estoria | ( OPEN )

[The sound of the bottle hitting the table and rolling away is somehow still muted in comparison to the rustle of fabric, the brittleness beneath Souji's words, the painful trill that's sewn through everything left unspoken between them. That doesn't matter much, anyway. He understands even the words that aren't said, and isn't that also part of the problem?

Souji's hands are always warm. He can feel it through his shirt where they grasp so tightly, like he's afraid Kashuu will drift off if he doesn't hold him still (and isn't that exactly what he's trying to do?). He can feel the warmth from his forehead against his shoulder too, just a little clammy, always a step away from fevered - or so it seems at times. It's still not unpleasant, though. Even now, it's like slipping beneath the fluffy comforter draped over a kotatsu and falling asleep in the little cove of warmth beneath the table. Souji's hands are always warm, and they always feel like home.]

Hey... [There's hesitation - one, two beats - but Kashuu isn't a strong sword. It's hard for him to turn people away most times, and it's even harder to turn away someone who's seeking him out first. He wants to, he really wants to, but--

In the end, he can't push those familiar hands away and deny the promise of a person relying on him. His own reach up, tentative and cautious in a way he hasn't been in months, and gently cradle the back of Souji's head.]

It's okay. You don't have anything to apologize for.

[He's not pushed away.

At first, that is all that he really manages to register as his heart clenches and he feels like his fingers might crumble from the sheer tension. Kashuu isn't pushing him away, or telling him it can't be like this again, or withdrawing in any way. He's hesitant and awkward, as if all it took to raze their carefully built comfort and reliance was the reminder that in some ways Souji will always be too little, too late, but... does it matter? When all Souji really wanted was his acceptance, his acknowledgement, can it really matter?

It's what he always wants. Kashuu is just another one to add to the list. Tell me I'm a good teacher. Tell me I'm a good warrior, a good soldier. Tell me I'm a good little brother. Tell me I have done what you wanted.

Tell me I was a good master. Tell me I won't be forgotten.]

Thank you. [Maybe it's a pretty pathetic thing to say, but he can't help himself. And he keeps his head ducked and squeezes his eyes shut and thinks that he made the promise about Kondou and Hijikata anyway. A couple of tears that no one sees isn't a worse weakness than anything else.

Heaven help him, he'd worried so much about Kashuu recently, and still somehow he ends up being the one needing reassurance.]

I- I understand. I do understand. It's just that... I'm not a very strong person, right?

[Sometimes he wonders if the cracks that split his real body to pieces were ever truly mended - if the metal that was folded into his blade was enough to patch him back up. He wonders that now, when the gaps feel wide and open, when thank you whistles through like wind, leaving him stinging. Those cracks cleave down to his bones and Souji slips in snugly, worming his way past all of Kashuu's pitiful attempts at raising his guard, like rain water or the incoming tide lapping at the shore.

Souji talks about not being very strong, but doesn't the true weakness here lie with Kashuu? He had been able to manage well enough when he was given space, since the temptation to give in hadn't been present. Now it's here for the first time in days, and he can't even stand his ground against it for a full five minutes. He just can't will himself away, can't force the frigidity back into himself when he can't turn his eyes away or empty his arms again or pretend he doesn't feel wet teardrops against his shoulder. He holds Souji like he's made of glass, but his hands can't keep still forever either. That's too much like keeping him at arm's length, and now that contact has been reestablished, Kashuu is hungry for more.]

Don't say stuff like that. [So he speaks softly and his fingers start to thread through Souji's hair, gentle as a spider's weaving. He's quiet after that for a long while, struggling with something unseen, and then:]

D'you wanna talk?

[Communication - it's something that they had promised to work on together, isn't it? He's already crumbling. If he can't push Souji away, this is fine.]

Edited 2015-11-23 05:03 (UTC)

[Souji laughs a bit damply - more than just a bit helplessly - against Kashuu's shoulder. Unseen, his expression softens, becomes more relaxed as Kashuu's hands wander through his hair, little by little releasing the tension that days of separation has built up.]

But it's true, you know? I was never a very strong master, and even now... even now when you have a new master- [A better master, because Haru is nothing as secretly selfish and needy, he's sure.] -I'm still causing you trouble.

[Breathe in, breathe out. His throat feels thick with emotion still, as if breathing isn't treacherous enough already, and so Souji tries to focus on keeping it smooth and untroubled. He'd like to focus on nothing else, simply resting here for as long as he needs to, but Kashuu asks him if he wants to talk. He's not sure about that, but somehow he feels like he at the very least owes some sort of explanation.]

It's just... well, I miss home, you know? I miss everyone there. But... even if I was to go home, I'm no use to anyone there, and I'm just going to become even more of a burden to everyone, and then- [Then they'll leave him behind.]

