estoria | oh all that I know / there's nothing here to run from [CLOSED]

Entry tags:

oh all that I know / there's nothing here to run from [CLOSED]

Who: Yosuke Hanamura

covenantal
When: Roughly IC 8/9 or around there.
Where: The park.
What: No secrets between best friends, right? Yu has something to tell Yosuke, and it isn't going to go that well.
Rating/Warning: PG-13 for content? P for Partners?

[ It wouldn't be wrong to say he's been dreading this.

It's been closer to a buzzing beneath his skin, a constant case of low-level nerves that's left him with more energy than he can burn. Knowing that he'll have to admit this to, do this to, Yosuke, someone who's been so supportive of him

i just want you to know that were here for you ok?
that im here
you dont have to do anything that youre not ready for
and you dont have to do it alone
because youre not alone

when in return, all he can be is...

... someone who keeps failing the people who care most for him.

(Rise.)

Yu heads to the park with the same restless sense of foreboding. He arranged it just so that he and Yosuke would arrive separately. It felt like a small mercy not to go together, to spare maintaining a normal conversation only to flip it on its head with the revelation he has to share. It's easier this way. Isn't it?

Guilt rides him hard for making it easier only on himself.

Yosuke will find him at their agreed-on spot, a place within sight of the park's playground. Yu is sitting on a bench with his hands curled together, watching the playground with a strange sense of nostalgia about him. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Yosuke really has no idea what he's in for.

Yu wants to talk and it seems like it's something important, but Yosuke is just glad that Yu still seems to trust him with the sensitive stuff. After everything that's happened back home, after everything that's happened and just keeps happening in Cerealia, he's had a few moments of doubt. Moments where Yu seems a little too distant and withdraws into himself. Moments that he probably missed as his memories slowly slipped away that week.

He's made a promise to pay extra close attention as if that will somehow make up for it.

They've both been busy but as promised, he makes time for Yu. He always will, really, without question. So after a shift at his ~~thrifting~~ modeling gig--he really likes saying that, too bad it's all second-hand--he makes his way to the park.

It's not hard to spot Yu and Yosuke doesn't hesitate to wave and call out. ]

Hey, Yu!

[ He's grinning and trotting over as would be expected. Nevermind that he's wearing an stylin' outfit from work (whoops? never let it be said he doesn't take his work home with him...ha!), but there's definitely what looks like an acoustic guitar strapped to his back. One he didn't have before.

As he slows down in his approach, Yosuke takes a moment to look around. It does remind him a little bit of Inaba, that place up on the hill where they'd hang out and look out on the town. Of course the view isn't the same, but it's a nice spot, he realizes. ]

Whew! Public transport here is pretty reliable, I gotta say. [ He looks at his CereVice. ] Yep, right on time. [ And promptly shoves it back into his pocket. ]

How's it going?

[ He takes a moment to look Yu over, his expression softening a bit. ]

Didn't keep you waiting, did I?

[ Maybe he should have picked another spot.

He remembers coming here once before, to find a girl up on a tower, to talk but not talk about death.

Then again, he's got strange and intense memories associated with so many parts of this city, now. So many parts of this world.

Yu looks up when he hears a voice calling out his name, and his expression softens into a barely-there smile. He's not particularly dressed up himself, as his shift at Niteo doesn't start until later in the day. But Yosuke looks great in the clothing from his modeling job. A little surprising, considering it's thrift store modeling, but maybe you can find hidden gems at a place like that...

With a shake of his head, Yu gets his thoughts back on track and waves his friend over, gesturing for Yosuke to take a seat, if he wants. There's no one around, which makes this as good a place as any for this talk. ]

No, not at all. Like you said, you're right on time. Thanks for meeting me.

[ (don't look at me that way)

The shape of Yu's eyes will change slightly as his brows lift and pull together just slightly. It gives his smile a crooked look. ]

You know, you didn't have to get all dressed up on my account. [ said lightly, teasing. ]

[ Yosuke doesn't hesitate to take the offered seat, only pausing so he can pull the strap of the guitar off of his chest and shoulder to set it on the other side, the neck resting on his lap. Perhaps he should be a little suspicious of why Yu asked him to meet out here rather than hashing it out at the apartment, but he's been pretty prone to dragging Yu all over Inaba for his heart-to-hearts. So really, it seems like any other jump in their Social Link.

Yu's smiling, but he's not actually smiling. Yosuke can tell that right away. There's a big difference between the forced curve of his lips and when he actually is expressing joy. He's...guarded. That's what it is. Whatever's on his mind is clearly weighing on him. Has Yosuke underestimated the seriousness of this?

Still, he jokes, and Yosuke returns the smile with a lopsided one of his own, genuine, but a little uncertain all of a sudden. ]

Are you saying I don't always look this good?

[ He was pretty sure working for a thrift store meant wearing trash bags, but they actually seem pretty intent on showing people that second hand clothes can be stylish. But that's beyond the point.

Yosuke turns to look out to the playground. ]

You know...I'm kinda surprised you didn't pick up a daycare job here, too. You've always been good with kids.

[ Yu eyes the guitar with some small interest, but doesn't ask about it. He's curious, and on a better day he'd ask Yosuke to take it out and play something. But this is neither the time nor the place. Maybe... if they make it through this, somehow.

A quiet huff of a laugh is Yosuke's only reward for teasing in turn, and Yu shakes his head. ]

I just never expected a thrift store to be so trendy.

