estoria | ( closed ) now don't you understand

Entry tags:

( closed ) now don't you understand

Who: Shinpachi & Tenka
When: One of the days after the dreams.. somewhere around there.
Where: Tenka's bar WHERE ELSE...
What: Will Shinpachi and Tenka actually manage to have a serious conversation or will alcohol beat them to the punch: another installment in the exciting series.
Rating/Warning: Should be nothing other than maybe the two of them being the idiots they are somewhere down the line, who knows.

[ Honestly, the memory-dreams in itself didn't bother Shinpachi as much. He doesn't have anything he wants to hide - that's not his policy, after all - and the memory he saw that belonged to someone else didn't have anything particularly incriminating in it either. And he does realise this doesn't necessarily mean it's over and that there might still be yet another weird twist to it.

So it's not like he's entirely off guard, but.. whatever, life still goes on. And if Zelien couldn't stop him from drinking until they practically traumatized him about alcohol for a while, then this place sure can't do so either just with those weird dreams. So despite the circumstances, Shinpachi finds himself - where else - at Tenka's bar. Without Sano for once, but it's probably more a string of coincidences that made it end up that way than anything else.

It works out just fine like this too, though. Shinpachi's sitting there with one of his first cups (so he's not drunk yet or anywhere remotely close to it), just sipping from it slightly.. mostly since his thoughts do keep wandering off towards the dreams all the same. He's been thinking about what it means, after all.

But since there's someone else here, Shinpachi might as well do what he does best - wondering out loud. ]

Hey, Tenka. [ He puts the cup down on the counter for a moment. ] You had to deal with those weird dreams too?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[On the surface, Tenka's policy mirrors Shinpachi's. After all, what is there worth hiding about a happy family who get to enjoy a wonderful town where they're well-loved even though their parents had died long ago? Certainly there's nothing that Cerealia's local bartender that gives out way too many free drinks and smiles as if he's never known loneliness could possibly want to hide, right?

... Ahah.

So he pauses in his polishing glasses at the question, looking over at Shinpachi curiously. Huh, well the other man hadn't been acting that differently. Maybe the dream that he had to go through wasn't that bad....]

Yeah. [That's the easy part.] But I actually swapped memories with my ancestor who's also here - so I think I'm pretty lucky....

[ There's a brief laugh at that statement. ]

I wouldn't be so quick as to say that. I bet a lot of my ancestors would be rolling in their graves, knowing some of the stuff I've done! [ He doesn't really mean it seriously though, since.. well, Shinpachi doesn't regret anything he's done, and he doesn't give a shit what his ancestors think of it either. Hell, he doesn't even care what his direct family thinks. He probably means more that he must look ridiculous with all the embarrassing things (like half of the stuff that happens in Tenka's bar) he's done. ]

Didn't think you'd find it so lucky though. Do you got stuff you want to hide from other people that badly?

[ It's not even prying, judging by Shinpachi's tone - it's more just a very plain question. Since to Shinpachi, who's honest as hell at all times.. well, he can't even mind the thought that some stranger saw one of his memories that could be considered pretty sensitive to some people. ]

[It's not prying - and that's the first thing Tenka notes. In truth, yes. He has plenty that he wants to hide from other people. His life hasn't been easy and it's not something that he wants to share with the world... not when there are people who might fret over him or get too sad for him if they knew. No, Tenka's misery is best left closely contained.

Especially since it's not that relevant anymore.

Still though, he hums thoughtfully at the question.... Then he responds lightly:] Sure I do. I'm a big shot back home, you know, Shinpachi-san. I've got all sorts of government secrets and important things that I need to play close to the chest--

[ . . . . and then he snorts easily.]

Nah, nothing like that. It's more like if people know certain things in my memory, it might cause trouble for others. [He tilts his head curiously, shooting it right back to Shinpachi:] Are you saying you don't have anything like that, Shinpachi-san?

[He's kind of heard that Okita Souji turns into a demon under certain circumstances. Call him curious as to why that is - though he's not yet prying about that either.]

.. A thing or two, maybe.

[ Because as honest as Shinpachi is with the world, it's true - he wouldn't want to give away anything that could influence other people too negatively. There's nothing personal he can't share, but.. well, he has to keep the whole matter with the rasetsu a secret for the Shinsengumi's sake. Not because he's afraid of paying the price with seppuku if he'd leak it, but because.. well, they're decent guys. He respects Hijikata and Kondou enough to not go shouting it everywhere.

And the other thing that he hasn't been able to talk about with people..

.. he lets out a similar snort, although there's something a little sober about it, like he's not being as exuberant as he usually is. Not as much over the top. ]

I'm pretty sure you already know one of those things, actually. [ Most people do, considering that practically everyone seems to be from further down the line in time than him. ] So maybe one thing then.

So I guess that's my one obligatory secret that every man's allowed to have, huh.

