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Who: Kashuu Kiyomitsu

adornmental & you!
When: Slightly before and during the event
Where: Apartments + around town!
What: Kashuu deals with forgetting stupid things, being cold forever and memory shares
Rating/Warning: Memories of sword death and emperor death and probably some other deaths, it's time for a death party

A, swordhaus:
[SO, sometime before the wispy spirit animals show up but after the elemental effects set in, Kashuu can be found... freezing his ass off. It only took him the better part of a day to figure out what was triggering his weird flashbacks, so now he's sitting by the open window with a fan in as few pieces of clothing as possible (which is still a lot, honestly), eating a popsicle. He's definitely shivering... Maybe he went too far in the opposite direction?!]

This is so stupid! This is seriously the worst—! [But you know what will keep his soul warm even in the face of hypothermia? Salty, salty complaints. MMM, YES.

Anyone wandering by either in the apartment itself or walking past the window will be dragged into this salt session, either with a jealous look and a:] What, are you warm? [Or, a sympathetic look to anyone else who seems to be trying to become an igloo, and a peace offering of another pospicle.]

B, park/dojo:
[The wispy animals have shown up! Kashuu's already tried and failed to talk to his, but he does at least have some control over it, being a spirit himself.

Granted, he has to actually be paying attention to it in order for perfect control to be A Thing, and he can't devote his attention to it 24/7...

So here are the perfect times to bump into his little fox friend; either when he's doing his best to lead a class in the dojo despite all of the tomfoolery going on, or when he's on his way to or from said building and trying to plan the rest of his day out on his phone. His attention is gone and WHOOSH, SO IS THIS SKITTERISH FOX. That catches his eye, at least, though maybe not quite fast enough--]

Woah, hey— Watch out!

[AND THERE HE GOES, TOO, tripping over this fox that he can't even touch. Congrats, you get a double whammy of being knocked to the ground and then slammed with a memory.]

C, shopping district:
[By now, he's bumped into enough people that the lovely memory loss side effects are starting to show...

On one hand, he got off pretty lucky?! He hasn't forgotten any people yet, or significant events - as far as he knows, anyway. On the other...]

Ow—! Ugh... Sorry, sorry. [He may have just crashed into you/a store mannequin/a display case, because he's wearing some pretty tall heels but he sure doesn't remember how to walk in them gracefully anymore. NICE.

His sad, sad fox is still tailing him around out here too, of course, though he's getting a little irritated now that he's put two and two together. This thing needs to stop touching people?! Just, stop! Just stop!! While he's picking himself/you/this mannequin arm off the floor, he gives it a miffed look, even though it's already darted off again.]

This is your fault, y'know. Just calm down for like, five seconds!

WILDCARD:
[Hit me up with any scenario that floats your boat!]

[ooc; If we haven't plotted anything out yet, just let me know if you want a good or bad memory! If there's nothing specific you want, I'll just reach into my paintrain grabbag and give you something random. I'm down for memory swaps too, of course!]

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[Skittish fox is sufficiently spooked and won't be coming back for a little while, at least... A small blessing.

Kashuu, in the meantime, is quiet save for the deep breaths he takes through his nose in an attempt to both calm himself down and settle his stomach. The seconds tic by and he doesn't move again just yet. That feeling of isolation clings to him like a shroud, and it chills him.

...Is that how it is, then?

A part of him - not a small part, but one he still shoved away - is jealous of Yamato. In the same way some have expressed jealousy toward him for dying a "warrior's death", for leaving as a blade should, he's been jealous of the fact that Yamato was kept around, that he was by Okita's side as the days of uselessness turned into months that were cut short. Yamato wasn't used in battle, but he was still precious enough for Souji to keep around, to use as some sort of distant pinprick of hope, as if he might one day miraculously be cured and be able to hold his blade again.

Now, he understands at least a little better. It's still a painful, awful thing, isn't it? The circumstances are different, but it still leaves him reeling and empty.]

...Can you move yet?

[He should probably extract himself from this body tangle before the warmth ends up triggering a flashback, and his stomach is starting to settle, but he doesn't want to give up that closeness just yet.

It still feels too lonely.]

I can't.

[The answer comes quick and without thought, because speech is still difficult, because Kashuu's presence does nothing for feeling ill, but still, somehow, works wonders to assuage the sensation of loss and abandonment. A new, unfamiliar isolation he doesn't enjoy in the least.

He spits out more words, with less thought than the first response.]

I don't want to.

