estoria | ihop this isn't

[ Ket's seen tofu before. Same with eggs, fish cakes and seaweed. With CERES handing him various street food supplies from Sierbel-knows-where, he's a little more knowledgeable about inter-world cuisine than he was a week ago – even if said cuisine includes 'sea tears' and human blood.

Salmon, though. Salmon is making his eyes almost bulge out of his skull, mouth agape, because what the kroshe, unprocessed meat what. ]

H-hey. [ He'll reach out to tug the nearest sleeve. Minato's? Probably Minato's. ] That pink stuff. Meat, right? [ Placing his face almost-into the dish, he takes a whiff. ] Or... fish? Smells like fish. [ Then he blinks, peering at Hyoubu with even more wonder than before. ]

Sir Major-Kyou... are you rich?

[ Of course he's rich. Why wouldn't he be rich? He's Hyou-Kyou. ]

Edited 2015-09-28 07:50 (UTC)

It's salmon. [But Minato doesn't even turn to look at Ket this time because he's just smiling blissfully while giving a quick lookover at all of the dishes laid out before them-it might be healthier than what he's used to eating, but food's food and Minato's nothing if not an aspiring gourmand in spite of appearances to the contrary.

Speaking of appearances, he's not impolite enough to start before the person who's paying and he's finally ditched the pockets, opting to lay his hands on his lap instead. Who would have thought the kid had manners...]

Thanks for the meal! [That would be both the standard Japanese greeting and also his way of showing how much he appreciates the thought.]

Edited 2015-09-28 13:19 (UTC)

Thanks for the meal!

[Was there an echo here? Oh, no, wait, it was just Kazuya. Wait, Kazuya?

Indeed, sitting at the table - in a chair that had definitely not been there a moment ago - was King Mooch himself. Despite his abrupt appearance, he somehow managed to make it seem as if he'd been there all along, especially when smiling with such cheery innocence. Heh, it was probably hard to believe, but, Kazuya had perfected the art of stealth back in the lockdown. When one wrong move meant you got ambushed by a pack of hungry demons, you learned to be able to move around in plain sight without being detected!]

Aaaah~ there's so much food here! And none of you even invited me. I'm so hurt.

[ Firefighting is super lucrative. Especially when you rescue people from burning buildings AND rescue their belongings as well.... without telling them.... and fence said belongings. Insurance pays for everything so everybody wins. Except the insurers, which are owned by CERES...

Right, everybody wins.

But he's loathe to divulge that bit of information, so he shrugs and says: ]

I know the owner, and —

[ ... ]

[ That little shit.

He turns. ]

Where did you come from?

Eh? [Oh no, if it isn't Kaz Mooch in person! Minato seems to snap to attention the moment Hyoubu turns around to address the other, and he quickly decides that politeness has no meaning when the food is liable to be wiped off in a single strike. But what should he do next?

> Lay claim to Kaz's share of food aggressively
> Go for the salmon
> Play it safe and begin with the fish cakes

In the end he'll play it safe for now and gingerly reach for the fish cakes on his side with a pair of chopsticks, but a sharp person might be able to catch that he already has his eyes on the poached omelets that are near to Kaz.]

...it's really good. Do you want some, Whiss-san?

Kaz, Kaz, Kaz, Kaz-Mooch not-Sir! [ Surprise guest? Np. The more the merrier, in Ket's opinion, displayed by how excitedly he's waving at Kaz. ]

You're just in time. Sir Kyou-chama is rich, you know! [ '-chama'? He meant 'Major-sama'. But when you have a head full of newly defined Japanese honorifics and zomgsalmon, things get a little mixed up. Ket doesn't even catch his little blip. ]

– Uh, sure, Sir Minato! [ And he'll reach for the fish cake with his hand, because what those weird eating sticks. ]

[Kazuya seemingly ignored Hyoubu's question in favour of returning Ket's far more welcoming greeting. He waved back, his mischievous grin turning into something more friendly. Okay, he admitted it, as weird and overbearing as Ket could be, the guy was growing on him. He reminded him so much of Midori, and no one could dislike Midori!]

Hey, squirt! Glad to see that someone is happy to see me!