I just couldn't stand- I didn't...

[A small sigh, and his voice shrinks.]

I don't want you to leave me behind as well. And that's unfair, I know. [Because Kashuu had probably already worked so hard to leave him behind once, he's pretty sure. And now here is Souji, making everything difficult again.]

[Kashuu is outwardly silent, and an awful, rotten part of him thinks yes, it's unfair. It's unfair to be afraid of that when you left me behind first. He doesn't blame Souji. Not really. That doesn't mean he can't be resentful, though; he is even now, even after reluctantly mending some of the bridges that he had intentionally burned, even after building some of that trust and affection back when he had tried to bury it all. It's a lingering note of bitterness that he's normally quite good at shelving, but it resurfaces sometimes.

In the way he refused to so much as say Okita's name aloud, or his rejection of the blues that most of his comrades had been summoned with.

In Ikedaya, walking through those familiar halls with Nagasone. The person with the right to say that is the Kashuu Kiyomitsu of this time, he'll say, but could he ever really mean it?

Now, as his grip tightens, fingers still wound into Souji's hair. It's a gesture that bridges between agitated and possessive, and if his former master is bad for being so in need of other people, Kashuu shares that guilt. After all, it's why he can't push Souji away now that he's heard all of that. It strikes an unpleasantly familiar chord in him; he rests his cheek against Souji's head like that might alleviate his discomfort, folding him up into his arms as best he can.]

Hey... I didn't leave, see? [Not fully, anyway. He was pulled back before he had the chance to do that.] ...But I'm sorry. Even after all we said about talking more, I didn't really wanna talk at all. I thought it'd help, but it didn't make me feel any better, and I made you sad too. I reminded you of some bad stuff, so-- so, I'm sorry.

[His grip relaxes, but he stays curled close. ...Maybe that rottenness runs a little deeper in him than he acknowledges. Maybe that ugly part enjoys the fact that Souji is so reliant on him. Actively making him miserable is certainly not something he'd ever aim for, but-- it's nice, isn't it? It's reassuring, to know that he's become something close to irreplaceable - that his brief absence had been upsetting.

That's what he wanted most, after all.]

[He doesn't deserve this. He knows he doesn't deserve this. Begging Kashuu not to leave him behind, when he knows he'd left both of his swords behind him, abandoned them because he wasn't strong enough? Selfish, that's what he is. Always asking for love and admiration and then failing to pay back what he's owed.

But those are black and ugly thoughts, too much like self-pity for Souji's liking, and so he swallows them down with the ever-present taste of blood. Deserved or not, Kashuu seems to be giving him a second chance even now, and Souji just has to do his very best to make it worth it.

Leaning back a little bit, he fusses for a moment with Kashuu's hair, which had gotten a bit mussed as Souji had clung to him. It's really just an excuse to touch that he doesn't really need, and it soon turns into slim fingers gently tracing the contours of the other's face - as if a short period of relative separation has him afraid that maybe he'll forget about them. Finally, he leans in and presses a soft kiss to Kashuu's cheek, breathing out a little bit more tension against his skin.]

I'm sorry, too. I wish I knew how to help. It must be... hard, getting reminders of it all thrown in your face like that. [One hand goes to Kashuu's neck, resting there as if Souji wants to keep him from fracturing once more.] I don't want to make it any harder for you, see? It's just... I've come to rely on your strength for so much. If it wasn't for you, I don't know what this place would've done to me by now.

[Kashuu sits almost placidly as Souji works his hair straight again, leaning without thought into his touch when he walks paths along his cheek with his fingers-- and then flinches, just a little, when his neck is touched. It's always been a delicate area for him, after Ikedaya. All the talk of reminders and how difficult things are only make that discomfort stand out more, and it's his starvation for contact that keeps him in place rather than the fact that he knows it would hurt Souji more if he broke it.

He supposes this works out well enough for the both of them in the end, though.]

Don't you think you're being a liiittle too hard on yourself? [His former master is an unbearably strong person, after all - (while he may not hero-worship like Yamato, that doesn't mean he's not blind in similar areas) - and he'd gotten along well enough without him before.

...But it's still nice to be needed. It means he won't be discarded again, right? It means he won't have to add any more bitterness to what he's already got. His hand raises, fingertips touching the back of the hand resting at his neck.]

—Anyway! You can rely on me if you need to. As long as I'm here, you won't have to face anything by yourself if you don't want to, okay?

[Souji reacts a bit belatedly to that flinch, already too emotionally overwhelmed to properly process it for a moment or two. Then he hurriedly relocates his hand to the back of Kashuu's head, a look of acute contrition crossing his face. He's never been all that good at making his face and body tell lies, never been able to hide things as well as he wants to, and right now everything stands out in such a painfully obvious way. He's no better, huh? He keeps reminding Kashuu of painful things too, just like the others.

