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[fadeling]

Who: fadeling & Whoever
When: IC 8/1
Where: Shopping district
What: Cole has been avoiding people, if you want to talk to him now's probably the best time for an ambush
Rating/Warning:G/PG - No warnings so far

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It isn't hard for him to avoid people--they don't see him if he doesn't want them to. And it was easier for everyone if he did for a while. He couldn't help and if he tried he might have put his hurt on them. Then he would be worse than what they'd already said he was.

And that circular logic ran itself around in his head until he was dizzy. He can't hurt anyone or it wouldn't be him. He's still him so he can't have hurt anyone.

But what if he had? He helped and he left them healed behind him, he thought, but...

But.

But he can't stay to see, there are too many others who need help. And if he hindered instead of healed, that was hurting them too. He was supposed to help people. Was he helping people? He couldn't tell anymore. It was all cluttered, unclear and clouded, cloying and clawing and clutching coy at clinging. It was hard to see through, hard to think through, hard to see, hard to hear. It hurt to look at but he couldn't look anywhere else.

He's not the one who's supposed to hurt, to be conflicted. He was only one thing, how could he do that wrong?

He crouched in the middle of the street, passersby flowing around him, not noticing that they even moved around him, but not seeing him either. That was part of it, too, and he didn't want to be noticed. He could still hear the hurting, but he hesitated, trying not to listen, trying to lose himself in the sounds of it. Maybe if there was too much to listen to, he could forget himself for a moment. Maybe if he couldn't pull it apart, he wouldn't have to try and then he wouldn't hurt anyone.

It really wasn't working.

"Touch and try and hurt or don't touch and don't try and don't hurt. Or touch and don't hurt. Too many threads, tied together tight in tiny tangles."

But they'd caught him in them, too when he was supposed to be clean. He couldn't even tell if he was that anymore.

Comments

[bheidh]

It was easy to know where to look if you knew what you were doing. It was difficult to know where to look if there was something stopping you from seeing, but that didn't stop Leliana from hearing. She'd been heading to one of the cafes when she'd heard the voice - an unmistakable voice that, when she saw no one there, told her who it was - and that Cole hadn't fully left this place. Her birds (her new CYbuddies) had been unable to find him, but now she had.

It's only a guess that lands Leliana in front of him - trusting her hearing to carry her steps towards him until, she hopes, she's just a hand's reach away. Though his words could often be confusing these sounded more worrying, as if something had - or would happen.

"Then let us un-weave them." It wouldn't be easy, not if he could feel or sense something greater, but whatever would come was not something he would be alone in.

[fadeling]

That shouldn't have been a surprise, really. The Inquisition always saw him, eyes stuck instead of sliding. Maybe it was because the Inquisition made them more. Or maybe they were like Rhys and they cared more, maybe that was what made them look.

He didn't move at all, still staring at nothing in particular in front of him. It was easier than seeing all the faces that he wouldn't remember later. If he didn't have a face to match to a hurt, maybe that would make it easier too. But he could feel her coming, too. She was brighter and darker than the others around him.

"I don't think I can. Not without touching. The other bird said I shouldn't touch."

[faithfulflame]

It's honestly hard to miss someone like Cole, at least for Rei. Her senses are rather keenly attuned to the world he truly inhabits, and moreover he has an extremely distinctive hat. Picking him out of the crowd, she glided closer, a pair of large crows perched on her shoulders. She fixed Cole with a look and crouched down beside him, just letting him speak and taking it in silently until he finished.

"There's a lot of strands all tied together, yes, Cole-san. But that doesn't mean that you're going to have to undo them all alone."

[fadeling]

A new voice, but one he remembered at least. She was kind to him and he tried to remember the people like that. It wasn't very often than people were. Usually they just forgot. He tried to remember those ones also. If they remembered, they were different and that was enough a reason not to forget.

"Maybe. It's too hard to tell without touching."

[faithfulflame]

"Well, you shouldn't go touching without knowing where all the strands come from, should you?"

Rei keeps her voice steady and calm, and offers her hand to Cole if he wants to take it.

"And maybe we should move out of people's way, hmm? Someplace quieter?"

[fadeling]

"It's from everyone, all over, tying together and tearing apart. I should help." But should he really? If he touched and he hurt he would never forgive himself. But he had to help. Somehow. Even if he was afraid to now.

"It's alright. I like listening."

[faithfulflame]

"How will you help them, Cole-san?" As if she doesn't need help sometimes too.

"And if you're sure. But maybe, let's move out of the street. I don't want to be stepped on."

[fadeling]

"I don't know." How was he even supposed to anymore without knowing whether he was hurting them later to help them now?

"They won't see us. They don't know we're here. They go around."

[bheidh]

Another bird. Someone that Cole had been speaking to, someone that perhaps didn't know - or trust him so well. Leliana had always known Cole to help people, but if something had happened? Something that made him doubt, well-

"Who said that?" Who is this bird? Who should she worry about?

[fadeling]

"The other bird. Red wings like a sunset, sailor's delight. 'I don't want your help. What good does it do?'" But that wasn't the part that hurt. He could handle people rejecting him and rejecting his help. If they weren't ready or didn't want it, he wouldn't force them.