[ For a moment Yu watches Yosuke's expression, then follows the line of his gaze to the playground. The comment makes his expression shift, his smile picking up something almost sad. ]

You know, I'd like that. Maybe if being a bouncer doesn't work out, I'll see if I can find some places to apply to. When I first got here, Bear Claws wanted me pretty much full time on top of school. It took some negotiating to even accept a second job.

[ He pauses then, finding himself thinking of Nanako. Of the picture in his room that had contained a girl he'd forgotten, if only for a few days. His jaw tightens for just a moment before he schools himself into relaxing again.

God, does he want this. To just keep talking like this, discussing small things, unimportant things, their lives. It's nice to see Yosuke relaxed, too, after everything that happened. But he can't bring himself to maintain it. After a beat, quietly: ]

Yosuke... you aren't going to like what I have to tell you. Just know that ... you have every right to be angry with me, and I won't blame you for it.

[ His gaze is fixed on the ground, now. Everything about him is gingerly held and quiet. ]

[ He gives an audible huff at Yu's comment. ]

Yeah, neither did I.

[ Yosuke is still fairly certain the job was meant to be social commentary on his good luck (or lack thereof), but he's found that he enjoys it. The fact that Yu is a bouncer still amuses him, but he doesn't poke fun at it this time around. Not when the air around them doesn't feel much like the joking kind.

Yu affirms that. He falls quiet and then lays that...disclaimer.

Be angry with him...? That's not what he expected. His confusion is written on his face as Yosuke processes that for a moment, before pivoting on the bench and turning to face Yu better, pulling one leg up to curl on the seat of the bench.. ]

Yu...

[ He's frowning. Tempted to reach forward, his hand hovers in the air before it holds onto his own ankle. ]

Hey. We've been through a lot.

[ What is he going to say...? That he decided to...to leave? To leave the apartment? To go off on his own expedition into the forest beyond the city? Did he already try to do that? Or did he...you know, start...doing that again? ]

There's nothing you can't tell me. It's okay.

[ He says despite the way his stomach tightens. ]

Edited (wording??) 2016-07-28 03:52 (UTC)

[ Yu catches the motion of Yosuke's hand from his peripheral vision, and glances over just in time to see Yosuke drop his hand.

The look he gives his best friend is searching, thoughtful, and very carefully devoid of any particular strong feeling. ]

Partners... [ He murmurs. But thinking about that in this context - joined with this memory - makes his skin flash hot, and he looks away again, over the playground. His gut is twisting so hard it's starting to make him a little ill, and the worst part is that he can't tell if it's twisting with just the dread he feels, or something else.

There really isn't room to think about that kind of thing right now. ]

... when you saw my memory of being with Minato-san that day, and the things I thought about then... part of it was the time you and I spent here in Cerealia when you were here the first time. But there was something I didn't think about in that memory, and you deserve to know.

[ Yu pulls in a steadying breath and looks Yosuke in the eye. ]

Months ago, CERES put on an event at the Cerealia library. If you didn't go voluntarily, robots dragged you to it. During that event, if you read certain books at the library, your personality got ... overwritten.

[ His mouth tightens briefly over the memory. ]

No one was really themselves. I made the mistake of picking up and glancing through a romance novel. You read something that gave you amnesia. There was something else, too, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

[ Yosuke, back then ... had seemed strangely like he needed him. Wanted--

Stop.

Yu stares at Yosuke, not realizing now how tight his jaw has gone. ]

After I guided you back to the apartment, we-- [ come on, narukami, just say it ] --kissed. For a while. [ He shifts, the motion not quite a wince, but there's guilt in it. Finally he looks away again, bracing the heels of his palms on the edge of the bench and keeping his gaze low, on the ground. ]

... nothing else happened, and everyone regained their personalities a few days later. But like I said, I'll understand if you're angry with me.

[ He's got no idea. No idea where Yu is going to go. Instead he just sits and waits with surprising patience and silence that most people wouldn't associate with him, eyes searching Yu's face for any indication of what he's about to hear. He gets none, only a murmur.

Yeah, they're partners.

...Is...he questioning that...?

There's a feeling of dread quickly building in his gut, one that grows faster with each moment of quiet. When Yu finally speaks, it's both a relief and nerve-wracking, especially when he starts talking about that incident. The mention of Minato makes him go I knew it, only to be diverted off to an entirely different avenue. Or, perhaps, not different enough.

Ah, yes. Those memories. The ones that Yosuke has decidedly refused to mention and Yu has refused to follow up on. Those that kind of sit in the back of his mind, stored away until he knows what to do with them. Time isn't making it any easier despite what they say. The first time you were here. So much is about the first time he was in Cerealia, a time he can't remember, a time that's shaped so many of is interactions. It almost doesn't feel fair, but he's not the type of person to say that about actual problems of his. Those he carries quietly.

Yosuke swallows.

You deserve to know...

Shit. What did he do? It can't...

...not related to that...right? ]

[ All he can do is listen. Sometimes that's the hardest.

He goes through so many scenarios in his head that he's not actually prepared for the weirdness that Yu shares. It kills some of his fears about the situation, at least initially. CERES and a library? What sort of weird twisted punishment is that? Of course it could never be as simple as forcing people to study for exams or something. Of course people were made weird because of books. Of freakin' course.