[Tenka admittedly raises a brow at that. There's... a lot that he's curious about. A thing or two but apparently Tenka knows one of those things. Normally he's good at reading people but that's almost too vague even for him. There are a couple things that Tenka would think a sensible secret for Shinpachi to have: the Shinsengumi's end and the fact that for some reason, Okita Souji is a part-time demon.

It's pretty obvious from the look on Tenka's face that he wants to ask. His poker face is normally quite good but he doesn't have any reason to really mask his thoughts around Shinpachi. The other man already automatically has his trust.

But eventually he just shakes his head softly.]

Fair enough. Then I won't ask. [ . . . and he laughs faintly.] But I admire the fact that you've lived your life so proudly otherwise.

[Tenka's lived his life stubbornly more than he has proudly - but he still doesn't think there's much that he wold change, even though he has his regrets.]

[ It's easy to see he wants to ask. Shinpachi can be oblivious to other people's feelings sometimes, sure, but when he's just talking to Tenka one on one and it's so obvious on his face.. well, no way he'd miss that. It's maybe exactly because he knows that the other is curious, yet is holding back for his sake, that Shinpachi appreciates it. ]

It's not really a choice for me. It's just that I wouldn't be able to live any other way. [ He pauses for a second to sip some more of his drink before he speaks on. ]

Living doing stuff I just know I'd regret.. that isn't my style. No matter who agrees or disagrees with me, I can only do what I think is right.

[ It's a little idealistic, and most people - if not all - probably wouldn't be able to live that way. But then again, Shinpachi is, despite his current job back home, a very good and borderline-naive person when it comes to stuff like this. ]

So if it's like that, then it's not as if I'd have anything I'd be ashamed of showing others.

[It is a little idealistic but Tenka.... sincerely likes idealistic people. So faster than any verbal response, Shinpachi's words pull a grin out of him. How... very like his friend, hah! It's stubborn and determined and so utterly good that Tenka can't be anything short of pleased. If he could live his life like that, he thinks he'd be quite pleased.

Still though, he puts aside the glass he's polishing to instead rest his arms on the counter and tilt his head at the other man, curious.]

Then what do you think you'd do if you were doing something that you thought was right in the moment, but discovered was a bad idea later down the line?

[also known as: tenka's life]

[ He lets out an audible hum, like he has to think that one over. It's not like Shinpachi has ever been in that sort of situation, after all - his life has been fairly straightforward until now - so he has to consider it for a moment.

He does reach a conclusion all the same though, since that's what Shinpachi is like. There's nothing he doesn't have an opinion about or an answer to. ]

It depends. If it's something that's bad, but only bad for me, then I'd just change course in my life and leave it all behind. No use going further down that path. [ With a small nod to himself, he puts his cup down on the counter for a moment too. ] But if it was something that was bad for others, then I'd first make sure to turn around what I wronged them with. Make it up to 'em and all. I don't think I'd be able to move on before I did any of that, I'd feel too guilty.

[It's a good way to live - both the answer that he gives and the way the answer comes to him. It makes Tenka grin all the more as his shoulders shake with soft laughter. In some ways, he thinks that he and Shinpachi aren't all that different.... but how self-assured the other man is is really something that Tenka wishes that he could emulate better.]

.... I really respect you, man.

[In case that wasn't clear. Tenka just waves a hand as he clarifies-]

Suppose you could say I was just curious. I think I mentioned to you before that Sousei and I stopped speaking for ten years and.... well, it sort of stemmed from a decision that I made a while back. It made sense at the time and I still don't think that I would change it, but.... I always think that people leaving or people getting left behind really is one of the most painful things in the world.

[ He's glad to hear that much from Tenka, really. He might not know a whole lot about the other guy other than random funny stories that doubtlessly came up during drinking, but he still knows the other is a good guy. It's just something you can tell after a while - so to hear a good guy respects him.. well, it's nice.

It brings a smile on his face that doesn't fade even when she speaks. ]

A man's just gotta make his own decisions in life, even if they're painful sometimes. [ It's not like he doesn't hate the idea of leaving people behind. The idea that the other guys of the Shinsengumi will almost all die in the future is terrible to him, after all. ] I mean.. it's not like I haven't considered quitting the Shinsengumi before over this or that, y'know?

[ Even if technically the punishment for wanting to leave is seppuku, but Shinpachi does what Shinpachi wants. ]

When something doesn't mesh with the way you wanna live life, no matter how important it might be.. there may come a time you have to leave it behind.

Edited 2015-04-04 15:02 (UTC)

[Tenka pauses at that.

It's.... validation. It's validation and Shinpachi doesn't even seem to realize that he's saying the exact words that Tenka fussed over for ten years. Leading the Yamainu didn't mesh with Tenka's way of life after his parents were murdered and so he left it. He left his friends and companions and the people who were the closest thing to family he had otherwise, and he's been tormented by the decision.

