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[fadeling]

Who: fadeling & Whoever
When: IC 8/1
Where: Shopping district
What: Cole has been avoiding people, if you want to talk to him now's probably the best time for an ambush
Rating/Warning:G/PG - No warnings so far

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It isn't hard for him to avoid people--they don't see him if he doesn't want them to. And it was easier for everyone if he did for a while. He couldn't help and if he tried he might have put his hurt on them. Then he would be worse than what they'd already said he was.

And that circular logic ran itself around in his head until he was dizzy. He can't hurt anyone or it wouldn't be him. He's still him so he can't have hurt anyone.

But what if he had? He helped and he left them healed behind him, he thought, but...

But.

But he can't stay to see, there are too many others who need help. And if he hindered instead of healed, that was hurting them too. He was supposed to help people. Was he helping people? He couldn't tell anymore. It was all cluttered, unclear and clouded, cloying and clawing and clutching coy at clinging. It was hard to see through, hard to think through, hard to see, hard to hear. It hurt to look at but he couldn't look anywhere else.

He's not the one who's supposed to hurt, to be conflicted. He was only one thing, how could he do that wrong?

He crouched in the middle of the street, passersby flowing around him, not noticing that they even moved around him, but not seeing him either. That was part of it, too, and he didn't want to be noticed. He could still hear the hurting, but he hesitated, trying not to listen, trying to lose himself in the sounds of it. Maybe if there was too much to listen to, he could forget himself for a moment. Maybe if he couldn't pull it apart, he wouldn't have to try and then he wouldn't hurt anyone.

It really wasn't working.

"Touch and try and hurt or don't touch and don't try and don't hurt. Or touch and don't hurt. Too many threads, tied together tight in tiny tangles."

But they'd caught him in them, too when he was supposed to be clean. He couldn't even tell if he was that anymore.

Comments

[bheidh]

It was easy to know where to look if you knew what you were doing. It was difficult to know where to look if there was something stopping you from seeing, but that didn't stop Leliana from hearing. She'd been heading to one of the cafes when she'd heard the voice - an unmistakable voice that, when she saw no one there, told her who it was - and that Cole hadn't fully left this place. Her birds (her new CYbuddies) had been unable to find him, but now she had.

It's only a guess that lands Leliana in front of him - trusting her hearing to carry her steps towards him until, she hopes, she's just a hand's reach away. Though his words could often be confusing these sounded more worrying, as if something had - or would happen.

"Then let us un-weave them." It wouldn't be easy, not if he could feel or sense something greater, but whatever would come was not something he would be alone in.

[fadeling]

That shouldn't have been a surprise, really. The Inquisition always saw him, eyes stuck instead of sliding. Maybe it was because the Inquisition made them more. Or maybe they were like Rhys and they cared more, maybe that was what made them look.

He didn't move at all, still staring at nothing in particular in front of him. It was easier than seeing all the faces that he wouldn't remember later. If he didn't have a face to match to a hurt, maybe that would make it easier too. But he could feel her coming, too. She was brighter and darker than the others around him.

"I don't think I can. Not without touching. The other bird said I shouldn't touch."

[bheidh]

Another bird. Someone that Cole had been speaking to, someone that perhaps didn't know - or trust him so well. Leliana had always known Cole to help people, but if something had happened? Something that made him doubt, well-

"Who said that?" Who is this bird? Who should she worry about?

[fadeling]

"The other bird. Red wings like a sunset, sailor's delight. 'I don't want your help. What good does it do?'" But that wasn't the part that hurt. He could handle people rejecting him and rejecting his help. If they weren't ready or didn't want it, he wouldn't force them.

"He said I shouldn't touch. They both said I hurt people by helping." And not just said--almost convinced. And that was why he hesitated.

[bheidh]

Leliana hadn't seen this bird before, but she'd certainly be keeping an eye out for them. Though she couldn't say that she truly understood Cole - he had experienced more of their lives than she had, and she didn't know him so well yet - Leliana knew a few things about him, and they were all that she needed to know. Little else mattered, until this. Someone doubted him, or had hurt him - they'd made him doubt himself.

"Helping people does not hurt them." It can sometimes if advice goes wrong, but that wasn't how Cole helped them. He touched, took away pain. That was not a bad thing - that didn't hurt them.

"You helped the Inquisition before you knew us. Many would have been lost otherwise." And that was partly why she'd been intrigued enough to want to listen to him again - that and his curious situation.

[fadeling]

"But it could. It could hurt. I don't know if it does. That's enough." It was more the uncertainty than anything. If he didn't know the full consequences, it could mean that they were hurt more later when he wasn't there, wasn't looking.

Could he even think that far ahead? Or was it better just to not touch now that he knew?

"I don't know. It's too tangled, too tied together. I can't touch without tearing."

[bheidh]

And that's telling, the doubt of it all. Cole had only helped before, never doubted that he was able to help. Now? To hear it sound so different, to not be willing to put himself out there to help?

"Who told you you shouldn't help?"

Because she isn't happy about that. She'd like to know who - why. She has her own prejudices against demons, but Cole is not a demon.

[faithfulflame]

It's honestly hard to miss someone like Cole, at least for Rei. Her senses are rather keenly attuned to the world he truly inhabits, and moreover he has an extremely distinctive hat. Picking him out of the crowd, she glided closer, a pair of large crows perched on her shoulders. She fixed Cole with a look and crouched down beside him, just letting him speak and taking it in silently until he finished.

"There's a lot of strands all tied together, yes, Cole-san. But that doesn't mean that you're going to have to undo them all alone."