It's when he says the dreaded words "romance novel" that Yosuke knows he's done for. His eyes widen even before Yu gets to the really incriminating parts. His back straightens, lips hanging dumbly open as he tries to fight where he knows--he knows--Yu is going with this.

He had amnesia...

...And Yu--

...He--

--They--

--they what?

We--kissed. ]

...

[ For a while.

What? ]

[ He doesn't break eye contact simply because he doesn't think to. It's not until Yu averts his gaze that Yosuke is able to blink. Yu keeps talking but those words keep repeating over and over in his head. We kissed. We kissed.

No. No, that's...that's not something he'd do. Just straight up kiss another guy! Amnesia or not. It's not about who he thinks he is, that's something that's in the core of his being, isn't it? Yu can be like that, that's fine, that's something Yosuke's accepted! He's happy for him! Whoever makes Yu happy! But it's not Yosuke!

...Right?

No, it doesn't matter. Not what he'd seen, not the things he thought he'd seen or felt or whatever that was--Yu wouldn't...that was before Cerealia. Things are different here, aren't they? Yu moved on and found someone who makes him happy or something like that or who he thinks could make him happy or what he just doesn't know it's-- ]

...Y--

[ Something tries to come out, but it's uncertain what exactly it is. The words die on his tongue.

It's a strange mixture of heat rising up the back of his neck and making the hairs cradling the base of his skull stand on end, along with the way that his chest suddenly feels tight and cold. It's not something either of them would just do, but Yu says they weren't themselves. Maybe so, but...

Brown eyes sit wide, his gaze boring into Yu's skull as if he can just open his head and sort out each and every one of his thoughts. But Yosuke's starting to wonder if maybe he's not ready for all of them just yet. ]

Y-You're being serious, aren't you...?

[ Of course he is. With the way that Yu's been acting about this, the disclaimer, the demeanor--he knows Yosuke's going to be angry.

That's what's happening, isn't it?

Yeah. ]

[ He is.

He can feel it slowly building. There's a fear that makes his heart race, a fear that reaches back to those untouched memories he now wants to push further and further away. He can accept that Yu is into guys. Is he ready to accept that at one point in the past Yu might have actually been a little into him?

Does that mean...he might have actually liked it? In the moment? Or looking back on it? This thing that he's known all this time since Yosuke came back, again, without memories.

Two times. Two bouts of amnesia.

What else has he done that no one's telling him about?

How many extra facets of his personality is he going to learn about in passing?

Wait, no--that means--not extra facets, that's not him--that was a book, right? The books, the books were real, right? Yu wouldn't lie about that. He wouldn't lie.

So why did he-- ]

...All this time...

[ His hand tightens its grip on his ankle, the other flexing his fingers back and forth erratically before forming a fist. His shoulders hunch forward slightly. ]

--after everything and the memories and you still didn't tell me!? Were you even planning on saying anything if I hadn't seen any of that??

[ Yu looks up again when Yosuke speaks, but he doesn't say a word. Just watches the process his friend goes through of moving from shock and horror straight into anger and outrage. Of course. Of course he'd feel this way. Yu had never tried to tell himself otherwise.

N-... No. Yeah. Me too.

Whatever that was -- whatever that had been between he and Yosuke before... it's gone. He made a choice that reflected that, and Yosuke now doesn't even remember. And he's fine with that. He has to be. The Yosuke with him now won't ever want something like that, and he's accepted that.

Hasn't he?

So the anger comes, and Yu at least brings himself to meet Yosuke's eyes again. He won't be a coward. Not about this. He's steady and calm now, even though the storm of Yosuke's hurt is breaking against him. He knew going in he'd have to accept these consequences. All that tinges his calm is a sense of resignation, and something pinching the corner of his eyes that says sad. ]

... yeah. You may not believe me, and I wouldn't blame you. I did think about it. [ He glances away briefly in thought, sighing out through his nose. ] I was the only one who knew. If I kept it to myself, I could spare you a lot of pain and worrying. But...

[ Yu sets his jaw. He doesn't deserve to claim this title right now, he thinks. ]

We're partners. I'm not going to keep secrets from you, especially not something like this. At the time... at the time, I didn't want to overwhelm you. [ It's not a great explanation and he knows it. ] That's why I told you I wanted to talk a week ago.

[ It's easy to be angry. Anger is a really simple motion, when it comes down to it. Yosuke has always been the more volatile of the pair, but Yu's anger is really the scarier force. That doesn't diminish the way Yosuke bristles, however. But for as upset as he's getting, it's wavering. It's...uneasy. It's confused.

So it's just easier to be angry. ]

You wouldn't make something like that up! [ He snaps, though whether he's trying to reassure Yu that he believes him or remind himself that Yu isn't a liar is hard to tell. But the fact that Yu had even been considering keeping this a secret. ] I can't--...

[ We're partners. Yu says.

We're supposed to be, is what he wants to say. ]

This isn't just a talk! This is--

[ Nope, he can't stay sitting.

Yosuke gets up, hitting his new old guitar and knocking it against the arm of the bench. He fumbles a little but it doesn't stop him. Stepping away from the bench, he paces. ]

--t-this is a huge deal! After everything I've learned recently... [ He shakes his head, hands running roughly through his hair. ] I'm not like that man. I'm not!

