estoria | ( OPEN ) i don't want a mental suplex, i want quality customer service

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( OPEN ) i don't want a mental suplex, i want quality customer service

Who: Elliot Nightray (

meriter) and you!
When: IC 11/25—11/27
Where: Residential District (primarily the CERES Gymnasium) + Shopping District (anywhere)
What: Elliot has a terminal allergy to common sense: a lesson in three (four) parts, comprised of psuedo-drowning, Machiavellian swindlers, and terrible book taste, respectively speaking.
Rating/Warning: None, probably.

1. INSERT SWIMMING PUN HERE (ceres gymnasium.)

[ In reconciliation of every self-deprecatory impulse in his body, Elliot actually shows up for lifeguard duty for the first time in two weeks.

He'd been staving off the financial necessity of having real credits on hand to buy very real things for a long while (like microwave dinners, for one thing, considering he'd survived thus far on a diet of refried peas and mashed potatoes with the consistency of clumping dirt). Monetary gain: the true motivator of any stalwart teenager in these trying, trying times. It wasn't as if he was going to turn to his brothers in some prostrated act of weakness. Just because he'd been hairsplitting nebulous concepts like coming to the gym during his technical shift and maybe staying the whole period instead of flat-out leaving whenever it suited him didn't mean he was a stranger to manual labor. Not at all.

So. It's just another routine day at the swimming pool, and by the third hour he's sweating bullets attempting to get a grip over his genteel, strait-laced Victorian morals. There are just so many exhibitionists about in the afternoons, all in varying levels of undress, and he's blistering red up to his ears keeping his gaze trained at all the patrons without turning away at the sight of scantily-clothed bodies. Literal lingerie, at that — it was nothing short of incredible that Vessalius hadn't succumbed to utter debauchery, exposed day in and day out to water-slick forms and all manner of loosened morals. He'd always been a weird kid, anyway.

But his tension reaches a culminating point hits when someone's apparently spritzing out at the deep end of pool, an arm stuck out and frantically waving him over. Reluctantly, Elliot strips off his jacket and cravat and strides over, peering down at the swimmer in question with scrunched eyebrows a stare tipped toward palpable disdain. ]

[ Too bad he doesn't have any sense of peripheral awareness to comprehend the rather peculiar grin he's shot with until the stranger's got their hand grappled around his, and then — ]

again

[ — he falls in. Panic briefly settling in his lungs, he spends a second or two in slantslide vertigo, water rushing around in some great, disorienting deluge before he kicks up, hard, breaks the surface with audible frustration. ]

I HATE THIS JOB!

2. CULTURE OF THE YOUNG AND VAIN (around, somewhere ...)

[ When his mood considerably sobers, he takes his paycheck for a supermarket splurge to refuel his stockpile of frozen dinners and comes away with several plastic bags full of cheap, cholesterol-inducing foods. Normally he'd head straight for his apartment, but Elliot decides to take the scenic route and ends up finding the kitschiest merchant stalls known to man. One minute he's minding his own business, and the next he's surrounding by a copious amount of creams and lotions purported to rejuvenate youth, like he'd just been plunked in the middle of a health ad and was ethically obligated to spout off some hypocritical drivel about the losers who'd buy into such scams. Seriously.

Well, beggars can't be choosers. Elliot wastes no time forcing his way to the front to blithely jab a finger at one of the offending vendors in question. ]

[ You know, because there's nothing wrong with waxing poetic on insurrection to the merchants. With this kind of bullheaded mentality, Elliot's lucky he isn't get his ass hauled away by security guards right this minute. ]

3. LMAO, SPOILERS (still around ...)

[ Wayward hellion of paltry exasperation that he is, Elliot Nightray can't get by without self-gratifying himself on one of the finer things in life. Namely, literature. So he makes a habit of scanning the shelves of the bookstore with a probing fixation at least once a week, turning up his nose at the YA section and heading for the classics to spend hours turning through the pages, scouring the contents for answers, or maybe just a quick read.

Only — today it's different, because he's currently engaged in some kind of weird, heated argument with the cashier. On closer inspection, it's composed mostly of angry, one-sided outbursts, like: ]

at all

[ Or: ]

Holy Knight

[ If nothing else, bystanders can at least pick up on the fact that there's a very frustrated fanboy hogging the front desk to blather on and on about the most emotionally bloated, self-indulgent novels to ever grace the Latowidge Academy library. ]

4. CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE (wildcard!)

~~i didn't put him in school~~

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[HAHA SERVES HIM RIGHT... Someone should give her an award for not smirking as the robots suddenly swarm the scene, but, honestly, that would have ruined her little theatrics. And she really wants to see how far she can take this. Is she petty? Yep. He should be thankful that she can't physically harm him, though. Other people who have annoyed her didn't get off that lucky.]

I'm lying? [Wide eyed and slightly pale-faced. She wouldn't have survived for so long in human society without being a good actress, and she shrinks back when he points and throws totally true accusations at her.] I was only trying to help the vendor he was harassing, when he... he... Ugh.

[SHUDDERS. She's literally the worst.]

What are you babbling on about? This is nothing.

[ Arbitrary hierarchy of needs and all. Books just happen to be more important than his compulsion to be polite to every sentient stranger spewing words at him (then again, if he's mentally referring to everyone else as background noise, it isn't exactly a good indicator for sanity, among other things). Insulting kdrama is right down his alleyway, so he shoots him a particularly disparaging stare, hands going untucked from his pockets. ]

My thoughts exactly. This won't take any longer, so why don't you merely wait in the meantime? It can't be any longer now, and then you'll have that package processed shortly afterwards.

[ Wow, he's getting pretty good at lying to his teeth (in his opinion, anyways). Look, Elliot just doesn't want to admit he's partially still in to watch other people lose their wits. He's had enough of being the only crazy one around here. ]

Spoken as if I wasn't doing that already. I don't shout as much as I make myself heard.

[ HE'S SO OBNOXIOUS ...

But even he realizes this a fairly tiring argument to keep up, so he recedes some, a good deal farther from the cashier, even if he's still positioned at the front of the line. ]

I won't be maintaining this for much longer, regardless, so you can rest at ease. ... I don't really understand you, though. Are you in line for something?

You don't exactly make it obvious.

[ INSULTED THOUGH?!?!?! he has eyes, he can see her just fine, and now that he's peering more closely, she isn't that special. ]

What kind of stunted logic is that?! You haven't given me any reasons! If you were a mermaid, you should be able to prove it here and now just fine.

[ If only ... ]

[ Okay, no, he didn't make it this far on a crappy track record to be completely upended by a girl spouting off the most inconceivable lies. Everyone's staring at him like he's the equivalent of dead roadkill, and when the robot security guards haul him on each arm, he's got a time-sensitive bid to cough up his most persuasive argument.

Inevitably, the means insults. Enjoy the sideshow of Elliot flailing around as he attempts to assume enough motor control in one arm to uselessly jab at her deceptively tearful form. ]

Check my hands for prints! You'll see I didn't touch her once. If anything, you should be taking her in for questioning. What a liar!

[ WHY AREN'T THEY LISTENING ... he can't bear the shame of one of his friends paying bail for inappropriately accosting a girl, it goes against moral he's built himself up to be. He might've accidentally murdered some people, but even supposedly feeling up a girl is way over the line.

He daggers his most haughty, self-entitled stare into the closest robot's featureless face, hoping to convince them in a wild bid of preconceived superiority. ]

She's not even that attractive!

Well, it is normal.

[ Never mind his proprietary relationship with shrieking his lungs out, he might've been insulted just now. Elliot squints at him, like maybe he could ferret out this guy's motives with enough hutzpah, but no, he's just falling back into cycles of vicious hypocrisy. Better hope Totsuka has sufficient peripheral awareness to dodge a thrown table, because it's probably going to happen at some point. ] I didn't mean anything by it. It's an assertion of my rights. No more, no less. Isn't that obvious?

[ Looks like he didn't dodge that bullet, since he's set Elliot on a one-way express trip to the realm of unrepentant fanboying. ]

Holy Knight, for your information. Don't be daft. It's not just any negligible book about knights, it's an entire series revolving around the trials of nobility and maintaing honor even in the most preposterous situations.

[ So, like, Elliot might be self-inserting himself as the character or something ... look, everyone has their dirty secrets, this is his ... ]

[ Wow, it's actually difficult to people who don't take his open bid for convoluted arguments over nothing. He's running out of actual reasons to not just walk off, which might actually be in Nice's favor. ]

What, you make exceptions for reasonable things? You know, that offer sounds completely —

[ And he builds up some failing momentum by actually smiling, which is an anomaly in and of itself because he never smiles. Admittedly, it holds stupidly on his face for a few protracted moments before he continues prattling on. ]

... stupid. You aren't even trying to understand my way of thinking. Why should I do anything for you?

[ Oh, well. A diversion's just as good as halting Elliot Nightray in his tracks, right? ]

[ Good thing Kaoru has enough social tact to pull punches where they count, or they might've gotten themselves entangled in an emotionally-draining argument about people stuck in dead-end jobs forcing themselves to capitulate to Elliot's all-encompassing assholery. He's a work in progress, to be sure.

They're some ways in their trip when he speaks again, brushing stray lint off his shoulder in lieu of staring at Kaoru directly, because it's just like a lady possessing higher sensibilities to worry about petty bills. ] I don't mind. It's nothing you should you bother yourself about, either.

... How has your sister been?

[ Apparently, no one gave him the memo since the last hack-and-slash clown incident. ]

[ These are questions Elliot Nightray asks himself on a regular basis.

Why can't Oz Vessalius be normal? Why did his brother sycophantically fall head over heels like some lovesick puppy to cater to a kid who still believes in human decency? People are terrible. He's a clear example.

But if it takes running over to prove a point, then Elliot will be more than happy to talk (yell) his head off proving the pipsqueak wrong. ]

You —

[ No elapsed wait time at all, even, just Elliot hoisting Oz out of the pool by his shirt collar with an ungodly fury. ]

WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, YOU'RE REALLY DUMB, AREN'T YOU? I WAS DOING THIS FOR YOUR BENEFIT, BUT IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL, THEN WE'LL JUST HAVE TO SEE, WON'T WE? GILBERT ISN'T HERE TO SAVE YOU THIS TIME. DON'T CRY IF YOU LOSE!

[ CHECK OUT HIS ASSERTION OF SUPERIORITY. HE ISN'T SCARED. HE'S PUMPED.

READY.

R-E-A-D-Y.

Perceptibly deflating, he shoves Oz back into the pool, already working on his vest as he retreats to the changing room in the wake of an aggregated fifty or so wholly bewildered stares. If nothing else, he sure knows how to make a grand exit. ]

I accept your challenge. Wait here. If we're going to do this, we'll need to make it as fair and unbiased as possible.

[Oh thank goodness. She sighs faintly then and at the question she blinks, as if remembering the fact that yes, yes she was. She glances back to the line and... her place is already filled. Ah.]

I was....

But it's negligible. It was far worse to simply stand there and watch you continue to strain your vocal cords.

[ It's almost as if Heung Soo's expression is getting a little bit more annoyed with each and every single word that escapes Elliot's mouth.. it's almost synchronized, this is nothing short of amazing.