[And it's that frank honesty that has him clinging tighter and pressing his forehead to whatever of Kashuu is closest, most convenient, has him balling his fist in his clothes, and aching to hear some whining about how he'd be wrinkling it, something normal. Something that wasn't sudden, forced understanding.

He had a feeling it might not drift back to normal anytime soon, because he should extract himself and get up before the nausea and sharp pangs of fear and loss fade away, before the emotional roller coaster leaves him exhausted, drifting to sleep and nightmares there on the floor.

...Maybe it would be okay, if he got just a few minutes, just a short nap, if Kashuu was here.

Maybe that was the stolen memory luring him into this odd willingness to trust.

Sometimes, he'd found himself jealous of Kashuu, in strange, little ways. He wouldn't trade staying with Okita to the end, not for anything, but Kashuu was still able to be useful to the end, he was still able to be held and used, was still able to viciously cut down enemies until those same enemies wore him think and forced him to break. Now, he wasn't so certain, if use and use and use only brought on fear and shame and abandonment, a table with other useless items.

At least he was familiar with his own particular brand of uselessness, his own brand of guilt.]

I'm... sorry we left you.

[The honesty is stark and almost unsettling, because it's so far from their usual form of communication - the unspoken words, the mutual understanding, the terseness and barbs without any real vitriol. He feels like something that's been cracked open and left exposed, and it's a lot to take in on top of everything else.

It's because it's so overwhelming that he eventually just-- rolls over so he's on his side, reaching out instead. He thinks it would be better to whine about his wrinkled clothing, to shove this aside like everything else, but that's just. Impossible. He can't do it. He can't push this away and he won't push Yamato away, so he pulls him close instead, taking that risk - which is repaid quickly this time, at least. Kashuu is briefly locked into a memory of summer warmth and a bright veranda, sitting on one side of Souji, Yamato sitting on the other, Souji himself unable to see them but still seeming so at home.

It makes the ache in his chest worse, with that sense of strange loss still sitting there.

He doesn't need to ask what Yamato saw, either, in the next moment. That apology says everything, and he's - lost, a little. Hurt and angry all over again in a brief, reflexive spike. Cold and lonely like someone who's watched a slow, slow death march, unable to stop its forward progression. It's a lot to handle, and he's never been very good at dealing with emotions in the first place.]

You got left, too. M'sorry. It's sad— That's too sad...

[It's different, of course; Kashuu's life had ended in a blaze of white-hot emotion and fire, and Yamato's had gracelessly slugged onward, a haze of muted days and oppressive loss. But they're more similar than he had thought, in the end.]

[He doesn't want to be trouble. Doesn't want to force the warmth Kashuu had been avoiding onto him. But he also doesn't want to let go. Not... again, if he thinks about it too much. Not that he could have done anything, but the guilt still lingers.

And Kashuu pulls him close. Dashes any chance of either of them being able to just push all of this aside and ignore it to dust. Maybe it's better, this way, to accept their new understanding - confirmed by the lack of whining, confirmed stronger by words that make his blood run cold and his skin prickle at the back of his neck, and he hates it, because those were his memories, thoughts, feelings, ripped open and laid bare.

But if anyone else had to see it, then he supposed Kashuu was the one he would have chosen, too. Not Souji, theirs from the start or any other, for the guilt it would have surely caused. Not Nagasone or Kanesada or Horikawa, but Kashuu. Kashuu who was always - would always be - on, by, his side. Even when he wasn't. Even when his spot on their display stand was left empty, and his spot on the other side of Okita was, too.]

It's... okay. I think.

[It isn't. Not really. His fixation on the past was proof enough of that, but all the same, it was a little less lonely, now. A little less isolated, with the realization - no longer able to be shoved aside and ignored - that they're more similar than they would have ever consciously admitted.]

So don't be sad for me, Kashuu Kiyomitsu, and I won't be sad for you.

[So he'll simply ask - and offer - the impossible.]

Just let me be sad for a little bit first, okay?

[Because he is asking the impossible. He'd felt that isolation as if it were his own, and his heart aches for Yamato now more than it had before. He dislikes it - dislikes the fact that this city does these things, puts their emotions on display, forces them to confront the ugliest parts of themselves and shows it off to anyone with enough bad luck and even worse timing.

...But as far as bad things go, this - isn't all bad.

He hadn't realized before, just how much of a gap that lack of understanding had caused. Now that it's been forcibly shoved shut, he's still angry and still irritated and uncomfortable to no small degree, but he feels that same thing. Just a little less of that loneliness, as if the burdens he's been carrying have been melted away some, now that they're shared. And he doesn't mind sharing them, in this case - not fully, anyway. Not with Yamato, who he'd always shared some base understanding with in the first place.

