[She says all of these things that he hates to hear.
And all of these things that he's gratified to hear.
Hearing that he's always been enough... it's not true, he knows it isn't, and that thought is bitter, but... that she thinks so means something too. That someone has thought so, over the short course of his life--it means something. Maybe, in another world, another time, another situation, his work would have been enough. Maybe in some way, he would've survived.
Maybe in some way he would have made a difference.
But he didn't. And he wasn't enough. Not strong enough. Not brave enough. Not certain enough. Not... enough. In the end, he couldn't even save Marian--and that had been why he'd done all of those horrible things in the first place.
In the end, Stahn had to do that as well.
Quietly, he breathes out a slow, shuddering breath, looking away. It takes focus and determination to steady his breathing and expression, but he won't cry. He doesn't have time to cry. And he swallows.]
... Leave it.
[Just...leave it alone. Her apology isn't necessary either--she's meddling in things she doesn't understand, but it isn't as though he can be angry at her when she's just trying to tell him that everything's...okay.
Even though it's not.
But it's best to just...leave it alone at this point, he thinks. They still have to survive out here. That's--better to focus on than his own inability, and the way that this girl in front of him has infinitely more faith than he does.]
no subject
And all of these things that he's gratified to hear.
Hearing that he's always been enough... it's not true, he knows it isn't, and that thought is bitter, but... that she thinks so means something too. That someone has thought so, over the short course of his life--it means something. Maybe, in another world, another time, another situation, his work would have been enough. Maybe in some way, he would've survived.
Maybe in some way he would have made a difference.
But he didn't. And he wasn't enough. Not strong enough. Not brave enough. Not certain enough. Not... enough. In the end, he couldn't even save Marian--and that had been why he'd done all of those horrible things in the first place.
In the end, Stahn had to do that as well.
Quietly, he breathes out a slow, shuddering breath, looking away. It takes focus and determination to steady his breathing and expression, but he won't cry. He doesn't have time to cry. And he swallows.]
... Leave it.
[Just...leave it alone. Her apology isn't necessary either--she's meddling in things she doesn't understand, but it isn't as though he can be angry at her when she's just trying to tell him that everything's...okay.
Even though it's not.
But it's best to just...leave it alone at this point, he thinks. They still have to survive out here. That's--better to focus on than his own inability, and the way that this girl in front of him has infinitely more faith than he does.]