( OPEN )

[swordsitter]

Who: swordhaus + cr
When: throughout april
Where: the three apartments swordhaus uses..
What: april catch-all
Rating/Warning: probably nothing, but i'll edit as necessary.

---

[ sword mafia at home. ]

Comments

OPEN both pre and post the Soojpocalypse

[spes_phthisica]

i; before the latest arrivals

[You know that feeling when you're really ill and you go to the doctor and they prescribe you antibiotics and you take them and suddenly you just feel great. Like wow, compared to how you were feeling before, this is just so much better, and it's such a high to be able to do things other than slowly perish in your own sweat under a blanket.

That is more or less what Souji has been experiencing after having gone from almost dying of fever in the jungle to getting treated at the hospital. The contrast was so sharp, he felt practically healthy there for a while, and he'd been able to actually do things like help out at the dojo and even go to work a bit at the tea house. The freedom of it, after the misery of doing nothing back home, is quite hard to comprehend.

And of course, he doesn't want to lose these privileges now that he's gotten them. Which is why, when he does feel a coughing fit coming on, he presses a sofa cushion to his face in a desperate attempt to muffle it. It's not the most stellar plan, and it also leaves a pretty big blood stain on the cushion, which he gazes down at apprehensively once the spasming has stopped, thinking no one saw that and no one is there to witness his shame.]

Ah, I should... put this in the laundry, maybe. [Which is why he's talking to himself about his cover up plans.]

ii; after the latest arrivals

[The thing is, it's disconcerting.

As flippant as he tries to act about it, the existence of not one but two other versions of himself in Cerealia gets to him - just like the presence of the other Hijikata really gets to him, but he was trying not to let it show.

It's like getting teasing snatches of home but they're all subtly wrong, and they only serve even more to make him long for something... well, real. Or maybe not real, because those other iterations of the Shinsengumi are just as real, aren't they? They're just not real to him, not the way his comrades at home are.

The point is, it's confusing. And upsetting. And honestly, Souji just tries not to think about things like that most of the time, but he doesn't have the same things to focus on here that will keep his mind off it. It's kind of like a terrible feedback loop of not knowing what to do, and possibly that is why Souji gets the bright idea of trying to temporarily solve it with alcohol.

That's what plenty of other people do, right?

Except he only gets through about half a glass of strong liquor before he more or less gags on it and starts coughing, and has to set the rest down rather urgently.]

Gross. [He's honestly feeling so attacked right now, staring down at the other half of the glass - which he'll optimistically call half empty - and then at the bottle.] I'm not sure I know how to get drunk at all.

ii!!

[adornmental]

[It's not that Kashuu's been avoiding Souji lately - not really. He's just been very selective about the company he keeps, spending a little less time around the apartments and a little more time around the people who don't live here.

(So it's essentially avoiding, when it comes to people as clingy as both of them.)

But this is kind of hard to ignore, SO HE DOESN'T. He's on his way through the room, possibly on his way out again considering he's heading for his jacket, but he pauses to give Souji a mildly disconcerted (and possibly judgmental) look.]

If you don't like it, you should mix it with something else. [That's what people do, right??]

WHYYYY DOES MY HEAAAAART CRYYY.......

[spes_phthisica]

[It's not like Souji hasn't noticed. And he understands, he really does, and tries to give Kashuu the space he needs now that he must be feeling horribly, overwhelmingly crowded.

He probably doesn't need Souji's support of all things right now.

It's just that without quite knowing how, Kashuu has kind of become the majority of his own mental fail safe when he's feeling bad, and his absence really isn't helping. It's not Kashuu's fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just feels terrible.

Which is, of course, why he offers Kashuu one of those smiles that are as bright and brittle as glass now, trying to appear unconcerned and not at all like he's desperate for his attention.]

Ah, is that it? I suppose that makes sense. It's kind of like mixing medicine with other stuff to make it taste nicer, right?