(He wants to be better than them. He wants Kashuu to think that he is.)

He shakes his head a little bit, a not entirely happy smile pulling on his lips.]

Not really. I'm not used to being on my own, you see? I'm not used to- to not having something to live for. But they're not here now, so...

[So if Kashuu hadn't turned up, if he hadn't made sure Souji had some kind of home away from home at his side, with the other swords... then it's very true that Souji wouldn't have known what to do with himself in the long run. It would've driven him to self-loathing and loneliness a lot faster even than his sickness can.

Another small headshake, bordering on an outright shudder.]

So... thank you. I don't know if there's anything I can do to repay you, not for everything you've done for me, but I'm very grateful.

Edited 2015-12-06 00:36 (UTC)

[Considering his competition, he won't have to worry about that, at least... He holds a certain fondness for each Souji in a way, but neither of the others are held as close to his heart as this one, who's been here with him from the very start. The hands that he's held by may not be the exact same as the one who initially wielded him back in his own world, but they carry the same familiarity and warmth, and he finds himself seeking it out even if it does hurt sometimes.

Like now, where it's far too easy to let himself tilt his head against Souji's hand even though he hadn't even wanted to share the same room until a few minutes ago. The fact that he's conscientious enough to move it at all is good enough for him, even if it's a belated reaction, and he feels a little guilty for the contrition on his face. He reaches forward after a second, fingers resting against the side of Souji's face.]

...Just stay, okay? [Even though he knows no one has control over their coming and going, and it's a cruel thing to ask--] If you're not used to being on your own, that's fine. I'll stay with you too, so you don't have to be.

[It's not pretty, but there is a part of Souji that would be unable to stifle a sense of triumph if he only knew that. All he has ever wanted in life is to be important to people, to matter, to be sure at the end, there would be someone left that wouldn't throw him aside. So even if he's not necessarily an openly competitive person, the fact remains that he's always desperate to prove that no one can replace him, no one, no one...

He relaxes against Kashuu now, eyes closing at the gentle touch of his fingers, a soft smile making his face look less marked by disease for a moment, younger somehow. Not quite as young as the man, barely out of boyhood, who had first picked up this sword in fingers trembling with excitement, but perhaps there's a shadow of him there for a moment.]

I'll stay. [A small sigh. He will be truthful to his sword. He must be.] I don't know how much there is left for me to do at home, or if I'm needed at all anymore, so... I'll stay with you. For as long as I can, okay? I promise.

[It's kind of enchanting to see his expression shift like that, to see it turn up into a youthful smile. Souji isn't exactly old, not really, but his face wears the exhaustion that only someone with tuberculosis could have, and the same deep-set weariness of a warrior battling an entire era of change.

That's something he'll remember, he thinks - that look. It's one more point of endearment in the same way that his smile always is, or his honesty, or the fact that he can promise these things and it's enough for Kashuu to feel more at ease. Like this, he thinks that it might be worth the discomfort of having to face down his past every day. It's not so bad.]

Then I'll promise the same thing. [He can't do anything about Souji's home life or what he's undoubtedly going to return to - days and days of wasting away in bed until he can't even lift Yamato anymore, let alone wield him - but he can at least promise to stay by his side as long as they're both here. His hand drops down from Souji's cheek, and he holds his pinky out.]

Here!

[In so many ways, Kashuu represents everything in his own life before it started turning truly bad, before he knew he was going to lose so much more than he ever would've imagined. He also represents that moment of first horror when he knew that his own death was inevitable, that he was going to crack under the pressure of days and disease just like his sword, and thrown away to burn and be lost in the same way. But he refuses to let the shadow this throws between them hold them apart, because he wants to hold on to the person he was back then, the strength of faith he used to have.

He wants to live up to everything Kashuu saw in him back then, and grow stronger through him.

Holding out his hand, he wraps his pinky around Kashuu's, humming softly under his breath. ...whoever lies has to swallow thousand needles, huh? In the end, maybe that is what the oni in his chest represents. But it's worth it, worth it for the people he loves.]

It's a promise. Now we both can't go back, I guess. [And nothing could make him happier.]

( OPEN )

ugh sprinkles u with holy water

father forgive me for I have sinned... and so have you, u fiend

MY HANDS ARE CLEAN

THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN CLEAN

WHY U GOTTA BE SO RUDE

WHY U GOTTA BE THE WORST

YOU STARTED THIS!!

...WELL YES BUT YOU SEE. YOU DESERVE IT.

WOW what the heck someone save me from emi the demon

https://youtu.be/dWfc7odGOzo

throws u overboard goodbye

drags u down under with me <3