[ He's not. He's just not. ]

I don't--there's so much I don't know about this place and what I did in this place and I'm sick of finding it out way after the fact. This isn't just an "oh you forgot you really liked this sandwich shop", this is "oh, by the way, you made out with your best friend but you totally forgot about it". Friends don't just do that, man!

[ Friends don't. He turns around to face Yu, fidgety but on a roll. ]

This is about us! That's kind of important, don't you think!? You should've told me when I first arrived! All this time we've been--and you...and--I haven't even kissed anyone before and now apparently I have? What the hell! I'm sick of not knowing things! I'm sick of being one step behind everyone else in this place and living up to some person that maybe I can't actually be!

[ Throughout all of Yosuke's storming and raging, even when he gets up (and knocks over his guitar in so doing), Yu is quiet and calm, eyes still slightly hooded. It may seem like he's not even reacting at all, though Yosuke will know him well enough to see his tells, if he cares to look - the taut, straight line of his shoulders, the way he presses his thumb into the center of his other palm, the way his jaw shifts when he swallows. All small, subtle things, the only indicators of the pain and guilt he's forcing down, away from the surface.

I'm not like that man. I'm not! ]

I know, [ Yu says, so quietly you could barely hear him.

He's quiet for the rest of the rant, too, unmoving, his expression somber, but he meets his friend's gaze no matter what. He doesn't look away or flinch. He deserves this. Every bit of it. ]

I'm sorry, Yosuke. [ It's all he says in the end, measured. ] But if there's one thing you need to understand, it's that there's nothing you need to live up to. You're you already, and that's enough. I don't know why you came back without your memories of being here the first time, but I'm not going to leave you out of anything.

[ Taking a breath, he reiterates, firmly: ]

No more secrets. If there's anything at all you feel like you've been left out of, tell me. I won't hold back.

[ The idea makes him feel sick beyond belief, because he knows Yosuke will have picked up on his more guarded moments, but this is what's fair. This is what's right. ]

[ He doesn't care to look, at least at first. No, that's wrong--he always cares to look, but he's clouded by the sea of thoughts around him that it's not registering like it normally would. He still picks up on certain things out of habit and his ongoing desire to understand Yu--the line of is shoulders, the strain in his jaw. They're all indicators that he's hurting, that he's holding himself together. Yu doesn't show pain if he can help it, he puts himself back together with duct tape and safety pins if it will save face for someone else.

Yosuke, in this case.

Even when he doesn't try to, those little things start to douse the flames of his rage. He's upset and he feels lied to, yes...a lie by omission is still a lie. And something this game changing he trusted Yu would be more forward with from the start, especially after he'd apologized and accepted the fact that Yu is into guys.

He is okay with that. He is. He promises. He'll be supportive because his relationship with Yu is more important than that and because he knows that whoever you're attracted to doesn't change who you are as a person. Except, apparently, when it comes to Yosuke. When it comes to himself his opinions swing right back to where they started. He's not ready to deal with that hypocrisy just yet.

He stares Yu down, a little accusingly at first, but as the silence drags on between them, the sound of the playground beyond starts to fill it up. The creak of a swing, the bounce of a slide.

It's quiet. ]

...

[ Maybe this is touching issues that go beyond what he and Yu have or haven't done. He's been feeling...behind for a while. Never knowing when a face is someone he should recognize or not. People have been so accommodating but he can't help but wonder if they're not a little disappointed. He'll never really know what happened before, even if people tell him, because your own mind is a special place. What was he thinking? What was he feeling back then?

With Yu? ]

...I just--

[ When he speaks again, Yosuke finally looks away, dropping his hands to his sides. The edge of his voice has dulled considerably, despite the fact that his mind is still whirling with possibilities.

You're you already, and that's enough. ]

...I need to think for a while.

[ Attacking Yu...isn't what he wants to do. He doesn't deserve it. It's not what's right. ]

[ It's fascinating in a morbid way, and also a little horrifying, to watch the fire in Yosuke go out. Anger had been easier to deal with. Anger was deserved and expected. Yosuke shutting down slowly like all the hyper-hot steam powering his gears and wheels has cooled is somehow so much worse. It feels like failure.

Again, again, over and over again, he can't seem to stop failing the people he loves the most. No matter how much he cares or how hard he tries or how careful he is, failure after failure weighs down his shoulders and makes him wonder what it is he's trying to do.

Who he's kidding by trying to lead.

A leader wouldn't do this. A leader wouldn't've put Yosuke's light out. Not a real one.

Yu opens his mouth to speak when Yosuke looks away, but for a moment he can't think of anything further to say. It hurts to see Yosuke like this, defeated and confused and hurt. It hurts to have hurt him like this. It hurt when he hurt Rise, too.

But it's not their job to bear that burden. It's his. If he could take all their pain on his shoulders, he would. Always. Forever. And the very core of him feels scorched by the need to protect his friends, even from himself. Most especially from himself.

After a moment he masters his composure enough to finally say: ]

I thought you might. I'll stay out of the apartment if you want to head back.

[ There are too many thoughts in his head right now. Thoughts about what happened between them, about why some people recovered their memories and why he didn't. Thoughts about where this puts them in terms of their relationship, about lying even to protect someone--too many thoughts.

What...else has been Yu keeping from him?

When his friend speaks again, Yosuke looks as if he's been shaken out of a dream. He pauses, expression open, before his brows push together and he shakes his head twice. ]

...No. I...I'm gonna go for a walk. Besides, everyone needs you there.