PUTS 20 HANDS ON UR SHOULDERS and a painpong racket in ur hand

[adornmental]

[It would be impossible not to recognize that sort of smile by now, though the recognition doesn't show on his face. That's a discomfort - he's trying to wedge some distance back between himself and Souji, but it's a difficult thing to do when he's right there. Kashuu had been able to grab that distance back in his own world, but he had the aid of hundreds of years of separation there. It's easy to sever ties with a dead man (or so he tells himself, anyway.)

This is probably the point where he'd normally sit by Souji's side, clinging and fussing and telling him he shouldn't be drinking so much in the first place or asking why he's drinking at all. It's unusual for him, after all; Kashuu understands that. But he doesn't do any of those things, instead remaining where he stands and gesturing over his shoulder toward the kitchen.]

It's basically like that, yeah. I think we have some juices and stuff that would probably taste okay with alcohol... What kind d'you have, anyway?

ugh. UGH. killing me softly already how is this fair

[spes_phthisica]

[Souji really wishes he wasn't so terrible at hiding his feelings. That is, he can hide them perfectly well, in the same way that putting a huge elephant under a big sheet and writing "TOTALLY NOT AN ELEPHANT, GUYS" on it is technically hiding it as well. The more unaffected and lighthearted he tries to act, the more the emotional confusion he doesn't know how to deal with is painfully evident.

He wants to be back home so badly. Except back home isn't home at all, it's Osaka Castle, because Hijikata asked him to 'look after' Kondou while he's injured, which is a non-mission meaning he's a burden right now.

He misses Kondou, though. He misses Hijikata and Tetsu. He misses everyone. And he's been telling himself that he can deal with it with some help from the impromptu family he's made here, but now the other versions of him arriving have changed everything.]

Ah, I don't actually know... [He tries to concentrate on reading the label, and wishes that he could wish for Kashuu to just go away because it hurts that he's acting all weird, and that's selfish. But he can't wish for something he just doesn't want.] It says "gin" on the bottle.

right back at you demon???

[adornmental]

[The atmosphere is definitely heavy and unpleasant now despite the fact that they're both valiantly trying to maintain the exterior of normalcy. Things aren't normal, though - that's the thing. Changes have happened, largely unpleasant, and there's just no sweeping some of them under the rug no matter how frantically they're both trying. He's not very good at hiding his feelings either, so the more stilted and stifled things get, the more discomforted he outwardly seems. He clears his throat once, lips pressing briefly into a thin line.]

Uhh— well, I don't think I've ever had that before so I dunno what goes well with it. One of our next-door neighbors is a bar tender, though. He'd probably know what tastes best.

[The silence that follows is almost tangible, and yet, Kashuu still doesn't leave. This is the perfect moment to do just that - to excuse himself, grab his jacket and free both of them from this awkward situation - but he continues to stand there instead, like he's waiting for something. Not even he knows what that something is and he hates it, he hates this inherent weakness that he can't shake. He shifts his weight from foot to foot, glancing back toward the kitchen.]

—Want me to get you some different types to try out?

why do we do this to ourselves

[spes_phthisica]

[It's the perfect moment for Kashuu to leave, and as it drags out and nothing happens, Souji is almost afraid that the sword can hear the mantra of don't leave don't leave please don't leave me. It's a silly way to feel about someone just walking out of a room and leaving someone else to learn how to get drunk on their own, isn't it?

(It's not just about Kashuu leaving the room. He's honestly afraid now, terrified, that Kashuu is going to backpedal out of the whole relationship which obviously is painful and awkward for him right now. His help and support has meant so much to Souji, and somehow he never realized how much he'd started to need it. Please don't leave.)

He's acting silly. This is silly.

(He's just Kashuu's former master, right?)

...Did Kashuu just say something?]

I- ah... Yes. Please. That would be very kind of you. Thank you. [So stilted, so free of the usual gushing and compliments because he's not sure that Kashuu wants them right now. That they wouldn't just make it worse.]

...It's the kind of thing you probably need to learn how to do eventually, huh?

bc we're gluttons for punishment i guess...

[adornmental]

[He's just Kashuu's former master.