Especially since he knows what the implication is here - this guy is telling him to wait for him to finish first.. yeah, screw that noise. If it's like that, he might as well have turned around right away and come back hours later and the end result would be the same. ]

How are you so sure it's not going to take much longer? [ Since his shouting match with the clerk didn't seem to be at a close before... ]

[He's going to be a dang work in progress for the rest of his life at this rate ELLIOT... PICK IT UP PUNK!!

But Kaoru will look back up at his dingus traveling partner when he decides to speak up again, mildly amused by his chivalrous bill-paying ways. A tab is an important thing to consider! No one wants to feel in debt even over something as simple as a coffee and biscuit, probably--

And then there's that question, and all thoughts of coffees and bills are neatly derailed. OH BOY... Elliot sure knows exactly what topics to hone in on to make a conversation unpalatable, doesn't he? It'd almost be an impressive skill if it weren't for the bitter taste left behind in Kaoru's mouth. Chizuru's friends have noticed, probably, but Kaoru hasn't told anyone. It's too unpleasant. It makes him too unpleasant. Walking on eggshells:]

—She isn't here anymore. [A careful balance of displeasure and mourning and upset to hide just how deep and dark the sentiments below the surface get.]

[Totsuka will get hit in the face with the thrown table and die... is that what you want, Elliot. At the very least, he seems to be interested in the beginning of Elliot's fanboy obsession with this series, someone tell him to run for the hills.]

Ehhh, that sounds cool! [The most Totsuka reads is manga, but trials of nobility?? knights?? maintaining honor??? that sounds sufficiently Western and foreign enough to be really intriguing?! And while his interest is genuine, he might also be hoping that this might result in less yelling for everyone.] Preposterous situation -- like during kidnappings or chasing after runaway animals?

[Oz just makes a little "oop!" sort of sound when Elliot RUDELY PULLS HIM OUT OF THE WATER BY THE COLLAR. Good thing he's used to being manhandled by tsuns. He can take it!! He can also take the sudden Elliot Levels of volume that are currently happening here, because loudness is another thing that Oz is vastly accustomed to. Between Elliot and Alice, he's probably going to go deaf at age 17...

And then he's suddenly back in the water again, and he resurfaces spluttering a little less this time than he had before. It was bound to happen eventually okay, Elliot couldn't just hold him up like that forever with his lil noodle arms. He wipes some water away from his face along with his soaked fringe, staring off after him along with probably everyone else in the pool.]

I'll wait right here, don't worry! [Because this is EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED.]

Change fast, okay?

[And then he'll just start wading his way over to the shallow end of the pool while everyone else reluctantly starts going back to their various swimming shenanigans (while probably keeping an eye on them honestly because who wouldn't gawk at these freaks).]

[He's not falling for that smile one bit, and he's still not bothered a whole lot. It's not like he has any personal stake in the conversation at all -- but he does like working people up sometimes over really stupid things.

Which. He's doing right now.]

Who said I'm not trying to understand your way of thinking? If I agreed with everything you said, I wouldn't be able to understand anything at all.

[Why is this such a thing, you guys]

If I have an opposition to your argument, I can see more of your side instead of just agreeing and letting it go at that. Like I said, it's not like I'm going to change your mind or anything at this point.

[Fancy way of saying he's being contrary for the sake of being contrary. AND HE's BORED so sue him.]

Do not have tail anymore, was taken from me! Do not be rude!

[WOW SO RUDE?? DEMANDING PROOF???] Wan proof? Find me place with lots o fish to talk to, or get back in the water. Will drown you, and show you!

[What a good meeting. Oona huffs and crosses her arms over her chest, aggravated] ...Like said, my tail was stolen. Do not have that proof. Thank you for reminding me.

[Boy, is she ever enjoying the sideshow. He really isn't helping his case. Like, not at all. Which is great, because it means he's helping her case, and that is totally cool with her. Watching him get hauled up by the robot security guards might very well be the most satisfying thing she's seen since she got dragged to this place. She's sure that when she gets to her apartment much later, she's going to be laughing about this for days.