After all, Sousei hated him for it, didn't he?

So he smiles faintly down at the counter as he makes a vaguely affirming noise.]

You know.... I came to that same realization when I was younger.

[He meets Shinpachi's eyes and figures that he might as well share a little bit more about himself - he trusts the other enough. So he vaguely recalls his old conversation with Sano and asks the same question:]

How much do you know about Sousei's job?

Edited 2015-04-07 05:41 (UTC)

Sousei's?

[ It feels sort of.. oddly random to bring up Sousei's job all of a sudden. But it's not like they're just messing around the way they usually (read: almost always) do, so he figures there's got to be a reason behind it.

And Shinpachi's never the kind to turn someone down when they want to share something serious, so after a moment of surprised blinking, he thinks and answers. ]

Other than that he's the perfect kind of hardass for it? [ Okay, that's still maybe a little lightly, he's fond of Sousei but can't resist the small dig exactly because of that.. but he remains serious after it. ] He's leading the.. Yamainu, right? I figured they sort of do the stuff we do back home-- keeping the peace and all.

[Well, the dig does manage to get Tenka to laugh. How much of Tenka's time really is spent laughing at Sousei anyway? Still though... it's enough. Whether or not Sousei ever wants to disclose the Yamainu's true purpose is up to him but Shinpachi does know enough.]

Yeah.... Sousei's definitely gotten suited to the role of Captain over the past couple years.

[Which brings him back around to his point-]

Guess that's why I always think it's funny that I used to have his job. [He meets Shinpachi's eyes and manages mildly-] Ten years ago, he was my vice captain.

[And then Tenka had to leave the Yamainu and his best friend.

Whoa, look at that nice little circle that he drew.]

[ Ah, so that's it. Tenka was the captain first - which might be a slightly odd idea to most people, considering Tenka's personality, but Shinpachi knows the other guy well enough by now. Besides, Tenka reminds him of himself in some ways, and one of those ways is that he knows how to be serious even if he also knows how to fool around, so Shinpachi doesn't doubt he could've done the job too despite being so drastically different from Sousei.

But he does realise it's that thing that must've driven them apart.. Tenka left the Yamainu, or at least his position, and Sousei stuck to it--

Well, he can't say he doesn't get it. If Sano did that to him, he'd be pissed too. ]

He didn't like that you quit, huh.

[Ahah. Tenka shakes his head at that and here's the part where he helps connect even more of the dots:] I told you we didn't speak for ten years before we got here, right? I think that's a pretty clear indicator that he didn't like it.

[ . . . . and he pauses as he gets a bit more of a distant look in his eyes, reflecting on his own past and decisions.]

... I regret it a little bit. They were my closest friends - the Yamainu. They were family, really. My dad was the commander and he handpicked everyone on the squad. But when he passed away.... [Things got more complicated. More complicated than he's willing to tell Shinpachi right now but - that's just one of Tenka's secrets.]

Well, I had to do what would be best for my brothers, even if it meant leaving behind the rest of my family....

Still, it was the decision you made.

[ He sort of gets it - the Shinsengumi might not be his literal family since his own father sure isn't involved with them in any way, but it feels the same nonetheless. So even though he knows he's eventually going to leave them and even though he knows that it'll be for a good reason he can stick to, it still hurts a little.

But-- ]

No changing the past, right? Even if this or that might've hurt, you gotta believe in your decision and move on. That's the mark of a true man. [ Cheesy as all hell, yes, but he means it seriously. ]

Hey, hey, I'm moving on as best as I can.

[He remarks on that idly as he fills up Shinpachi's sake cup again, if only to give his hands something to do. And it's true -Tenka went ten years with minimal contact with the Yamainu at all, only hearing vague whispers about what they were up to.]

You gotta admit that it'd be hard if Sano-san was pissed at you to the point that he stopped talking to you.

[ Part of Shinpachi wants to say that he'd be fine. Because.. well, he would be fine, technically. Shinpachi is clingy as hell and has the biggest mancrush on Sano possible, but he's also a very independent sort of guy. He'd be fine in the end, even if he was by himself.

But Tenka's also right. It'd hurt like hell to have the guy who matters the most to him be mad at him and stop talking to him. There's a reason why the thought of Sano dying along with the other members of the Shinsengumi in the future hurts so much, after all, and even now it manages to make Shinpachi's smile very, very wry. ]

You wouldn't be able to tell by now though. That you two didn't talk for so long, I mean. [ Sousei seems perpetually annoyed and angry with Tenka, sure, but it's in this.. weirdly fond way. It's easy for Shinpachi to look at them and be able to tell they're friends, anyway, but maybe that has more to do with the way he interacts with some of his more sour friends too. ] So in the end it all turned out fine, even though you made that kinda decision..

[ He takes a gulp of his drink. ]

What a lucky bastard, that Tenka. Getting the best of all worlds.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( closed ) now don't you understand

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject