[ As Sano starts speaking, Shinpachi looks away for a moment - not entirely away, but not enough to look directly into the other man's eyes, and he clenches his teeth.
He doesn't want this. He doesn't want to hear him halt in the middle of his sentence like that, threatening to fall back just on the brink of actually saying something for once - and then when Sano does continue, the rest of the words seem to make even less sense to him. Sure, it sounds like Sano, not wanting to make anyone worry, wanting everyone to feel comfortable (he's always been a lot better at that than Shinpachi, who more or less does want the same but lets his own stubborn ideals and motivations and convictions get inbetween it always, case in point right here), but even so.. ]
Why..? Why do you even think that'd happen?
[ He slowly starts a moment or two after Sano's words have died out and the deafening silence threatens to fall straight down upon them - and Shinpachi's gaze shifts back towards those amber eyes. ]
Don't I always talk to you 'bout everything? Does that make you worry about me? Does it make you think of me less? [ Because Shinpachi knows there's all reason to, with the kind of stuff he says. Because he criticises Kondou, who everyone - including Shinpachi himself - loves. Because he saw the good in Serizawa, who everyone absolutely hated. Because he doesn't bother to shut up about things, even when they might be hurtful towards people.
Because he, too, has problems, and Sano knows all but one of them thoroughly - but he doubts it makes Sano think less of him. Even if he doesn't talk that much, he's still not someone who deceives himself to that degree. If he'd dislike Shinpachi for it, he wouldn't hang out with him the way he does, he wouldn't laugh with him and cover his back unconditionally.
And Shinpachi himself.. would he think less of Sano, if the roles were reversed? If Sano was the one talking to him about all his problems...
There's no way, right? Sano might say that he's not big and tough, but he is. Of course he still is. Even if he has problems, he's still just as great to Shinpachi. Because the fact that he worries or has problems doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's a menace on the battlefield, that's one of the few people who can even hope to keep up with Shinpachi in a fight, even if it's with a spear. It doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's a captain of the Shinsengumi. It doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's still always been there to listen to him, even when he must've been struggling with his own troubles. What, does he think he's just not allowed to have any problems of his own at all or Shinpachi will stop thinking of him highly? What kind of friendship would that be?
The thought only makes him flare up more, and in a flash his hands are on Sano's top, clutching the fabric on both sides tightly in his hands, dragging the other guy closer to him - Shinpachi's usual emotional gesture of choice, but at least in this situation it also helps keep both of them upright in varying stages of being drunk. ]
So.. So what if you have some trouble too?! You think that's gonna make me think worse of you..?! [ Never. No way in hell. Sano would have to burn down half of a city before Shinpachi will consider fully changing his mind about the guy - but he knows Sano wouldn't even be capable of that. ] Whether you share your troubles or not doesn't make you any more or less of a man, y'know!
[ His hands are still shaking, although he's not entirely sure if it's because of his emotions or just the fact that the alcohol is starting to get more and more to his head as well the more he gets worked up. Not like he can stop it by now anyway - not even Shinpachi's capable of stopping himself once he gets into an emotional fit. ]
You are Harada Sanosuke, and you'll stay Harada Sanosuke! That's why.. that's why I wanna know if something's up with you, so I can help you the way you help me..! [ Or does Sano think he's really that selfish of a guy? Another tug on the fabric. ] Because we're best friends, and..
[ His voice almost cracks a little. It's not really just anger anymore. Maybe desperation, too. Maybe just Shinpachi being a big softy, like Sano always says, maybe Shinpachi getting more and more drunk on his own fit and the alcohol. Because-- ]
And.. you're the guy I wanna stick together with 'till the end, dammit..!
[ --Because for all he knows, Sano could apparently drop dead in the next battle they're in once they arrived back in Kyoto, and Shinpachi never would have been able to understand jack shit of what was troubling one of the people he cares for the most. ]
god these keep turning out so long i'm so sorry...
He doesn't want this. He doesn't want to hear him halt in the middle of his sentence like that, threatening to fall back just on the brink of actually saying something for once - and then when Sano does continue, the rest of the words seem to make even less sense to him. Sure, it sounds like Sano, not wanting to make anyone worry, wanting everyone to feel comfortable (he's always been a lot better at that than Shinpachi, who more or less does want the same but lets his own stubborn ideals and motivations and convictions get inbetween it always, case in point right here), but even so.. ]
Why..? Why do you even think that'd happen?
[ He slowly starts a moment or two after Sano's words have died out and the deafening silence threatens to fall straight down upon them - and Shinpachi's gaze shifts back towards those amber eyes. ]
Don't I always talk to you 'bout everything? Does that make you worry about me? Does it make you think of me less? [ Because Shinpachi knows there's all reason to, with the kind of stuff he says. Because he criticises Kondou, who everyone - including Shinpachi himself - loves. Because he saw the good in Serizawa, who everyone absolutely hated. Because he doesn't bother to shut up about things, even when they might be hurtful towards people.
Because he, too, has problems, and Sano knows all but one of them thoroughly - but he doubts it makes Sano think less of him. Even if he doesn't talk that much, he's still not someone who deceives himself to that degree. If he'd dislike Shinpachi for it, he wouldn't hang out with him the way he does, he wouldn't laugh with him and cover his back unconditionally.
And Shinpachi himself.. would he think less of Sano, if the roles were reversed? If Sano was the one talking to him about all his problems...
There's no way, right? Sano might say that he's not big and tough, but he is. Of course he still is. Even if he has problems, he's still just as great to Shinpachi. Because the fact that he worries or has problems doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's a menace on the battlefield, that's one of the few people who can even hope to keep up with Shinpachi in a fight, even if it's with a spear. It doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's a captain of the Shinsengumi. It doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's still always been there to listen to him, even when he must've been struggling with his own troubles. What, does he think he's just not allowed to have any problems of his own at all or Shinpachi will stop thinking of him highly? What kind of friendship would that be?
The thought only makes him flare up more, and in a flash his hands are on Sano's top, clutching the fabric on both sides tightly in his hands, dragging the other guy closer to him - Shinpachi's usual emotional gesture of choice, but at least in this situation it also helps keep both of them upright in varying stages of being drunk. ]
So.. So what if you have some trouble too?! You think that's gonna make me think worse of you..?! [ Never. No way in hell. Sano would have to burn down half of a city before Shinpachi will consider fully changing his mind about the guy - but he knows Sano wouldn't even be capable of that. ] Whether you share your troubles or not doesn't make you any more or less of a man, y'know!
[ His hands are still shaking, although he's not entirely sure if it's because of his emotions or just the fact that the alcohol is starting to get more and more to his head as well the more he gets worked up. Not like he can stop it by now anyway - not even Shinpachi's capable of stopping himself once he gets into an emotional fit. ]
You are Harada Sanosuke, and you'll stay Harada Sanosuke! That's why.. that's why I wanna know if something's up with you, so I can help you the way you help me..! [ Or does Sano think he's really that selfish of a guy? Another tug on the fabric. ] Because we're best friends, and..
[ His voice almost cracks a little. It's not really just anger anymore. Maybe desperation, too. Maybe just Shinpachi being a big softy, like Sano always says, maybe Shinpachi getting more and more drunk on his own fit and the alcohol. Because-- ]
And.. you're the guy I wanna stick together with 'till the end, dammit..!
[ --Because for all he knows, Sano could apparently drop dead in the next battle they're in once they arrived back in Kyoto, and Shinpachi never would have been able to understand jack shit of what was troubling one of the people he cares for the most. ]