[Nevermind that they were the same height, still, that was Ket's placeholder nickname until he thought of something better. Dropping his hand from his wave, he scooped up a pair of chopsticks and promptly picked up the poached omelets that Minato had been eyeing. It was as if he instinctively knew - however, he didn't eat it yet]

Aaaanyway, Major Hyou-Kyou~ [Smile, smile, smile~] I saw you three from outside and thought I'd drop by and say hello to my bestest friends in all of Cerealia! You don't mind, do you? I won't each much either, I promise, so don't worry about your wallet!

[Lies. He's totally lying. One doesn't need telepathy to be able to tell that. With how hungrily Kazuya was eyeing the food... though, to be fair, the last time he ate was... uhhh, when was it? Oh yes, it was when he broke into Kevin's apartment - which was about over a day ago? Yeah, thereabouts, just before that crazy three-way call with Ket and Minato. So, he is understandably ravenous]

[ ...

Ok "-chama" is better than fetish, at least. In any case, good luck reaching that fish cake, Ket. It disappears, teleported out from beneath his grubby hands. This was Hyoubu's parenting method, perfected long ago: if you can't grab something properly with chopsticks, it goes poof!

He also reads off Minato's salmon-lust, but doesn't act on it. What he does do is perform the same teleportation trick with Kaz's poached eggs, from Kaz's plate to his own. He smiles benevolently. ]

"Bestest friends"?

[ He can sense Kaz's hunger pangs.... Ugh, the truth is, he isn't quite miserly enough to deny food to a starving kid. Even if that kid is Kaz. ]

Oh well, in that case, help yourself.

[ He pushes a bowl of steamed rice towards Kaz as well as the fermented soybeans. ]

By the way, I spoke to a very good friend of yours the other day. Hiro-kun. He told me all sorts of interesting things.

Best friends, huh... [It's mostly mumbled to himself as Minato's deep in thought after seeing Hyoubu's teleportation in action. As far as he can tell the rules are as follows:

1. You lose your food if you don't have manners
2. You lose your food if you hesitate

He chews thoughtfully on his last fish cake while contemplating his next course of action:

> Seriously go for the salmon
> Grab some eggs from Kaz
> Have some steamed rice]

It doesn't take long for the hungry boy to decide and he decisively gets up to make off with a quarter of the salmon by using his chopsticks, pinning just enough of the fish that can be eaten in one go with the utensil before pulling the meat off the bones.

Oh, and he'll eat it immediately unlike a certain other person.]

Mmm...this is really delicious too. [And without missing a single beat he'll then turn to Ket to demonstrate how to use the chopsticks by showing him how it's done, being precise and yet slow enough for the movements to be seen.] It's like this...do you get it now?

Edited 2015-09-30 06:40 (UTC)

Uhhhh. Sort of? You use those sticks because you don't want your food to get dirty. [ Ket nods to himself, remembering a documentary he watched back in Stybon. ] It's a health precaution. If you're used to clean environments, you get infected easily because your antibodies are lacking, and then you get sick and throw up a lot. And then that food gets wasted, and you feel like kroshe. [ Documentaries and movies didn't teach Ket table manners, sadly. Neither did the army. ]

It's okay, Sir Minato, don't worry! You too, Sir Kyou-Major, Kaz. [ Nodding to each of them in turn, he then grins and Fast Shifts another fishcake into his mouth. See, no hands! Stick picking is too slow, okay. ]

Wha- hey.

[His precious omelets! The look Kaz gave Hyoubu could only be described as one of utter betrayal, his bottom lip jutting out in the tiniest of pouts. His omelets were- what the hell]

Nattō...

[Did Hyoubu seriously expect him to eat that. Kazuya was hungry but not that hungry. Only when driven to the very edges of his desperation would he ever attempt to eat that demonic thing! He pulled a face, poking at it with his chopsticks, as if expecting the innocent beans to rear up and bite him. It could happen. Seriously, their taste was enough to make him heave, and the sliminess of it... ew...]

This is too sick- [Wait, Hyoubu was talking] -Hiro?