[ It's not as self-deprecating as the implications may seem. Yu has been there longer and has stronger bonds with everyone in the apartment. It makes more sense that Yosuke would be the one to leave if space is needed.

He reaches for his guitar, thumb running over the fretboard. It's secondhand, clearly, a little worn but still decent. It needs new strings, missing the D and with a very worn down E. ]

Just... [ Yosuke exhales through his nose as he looks up at Yu. ] ...I can't help wondering what else you've been keeping to yourself.

[ For a moment Yu stares at him, his expression finally twisting a little, trying to think of a way to protest. To say: you deserve them more than I do. But the words lock up in his chest, blocked by a too-tight throat. He watches in silence as Yosuke reaches for his guitar.

Ah.

...I can't help wondering what else you've been keeping to yourself.

Immediately he goes stiff, his gaze flicking back up to Yosuke's face. After a beat of silence, he lets go of a breath he didn't know he was holding and says: ]

Yosuke.

[ There's something quietly imploring about his tone. As if he wishes he didn't have to do this. But he ducks his head a moment later, knowing this is what he invited. This is specifically what he asked for and opened himself up to. He can't back away from it now, no matter how much he wants to.

His failures. His burdens. No one else deserves this pain.

With his jaw working, Yu loosely folds his hands between his knees and lifts his chin just enough to be able to stare at Yosuke's guitar. Not quite at Yosuke himself. When he speaks, it's so quietly it's little better than a whisper. ]

I've watched five people die since I got here. Three of them died because of me.

[ This may or may not make complete sense. Yosuke will know that Yu watched Minato and Link die, out in the jungle; that's where he got his scar, after all. Two of those people are from his group in the prison; he watched Mars and Yuri drop dead to the floor.

It's the fifth one he's never spoken about. Never so much as passingly mentioned, even when discussing the Labyrinth.

His voice never wavers, and his hands are loose, but his shoulders are rigid with pain. ]

[ Yosuke waits, watching Yu expectantly. He does use the momentary pause to hoist the guitar up and over his shoulders, letting it rest against his back once again. Yu says his name and he has Yosuke's full attention. Though to be fair, he kind of always does. Yu's always had this way of drawing his gaze pretty much since the moment they met. That's how Yosuke knew they'd be friends. Or rather, he hoped they would be and was determined enough to make it a reality.

He's not sure what to expect because...there's so much he just doesn't know. And how does he know what he doesn't know? But Yu has secrets and whether or not he's doing it to protect everyone else or because he's just a private person, Yosuke can't tell, but-- ]

...

[ Wait. What? ]

...What?

[ His eyes widen.

Yes, he's seen some of them. He felt Merlin's death in a way he never wants to experience again. But... ]

...What happened?

[ Unthinkingly, Yu lifts one hand to press it to his left shoulder. Where Yosuke will remember his huge bite scar is. His fingers curl slightly before he realizes what he's doing and calmly forces his hand back into his lap.

This is the hardest story to tell. ]

You know about what happened in the jungle, [ he starts, somewhat hesitatingly. ] About Link and Minato-san. It was my poor planning that brought us all there. No one would have died if I hadn't been so careless.

[ Dipper wouldn't have reason to blame himself for two deaths if he'd just been smarter. ]

And you know about what happened to my group.

[ He doesn't say more than that. He doesn't feel there's a need. But he does pause, then, tensing all over. ]

... it happened while we were in the Labyrinth. The dark part of the city. We'd been there for days without food or water. Dipper went scouting by himself. I felt uneasy, so I went to join him, and ... there was a monster stalking him.

[ Yu heaves a sigh, eyes narrowing as he remembers. ] They're like... golems made of debris. They're almost impossible to fight. In trying to distract it, I got hit and badly hurt. Dipper...

[ no, don't slow down. just keep talking. Somewhat doggedly: ]

Jumped on its back and got it away from me. Then he got me on my feet and led me to the entrance of the building. It was collapsing, all of the buildings there were mostly ruined. He ... he shoved me out the door while the floor gave out beneath him and the monster.

[ Emotion enters his face now: his brow knits tightly with grief. ]

I ran back for him and he was hanging onto the edge, so I grabbed his hand, but... the monster...

[ Yu bows his head, pressing a hand to his face. His throat's gone tight, and for a long moment he doesn't trust himself to speak. When he does, he whispers, so his voice won't betray the tears he's barely holding off. ]

It caught him and dragged him down with it.

[ He swallows thickly. How does this memory still make him want to cry? Dipper's here. Dipper's back, even. He's alright, he's alive. But the pain of this is still so visceral he wants to throw up. ]

He sacrificed his life for mine.

[ There's a certain heavy finality to the way he says it. Like a damnation. This is his sin. Not being good enough to keep Dipper, one of his best friends, someone he thinks of as family, from dying to save him. ]

...

[ He does recognize the spot. The scar had been hard to miss when they'ed reconnected at the beach. He knows what memories must be flooding back, except this time Yosuke can't go on the journey with him. Maybe, in some degree, the whole sharing of memories had been beneficial. Not only had he gotten to see things that Yu saw, but he got to get into Yu's mind at the time as well. He's always trying to understand his partner just a little better.

So he watches. And listens. Yosuke is a good listener. Even without the aid of memories, he instinctively tries to put himself in another person's shoes, to see things from their perspective and how they might be affected. This is no different.