That's the crux of the problem here, really. Souji is the former master who gave him everything he had ever wanted in that first chance at life, and that makes its ending even more painful to look back on. He'd been able to reforge a bond with this Souji in spite of that, perhaps because he's spent so long learning how to avoid looking back on those painful things, but they're impossible to ignore now. He's reminded of the fact that he never wanted to reforge that bond, that it had somehow happened right under his nose in spite of that, and it's honestly frightening.

So instead of addressing the elephant (with a sheet over it) in the room, he just nods and turns toward the door.]

Eh— What, mixing drinks? [His head cants to the side a little, but since the kitchen isn't that far away, he'll set off while he waits for Souji to answer. When he returns, he'll have a bottle of orange juice in one hand, cranberry in the other, and a little grapefruit juice carton wedged into the crook of one arm.]

we just want to watch the world (and ourselves) burn

[spes_phthisica]

[For a moment Souji painfully clutches his hands in his lap, pushes them down so they won't visibly shake as he allows Kashuu to leave the room for a moment. He's such a child about this, honestly. He always has been, always will be. He remembers his own lack of understanding as Yamanami had run away, how he'd childishly thought that he could just get him to come back and somehow that would fix everything. It's not made better by the fact that he still doesn't quite understand why it didn't work, why it couldn't be put together like a broken toy - fixed as easily as he had been fixed, once upon a time.

He can't just put this back together again either, no matter how much he wants to, and even though he still doesn't quite understand why.

Suddenly, it's as if he's aware all at once of how much older Kashuu is, and how young and frail he is by comparison. He's twenty-four soon, and back home he's probably never going to get older. It makes him feel small and insignificant - just a wink of existence next to Kashuu's, next to Yamato's. Not much compared to other human beings either.]

Mm, no. More like... getting drunk, you know? At home they said it was part of growing up, but I guess I never really did. [And now he's telling the truth even though he really, really shouldn't. Not even a small part. It's hard to bite down on the words and smile at the same time.] I've always been kind of childish in some ways.

MOSTLY OURSELVES APPARENTLY

[adornmental]

[There's a period of silence then that stretches on long enough to be uncomfortable, most likely. Kashuu is taking those words into consideration and debating what to do next, because he's sometimes quite good at lying to himself, but never when it matters most. He knows that he wants to sit by Souji's side again here, even if remembering stings, even if he wants his distance back almost just as much.

It's because he's an impossibly weak existence that he does end up kneeling by Souji's side, though there's still an unusual gap between them. He doesn't even let his shoulder bump into Souji's, instead setting the bottles out on the table in a neat little line.]

That's fine, isn't it? There's nothing wrong with being a little childish. [Especially for humans, who are so young and die so soon.]

Buuut if you really wanna try, there are better ways to do it than just downing a whole glass of gross stuff in one go, too. Here- [He'll push the little carton of grapefruit juice over first.]

JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND WATCH ME BURN

[spes_phthisica]

[What he wants to do more than anything is lean in and drape all over Kashuu, cling to him, hold on physically because he doesn't know which words that will bridge the gap between them. The way he curls up instead only makes him look and feel even smaller where he sits, even more like the child crying in the forest because he's done something he cannot undo. Even more like the grown man feeling the same way every time life doesn't go the way he wants it to, and he doesn't know how to stop things going wrong.]

Most of the time there's nothing wrong with it. But sometimes it's less like you feel like you're playing, and more like feeling like a small kid who lost their parents at a festival.

[He pours the juice into the glass with the alcohol, and then - to shut himself up as much as anything - he downs it all in one go, despite what Kashuu just said.

It honestly almost comes up immediately again. Between the unfamiliar burn of the liquor and the sourness of the grapefruit juice, it's a miracle that he manages to hold it down, and only has to choke down another minor coughing fit.]

...I'm not sure how, but I think I'm acting even more like a kid now.

ii!!