[And just like that, Kazuya's mood dropped. His expression went blank, the natto temporarily forgotten, and went very, very still. Though Kevin had done much to assuage most of the fury Kazuya had been brimming with after his altercation with Hiro, just hearing the guy's name was still enough to make his whole body feel flush with white-hot anger. It didn't last long though, thankfully. A few heartbeats, and he wrestled that down, letting out a short breath and shrugging it off with a smile. He wasn't going to let that bastard ruin a perfectly good meal...]

Hiro saying something interesting? Now that's a laugh. [He wasn't looking at Hyoubu now. His gaze was on the table, obviously looking for his next target. Ah, someone had already gone for the salmon, a chunk of it was gone already! Well, he wasn't going to let the rest of it slip him by. He reached for it, completely disregarding the natto's existence] But I'll bite. What did he say?

[Probably something that would try to bring Hyoubu's ire down on him, no doubt. Did he say anything to Hiro...? Oh, wait, there was that joke about Hyoubu being a pervert, but c'mon, he said that to his face. Guy must be desensitised about it by now, sheesh]

[ Minato is right about Rule #1. Rule #2 however is: you lose your food if you're Kaz. Unless it's natto.

And Ket? Ket. Ket Ket Ket. Hyoubu's starting to become inured to his constant misinterpretation of... well, everything. This one is fairly innocent, as Ket's misunderstandings go. On the other hand, teleporting objects inside yourself is potentially dangerous ]

Er. Not exactly, Pants-kun. Liar-kun is telling the truth, for once.

[ As for Kaz...

Generally, he can't read the boy's mind, but this was quite a powerful emotion. Fascinating. He'll dig down further, but in the meantime, he teleports the plate of salmon exactly 20 cm to the left of where Kaz is reaching, whilst simultaneously eating the poached egg he'd purloined. ]

Hiro-kun told me about a filmmaking project the two of you worked on.

[It looks like the Major and Kaz have something personal to discuss...I should probably just leave them be.

There's the palpable sensation of awkwardness in the air as each person veers off into their own world, and Minato's sharp enough to perceive that Hyoubu's pointed teasing towards Kaz isn't going to end well for the other, although he does hope it doesn't result in yet another cracked wall, particularly as they're in a public area...

Which leaves him the choice of sticking with Ket, or helping himself to some more food before the other shoe drops- probably Kaz's shoe, which prompts Minato to look at him with the sympathetic understanding of a fellow long-suffering person.]

Did it get cut? [That's the most he's going to dryly comment on that particular subject, before helping himself to some slow-poached eggs and trying to get Ket to take some from him using his own chopsticks.] I didn't know you could teleport things too, but you don't need to do that...here, have some eggs.

Ah, yeah, Sir Hiro-dude did mention that you two were friends. [ This is directed at Kaz. ]

Well, no, he said you were a cockroach, but I guess that's just his way of showing fondness. You're acting weird, though, Kaz! You trying for a 'sarcastic type'? It doesn't suit you, no offense. [ So, newsflash, Ket is still terrible at reading moods. But did pick up on Kaz's change of tone, so it's something???

And now Ket'll skewer one of Minato's proffered eggs with a single chopstick, attempting to lift it off the plate that way. ]

Why am I Pants-kun, anyway? Everyone wears pants – and mine are super ordinary! It's not like Sir Minato and his special brand of lying.

I-

[Kazuya was beginning to look harried, caught between moving foodstuff, Hyoubu's dangerous gaze, and Ket's rapid rambling. All he wanted was edible food. This was all he wanted, and what was happening? Interrogation. Hiro. Cockroaches. Film-making- wait, cockroaches? Hold on, did Ket just call him a cockroach??? Rude!!!]

I'm... wait. [Kazuya held off on his attempt to pursue the fleeing salmon dish, holding his chopsticks aloft in the air like it was some sort of 'time out' gesture] Hyou-Kyou, I know what you're gonna ask. The answer is yes. Yes, I did call you a pervert. I always call you a pervert. Now then-

[He turned on Ket, looking appropriately offended] Who're you calling a cockroach, huh?! I'm a growing boy I need to eat, y'know! That doesn't mean I'm some pest! That's so hurtful!!