Of course Cerealia would have something awful like this. Monsters, more secret mazes meant to confuse and destroy. None of this is surprising.

Nor...really...is the fact that Yu immediately takes on the responsibility for the safety of everyone around him. And Dipper is just a kid.

The gravity of this--not just this death, but four others. Deaths that are, by no means, a result of only his decisions. A part of Yosuke may still be upset, but who could listen to this and yell at the guy? He can't.

It's amazing, really. Yu's a tall guy, not big, but broad shouldered and all lines, kind of idealistically built as far as the male physique goes. It'd be easy to be jealous of him, and Yosuke was initially, but right now he looks much smaller, crushed by the weight of guilt and grief.

That's no way for Yu to look.

So Yosuke steps forward despite the fact he'd just chewed Yu out for lying to him. He pauses, only to put a hand on Yu's shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. ]

...We'd all do the same for you, Yu. But that doesn't make it your fault. Don't... [ He exhales slowly through his nose, trying to find the words. Funny, he usually has too many of them. ] ...don't think he wasn't making the choices he thought was right. He's a smart kid from what I've seen. It doesn't make it any less horrible, but...you wouldn't want him thinking it was all his fault if your positions were reversed, would you?

[ More than anything, he'd never wanted to admit to this. Yosuke and Rise saw his scar, he had to talk about what happened in the jungle. That still gives him nightmares, visions of blood and crunching sounds ringing in his ears, Link's senseless death. Minato had made a choice, one that Yu had been forced to accept in the ensuing weeks and months after. One that he'd realized too late was badly impacting Minato, too. But at least - at least - Minato was another leader. Another wild card. And he'd said he'd do that for anyone in the expedition.

Dipper is, in a way, so much more personal. Maybe because he worked so much harder to keep it to himself afterwards, to never talk about it. Maybe because Dipper made the sacrifice for him and him alone. And maybe - probably mostly - because Dipper is so young, and Dipper doesn't fight, and Dipper is so incredibly brave, and Dipper is family.

Going through Dipper's death had felt a little like dying himself.

Yu is still trying to master his emotions when Yosuke reaches out to grip his shoulder. He whips his head up, staring at his friend with quiet shock. He opens his mouth to speak, to try to say anything, but all he ends up doing is pressing his lips together and swallowing. ]

I don't want--

[ His voice breaks, and Yu shuts his eyes. When he reopens them, he's calmer, steadier. Has his emotions locked up again. Mostly. ]

I don't want anyone else dying for me, Yosuke. Not again.

[ A beat. He wishes Yosuke wouldn't touch him. He doesn't deserve this. ]

I know Dipper made his choice, and I told him I accepted it. But he's not the leader. [ There's a heaviness to the way he says this, too. A tiredness. ] I am.

[ ..... very quietly: ] A better--

[ He cuts himself off abruptly, giving his head a small shake. ] Forget I said that. Yosuke ... it's fine. [ He huffs a sigh through his nose. ] You don't have to do this for me right now. I'm alright. I just wanted you to know the truth.

[ Yosuke's expression is the one to remain unmoving for once, through Yu's shock and then quiet stoicism as he tries to reign himself back in. So this is what Yu's been going through? This is what Yosuke can't remember? It's...worse than he thought, really. Because what's clear is that if Yu isn't telling him, Yu probably isn't telling anyone. He knows it's not easy, but that doesn't make it right. ]

...Yu. [ He exhales again. ] No offense, man, but it doesn't sound like you've really accepted it at all. I'm not trying to belittle his sacrifice or say it doesn't hurt when people are in danger, but...

[ Forget I said that. Yosuke ... it's fine.

Forget he said that?

Is he joking?

You don't have to do this for me right now.

To that, Yosuke almost scoffs at the very idea. He's still frustrated, he's not planning on going back to the apartment. He has plenty of his own thoughts to sort out, but Yu's wounds are the ones being exposed right now. Does he seriously think Yosuke can just go "oh okay" and walk away?

He shakes his head and steps forward. It's a little awkward, not at all like the comfort that Yu had provided him on the riverbank, but Yu needs to know that he doesn't have to feel this way. He's not alone. He's the only one blaming himself. So Yosuke's hand slides to Yu's back as he leans forward. He shifts, their knees bumping, standing and still trying to hug this guy. His friend. His best friend. A guy he's confused and angry at, but someone he cares about deeply. Very, very deeply. That matters above all else. ]

...You don't pick your moments, partner. They just kind of happen.

Don't--

[ It's little more than an alarmed gasp of sound, all he can get out as Yosuke is already leaning over to wrap arms around him. Of all the things he was expecting, of all the reactions, it wasn't this. It wasn't his best friend, who has every right to be furious at him right now, putting aside his own feelings to hug him.

Whether he's accepted it or not, whether he's actually fine or not, he doesn't deserve this. Yosuke's arms around his shoulders, their knees bumping together, it's weird and awkward and uncomfortable and Yu feels his breath snare in his throat, snagging on months of emotions he's kept entirely to himself.

If he were stronger he'd be steady right now. He'd nod against his friend, or pat his back, and say, that's enough. I'm really alright.

