sound very healthy, it's true, but Souji conveniently forgets how much he enjoys helping and protecting others. In a way, he still sees that as a kind of selfishness too.]

I guess... that's the problem, isn't it? The people that usually need me aren't here. [And they don't even really need him back home now, do they? He's only causing them pain by living now.] I think I need to feel like I'm important to people, but now there's someone here with the same name as the first person to ever make me feel needed... but he doesn't. And now there's more than one me, which-

[He falls silent then, embarrassed, but the meaning is all too clear. It makes him feel utterly superfluous.]

( OPEN )

he'll live /fluffs sooj

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