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the smartest log ever

Who: Leonardo (

cutsnoslack), Shinpachi (

nostatus), and Sano (

ohspearme)
When: right now
Where: Shinsengumi bachelor pad
What: Shinpachi is coming from a CRAU where he spent a lot of time punching hostile reptiles. Leonardo is here to deliver a pizza. There is no way this could possibly end badly.
Rating/Warning: PG-13? It shouldn't get worse than punching.

[The pizza delivery job might not have been one Leo would have thought to take on its own, but he's recognized from the start that it has its uses.

He's gotten to know his way around the city inside and out quickly enough, constantly being on the move. He's already getting a feel for the more dangerous places, the more useful places so far as information seeking goes, the places that will and won't be easily snuck into if he ever wants to find his way back there without an obvious cover story -

And hey, being able to grab a free pizza for dinner at the end of his shift is never a bad thing, either.

The address on his last delivery of the night doesn't ring any alarm bells in his head when he sets out. Residential, not too upscale. Not one he recognizes as a regular, so possibly worth remembering if anything seems suspicious about whoever lives there, but from the part of the district it's in, he's not really expecting anything horrible.

(If only he knew.)

So his hands are nowhere near his weapons when the door opens, because this isn't the kind of neighborhood where people assault the guy who just brought them dinner, and he goes right into business -]

Hi, here with your order for a "none pizza with left beef," that'll be eight fifty-s--

[THINK FAST, LEO.]

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[ This city sure has a lot of weird modern things he doesn't recognize. Zelien had already been bad enough in certain ways, but this is even further than that in the future, he can just tell.. and along with that there's a whole lot of new future things to explore.

Like the food options, for one. He figures the ones that the locals use have got to be safe enough, even if the idea of actually getting food this way rather than having to hunt it down himself or just find it in the kitchen of the dorms or whatever is a little odd.. but whatever, for the sake of food Shinpachi could adapt to practically everything. Even weird order systems where he as to fill shit in and his hands are way too big for any sort of device and he doesn't recognize the ingredients..

So it ended up becoming none pizza with left beef. Oh well. That doesn't sound too terrible, right. He can live with that result and just ask Heisuke to fill in stuff for him next time with his kiddy hands.

So he's actually pretty enthusiastic about this whole deal, getting to try the food of the future and all that, and it's even being brought to your door, how cool is that--

But then he opens the door. And before he even fully looks, he can already notice it just from the shape, from the texture on the skin of the thing in front of him.

God, does some shit just not change between Zelien and this place?! Annoying as hell animals still sneak up on you when you last expect it, but this isn't going to be like sudden crocodiles in the water or snakes dropping out of trees, okay!! This time he's going to get the first hit in!

So that's exactly what he does. Leonardo probably doesn't even have the time to dodge unless there's some quick thinking indeed going on there, since Shinpachi's fist is already swinging right at his jaw before the turtle can even finish that sentence. ]

[What the shell.

He doesn't quite dodge that hit, but Leo knows how to take one, at least, and he twists to the side instinctively, rather than standing firm and letting all of that momentum slam straight into him.

And then he jumps backwards, throwing that pizza forward to hit Shinpachi in the face while he puts some distance in between them and lands in a ready position - swords still left in their sheaths, because maybe this guy is just really confused about something. He can hope.]

[ If Shinpachi knew what regular pizzas are supposed to be like, this would be the moment he'd be incredibly glad for none pizza with left beef hitting him in the face rather than something that might actually stick.

Instead it's more just a temporary distraction, enough to give Leo time to jump backwards before Shinpachi's sight clears up again. Not that it makes his common sense clear up, since he's already moving towards the other again. He doesn't pull his swords either - yet, anyway - but his fist sure does look like it's about to make another swing at him. ]

Smarter than those other ones, aren't ya?!

[ Although it's already weird enough that this one is standing on its hind legs and everything, but.. whatever, if Zelien can have gigantic snakes, then this place can have gigantic turtles, same difference. ]

Those other what?

[Does this guy just make a habit of violently assaulting all of his pizza delivery guys?

At least Leo's fast, and he takes a step backwards - and then drops, leg moving out in a sweep to knock Shinpachi off his feet, hopefully.]

What's your problem?

You--!

[ Halfway through his answer is cut off by that leg - he's quick enough to at least try to dodge it, but it still manages to hit one of his ankles fairly hard, interrupting the answer with a groan. Not that he hasn't had worse (when your best friend is Sanosuke Harada and you like to just go at it every once in a while, you learn how to deal with it) but still..

