[ it's always a hard thing to see, and something knots in Hijikata's stomach when he manages to locate visually the sound of two swords resonating off of one another only to find a rather... tragic ending to their confrontation.
and for a moment, Hijikata's face is absolutely mortified because no no no, there is so much that has happened here that shouldn't have, so many previous efforts laid to waste in ruin, so many promises broken.
(I'll take care of him, then.)
His own voice echoes in his mind, his vision seeing the situation before him but seeing more clearly what his memory holds: a dark room, lying down to stare up into the dark as he stayed with Kondou, trying to ease his guilt over Souji, his grief over Hijikata, and his hate of himself.
... And trying so hard to get Kondou to do what Souji could not after having the kid break down on him in despair over things with that most important person. But, Hijikata had been unsuccessful, relenting to allow them to take their own pace and vowing to take care of Souji in the meantime.
It's funny how vowing to do something you have always innately done and then agreed to not do and relinquish that to someone else not part of the three of them that suddenly the commitment extends beyond the time it was active and the feeling of failure rots your insides.
It's funny how this isn't even the Souji he had started slowly to make some way with, not even of the same initial circumstances that the one in Zelien had been and yet the feeling is no different.
...Or, perhaps not. Because Souji for all his shitheadness and difficulty and whatever else constituted their relationship, it's still Souji.
It's still his kid brother in every sense of the word except blood.
And that means it's still his hope for the hopeless, that someday they'll figure this all out and come to terms somewhere and sometime before home repeats and it's lost for good.
For now, though, he'll do the only thing he knows he can do in this situation—the thing he has to do because that's far enough and he can at least return the favor offered to him by the other in their role-reversed parts at that hotel.
(Saitou's a different thought for another time that he can't think on now because if he goes he might snap; all those images of their encounters, all those times. And while he feels that awful sickness remembering putting his own blade through Saitou's chest, it's more all the close calls where he had managed to get there before it ended like this.
Luck had to run out, eventually.)
His footsteps are loud to his own ears and weapon unsheathed as he moves from the darkest parts of the shadows to the lesser night illuminated by the sky. ]
Hijikata's voice is low, an eerie and heavy... something like acceptance already clear in his voice, despite his question. Kondou's blade remains in his hand, and his eyes never leave the two in front of him, stopping a bit away until he shifts his attention directly to Saitou's limp body and then completely to Souji himself. ]
What have you done?
[ ( that thing Hijikata calls acceptance, that he is too dense and failed too much on his side of the relationship to recognize, probably isn't so hard for Souji, even drugged.
And while it's only from Kondou that Souji fears it coming from, something about his reaction is awfully uncanny to the most important person they share between one another this time.
And maybe it's so like Kondou and nothing like Hijikata has ever acted towards Souji because never once has he truly felt this way before in regards to him.
It's not acceptance. It's disappointment in its deepest depths of despair. ) ]
no subject
and for a moment, Hijikata's face is absolutely mortified because no no no, there is so much that has happened here that shouldn't have, so many previous efforts laid to waste in ruin, so many promises broken.
(I'll take care of him, then.)
His own voice echoes in his mind, his vision seeing the situation before him but seeing more clearly what his memory holds: a dark room, lying down to stare up into the dark as he stayed with Kondou, trying to ease his guilt over Souji, his grief over Hijikata, and his hate of himself.
... And trying so hard to get Kondou to do what Souji could not after having the kid break down on him in despair over things with that most important person. But, Hijikata had been unsuccessful, relenting to allow them to take their own pace and vowing to take care of Souji in the meantime.
It's funny how vowing to do something you have always innately done and then agreed to not do and relinquish that to someone else not part of the three of them that suddenly the commitment extends beyond the time it was active and the feeling of failure rots your insides.
It's funny how this isn't even the Souji he had started slowly to make some way with, not even of the same initial circumstances that the one in Zelien had been and yet the feeling is no different.
...Or, perhaps not. Because Souji for all his shitheadness and difficulty and whatever else constituted their relationship, it's still Souji.
It's still his kid brother in every sense of the word except blood.
And that means it's still his hope for the hopeless, that someday they'll figure this all out and come to terms somewhere and sometime before home repeats and it's lost for good.
For now, though, he'll do the only thing he knows he can do in this situation—the thing he has to do because that's far enough and he can at least return the favor offered to him by the other in their role-reversed parts at that hotel.
(Saitou's a different thought for another time that he can't think on now because if he goes he might snap; all those images of their encounters, all those times. And while he feels that awful sickness remembering putting his own blade through Saitou's chest, it's more all the close calls where he had managed to get there before it ended like this.
Luck had to run out, eventually.)
His footsteps are loud to his own ears and weapon unsheathed as he moves from the darkest parts of the shadows to the lesser night illuminated by the sky. ]
...Souji.
[ ( don't think don't feel don't react just don't )
Hijikata's voice is low, an eerie and heavy... something like acceptance already clear in his voice, despite his question. Kondou's blade remains in his hand, and his eyes never leave the two in front of him, stopping a bit away until he shifts his attention directly to Saitou's limp body and then completely to Souji himself. ]
What have you done?
[ ( that thing Hijikata calls acceptance, that he is too dense and failed too much on his side of the relationship to recognize, probably isn't so hard for Souji, even drugged.
And while it's only from Kondou that Souji fears it coming from, something about his reaction is awfully uncanny to the most important person they share between one another this time.
And maybe it's so like Kondou and nothing like Hijikata has ever acted towards Souji because never once has he truly felt this way before in regards to him.
It's not acceptance. It's disappointment in its deepest depths of despair. ) ]