There's a little sigh that has no vitriol or irritation or impatience in it, and he reaches up to pat the top of Yamato's head.

It's okay if it's not okay, he thinks. This is... okay.]

Okay...

[Because while he might have been asking the impossible, Kashuu wasn't, so it's the least he can do to concede that yeah, they're probably going to be sad for a little bit. And yeah, Kashuu would probably compartmentalize it better - and first - so being sad for a bit was... definitely on the table.

Still, Yamato sighs and scoots even closer, clings even tighter, because while he's been - vaguely - aware that this place does these things, it's still the first time he's been forced to put his darker emotions on display.

And it was to Kashuu.

So it... wasn't all bad, not at all.

He can't even be indignant about not being able to choose the time or place for sharing the memory, because that would imply he'd ever planned on sharing it at all - even verbally - and that simply wasn't the case. He can't be annoyed, or angry, because... maybe, just maybe, if something like this happened again, with someone else, it would mean that he won't be forced to share this with anyone else.

There was a safety in the assumption, even if just until it was proven untrue.]

...Me, too?

[There's a shake in his voice that is as much an admission that he's upset about it all as asking to be sad for a while was. He hates it. He's not okay, and it's okay, but it's not. He should be strong, but he isn't. He clings tighter, even as his grip loosens on Kashuu's shirt to rub gently at his back, instead, trading small comfort for small comfort, because that seems to be all he can do, for now.]

[They're probably getting Looks by now considering they're just sort of toppled over onto the side of the dojo floor, unmoving, but weirder things have happened in Cerealia and weirder things will happen and for once, Kashuu isn't fussed enough about appearances to try salvaging the moment.

There's always the risk that another flashback will be triggered, of course, since Yamato is very warm - but the tremor running through his words anchors him in place just as much as the gentle comfort of a hand against his back.]

If you want.

[If anything, what he likes the least about this is the fact that he knows Yamato clings. He sticks to the past as if it has huge amounts of worth and he doesn't let things go, static and stagnant. He holds onto his sorrows like he doesn't know how to exist without them, and the last thing Kashuu wants is to add something else to that burdensome pile. So Yamato can be sad for now, because he needs to be sad too, but he'll hope he won't have to look and see any lingering remnants of it in Yamato's eyes.

Once his bearings are a little more stable - he does get over things very, very quickly - his hand drops down over the crown of Yamato's head to ruffle up his fringe.]

[They're probably getting Looks, and while Yamato isn't fussed over appearances - ever - he would feel guilty over the fact that Kashuu is, usually, if he'd given any indication that he wanted to get up and save face at all. But he hasn't, and the floor isn't especially comfortable, but they're out of the way, at least, so...

He'll just have to make it up to him, later, if there's another unpleasant flashback, if Kashuu lets on there's another unpleasant flashback, whining to set them back on the path to normal, even if they both know they'll have to stumble along and find a new 'normal' all the same.]

I don't.

[He doesn't want to be sad, not for himself, not for Kashuu, not actively, even if it's a constant background hum on every other day. He knows he won't be letting any of it go, because while Kashuu is eager to pick himself up and run from the past, he can't force himself to turn his back on what made him - them - who they are.

He'd laugh about how they always did find themselves back to back if it wasn't such a depressing thought.

The ruffling helps to ground him, though, even if he does press his head into Kashuu's hand to try and make it stop.]

So be sad for a little and then let it go.

[He says, even though he knows that now he's the one asking the impossible. It's as hard to get Yamato to move as it is to get him to stay still. He knows, but he says it anyway, because he's hoping that there might be some tiny sliver of a chance that he'll actually take it to heart.

Those moments are ones better left in the past, and the past is best left untouched, not carried along in the day-to-day.

(Easier said than done.)

The ruffling stops, but only so Kashuu can smooth his hair down instead, tucking some behind his ear. His next words are truthful, at least, and much more plausible than his first.]

—We'll be okay.

[Even if there's something in it that might sound a little like a question, too.]

I'll try, Kashuu Kiyomitsu.

[Impossible, but... it wasn't a flat no, this time, where it might have been before. He's certainly gotten the hang of not letting the melancholy get to him when he's around others, or when he should be doing other things, by now, so with time, he should be able to tuck all this away into that corner as well.

Even if he still dusted them off from time to time, carrying them along with him, always close to his heart. Important, even if the memories were sad.

The ruffling stops, and Yamato peers up at Kashuu, finally. There are tears threatening at the corners of his eyes - of course - but they haven't fallen, evidenced enough by the fact that there's no wet spot in the front of Kashuu's shirt.]