[fadeling]

A new voice, but one he remembered at least. She was kind to him and he tried to remember the people like that. It wasn't very often than people were. Usually they just forgot. He tried to remember those ones also. If they remembered, they were different and that was enough a reason not to forget.

"Maybe. It's too hard to tell without touching."

[faithfulflame]

"Well, you shouldn't go touching without knowing where all the strands come from, should you?"

Rei keeps her voice steady and calm, and offers her hand to Cole if he wants to take it.

"And maybe we should move out of people's way, hmm? Someplace quieter?"

[fadeling]

"It's from everyone, all over, tying together and tearing apart. I should help." But should he really? If he touched and he hurt he would never forgive himself. But he had to help. Somehow. Even if he was afraid to now.

"It's alright. I like listening."

[faithfulflame]

"How will you help them, Cole-san?" As if she doesn't need help sometimes too.

"And if you're sure. But maybe, let's move out of the street. I don't want to be stepped on."

[fadeling]

"I don't know." How was he even supposed to anymore without knowing whether he was hurting them later to help them now?

"They won't see us. They don't know we're here. They go around."

[makigumo]

"Oh look at this, there's a statue game going on!"

It's not clear that she's talking about him. Shihoudou has this ability where she notices people that doesn't want to be noticed simply because they don't want to be noticed, because she loves to meddle, and, well.

Being the annoyance that she is, she decides to play this imaginary game as well. And she flops down, her back on his, and makes a dramatic pose. She needs to learn how personal space works but at her high age she's not going to do that.

[fadeling]

As soon as he felt her touch him he vanished, appearing again a few feet down the road. The people still don't seem to notice, they just adjust their pats accordingly, not even looking at him once.

At least he was off the ground, if not out of the way. And more than a little bit startled.

"There aren't any statues. They're people."

[makigumo]

Now wasn't that just impolite? (Not that she should comment.) But she didn't fall to the ground, because a cloud floated out of the sword tied to the back of her pants and she still got to pull off her dumb pose.

Then she pulls himself up on the cloud to sit on it, legs dangling just a bit over the ground. She points at him with one of those feet. "I meant you, you were doing a statue pose and everything, Statue-chan."

[fadeling]

She was even more confusing than the people around him, but at least she was a distraction that kept him from focusing on his own hurting. It was still there, though, always in the back, behind and underneath everything else.

"I'm not either. I'm me."

[makigumo]

Look, if you were gonna take the time to hurt, then make sure you hurt in a fun way. It's much easier to do that when you're not immobilized and almost dying for a month, and it's also much more fun to just shove down that pain until you're ready to face it.

"And in this case me---that is you--" she points at him, "is playing statue for some reason, but for some other reason the me that is you doesn't want to admit it, what's up with that, granny wants to know."

[fadeling]

"I help people. I heal the hurt. It shouldn't hurt." It's confusing and painful all on its own, even without knowing that touching anyone to help--even himself--might hurt later.

"It's...like burning, bright and blinding but...invisible. Under your skin so only you can see it."

[neverexpected]

Friends disappearing left and right make for a panicky Inquisitor as she realizes that she hasn't seen Cole in quite some time. It's not an unusual habit for the spirit to fade out of her and others' notice for extended periods of time, but recent circumstances have her on edge more than usual.

Which is why Lavellan finds herself wandering the streets of the colony, eyes darting to and fro for any sign of Cole. Hopefully, he's around and willing to be discovered.

[fadeling]

He could always tell when she got close--she was bright enough to feel and not just see. There was a moment when he almost didn't want to reveal himself, but she was concerned. He couldn't let her keep worrying, even if he would have preferred to keep to himself.

He was at least courteous enough not to come from behind her.

"I lost myself in the losing to lose something else. Red rage and feathers. Sorry."

[neverexpected]

"Cole!"

Where the spirit was courteous in avoiding subtlety, Lavellan's naturally overt nature made itself known with energetic and bombastic flair as she grabbed his upper arms, as if making sure he was truly there.

"Don't be sorry, falon. I'm glad you're okay."

Maybe she was in denial concerning her distress over the loss of their friends.

"You, ah, you are okay, right?"

After all, Cole wouldn't disappear without reason.

WOW OKAY SORRY I THOUGHT I ANSWERED THIS YESTERDAY :|

[fadeling]

He didn't even pull away from that touch like he might have before--or had it been anyone else. If she needed to touch, he wouldn't stop her, even if he tried not to make eye contact, instead dropping his eyes to the ground in front of him.

"Yes. Maybe." But that was a lie, and he paused to think about that for a moment before he shook his head.

"No. It's..loud and quiet but it needs to be louder...and quieter. Tied and tangled and twisted until it tightens, told and trying. I don't know anymore."

IT'S ALL GOOD

[neverexpected]

Lavellan's social background makes it almost impossible for her not to touch her closest friends. A quick brush of an arm with her long fingers here, a playful poke there, it's all her way of showing just how much she cares outside of her usual actions.

"Thank you for telling me the truth," she begins. It's tough to be honest with one's feelings, even for spirits.

"What can I do to help?"

THANK YOU ;o;

[fadeling]

"I don't know." That really described everything he was feeling right now. How was he supposed to feel? He'd been one thing for so long, he'd forgotten how to be anything else, brought bright and broken to an edge he'd never known was there.

It was an uncomfortable feeling.

"It's...lost. I tried to find the feelings--I tried to help. I can hear it but...maybe it hurts instead of helping. I don't know.