As it is, though, she settles for gasping when he calls her a liar, and then covering her mouth with her hands when he says she's not even that attractive. Wow. WOW. She'll have him know she's pretty darn fine, thank you very much. That stupid comment itself should be enough reason for her to crush him, but, alas—she can't really do that here.]

You— [She looks away from him, still covering her mouth, and does her best to look horrified.] I, I can't look any longer. Please, just... Take him away.

[Do the robots even listen to this sort of thing from """victims"""? Maybe. Maybe not. She's doing an excellent job in sounding like the most pitiable teenage girl, at least.]

[ That open acquiescence garners some respect, if nothing else. He isn't in the habit of buying into such thinly-veiled altercations when he wasn't the main perpetrator, but ... well, no one ever called Elliot Nightray unbiased. ]

Do you want to go first, then?

[ If she shrugs off this blatant attempt at favoritism, just as well. He'll hog the cashier's desk for at least three more hours, at any rate. The crowd's noticeably more relaxed for his lack of screaming, although no less exasperated for Elliot's sheer ridiculousness. What a life. ]

[ Synchronized disagreements. Incredible. Elliot's beside himself shoving a hand down the teller's throat and ripping him a new one, or maybe just openly ignoring Heung Soo in lieu of his passive aggressive dispute with the poor cashier cowering in weird circuits back and forth from the storeroom to the front desk with footfalls in fractured syncopation. Conclusion: it's the same goddamn thing, just phrased differently.

So yeah, he has every intention of making the guy wait for a reason that doesn't even matter as much as the altercation anymore. Still, in a possibly fortunate bid of luck (or rather a jinx in Elliot's case), he moves to the side to allow free access to the spot everyone would probably shiv a man for at this point. ]

Why don't you give a go at asking the clerk for yourself? This obviously won't be resolved through my own effort in the matter.

[ TAKE THE CHANCE, HEUNG SOO. Or not, because Elliot's staring at him with renewed intensity for any telltale signs that he isn't actually working for his benefit because obviously the world revolves around Nightray's particular needs only. ]

[ Yes, that's exactly what he wants. More innocent blood on his hands. Seeing how Elliot's nothing less than the benefiting party in this interaction, he'll be more than happy to completely bypass remaining on glaring terms with the increasingly exasperated desk clerk to prattle off at Totsuka, like this is nothing new. If he plays his cards right, maybe he can even get this quasi-Victorian dummy to finally get out of the way of all the actual customers and do something productive for once. ]

Of course! In my humble opinion, it's one of the best series ever written! [ LISTEN ... he's been sheltered and suffers from at least three different types of mental repression, okay, this is like one of the only real joys in his life. ] In a sense.

The protagonist, Edwin, is nothing less than remarkable when handling the pratfalls that constantly plague him. He lives his life with genuine pride and no regrets. But why is it that all of the attention becomes focused on Edgar?! He's only his valet, but nothing in his life is remotely worth an ounce of admiration! Edgar actually ends up dying for his own self-satisfaction. Ridiculous! Can you believe that kind of hypocrisy?! What kind of dumbass would throw his life away with such ease like that?!

[ As it turns out, Elliot has zero qualms about spoiling Totsuka or ranting at him about a series he hasn't even read. ]

How the hell was I supposed to know?! I never would've guessed in the first place! Isn't there an aquarium around here or something?!

[ JOKING, JOKING, PLEASE DON'T THROTTLE HIM WHERE HE STANDS, OR PUSH HIM IN THE POOL TO DEAL THE FINAL BLOW ... he's a decent swimmer, but considering his current attire, it'd likely be an easy feat to asphyxiate him just by holding his head under the water long enough. Anyways, anger isn't his outright intention in this, although it sure comes off like it actually is. ] How could your tail get stolen, though? You have working legs.