[swordsitter]

[ haru's feelings about alcohol are complicated and largely negative. not that anyone would normally know-- he does, after all, have an oodachi that's regularly drunk, and many of his spirits like to partake. haru has learned to deal with jirou's drunkenness out of necessity, but he usually disappears when the alcohol is brought out back at the citadel.

he is, therefore, somewhat dismayed to see the bottle and glass on the island, with souji behind them, when he comes in that day. for a few moments, he's silent, but then he shifts to gently kick out his step, climbing up on it to get a glass down, pouring it full of water. he sets it down beside the glass of alcohol, then, folding his arms. ]

Drink a lot of water while you're doing this. Have you eaten anything? If you plan to get drunk and you're not used to it, you'll make yourself sick if you haven't.

[ uncomfortable he might be, but he understands. there's.. a lot going on right now, and the addition of two other versions of oneself would make anyone want to drink. ]

...sorry haru :c

[spes_phthisica]

[Souji has honestly never felt the urge to drink before. Not just because he finds alcohol revolting, but because somewhere inside him lurks the same fear he'd felt as a child, of being someone dangerous who hurts others without meaning to. He knows how he gets in battle, doesn't he? So what happens when he gets drunk, when he loses control? He doesn't know, and he doesn't want to know either.

Except right now, he just wants to not think for a while. And with his body in the shape it's in, he can't imagine that his tolerance will be very high at all, so hopefully he'll be completely harmless. His lips are already tingling from just half a glass.

Now he smiles in bleak gratitude at Haru, feeling that somehow it would be pointless to attempt to maintain more of a charade in front of the young saniwa.]

Thank you. I had dinner not too long ago, so I think I should be fine. [Not that he imagines making himself sick will make that much of a difference. He sighs, tilting the glass of liquor with his finger.] Though I don't know if I'll manage to choke this down. It's pretty awful, and I'm not sure if getting drunk is worth it. Maybe it won't make me much happier.

he'll live /fluffs sooj

[swordsitter]

It won't. [ still, haru opens up the fridge, pushing through the various bottles to find part of a bottle of a knock-off lemon-lime soda. he crosses to souji again, grabbing a spoon on his way and then pouring a little of the soda into the older man's glass. he mixes it with the spoon. ] I mean, you might be happy for a while, like Jirou-san, but in my experience, alcohol is used to cover up problems. It doesn't fix them. Sometimes, it makes them worse.

[ he taps the spoon off, setting it aside. ] Try that.

[ and because haru's a mom, he reaches up to test souji's forehead with the inside of his wrist, looking for fever. ] .. I'm cutting you off if you start looking worse. I don't know if you should really be drinking with your medicine, anyway.

[spes_phthisica]

It's like that with the ways people try to cover up bad things, huh? You always risk making it worse.

[And still, Haru mixes sweetness into the medicine for him, mixes kindness into the firm hand laying down rules around Souji. He sighs, his smile picking up a little bit, but he doesn't know if it's a good or bad thing.

He really, really misses home.]

Thank you. [He sips on the drink, and still grimaces faintly because well, he can still feel the bitterness of alcohol there. But it's not so bad like this.]

I don't think I'll be able to drink much anyway. I just... want to try. [Another little sip, and a brittle laugh at a joke that's not entirely funny.] Though if I start seeing double I really will have made things a bit worse, right? [There's plenty enough of him already, after all.]

[swordsitter]

[ his lips part, then shut. for a moment or two, haru looks visibly uncertain, the tiniest of discomforted frowns on his lips. but then he drags up a stool, climbing into it and folding his arms across the island. ]

Alcohol is terrible, and it can turn people into monsters. But.. I understand that sometimes people just want to forget things for a little while. Or.. something like that.

[ he's quiet for a moment, then two, watching souji quietly. at last, he picks up the spoon, nudging the glass with it, brows lifting slightly. ] .. Is that what brought this on? Or was it just the last straw?

[spes_phthisica]

[He curls up a bit where he sits, the slow sensation of guilt taking its first creeping, insect-like steps across his skin. The way Haru talks about it, it sounds like he's seen some monsters of that kind in his time. He still takes another sip of the drink, but instead of tasting terrible it honestly doesn't taste of anything at all right now.]