That's not what he does. Knowing his expression is twisted up with emotion he hasn't wanted to show anyone and vaguely grateful Yosuke can't see his face right now, Yu wraps his arms around Yosuke in return. He buries his face in his friend's shoulder and tries to breath and a shiver runs through him instead. He should be stronger. Stronger than this memory. Strong enough not to need this.

But he's not.

Instead he's clinging to his best friend whose life he just screwed up and trying not to break down over months of grief he's kept entirely to himself because he saw no other way. Weak. ]

I don't-- [ his voice is wavering too, and he hates it ] I'm not-- dammit...

[ He can feel Yu's resolve slowly crumble in the embrace. It isn't the first time, but that's okay. Yosuke is glad to be the one who is there for him--he wants to be that person, desperately, no matter the circumstances. It's hard not to forget how he'd all but fallen apart after Nanako's presumed death, and the feelings here ring true too.

And that's okay. It's okay.

Just like he'd said over text, no one expects Yu to be perfect. He's a friend. He's a leader. He's human. He's a lot of things, and alone isn't one of them. This goes beyond the awkwardness of a shared kiss (or series of), beyond sexuality and right to the core of what makes someone human. He feels, he hurts, he loves, and he loses. But they're not all his doing.

Yu needs this. He needs an outlet. Clearly keeping this all bottled up isn't doing him any favors. Yosuke sighs quietly, eyes staring out at the park beyond as Yu finally clings to him in return. It's okay if he breaks down, because he's not going to fall. Not this time. Yosuke's got him. It's okay. ]

...You're not a bad person. Or a bad leader, or a bad friend. [ He finally says after a moment of silence, one hand rubbing Yu's upper back. ] One of the things that makes you great is that you care so much about people that you take on their happiness and well-being as your responsibility. And that's pretty damn noble of you, it really is. But...that doesn't mean every bad thing that happens is your fault. It's okay to be sad when sad things happen...but you gotta stop owning all of them. Maybe enough people don't take responsibility for their actions, but that doesn't mean you have to pick up the slack.

[ His hand stills and his arms tighten momentarily. ]

Their deaths aren't because of you, man. They're because of this place. Everything we do here is a calculated risk, isn't it? Hell, just...existing at the wrong place and the wrong time. We're doing what we can with it. And people trust you. But trust and blame aren't the same thing. People aren't trusting you to miraculously make every right decision, people are trusting you to do the best that you can and that you'll trust them to do the same. It's just...it's not your fault, Yu.

[ He sighs. ]

People are gonna protect you like you wanna protect them. Because they care about you as much as you care about them. And in a place like this...isn't that a good thing?

Stop, [ he whispers, because he can't stand this much kindness.

How is Yosuke even real?

He keeps making mistakes, people keep dying and getting hurt, and constantly, always, the people closest to him have forgiven him. It makes him think, abruptly, of Kaz. Kaz, who never forgave. Kaz who broke into his room at 3 AM in a fit of furious distrust. Kaz who never let him forget who it was that was responsible for Minato dying out there in the jungle.

What is it? Would he feel better somehow if all his friends acted like Kaz did, and blamed him for his failures? He knows he wouldn't. He knows how much it would hurt. So why? Why is it so hard to accept Yosuke's kindness and forgiveness?

So much, in every way he can imagine, he doesn't feel like he's done anything to earn it. From anyone. Much less the boy holding him right now, soothing him and reminding him that every horrible thing that's happened isn't his fault. No matter how much it feels like it is, no matter how much he can see how, if he had just done this or that single thing differently, people might have lived.

But then, that isn't really a guarantee of anything, is it? He can't control everything. No matter how much he sometimes wishes he could.

You're not a bad person. Or a bad leader, or a bad friend.

Yu feels his chest hitch again when he tries to talk, so he stops trying and curls his hands too tightly into Yosuke's shirt. Another shiver goes through him, his shoulders jumping with his ragged breaths, but he isn't really crying. Just near to it. Just tired. ]

Yosuke.

[ This he whispers too, barely there, the sound pressed into his friend's shoulder. The pervasive feeling of failure still haunts him, but it's diminished now by Yosuke's words. They remind him... of how they'd managed to beat Izanami, in the end. All his friends, having faith in him, believing in him, reminding him that wasn't the end, and he could get up again... ]

I don't know if I deserve that trust, [ he murmurs, and with his voice above a whisper his words sound thick with tears. ] But I'll always do everything I can to keep earning it. Yosuke, I ... I'm sorry, I--

[ The apology babbles out of him and he pauses to swallow. ]

... thank you.

Edited 2016-07-29 08:54 (UTC)

[ Stop.

Yosuke does, tilting his head slightly so he can look down at the circle of silver hair pressed into his shoulder. It sounds more like a plea than an order, one that makes Yosuke's heart feel tight despite himself. Yu sounds like he's fighting against tears. Yosuke would be okay with tears, if that's what he needs. People dying is worth crying over, no one could blame him for that, but it's Yu who keeps himself from doing it.

When he starts to speak again, Yosuke shakes his head, moving one hand to the back of Yu's neck and giving the hairs at the base of his head a gentle scratch.

He doesn't need to thank Yosuke for being a friend, but he knows Yu wants to. ]

...Just...promise me one thing... [ He pauses. ] ...don't keep this all locked up. If we were hurting, you'd want us to talk to you, wouldn't you?

[ He exhales slowly. ]

Okay...partner?