"He said I shouldn't touch. They both said I hurt people by helping." And not just said--almost convinced. And that was why he hesitated.

[faithfulflame]

"Fair enough," Rei said to both questions before looking down at her hands. She wasn't very good at this she knew, but she did want to try and help. He was a nice...spirit after all.

"Cole-san, how do you usually help people?"

[fadeling]

"How they need it. It's different for different people." Some were easier than others. Some people wanted help and some people didn't.
But the balance he'd struck before was what he was questioning now. What help now would hurt later? And how would he know.

"Sometimes it's a thing, food, blankets. Sometimes it's a person to listen. Or...or sometimes when it gets stuck they need to forget."

[faithfulflame]

"You mean you just sort of...watch them and find out what they need?" Rei asks, honestly a little amused by that. It's actually sweet in a strange way, though...there's something that sticks out to her. Really sticks out.

"And you can make them forget bad memories?"

[fadeling]

That was always the part the stuck, and he curled himself closer, closing himself off and even pulling away, just waiting for the yelling to begin again.

"Sometimes. If they need it. It shouldn't be stuck forever, so I shake it loose and I let them forget."

[faithfulflame]

Rei? Doesn't yell. She doesn't even come close. She just sort of crouches there, looking at him.

"That's actually very nice of you," is what she does finally say. Speaking as someone who has seen some incredibly nightmarish things, and who's used her powers to make humans think that it was a dream or...never happened? She doesn't think this is bad.

[fadeling]

When the yelling never came, he relaxed a little, but still continued staring at the ground, speaking almost too softly to hear.

"Maybe. The bird was angry I tried. His friend said it hurt people later." And he'd made him believe it, too. That he couldn't forget no matter how much he wanted to.

[faithfulflame]

"It can, yes, but it can also heal. I've made people forget before. It's sometimes less hurt than remembering," Rei said quietly. "Sometimes people see things that they shouldn't, monsters and beasts."

[bheidh]

Leliana hadn't seen this bird before, but she'd certainly be keeping an eye out for them. Though she couldn't say that she truly understood Cole - he had experienced more of their lives than she had, and she didn't know him so well yet - Leliana knew a few things about him, and they were all that she needed to know. Little else mattered, until this. Someone doubted him, or had hurt him - they'd made him doubt himself.

"Helping people does not hurt them." It can sometimes if advice goes wrong, but that wasn't how Cole helped them. He touched, took away pain. That was not a bad thing - that didn't hurt them.

"You helped the Inquisition before you knew us. Many would have been lost otherwise." And that was partly why she'd been intrigued enough to want to listen to him again - that and his curious situation.

[fadeling]

"Yes." That's what he had always thought, and it was comforting to hear someone agree. He almost reached out toward one of the hurts he could hear surrounding him, until he almost touched it...

But what if...

He pulled himself back in and shook his head.

"No. I don't take it. I don't make it mine. I don't make them less and I don't make me more. I don't hurt. But...but is losing learning? I-if the pain pulls pieces apart and they forget how do they know later if it comes back?"

[fadeling]

"But it could. It could hurt. I don't know if it does. That's enough." It was more the uncertainty than anything. If he didn't know the full consequences, it could mean that they were hurt more later when he wasn't there, wasn't looking.

Could he even think that far ahead? Or was it better just to not touch now that he knew?

"I don't know. It's too tangled, too tied together. I can't touch without tearing."

[faithfulflame]

"I didn't say you did, Cole-san. If you took it, and kept it, then you'd be a thief. And I don't think you're a thief."

Honestly he seems a little too otherworldly to be one, with no real care for possessions except probably that hat.

"I don't know if you can learn something by losing a memory, though. Maybe that's one problem. But sometimes there are secrets nobody is meant to learn, don't you think?"

She's actually pretty confused, not following his train of thought, but she's trying to keep up.

[fadeling]

"No. If they lose it then maybe they don't learn it and it could hurt again. I help them forget so I hurt them, maybe. I don't know. It's...hazy. Clouded and covered and hidden." And the more he thought about it the more confused he got. He was only one thing, what was he supposed to do if he did it wrong?

"I...I don't make them forget it happened, I let them forget it hurt. I don't do it always, only if they need it."

[faithfulflame]

"Ah. That's different," Rei says with a little shrug. She thinks she has a handle on what he does now. Makes it foggy. Removes the bad parts.

"There's nothing wrong with that. You just...do you ask first?"

[fadeling]

"They tell me." Which, really, isn't the same thing but he doesn't take things they don't want to lose. That would be cruel and he wasn't that. He'd seen what that did and he wanted nothing to do with it.

[makigumo]

"Oh look at this, there's a statue game going on!"

It's not clear that she's talking about him. Shihoudou has this ability where she notices people that doesn't want to be noticed simply because they don't want to be noticed, because she loves to meddle, and, well.

Being the annoyance that she is, she decides to play this imaginary game as well. And she flops down, her back on his, and makes a dramatic pose. She needs to learn how personal space works but at her high age she's not going to do that.