I've always said that I'm already a monster. But that sounds like I'm trying to make an excuse for drinking right now, doesn't it? Making excuses can't be good.

[He looks down, looks away, drawing the kanji for 'oni' in a drop of alcohol on the counter top and then wiping it away with a frown.

What brought this on? It's forcing out "Hijikata-san" at a face he doesn't know. It's having to smile at two other strangers and tell them they're the same person. It's Mutsu saying You don't know in that agonized tone of voice, and knowing it's true. It's tuberculosis. It's Kashuu avoiding him now. It's how allowing himself to be happy here feels like a betrayal. It's how he's terrified of the way Yamato looks at him, because he's only a sick and pathetic man who still wants to be a warrior, and he can never keep any promises or live up to any ideals. It's those who are dead back home, and even more those who are still alive.]

It's... a lot. I usually try not to think about it all, but right now... it's like trying to empty a bucket underwater, you know?

[swordsitter]

[ haru huffs, reaching up to push souji's hair back from his face, tucking it behind an ear. ] You're not a monster, and you never have been. You just don't have a lot of control when you fight-- that doesn't make you bad. You can't help it. And anyone who's ever told you otherwise needs to be kicked off a mountain.

[ he hesitates, glancing at the alcohol, then to his stove, then back to souji again. ]

This is just making you more miserable. I know it's not really the season for it anymore, but how about I make you a hot chocolate with a lot of marshmallows? [ in his experience, chocolate is kind of comforting all on its own. and souji looks like he could use all the comfort haru can give him. --he gets it.. in a way. haru's missing over half his swords and all four of his siblings. he can't help but think he's a bad person sometimes for occasionally enjoying himself here, away from the war and the organization's responsibilities. but.. he has to keep telling himself that there's nothing he can do about it right now, and there's no reason to just go around unhappy all the time.

though he's really, really glad that there are no other harus around. ]

[spes_phthisica]

[He can't help but laugh softly in response to such chiding, and he feels childishly pleased at such casual and familial affection, leaning unthinkingly into the light touch of Haru's hand. Even if he's not the same Okita Souji that wielded the two swords Haru owns, in moments like this it seems painfully obvious where both of them got their terrible thirst for love and acceptance, each in their own way.]

It's more like... when I was little I thought being a monster was bad. Then I was told it could be a good thing too. At least, that's what I always thought was meant.

[Hijikata will still talk about it in those terms, after all. To join the Shinsengumi, you have to become an oni. There's no judgement there - or if there is, it's certainly not directed at Souji. He sighs a bit tiredly, but the small smile still on his lips seems both more weary and more genuine.]

I can see your clever plan, you know. Haru-kun's special hot chocolate is something I could never ruin with alcohol, right? So that way, I won't drink. [Not that this really feels like much of a loss. He's managed to empty the glass, but filling up another seems like a struggle now.]

[swordsitter]

[ haru slides back off his stool, moving to get out the items he'll need to make hot chocolate--real chocolate, for one thing--and pulling his hair back to keep it out of his face as he works. for a moment more he's silent, thinking of the character souji had written in the condensation. ] There's a difference between a monster and an oni to me. [ he starts breaking up the chocolate as he talks, glancing briefly back at souji. ] An oni can't help what it is. It was born that way, and it'll always be an oni, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's how the world works. But a monster chooses to be a monster. A monster makes itself into one, whether gradually or all at once. So if you're one of the two, you're the oni, Souji-san. You can be scary, but it's not necessarily a bad sort of scary.

[ he falls silent again, keeping his hands busy, but when souji speaks up again, he glances back at him, eyes narrowing briefly. ] --Drink your water. [ he turns back to the stove, then, beginning to stir his small pot. ] And it's not that, not exactly. I mean, if you really wanted to drink, I'd put something in the hot chocolate for you. But I think.. it's less that you want to get drunk and more that you have a lot on your shoulders and you need a little comfort and company right now. And when you can't do anything about either of those things, being drunk seems like a good alternative, probably.

i!

