[Kazuya very nearly sighed, feeling the familiar spikes of annoyance beginning to quicken his pulse. Why was Hiro pushing this? He said sorry, he said it was irrational - it wasn't an invitation for Hiro to pull his psychologist hat on and try to... do whatever it was he was trying to do. It didn't help that Hiro was hitting a little close to home too - it's okay to be angry and to hate. No it wasn't. It definitely wasn't, especially for himself]
Will you drop it if I tell you? Fine.
[His tone started to become snappish again, moving about restlessly - pacing a few steps away from Hiro, and back again, like some sort of caged animal, his gaze intent on the Shields. The demons weren't even pretending to be attacking them now - if anything, they looked more interested in their budding soap opera drama. Figures]
I'm jealous because you- [He stopped his pacing, looking like he was trying to choke down a full lemon, before;] You're everything I'm not. You... everything went how it was supposed to go for you.
[It was then that Kaz just seemed to... deflate. His eyes were now trained on the ground between them, expression flat]
I didn't want glory or anything, but I... I wanted to save everyone, y'know. Go home afterwards and pretend it was all a bad dream. But it didn't end like that. Instead everything went wrong, and now I'm some fucked up abomination, my brother hates me so much he tried to kill me, my friends are terrified of me, humanity's stuck under the thumb of a tyrant and I... I'm ashamed of myself.
[He paused, briefly looking startled. Seemed he hadn't intended to say that last bit - hadn't realised that that was what he had actually been feeling until it passed his lips. Shame... yes, that summed it up nicely. The shame of picking the wrong choice, the shame of becoming something inhuman, the shame of feeling anger and hatred at his situation, even though that was what caused the whole mess in the first place, shame in just... being a failure, while Hiro was an aggravating success. It was petty, he knew, but...]
You were... better than me, and it's like every time I look at you, and you act- act so proud and happy, that... it's like you're rubbing it in my face. You can even freely say what you are and...
[The anger was fizzled out. Kaz kept his gaze on the floor, feeling something very indescribable. That hurt, to say that, yet he felt a little lighter. Didn't make him feel much better, but he felt as if he could breathe a little easier at least. He didn't really care, he found, if Hiro agreed or laughed at him - he was well aware that the human administrator's opinion of him was pretty low, and Kaz found that previously aggravating quality strangely liberating. He could say anything and Hiro would probably still call him an idiot and not look at him with pity. There was some cold comfort in that kind of predictability]
no subject
Will you drop it if I tell you? Fine.
[His tone started to become snappish again, moving about restlessly - pacing a few steps away from Hiro, and back again, like some sort of caged animal, his gaze intent on the Shields. The demons weren't even pretending to be attacking them now - if anything, they looked more interested in their budding soap opera drama. Figures]
I'm jealous because you- [He stopped his pacing, looking like he was trying to choke down a full lemon, before;] You're everything I'm not. You... everything went how it was supposed to go for you.
[It was then that Kaz just seemed to... deflate. His eyes were now trained on the ground between them, expression flat]
I didn't want glory or anything, but I... I wanted to save everyone, y'know. Go home afterwards and pretend it was all a bad dream. But it didn't end like that. Instead everything went wrong, and now I'm some fucked up abomination, my brother hates me so much he tried to kill me, my friends are terrified of me, humanity's stuck under the thumb of a tyrant and I... I'm ashamed of myself.
[He paused, briefly looking startled. Seemed he hadn't intended to say that last bit - hadn't realised that that was what he had actually been feeling until it passed his lips. Shame... yes, that summed it up nicely. The shame of picking the wrong choice, the shame of becoming something inhuman, the shame of feeling anger and hatred at his situation, even though that was what caused the whole mess in the first place, shame in just... being a failure, while Hiro was an aggravating success. It was petty, he knew, but...]
You were... better than me, and it's like every time I look at you, and you act- act so proud and happy, that... it's like you're rubbing it in my face. You can even freely say what you are and...
[The anger was fizzled out. Kaz kept his gaze on the floor, feeling something very indescribable. That hurt, to say that, yet he felt a little lighter. Didn't make him feel much better, but he felt as if he could breathe a little easier at least. He didn't really care, he found, if Hiro agreed or laughed at him - he was well aware that the human administrator's opinion of him was pretty low, and Kaz found that previously aggravating quality strangely liberating. He could say anything and Hiro would probably still call him an idiot and not look at him with pity. There was some cold comfort in that kind of predictability]