We'll be okay.

[Less of a question, more of an answer, even if it's just a repeated response, because of that - at least - he can be sure of.]

[That's all he can ask for, isn't it? For Yamato to try, even if it'll end up impossible for him. He can't even say if it would be healthier to forget - probably not, not to the extent Kashuu does - but holding on so tightly can't be the solution.]

Good.

[It's a response to both, to Yamato trying and to the reaffirmation that they'll be okay. They always are in the end, but it's nice to have that little extra boost of reassurance, isn't it?

He takes a breath in, still trying to stabilize himself, and reaches up to dab his sleeve at Yamato's eyes so he can catch those tears before they fall. It's not surprising that they're there, though. He's always been quicker to cry, too. Fast to tears, fast to cling... A sentimental sword.]

Geez... You're always making faces like that.

[Maybe, if they were better at this, they would talk it out. Maybe Yamato would be able to let go just enough, and Kashuu would be able to remember just enough, and they could look on their pasts and not slam the door or cling so tightly. Maybe, but that would require functional communication.

They weren't terribly good at that.

What they were good at, though, is being okay, eventually, even if they weren't right now.

If they were okay, they'd have stopped cuddling on the dojo floor, and Kashuu's breath would be steady, and he wouldn't be dabbing at Yamato's eyes.]

...Faces like what?

[Quick, defensive, something edging a little closer to normal, but not quite.]

[There's a little huffy-sounding sigh, but he finishes mopping Yamato's face up and then moves to push his palm against his forehead. That gesture is also a little closer to normal.]

Faces like you're always worried the ground's gonna crumble right under your feet.

[Which is probably a surprisingly honest and genuine answer from Kashuu, but now's apparently the time for honesty, even if he's normally quite bad at it.

It can be excused, maybe, as just the two of them coping with an odd time and an even odder situation in the only ways they know how. It's not like they're particularly good at handling things even on days without headbutting goats and skittish foxes and painful memories...]

...Oh.

[Well that's... not an argument. So things are edging back towards normal, but they aren't quite there just yet, it would seem.

Mostly because it's kind of nice to just let Kashuu fuss over him without having to argue or protest to preserve his pride, and partly because they're already mired so deep in dealing with things at this very second that it's okay to not keep up appearances.]

You could stand to be more concerned about that sometimes.

[And that's the start of a circular argument, and he knows it, so he'll fire back his own little huffy sigh and mush his face into Kashuu's shirt again. It's comfy there, and that way he won't have to make eye contact when he gives in, just a little, with his own bit of odd honesty.]

And I should probably be less...

[It's too embarrassing to look him in the face now, so he's some shade of grateful for the fact that Yamato tucks his face away again, too. Though - after a second of consideration, he raises his hands, continues patting Yamato's head gently and lightly. He pats the crown of his head, the pompom puff of his ponytail, and then just lets his hand rest right above the slope of his neck in a display of reassurance.

His words are even slower to come, like he's actually giving them thought for once. Shocking. Or, more accurately, because being open and honest isn't his normal mode of operation and it feels strange to be talking so frankly about such raw things.]

Somehow it's not very even, right?

[They both take things to opposite extremes, and they're both equally aware of it, but two extremes don't cancel each other out to make a neutral. Not in this case, at least.]

...S'fine, though. We can work on it. It's not like we're running on a time limit.

[This time.]

[The quiet could have been awful and embarrassing and awkward, but it wasn't. They both were new at the whole talking things out thing, and they weren't likely to get any progress made any time soon, but... that was fine. This was progress. Baby steps.

And the silence is filled with gentle pats and little reassurances, further proof that... it's fine. Everything will be fine, in time. Even if it's strange right now, it won't be forever.]

It isn't.

[They could work on it, though that would require... actually working on it, actually talking about things, giving in when they might not have otherwise... And that's a daunting prospect to be sure, and Yamato isn't certain they'll be able to manage.

But. Kashuu was right. They didn't have a time limit, so they could take centuries if they needed to, right?

...Right?]

We'll be fine.

[Well. Things don't always run quite that smoothly, as they both know, but Kashuu is still feeling too perilously close to some unknown edge to let any of those darker sentiments well up, let alone give them voice. He wants things to be fine, he wants to have time to work them out, and even though he knows life doesn't always grant that, he doesn't think it's so bad to hope.]

Ex-act-ly! We always are.

[Kinda-sorta. More or less.

...They deal with things in their own way, at least, so it's some variation of "fine" even though it could always improve.