[ Something about Yosuke's hand at the back of his head does him in; he loses all his words then. Maybe it's the gentleness and familiarity of the gesture. Maybe it's still just that Yosuke is willing to be this warm, this close, right on the heels of finding out that Yu has been holding back on him. Maybe it's some combination of both. Either way, Yu gives another powerful shudder that turns into his shoulders hitching a few times and doesn't try to speak. The circle of his arms tightens, and he keeps his face pressed into Yosuke's shoulder.

It's not like him to fall apart like this. But after all the death he's seen that he hasn't really let himself work through or even react to... maybe this was inevitable.

When he's stilled again, and his breathing evened out, Yu finally pulls away. Just enough to see Yosuke's face, anyway, his hands still resting on his friend's upper arms. His eyes are a little bloodshot, but he seems otherwise collected. ]

Of course I would, [ he murmurs, staring up into Yosuke's eyes as if he can somehow figure out everything that makes his best friend tick from looking alone. Then he sighs through his nose, dropping his chin for just a moment before glancing up again.

And this time he's smiling. Barely there, faint, but deeply felt. A gentle disbelief mixed with incredible gratitude lines his eyes and furrows his brow. ]

Yeah. You got it, partner.

[ He gives Yu the time he needs. His mind still feels like it's being pulled in multiple directions, but it can wait. This is something that goes beyond Yosuke and into the depths of how Yu has been holding himself together the entire time he's been there. He wonders, was he ever going to share this? With anyone? Or is it just because he feels that he owes Yosuke something that he was willing to admit to it now?

Well...maybe that's not important at this point. Not when he can feel Yu shudder and spare a few silent tears into his shoulder. When he pulls back, so does Yosuke, his brows a little furrowed, but a sincere look on his face. He's not as upbeat as he might try to be otherwise, but he cares. That much should be evident.

He returns the smile with a small one of his own, giving Yu a gentle squeeze. ]

I'm gonna hold you to that.

[ And he will.

With that, Yosuke pulls away completely, standing up straight and not realizing how the hunched position he'd taken had pulled at his back. He rolls his shoulders, looking out to the park. ]

...I can stay if you want.

[ To be honest, Yosuke still feels like he needs some space, but if Yu needs him...that can wait. ]

[ Of course not. Months of damage, months of pain, the worse it's gotten, the more he's withdrawn. Retreated into himself and hidden his pain. The constant demands on his ability to keep his calm, to keep up his strength and ability to lead even in the worst of situations, has left him raw in a way events back in Inaba never did. And the more broken down he got, the harder it was to maintain a facade of competence without completely burying any traces of pain.

He was never going to say a word.

Now that he's been forced to reveal his grief, he's left wondering at himself. Why had he been doing this to himself for so long? And also: what if he has to hide himself again, because Yosuke needs him? Part of him is horribly relieved, and part of him feels ashamed. Will Yosuke still rely on him now? Or will his best friend be more careful of him, knowing his emotions can be fragile? Was this a mistake? But he feels so much better.

All of this wars within him as Yosuke smiles and pulls away. Yu is left feeling slightly chilled even despite the perfect weather, and he braces the heels of his palms on the bench again.

For a moment, all Yu does is stare up at Yosuke even though he's looking out across the park. If Yosuke notices his staring in his peripheral vision, he'll find Yu's expression inscrutable even to his practiced eye.

He doesn't know what to do with the swell of fondness and guilt and many other tiny shades of emotion in his gut. So he ignores it.

Yu shakes his head and pushes to his feet, his hands idly straightening his clothes just for something to keep them occupied. ]

You've done more than enough. I'm fine. [ This time he sounds sincere. ] ... I know you need time.

[ All at once it slams into him how much he loves this person, with everything he is and ever will be. Platonic or romantic, it doesn't matter. He feels strongly like this about Rise, too. That he loves Yosuke is all that matters to him. Whatever this takes, whatever happens, all he really wants is to be this guy's partner.

He cants his head slightly, his expression clear. For whatever it's worth, he seems much steadier than he did even a few minutes ago. More grounded. ]

I'll see you soon, alright?

[ A break would be nice. Not a break from Yu or anything like that, but a break on his heart and head. He feels like ever since he's arrived every day is full of some new surprise that pulls his feelings into two different directions, tries his ability to empathize and be a friend. Of course, he refuses to give up because it's the least he can do. But sometimes it's too much.

When he settles his gaze back on Yu as he stands, though...he knows it's worth it. There's a definite shift in his stance, his shoulders a little lighter.

...Good. That's good.

He just wants Yu to be happy. Whatever that ends up meaning.

But Yu's right, he does need time. Time and space to sort his thoughts out, if that's at all possible. He nods, running his forefinger and thumb along the strap of his guitar. ]

Yeah. I'll see you later... [ He starts to turn, but pauses, watching Yu thoughtfully for a moment. Yosuke opens his mouth to speak but...decides against it. He exhales audibly through his nose and shakes his head, offering a small, crooked smile before making his way back out of the park.

Man...

What is he going to do? ]

[ We'll always be partners.

That's true, isn't it?

Yu hooks his thumbs in his pockets and simply lets Yosuke go. He doesn't speak or try to stop his friend even when Yosuke hesitates, though the look plucks at his heartstrings for reasons he can't explain to himself. He simply smiles back and watches as Yosuke walks away.

After a moment, he tilts his head back and sighs into the sky.

Daijobu. ]

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