[ To Ket: ]

You're Pants-kun because half the time you don't wear pants, and —

[ Wait, Kaz. What did you say? What did you say? ]

I'M NOT A PERVERT! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PERVERT, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE! YOU'RE A PORNOGRAPHER!

[ He reaches out to grab Kaz, on purpose to shake him. ]

Not like that, Whiss-san. [You know what, Minato's just going to distance himself from the brewing drama by moving on to Chopsticks 102, a brief and educational lesson on learning how to use your utensils quickly to reach the food of your dreams.

Except that's not quite all that he does since he's done showing it in a minute or two and Hyoubu and Kaz are still at it. There's the food waiting for him as usual, or he could throw Kaz under the bus for calling Hyoubu a pervert ~~and for blowing all of his credits~~ as he's very sure by now that this is not the case...

> Ignore everyone else and finish breakfast in peace
> Throw Kaz under the bus
> Decide against karmic retribution ~~and end up throwing Kaz under the bus by accident anyway~~

...even if he's a pornographer and he said the Major has a school boy fetish, I guess it'd be rude of me to tell that to him. Whatever, it's not my business. And so Minato will absolve himself of any responsibility and calmly reach out for the soft-boiled eggs.]

Edited 2015-10-03 18:04 (UTC)

Huh? [ Kaz. Kaz what. Ket's baffled, and like with every other Ket-emotion, it shows. ] But, but I never even called you a cockroach! Even Sir Hiro-dude didn't call you a cockroach. He just described you as one. [ Kaz, pls.

And then there's Hyou-Kyou, who has some really, really weird definition of 'half'. ]

Uhhhhh. Kyou-chan. [ ... Whoops, wrong thingymabob. Title. Whatever. ] Sir Kyou-chama! 'Half' in my world means 'one of two equal parts', so what you just said doesn't make any sense.

[ And finally, Minato. Minato, why. Why are you still trying to teach Ket to use those slowpoke sticks to eat. Ket doesn't see the point, but since he's Ket and cares about Minato's feelings (sometimes), he'll obediently watch and nod. While teleporting some of that natto into his mouth.

Munch munch. It's not bad, actually. ]

[God, what has he done to deserve these trials? He's been a good son, an obedient son, and one you had killed via jealous brother you could really CUT HIM SOME SLACK HERE! Stop making him suffer for fuck's sake!!!!]

YES! I'M A PORNOGRAPHER! SO WHAT?! IT JUST MEANS MY PERV-DAR IS PRECISE!!! [And Kazuya decides to kick the drama up by ten thousand points, standing up so abruptly he knocks his chair over - and looks about three seconds away from climbing the table. All he wanted was some food, and he's being denied it by this oversensitive MAN! THIS MAN! KAZUYA WILL NOT BE DENIED HIS FOOD FUCK DAMN IT SOMETHING HAD TO GO RIGHT FOR HIM FOR ONCE!!!!] THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO PERVERTNESS, Y'KNOW!! NOTHING! IT'S A NATURAL AND NORMAL PART OF BEING A REDBLOODED MALE!!! JUST ACCEPT IT AND LET ME EAT SOME FUCKING SALMON GODDAMMIT!!!

Edited 2015-10-03 19:42 (UTC)

[ Wow that sure is some drama. Everybody's looking at them now: all the other customers, the waitstaff, even the cooks in the kitchen have come out to gawk. A sudden silence settles over the entire restaurant.

...

At this point, there's only one thing that Hyoubu can do. ]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

[ Now's your chance Kaz, if you want that salmon. Hyoubu's too busy busting his gut. Never say that God doesn't answer your prayers. ]

[> Kaz's outburst has proven to be super effective against the final boss for now, but it has no effect on the midboss, who's determined to get another share of his salmon and he's swiftly reaching out for another helping! What will Kaz do when faced with such a challenge? Will he be one with the fishy goodness, or will he be cheated of his destiny after all!?]

[ Guys. Guys. Ket doesn't come from a cartoon medium! Meaning that this is just. Well out of his depth.

Congratulations, Kaz, you've achieved the great feat of making Ket speechless. At this point, Ket's just going to lean over to whisper in Minato's ear: ]

I think Kaz is upset about something.