It seems to be what really sets Shinpachi off though. The guy grits his teeth, jumping at Leo to practically land on top of him. If you're a true ~~man~~ ~~turtle~~ reptile, then you better wrestle his muscles head on, okay.

This is what happens when you leave Shinpachi without a babysitter.. ]

[He rolls straight back onto his shell and puts his hands and feet up, trying to meet that landing with enough pushback to throw Shinpachi right back over his head.]

Couldn't you just, I don't know, not tip or something like a normal person?!

[Sano leaves to go take a piss for five minutes, thus leaving Shinpachi unsupervised.

For five minutes.

Unsupervised.

Five minutes.

So as he's washing up and hears the sudden disturbance from the front of the apartment, he doesn't automatically think that Shinpachi's done something stupid (though there are some days when this happens, but he likes to give his friend the benefit of the doubt most of the time). That is, until he hears Shinpachi yelling and then all bets are off and Sano is running toward the door.

And dodging obstacles like furniture. Really, this western shit is kind of obnoxious and in the way.

But he arrives at the door just in time for Shinpachi to get shoved back off of Leo and Sano easily catches him, though he does have to take a few hurried steps back in order not to just fall right over. Shinpachi's heavy, okay, he doesn't want to get squished.]

What the hell is your problem?!

[It's not immediately clear whom he's addressing, but when he looks to the doorway to see a...giant turtle...he suddenly lets go of Shinpachi and points.]

...Drunk?

[Meaning are they drunk, not asking if Leo is a drunk, but this situation is ripe for misunderstandings.]

[ He's just about to have another go at the turtle, really - but then he notices something stopping him, two arms catching him mid-fall and holding him back. It's enough of a surprise to snap him out of his blind rage for a moment, and when he suddenly hears that voice over his shoulder it's very clear to him just who caught him.

Right, Sano, this is in front of their apartment so of course he'd be there too-- but then he realises Leo must still be there too and so his gaze quickly snaps back, as if he expects the creature to attack at any moment now.

Except nothing happens. And he blinks. Well, this sure is unsual reptile behaviour, and when Sano asks a question with that single word (he understands it immediately despite how easy it is to misinterpret it) he can't help but wonder the same thing, really.. giant reptiles he can believe, but when they talk?

He groans, as if he's coming to his senses and is trying to figure out this entire thing only now. ]

Oi, Sano.. I opened the door and this thing was suddenly there! [ As if.. Leo isn't even there.. sorry, you're a thing now, apparently. ] I couldn't let it attack me first, right?!

[Leo...is just going to get back to his feet and properly steady - a comfortable distance away, thank you - and give Shinpachi a Look.]

Look, that's just rude. Being mistaken for a frog gets old, but I'd still take that over thing.

[Where the hell is he even supposed to start with this? He should be the adult here and try to play mediator, but then Sano is usually biased toward Shinpachi and on his side most of the time anyway, so this is going to skew things, but.

No, seriously, where is he supposed to start?

Talking turtle, maybe. Talking turtle that is obviously intelligent and...seemingly non-hostile. At least right now. Well.

Just to make sure Shinpachi doesn't do anything stupid - he knows all about the impulsive nature of the other man, okay - he wraps his arm around his neck and holds him still before turning back toward Leo.]

...So, why are you here?

[There has to be a reason. Sure, the Shinsengumi has made enemies over the years, but Sano didn't think that included turtles. However smart some varieties may apparently be.]

[ Wow, why is he being treated like the bad guy here?! It's not like he just decked someone who wasn't doing anything wrong in the face or anything, okay... o.. h... wait..

Not that Shinpachi himself is arriving at this conclusion just yet, he's still too weirded out by the giant turtle - and then a moment later he's too busy being indignant at the fact that Sano's headlocking him here as if he's a five year old who needs supervision. Even if that's pretty accurate right now.

So he doesn't go to great efforts to escape the grip or anything (also since he doesn't feel like maybe accidentally snapping his own neck over this, thanks) but he's also totally going to ignore the other two's conversation for a moment to whine. And at least squirm a little against the hold. ]

Sano...! [ The name's drawn out a little in a whiny sort of way.. ] What do you think you're doing..?! I was just keeping everyone safe!

[ From the big talking turtle guy. Yeah. ]

I was just trying to deliver your pizza.

[He's not...super sure about this second guy either (did he call him drunk?), but at least he seems interested in clearing this mess up instead of...whatever Guy #1 was even hoping to accomplish.

Leo can work with that.]