But with that said, he ruffles Yamato's hair one last time and considers their options. They could get up and push forward, sure, but it's not like they're really in anyone's way... So:]

You wanna stick around for a little? You haven't been sleeping a lot, lately.

[Because of course he's noticed, even if he hasn't said anything.]

Al-ways.

[And he kind of... tries... to offer a laugh, when he mimics Kashuu's speech patterns, because settling back into whatever they could call normal was the first step to actually settling back into feeling normal, but the sound is hollow and halfhearted.

Well, it was an attempt, at any rate.

And they could get up and keep pretending, but the floor isn't entirely uncomfortable, and the hair ruffling is nice, and he knows Kashuu has been having issues with heat (because of course he noticed that, too), but he's still cuddling him, so it must be okay to stay put...

So he just kind of nestles closer, actions completely contradicting words.]

No.

[And there's a huff of a sigh, too, for good measure.]

You weren't supposed to notice, you know. I've been spending time with Mutsunokami Yoshiyuki so you wouldn't.

[The horror.]

[Ah, there's a glimmer of the punkishness he's used to... His own laugh is a little lacking too, but the amusement there is still genuine.]

You're being annoying again. Say what you mean, would you?

[POT KETTLE ETC but he won't turn Yamato away now any more than he ever would. He won't even regret it if he's seized by another memory; he's tired of sitting in front of a fan and eating ice cream until he's shivering, anyway. Something warm and comforting is okay, even if it's just for a little while.

Then he makes an impressed sound, because punks will do as punks do...]

Wooow, really? You were super serious about not wanting anyone to know, huh. I'm surprised you two didn't wake the house up. [Unfortunately, he doesn't like sleeping and more than sleep seems to like him, so of course he was bound to notice eventually.]

Fine, fine... I guess it would be okay if we stayed here.

[He trusts that Kashuu would wake him up if he became especially bothersome... if he even fell asleep. He's still planning on doing his damnedest not to, but Emotions are draining, and he's comfortable, so it's a battle he's pretty sure he'll lose sooner, rather than later.]

Yes, really. Super serious. We've been trying really hard not to wake anyone up, so you weren't supposed to notice anything. [No one was supposed to notice anything, but if Kashuu - the king of willfully ignoring things - noticed, then who else knew? Hopefully no one else would call them out...]

Good. I don't feel like moving anyway.

[Just framing being comfortable as being lazy to avoid actually having to admit he's comfortable, this is fine. At the very least, he's not going to sleep any time soon, so he can make sure Yamato has as restful a nap as he can while dealing with the whole plagued by nightmares thing.]

Huh... I mean, you didn't wake me up. [So that part of their plan worked, at least!] I'd just wake up and you'd be gone. Pretty hard to miss that, y'know?

Lazy.

[He'll call him on the being lazy, but not on faking it, even though it's obvious both are true. And, if he's going to entrust his rest to anyone, then Kashuu is definitely near the top of his list of choices. Not that he'll admit it, of course.]

Ah... [Right. Kashuu's tendency to not sleep through the night either. Maybe it wasn't the best that they shared a room, after all.] I guess...

I don't wanna hear that from you.

[Yamato is the one who agreed okay, he gets a laziness pass!! Though he does appreciate the fact that no direct mentions are made regarding the general comfort of just chilling out on the floor like a couple of drunk college kids. This is fine.]

Good try though, I guess. ...It was a nice thought, anyway.

[There might just be a little nugget of "thank you, that was considerate" in that.]

Laaaaa~aazy.

[Punks gotta punk. Sure, he agreed, but he's gotta give Kashuu a hard time about it anyway. Especially when he told him not to. It's the Way Of The Gumi, and really should have been expected.

Nothing wrong with chilling on the floor like a couple of drunk college kids. It's when they're chilling on a couch or a futon (like normal people) that it becomes weird. Or something like that. This is fine.]

I thought it was.

[Because he totally thought that little peek of thanks, but he totally can't acknowledge it at all.]

[REACHING OUT TO PINCH YAMATO'S NOSE SHUT. But only for a moment, like he's just barely got to let his ire be known.]

You should put that kinda thought into other stuff.

[ie "MAYBE BE LESS OF A BRAT".

Except not, because that's just how they function. He's not sure he'd know what to do if Yamato ever actually started being nice to him. Probably accuse him of being a pod person... He'd probably be right, too.

So in the end he just leaves it at that, before reaching up to start smoothing his hair down again. It's an aimless gesture, meant to be more soothing than actually useful, like he's trying to help lull Yamato into a hopefully nightmare-free nap.]

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tsukainikui - 2016-09-10 07:32 (UTC) - Expand

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