[To be perfectly honest, Kazuya had no idea what just happened]

Wha- why're laugh-

[Wait.

Wait.

Hyoubu laughing = distracted Hyoubu. No teleporting salmon. The salmon!

With alarming swiftness, Kazuya's head snapped round to see Minato reaching for the precious salmon, chopsticks already dangerously close. No. No, he didn't come this far so dramatically to have someone snipe it from under him! With a battle cry, he practically threw himself across the table, knocking more unimportant dishes aside in his haste to get to the salmon before Minato. Somewhere along the way, he managed to find chopsticks (where? He couldn't remember, all of his being was focused on getting that salmon) - just in time to deflect Minato's mere centimetres from his precious fish]

Not on my watch! This fish is mine, Minny!

[He even used his free hand to wildly fling a shallow bowl of soy sauce in Minato's direction to distract him - though, of course, he wasn't properly aiming, so it might hit Minato, might hit Ket, or it might even hit the guffawing Hyoubu. Just know, the soy sauce was flying somewhere]

[ Hyoubu has presided over many a food fight, and this is the moment an adult needs to step in. Sadly, Magi isn't here, so the adult who turns up instead is the owner of the restaurant — who coincidentally is also the lucky recipient of a soy sauce face shot.

He stands there with the brown liquid dripping off his face, stock-still and frozen. Finally he moves away, stiffly. If anyone's listening, they might hear him on his CEREvice, calling for an "armed security detail of androids, RIGHT AWAY!"

But nobody is listening, obviously, so Hyoubu keeps on laughing. Have at it, kids. May the best man (demon, messiah) win. ]

Did that sauce just- [Yep, that sure is soy sauce dripping down a man's face, and that sure is an angry adult standing behind them, saying something on his CEREVice that sounds like they're going to be kicked out soon.

Maybe he should:

> Attempt to diffuse the situation
> Act like nothing happened
> Make a run for it]

Ah, you got it- congrats, Kaz. [Yeah no, he's just going to eat as much as he can before they're inevitably kicked out because he's definitely not going to take responsibility for everyone, and he's genuinely impressed by Kaz's tactic prowess.

And so that's Minato acting like nothing happened, reaching out for the food out of Kaz's reach and barely chewing down on his food. Will it fall on Ket or Kaz to do something about this pandemonium, or will breakfast at Sakura's be tragically cut short by expulsion and a permanent ban!?]

[ Ket also gets hit with the sauce, but to a lesser extent than the poor restaurant owner. And while he doesn't really care about a few shirt stains, the owner clearly does. Ket only catches "security", but even Ket's not oblivious enough to ignore the implications of that. Clearly this means he has to warn his (oblivious?) friends of impending danger. ]

Hey, you three... I think the old guy's arresting us. [ That's not the warning, though. The warning is him attempting to teleport the whole table of food to the other side of the room. Yes, with the food. If he's not stopped, Kaz and Minato's chopsticks will end up grabbing at empty air. ]

Mmnphffgh- MMNFFF!!

[Yes, that was Kazuya attempting to communicate while simultaneously stuffing his face. Cheeks bulging like some sort of hamster, he scrambled to haul as many plates of food into his arms as possible and fling himself off of the table before Ket managed to finish the teleporting. Everything that he hadn't grabbed went skittering off the table in a flurry of china and cutlery as he attempted to make his grand escape.

Though, er, in his enthusiasm to leap off the table before his food was "stolen", he kind of fumbled the landing. Fumbled being he didn't quite check where he was actually going, and so, well, Ket will get a sudden lapful of Kazuya, while the poor boy's plates of precious food go flying from his arms.

The noise Kazuya made... it was one of despair...]

[ You know a food fight has escalated appropriately when somebody throws the whole table. At this point, however, Hyoubu does hear Ket's warning about being arrested, at which point he decides to telepathically listen in on the owner's angry thoughts.

(Actually he doesn't have to listen telepathically, as the owner is communicating his angry thoughts perfectly clearly, as in "GET OUT, GET OOOOOUT! GET OUT RIGHT NOW!") ]

Don't get so upset. We're going, we're going.