[For fuck's sake, Shinpachi stop squirming!

Yeah, he sure is tightening his hold on you, bruh, sorry not sorry.]

Safe from a turtle man who delivers pizza! The levels to which you take your idiocy actually astound me.

[Except. Wait. Something the turtle man said doesn't make sense to his nineteenth century brain. So he looks back to him and - ]

Hold on, what's a, uh...a, uh...a pizza? Thing.

[ At least he squirms a little less at that tightening.. if not just for the fact that he can practically feel it turning into a stranglehold in their current positions when he starts moving too much. Not that he looks too happy about the situation even so, especially not when Sano calls it idiocy.. easy for the guy who didn't fight crocodiles and snakes to say that, geez. ]

It's food. [ Grumbled answer.. not like Shinpachi knows what pizza really is, but it sounded interesting enough to try and order.. ]

It's pretty awesome food, if you put the right stuff on it.

[Leo glances at that pizza box on the floor from when he threw it at Shinpachi. Sorry not really sorry.]

I don't know about the one you guys ordered, though...

[Okay, so, it's pretty obvious what's just happened here, all reptilian traits notwithstanding. Releasing Shinpachi from his stranglehold, Sano crosses his arms over his chest.]

The point is, this is just a big misunderstanding. A big, stupid misunderstanding.

[Here he glances back at Shinpachi, not-so-subtly expressing his opinion of the whole situation, then focuses on Leo again.]

I don't know what his problem is, but at the very least, he can give you an apology. I also understand if you don't think that's adequate for your trouble.

[ He may have been offended by Leo questioning his taste in food if Sano didn't speak up.. that's two things at once too many to get offended over, and despite being released (he has to rub his neck a little for a moment) his jaw is practically hanging on the floor at the word "apology". ]

I'm not gonna apologize..?! [ He sounds pretty incredulous at the very idea of it, let alone actually.. doing it.. ] I was just doing what I thought is right! In case all of this was about to end a lot worse!

[ There is it.. the stubborn part of Shinpachi that clings to his own ideals and way of thinking as either an adult or a child depending on the severity of the situation. ]

That guy's gotta understand that too, right?!

[ "That guy" being Leo.. because okay, fine, he'll acknowledge it's a.. turtle.. person.. talking turtle. Whatever. But without a name that's the best you're gonna get, bro. ]

I can understand reacting to the presence of a perceived threat before someone you care about walks into the line of fire.

[Gee, Shinpachi, maybe it's your lucky day, he's gonna -]

But.

[but]

I also manage not to jump every human I meet just because some of them threw me through a window once.

[He's not really pressing for anything beyond maybe the apology here, and not even that if this guy is really going to be a stick in the mud about it - but he also isn't really going to let this sit on the note of "yes of course that was perfectly justified and there was nothing wrong with it."

Especially not when it resulted in the death of a perfectly ~~good~~ mediocre pizza.]

[Now would be one of those excellent times for Shinpachi to shut the fuck up.

So naturally he does the opposite.

Listening to him "explain" his reasoning, Sano has to take a moment and close his eyes. And take a breath. And take another breath. And keep from punching Shinpachi right in the face. Another breath is probably wise, too.]

Shinpachi. That's all well and good, but as you can see, if you'd actually look past your own pride right now, the threat is not actually a threat. I can guarantee, if you were in his position and misunderstood, you'd be pissed off, too.

[Now he really can't hold it in much longer and Sano pops his knuckles.]

Now man up and apologize.

[ Wow, Leo, and here he thought you were about to help him out.. but then again, he could be saying worse stuff, so he can take this much. At the moment the bigger threat is Sano's knuckle-popping anyway since Shinpachi has seen it often enough to know what it means (Heisuke sailing across the room, often) but thankfully that also means it doesn't intimidate him a whole lot.

Even if he doesn't particularly feel like waking up with a headache tomorrow, but whatever. ]

He just said he understands! [ Yeah, even if that's.. not.. the whole story, but still.. ] We established he's not something dangerous now, so it's not like I'm gonna punch him again.

[ But he's still not going to apologize exactly, judging from the way he half-pouts, half-wrinkles his nose as he glances from Sano to Leo. ]

.. 'sides, the food's ruined anyway. [ Isn't that enough of a punishment for him.. :c ]

Uh, don't worry about it.

[Addressed to Sano, rather than to Shinpachi - because while Leo does appreciate the effort, he's been through enough brotherly squabbles to know quite well that -]

Forced apologies don't really mean much, anyway.

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