[horsepoop]

[Namazuo may not be buddy-buddy with the gumi swords, nor does he know Souji all that well (despite his constant presence in swordhaus). But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about them. Quite the contrary--what he does know makes him worry even more about those three, even if he usually keeps it to himself. Mostly, he tries to leave them in the care of each other and Haru, and up until now, that seems to have worked out just fine.

Until now.

Namazuo is no stranger to hiding things. So even though his first instinct is to run off and get help, he doesn't do that. He stays right where he is, frozen to the spot, torn between empathy and concern and What would Yamato-kun do?

But Souji's words make the decision for him. He steps forward, and though he doesn't bother to hide the concern on his face, he doesn't reach out to teach Souji or the pillow.]

Okita-san?

[He tries to take care of his comrades, and their loved ones. But that doesn't always mean he knows the best way to do it.]

Can I get you some tea?

[spes_phthisica]

[B U S T E D.

Souji jumps where he sits, a sudden look of comically childish guilt on his face as he tries to sort of... shuffle the cushion behind him again. Ahem. Nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Nope.

Except Namazuo's question is making him suspect that the jig might be well and truly up, and he rubs the back of his neck, looking just a little bit awkward. Maybe he was acting kind of ridiculous just now?]

Ah... yes, some tea would be nice. [A beat, then:] I'm really feeling a lot better still, you know? It's just that... [He's still sick. That's what it is.]

[horsepoop]

It's alright.

[Namazuo smiles, gently, but it doesn't penetrate the serious look in his eyes. And yet--]

You don't have to explain to me.

[He gets it. It's terrible and definitely not something he should be enabling, but... he gets it. His own problems are emotional in nature, but he knows what it's like to hide something serious, to keep your loved ones from worrying. He shouldn't let this go, but he understands too well.

A part of him knows what denial is like, too. To so desperately crave normalcy, to hate your reactions--whatever they may be--so much, you don't even want to face them yourself. He gets that too.

Stepping forward, he holds out his hands.]

Would you like me to take care of that?

[spes_phthisica]

[For a moment the tension in his shoulders remains, and then it slowly seeps away, and Souji lets out a gently scraping little sigh, slumping backwards in the sofa. He had been expecting well-meaning concern and being tattled on for his own good, but while he can tell that the former is there, the subsequent reaction is unexpectedly absent.

It's... a huge relief, really.

He offers a smile that is bleak, but a lot more genuine than the chipper face of a man trying to hold everything together.]

Would you? I'd really appreciate it if you did.

[He bites his lower lip, then adds:]

It's not that I don't understand that people worry, but... if possible, I want to spare them for a little while, see?

[That's only a half truth. There are more twisted, complicated reasons for wanting to cover this up, one of them being that he likes the worry and care just a little too much, and another being that he's still terrified that one day it will somehow run out. It's one big mess of guilt and affection - not to mention the ever-present fear of being selfish, and the less attention he has to draw to it, the better.]

So... thank you. It means a lot - but maybe you already know that.

[horsepoop]

[Namazuo doesn't nod, or laugh, or do anything that might lighten the mood. He takes the pillow quietly, and though his expression is serious and sad, there's no judgement.

It's not his place to intefere. Souji isn't his master. Kashuu and Yamato are his comrades, part of his new family, but... he understands Souji's feelings better than either of them would probably prefer. Okita's swords both know the truth, of course. But what would be the point of reminding them?

Namazuo wants them to be happy. And if quietly pretending things aren't so bad will spare them a little longer, that's what he'll do.

Still, he's old. He isn't naive enough to think that this is a good thing. So after a moment, he shakes his head.]

Don't thank me, Okita-san. Please.

[But if there's anything he's good at, it's lifting the mood. So he takes a deep breath, tucking the pillow under his arm.]

I'll take care of this and bring you some tea, so please rest until I come back, okay? [Now he smiles, though it's tentative, like he isn't sure he should be doing it.] I saw a movie on the television that you might like, if you want to watch it until I come back.