[ He glances at the pile of Kaz and Ket for a moment, and then shrugs, stands, retrieves his shoes, and fluidly swings out of the booth. For his own part, he's not particularly fussed about being arrested. Going to jail doesn't mean you have to stay there, if you're him. But he's not quite certain how the kids would take it (even though at least one of them (KAZ) probably deserves it), and androids are hard to hypnotize. Once they've seen your face, things get a bit tricky.

So he pulls a wad of bills from his wallet, flashes it before the owner's eyes to catch his attention, and then: ]

Thank you for the meal. We'll see you again, very soon. Pity about the androids, who are going to come here and make such a mess. Be sure to file a complaint with the appropriate authorities, okay?

Huh? [Well then, that's their cue to leave and Minato gets up as well, but he can't help but notice the discrepancy in what Hyoubu's saying as compared to the reality of their situation. He gawks for a second or two before stepping over Ket and picking up his shoes too, bowing and thanking the owner for the meal too before moving out of the booth so that the other two can do so.

And of course he has to stuff his hands into his pockets immediately after, because clearly it's the polite thing to do.]

Need any help there, both of you? You look like you could use a hand especially, Kaz. [More like a shoulder to cry on, actually...]

[ Ket knew that Kaz was dramatic. Who wouldn't, after that starvation-fueled outburst?

Ket still didn't expect Kaz to leap on him. He falls back, squeal blending in with Kaz's moan of despair as they crash in a heap of limbs. ]

Don't do that, Kaz! [ Says the boy who deprived poor Kaz of his table. But really, don't do it. Ket almost Shifted Kaz away on instinct, and that may have resulted in something much, much uglier than a simple food fight.

But Ket still has some control over his instincts, and ends up only Shifting himself, teleporting to his feet next to Minato. ] I'm good! Thanks for worrying, Sir Minato. Err... [ Panic forgotten, he'll attempt to help Kaz. By which he means Shift-teleporting the scattered food remains into a formless heap to the side. RIP salmon, you were already dead anyway. ]

You okay helping Kaz? I'll go keep Hyou-chama company! [ Without waiting for an answer, he'll clap Minato on the shoulder and then bounce out of the booth, exuding gratitude, admiration and the rest of fanboy package in Hyoubu's direction. ]

Hyouuu-Kyouuuuu! That was amaaazing!! [ Even if Ket didn't get to eat much. Food was rationed in the army, and this is probably the first time he's been able to enjoy such a grand meal with friends without worrying about their chances of survival. ]

[Kazuya was in mourning. The food he managed to stuff into his mouth wasn't enough, and he swallowed it sadly, sprawled out on the booth seat in a clear show of absolute despair. The food was gone, they were getting kicked out, and he only had enough to dull the gnawing pangs of an unpleasantly familiar hunger. He chewed briefly on his knuckle until it bled before forcing himself to stop.

It wasn't over yet!

As if spontaneously reinvigorated, Kazuya went from flopping morosely on the booth seat to launching himself out of it like a bat outta hell, picking up his shoes as he thundered out of it]

Let's go to another place! Another place, Minny, Ket, Hyou-Kyou! C'mon! The night's still young!!!

[ Leaving a trail of destruction, how nostalgic. It's been a while since he's had a hand in causing complete chaos. It makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He ruffles Ket's hair absentmindedly, glances over at Minato (who seems to have scored highest in the food consumption sweepstakes, good job kid), and then notices Kaz as he rockets out of the booth.

Poor kid. He looks absolutely bereft. And why is his hand bleeding?

...

He smiles. ]

Well, I was just going to say... anyone for pancakes?

[The way Minato exits the restaurant one would have been forgiven for thinking that he'd just had a normal breakfast, walking as casually as he does after they're done. As it is he's pleased as punch having sampled all the food he's been looking forward to, but Ket could use some more food and Kaz- well Kaz definitely needs some consoling.

And who's he to argue really, if Hyoubu's treating them?]

Sure, why not? [A brief glance over at Kaz.] ...last one there only gets to order after everyone else. [That's encouragement, right?]

ihop this isn't

INITIAL: ZOMGFOOD REACTIONS

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Chopstick battle? Chopstick battle!

+1 to chopstick battle

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fin

Done on my end