hijikata isn't sure which is the more dangerous weapon here, souji's words or his blade. ]
I know; I've found myself long under the assumption you haven't wanted anything to do with me in a long time, nevermind play.
[ he parries the thrust, although for now he just makes an attempt to defend, not quite ready to really turn this into an actual attack session. hijikata's been through this in these places before and he knows souji has, too, even if they haven't really conversed since either of their arrivals ( and there's been a lot of reasons for that, but suddenly hearing those virulent and toxic words makes hijikata wonder why he was doing it in the first place—because he didn't want to deal with going backwards in their relationship from what little progress he'd made with the other in Zelien?
It's funny, isn't it... it sounds really stupid and pathetic now in hindsight without any sense adhered to it at all.
He doesn't have anyone to blame for the relationship deterioration than himself. And at the beginning of this whole Cerealia thing, he thought he had been done with it—all of it, all of them because there was so much left undone that he'd failed to do for all of them and he was tired of rehashing the same things out over and over and never getting anywhere.
He was tired of the cyclical hatred from Souji and having the one time they actually made some sort of crack in the seemingly massive and infinite wall between them, be rendered pointless. Back then, he'd questioned if he'd made the wrong choice, in the end, by backing off and letting San'nan oversee Souji. True, Hijikata can see where his overprotective nature hindered things, where he couldn't really express care or concern and so he expressed it as feeling Souji to be immature and not capable of the responsibilities necessary to stay in Kyoto. When he arrived in Cerealia, he didn't want to question such things again. Testing 'what ifs' apparently led to nothing in the end and how things went, mistakes or not, were how they were made to go.
He finds himself frustrated, now, dissatisfied with his handling of Souji, as he always is. The truth is, he can't really 'respect' the other by letting him go when push comes to shove. And he's sorry, he really is, because he'd like nothing more than to be able to relay things differently, he's apparently incapable of communicating with one of the most important and vital parts to his family. It'd be nice not to be hated, to be able to come to pass, but there's a lot that needs to be covered before ever jumping that bridge and he's sure it'll never happen, if only because he lacks the ability to somehow just fucking communicate with the other.
(but, he promised.) ]
Pretty sure how you want to play with me isn't exactly how I'd like think you mean it, though... [ that's said mostly to himself, before he speaks up louder, tilting his blade slightly, hesitating still in actually going through on this. it's a hell of a lot easier to tell yourself you're going to do what you need to do than actually convince and force yourself to actually move and perform it.
this is such hell. ]
...But, tell me what the hell you think you're swinging that sword of yours right now for and I'll tell you why it won't.
no subject
hijikata isn't sure which is the more dangerous weapon here, souji's words or his blade. ]
I know; I've found myself long under the assumption you haven't wanted anything to do with me in a long time, nevermind play.
[ he parries the thrust, although for now he just makes an attempt to defend, not quite ready to really turn this into an actual attack session. hijikata's been through this in these places before and he knows souji has, too, even if they haven't really conversed since either of their arrivals ( and there's been a lot of reasons for that, but suddenly hearing those virulent and toxic words makes hijikata wonder why he was doing it in the first place—because he didn't want to deal with going backwards in their relationship from what little progress he'd made with the other in Zelien?
It's funny, isn't it... it sounds really stupid and pathetic now in hindsight without any sense adhered to it at all.
He doesn't have anyone to blame for the relationship deterioration than himself. And at the beginning of this whole Cerealia thing, he thought he had been done with it—all of it, all of them because there was so much left undone that he'd failed to do for all of them and he was tired of rehashing the same things out over and over and never getting anywhere.
He was tired of the cyclical hatred from Souji and having the one time they actually made some sort of crack in the seemingly massive and infinite wall between them, be rendered pointless. Back then, he'd questioned if he'd made the wrong choice, in the end, by backing off and letting San'nan oversee Souji. True, Hijikata can see where his overprotective nature hindered things, where he couldn't really express care or concern and so he expressed it as feeling Souji to be immature and not capable of the responsibilities necessary to stay in Kyoto. When he arrived in Cerealia, he didn't want to question such things again. Testing 'what ifs' apparently led to nothing in the end and how things went, mistakes or not, were how they were made to go.
He finds himself frustrated, now, dissatisfied with his handling of Souji, as he always is. The truth is, he can't really 'respect' the other by letting him go when push comes to shove. And he's sorry, he really is, because he'd like nothing more than to be able to relay things differently, he's apparently incapable of communicating with one of the most important and vital parts to his family. It'd be nice not to be hated, to be able to come to pass, but there's a lot that needs to be covered before ever jumping that bridge and he's sure it'll never happen, if only because he lacks the ability to somehow just fucking communicate with the other.
(but, he promised.) ]
Pretty sure how you want to play with me isn't exactly how I'd like think you mean it, though... [ that's said mostly to himself, before he speaks up louder, tilting his blade slightly, hesitating still in actually going through on this. it's a hell of a lot easier to tell yourself you're going to do what you need to do than actually convince and force yourself to actually move and perform it.
this is such hell. ]
...But, tell me what the hell you think you're swinging that sword of yours right now for and I'll tell you why it won't.