[Of course he knows that Stahn reached out his hand to him. How could he ever forget? How could he forget when this was the gesture that was the first to truly get him to hesitate? He'd been doubting all along, all throughout that nightmarish time, but he never once hesitated or stopped. But Stahn... Stahn and his hand, he'd gotten him to stop, and he'd almost gotten him to take that hand.
It makes Leon almost a little bitter. Why couldn't he have taken that hand sooner?
But it wasn't meant to be. In the end Leon hadn't been able to do so. He'd made his decisions, and even now, he has to stand by them. He knows now that he was wrong, wrong in just about....every single decision that he made during that time. But even so, he made them, and he has to stand by the consequences of them. There's no going back.
He hurt Stahn and the others with his choices. He hurt Marian too, even as he was trying to save her. He hurt Chal by forcing him to fight against his comrades, and not listening to him. He hurt everyone that mattered to him, and that's...his burden to bear. That's what he's guilty of.
And even now, Stahn still wants to call him his friend. And not just his friend, but his best friend, and Leon doesn't even know how he'd begin to handle that. What is a best friend? How does Stahn think so highly of him? He knows he doesn't deserve it, but selfishly...he's glad for it too.
Because he doesn't want Stahn to give up on him. He wants Stahn to believe in him. And even though he's going to go back to being dead in time, he still wants Stahn to think of him, and in more than just those last moments of swords clashing and Leon's inability to take his hand. So... maybe he needs to give up on pushing Stahn away. He's not going to let him, and it's just hurting him further. Stahn might end up hurting further, when everything comes to its conclusion and Leon returns to his watery grave, but... it's Stahn's choice, and Leon can't make it for him.
Slowly, he breathes out a shuddering breath, and slowly he lifts his head to properly meet Stahn's eyes finally. They're both tired now, and both of them have said so much that they've been pushing aside for too long. And he can't say much, not really. He can't say much in response to "best friend", and "I wanted to help you however I could", because it's too late. He can't be helped now. But..
Even if he doesn't know how to deal with it, he can at least try.]
I don't remember agreeing to be your friend.
[But there's so little bite to it. It's... Leon being Leon, really, but almost softly.]
I... have decided on what I want to do while I am here. [While he's breathing. While he's alive.] We are going to work to find a way to return you to our world, so that you can properly save it.
[So that Stahn can fix the mistakes Leon made. So that Stahn can continue to live, because that's what Leon wanted all along.
But at least now, it's "we".]
That...is the decision I've made.
[But... But Stahn's right about one thing, and if there's one thing that has really been beaten into his thick skull now, it's:]
What you decide to do from here is...not up to me.
[Because just like Stahn has said so many times... it's not Leon's right to make Stahn's choices for him, as much as he might think they're harebrained or just going to bring him pain (or are just so hard to understand). Leon can't choose for him, but... he'd prefer to work together on this, after everything.]
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It makes Leon almost a little bitter. Why couldn't he have taken that hand sooner?
But it wasn't meant to be. In the end Leon hadn't been able to do so. He'd made his decisions, and even now, he has to stand by them. He knows now that he was wrong, wrong in just about....every single decision that he made during that time. But even so, he made them, and he has to stand by the consequences of them. There's no going back.
He hurt Stahn and the others with his choices. He hurt Marian too, even as he was trying to save her. He hurt Chal by forcing him to fight against his comrades, and not listening to him. He hurt everyone that mattered to him, and that's...his burden to bear. That's what he's guilty of.
And even now, Stahn still wants to call him his friend. And not just his friend, but his best friend, and Leon doesn't even know how he'd begin to handle that. What is a best friend? How does Stahn think so highly of him? He knows he doesn't deserve it, but selfishly...he's glad for it too.
Because he doesn't want Stahn to give up on him. He wants Stahn to believe in him. And even though he's going to go back to being dead in time, he still wants Stahn to think of him, and in more than just those last moments of swords clashing and Leon's inability to take his hand. So... maybe he needs to give up on pushing Stahn away. He's not going to let him, and it's just hurting him further. Stahn might end up hurting further, when everything comes to its conclusion and Leon returns to his watery grave, but... it's Stahn's choice, and Leon can't make it for him.
Slowly, he breathes out a shuddering breath, and slowly he lifts his head to properly meet Stahn's eyes finally. They're both tired now, and both of them have said so much that they've been pushing aside for too long. And he can't say much, not really. He can't say much in response to "best friend", and "I wanted to help you however I could", because it's too late. He can't be helped now. But..
Even if he doesn't know how to deal with it, he can at least try.]
I don't remember agreeing to be your friend.
[But there's so little bite to it. It's... Leon being Leon, really, but almost softly.]
I... have decided on what I want to do while I am here. [While he's breathing. While he's alive.] We are going to work to find a way to return you to our world, so that you can properly save it.
[So that Stahn can fix the mistakes Leon made. So that Stahn can continue to live, because that's what Leon wanted all along.
But at least now, it's "we".]
That...is the decision I've made.
[But... But Stahn's right about one thing, and if there's one thing that has really been beaten into his thick skull now, it's:]
What you decide to do from here is...not up to me.
[Because just like Stahn has said so many times... it's not Leon's right to make Stahn's choices for him, as much as he might think they're harebrained or just going to bring him pain (or are just so hard to understand). Leon can't choose for him, but... he'd prefer to work together on this, after everything.]