[ Look, everyone and their mother knows Elliot needs to shut up before he shoots himself in the foot yet again, but there's no mental filter on this obstinate mouth, unfortunately. Somewhere deep, deep, deep down, he's empathizing. But every surface-level emotional basically translates to overly exasperated.

Sorry, Oona. You deserve better. ]

I don't understand.

Then why don't you ask straightforwardly about it? If you're that interested, then you wouldn't frame it like an insult.

[ Awful. Just terrible. That sounds exactly like something Elliot would do, and is currently doing, so in a sense this could be karmic retribution. All the split-second equivocation of arguments that will never go anywhere with none of the minute relief.

So yeah, maybe it would've been nice (in the generic, cardboard cutout, "we both realize this is bullshit but that's not even the point here" sense) if he had his Chain with him so he cut this guy's head off and merely deal with the repercussions for murder yet again. It couldn't be that horrible, all things considered. ]

You don't need to persuade me. You only need to be reasonable and maybe I'd actually respect you more?

[ Like he earnestly respects anyone ever nowadays, sure, what an innocuous white lie. It's not the worst he's ever told.

TL;DR: THEY'RE ALL BORED, OKAY. When he isn't shopping, he's getting chased by deranged clowns and all manner of faceless robots? A guy needs to vent somewhere. ]

Faker! What a phony! Can you believe this crap?!

[ Scratch being nearly murdered like fifty times since he's arrived in this ghastly place. This has got to be his worst experience in his entire life — he's barely kept the lid on his mortification intact, preoccupied as he is with thoughts of intimate homicide. It'd surely garner the disrespect of all of his relatives and friends, but they'd certainly understand he was only offing someone who was bound to get themselves killed eventually. It's reasonable, completely logical, even, to contemplate murdering someone who has it coming to them, anyways.

It might be an exercise in futility clawing at the robot guards as they hoist him clear off the ground, his legs kicking uselessly at anything that moves in an effort to snag his foot into something, anything but no, he's left only the inordinate joy of watching her fake-simper and cry as they depart in the other direction. ]

I know what you look like now! I'll remember this! Don't fool yourself into thinking you can run and hide, either! The first thing I'll do when I find you is wring your goddamn neck! You're dead! You hear me?! You're dead!

[ His comical screams can likely be heard for miles as he's forcibly dragged away, probably for a round of systematic indoctrination. How fun.

Well, Touka. Looks like you win this round. ]

[Nice just shrugs...he really has no comment to Elliot's first question because how does he even get to know people normally anyway. He doesn't. He doesn't have normal relationships.

Or conversations. Or anything.

He scratches at one of the bandages on his face, and he looks off to the side slightly.]

Respect's too conditional for me. If you don't act a certain way, people lose respect for you, so it's not really worth it is it?

[Being unreasonable is Nice's Thing, really.]

Don't tell me what to do, pipsqueak!

[ What a pal. Elliot would probably be dead in a ditch — or a digital classroom — by this point if Oz wasn't there to whip him into competitive shape. If he ends up deaf as a potential drawback, that isn't that terrible a price to pay for mediocre attitude lessons, right? Exactly. Glad they could see eye-to-eye for once.

And he's keeping a death hold on his weak-ass chill as he retreats to switch clothes with the cheap loaner's pair in the changing room because he literally didn't come prepared for this swimming match, what the hell. It's taking an exorbitant amount of pride to not go running when he decks himself in some baggy old gym shirt and ratty board pants with floppy sandals to match, but at least he's fastidious about carefully folding and packing away his preppy clothes prior to heading out into the open again.

His only stipulation is that he makes a key note not to stare at himself for too long, because, you know. Elliot's currently dying of embarrassment, arms wrapped tightly around himself, as he readily accosts the nerd swimming in the kiddie portion of the pool. ]

Listen up! What strokes are you best at? Are you more of a long-distance swimmer or are short lengths your forte? I want you to do your best, so you better not lie.

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( OPEN ) i don't want a mental suplex, i want quality customer service

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