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Entry tags:
[closed]
Who: Leon and Stahn, the failure duo, plus Otome the Intervention
When: IC: 4/30ish ; OOC: 1/1
Where: Walking home, residential district
What: Stahn and Leon are stupid and incapable of discussing canon Issues. Otome's here to help.
Rating/Warning: Dumb tales losers
[Things have been tense from the moment they arrived.
No matter what the topic, and no matter what the situation, it always seemed to end in them butting heads. And nothing like how it used to be. They have always argued. It's just how they are. But this sort of...cold, fierce arguing, as though there is no common ground to be found--it's strange for them.
Leon doesn't like it, truly, but he doesn't know how to fix it, either. There's too much to even begin approaching it, and so instead more and more gets shoved under the rug as they try to cope with things that they never should have had to.
He's never been good at this. And while he knows that he's just hurting Stahn further, he can't seem to stop.
And that's why they're standing in the middle of the sidewalk, arguing again. And it's yet another stupid argument, but really it's just the superficial revealing just how frustrated they really are.]
There is no reason for it, Stahn! [Ah yes, there's Leon, being pissy as ever, much like the fussy angry black cat he is.] I don't require your constant presence, regardless of what you might think!
[Ah yes...here they are, arguing over...eating dinner together. That's normal.]
When: IC: 4/30ish ; OOC: 1/1
Where: Walking home, residential district
What: Stahn and Leon are stupid and incapable of discussing canon Issues. Otome's here to help.
Rating/Warning: Dumb tales losers
[Things have been tense from the moment they arrived.
No matter what the topic, and no matter what the situation, it always seemed to end in them butting heads. And nothing like how it used to be. They have always argued. It's just how they are. But this sort of...cold, fierce arguing, as though there is no common ground to be found--it's strange for them.
Leon doesn't like it, truly, but he doesn't know how to fix it, either. There's too much to even begin approaching it, and so instead more and more gets shoved under the rug as they try to cope with things that they never should have had to.
He's never been good at this. And while he knows that he's just hurting Stahn further, he can't seem to stop.
And that's why they're standing in the middle of the sidewalk, arguing again. And it's yet another stupid argument, but really it's just the superficial revealing just how frustrated they really are.]
There is no reason for it, Stahn! [Ah yes, there's Leon, being pissy as ever, much like the fussy angry black cat he is.] I don't require your constant presence, regardless of what you might think!
[Ah yes...here they are, arguing over...eating dinner together. That's normal.]
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even though they've always been prone to bickering, they'd always bounced back easily. but now, there's just an endless weight in the air. stahn knows that so much of it stems from the fact that he holds back a lot himself—that he has since the very moment they exited that lift without leon in tow. it only got worse after the events at helraios, and then worse again when he tried to apologize after the library incident. told time and time again to suck it up because he has a job to do when he's hurting isn't easy. stahn never hurt this way before, and nobody letting him try to figure it out just makes things worse.
so when leon gets fussy, pushes him away, and constantly insists and argues against doing simple things they'd always done together when they traveled together, it leaves him at a total loss. he fights back, because he's trying to get through to leon... but he still holds back, because that's what's expected of him.
pissy as ever is an understatement, because leon is snapping at him over something that is petty even for him. and it's clear, even as he argues, that he's just upset. stahn doesn't want to argue with leon. leon is the last person on this earth—on any earth—that he wants to argue with. he wants to make the most of the opportunity to see his best friend again. but that's hard when everything is fight.]
I... didn't say you required it, did I? [even though he says the words sternly, with knit brows... there's an obvious vulnerability to it. he hates this. he hates this, and the more they fight, the less energy he has to fight. how leon could live his whole life arguing this fiercely.... well, that may be part of what's admirable about him, but for stahn, it's just draining him.] But we live in the same place... doesn't it just make sense to eat dinner together?
[dymlos is doing a poor job of taking stahn's side and insisting that they don't argue over petty things when there are bigger problems at hand. apparently, even swordians get tired of butting in to pointless arguments.]
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Stahn's guess is right, of course; he's always known Leon well, perhaps the best out of everyone aside from Chal and Marian. Leon's just frustrated and upset, and being in Cerealia hasn't fixed anything. It's been sickening, really, trying to come to terms with what happened, and the fact that nonetheless, he's still alive. The words Hiro said have been circling in his head no matter what he does--the "are you sure this is easier? After all, you're here now" and it's true, dammit, his escape was his death and now he's alive again and there's nothing he can do about it.
He can only deal with the consequences--but he was truly never ready for that.
So much like a cornered animal, he keeps biting back, even knowing that it's someone like Stahn who just keeps extending an olive branch to him. He just wants Leon to be happy--Leon knows that. But...right now, it really doesn't help anyway.]
You have been unnecessarily attached to me from the moment we arrived, aside from-- [...aside from the library, but he bites that thought off before it escapes him and steamrolls onwards, because he doesn't want to think about it anyway.] Don't think that I haven't noticed! I don't want you around!
[An exaggeration, obviously, because Leon does want Stahn around, but... but it's complicated, and it's hard on both of them to be together, and even Leon can see that much. Chal makes a protesting noise, but that's all, and it's a little weary; apparently, he's just as tired of these constant arguments as Dymlos.]
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Or maybe it has been wrong for awhile. She's starting to wonder. But the important thing right now is to settle this before people start staring at the pair of them.
And so when Leon whips those words out, there's a soft clearing of the throat from behind them, and there's Otome standing there. Her usual sunny smile is nowhere to be found, and her voice might be as soft as ever, but there's something like steady disapproval resting right beneath it. ]
I don't believe this is the place to be doing this.
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stahn has called him a friend from the very beginning; leon has always tried to refute it in words, but never in actions. but somehow, when he says those words over something so minor, it makes his chest tighter... why does it hurt so much? why is leon so insistent on shouldering the burden of what happened, and trying so hard to brand himself as the bad guy? stahn knows none of that is true, despite what other people may believe. but the words to say that much get caught in his throat, somewhere around he time his expression falls enough to show some of the hurt he feels from those words.
and before he can give himself a chance to find his voice again, they're being interrupted by otome. stahn whips his head around to look, eyes widening a bit at the sight.]
Otome... [he kind of feels like he's just been scolded from that one sentence alone, but he really has no other reaction but to stand there like a wounded deer in the headlights.]
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Leon really wasn't expecting Otome to show up of all people; it's a little difficult for him to do anything but fall silent, mouth snapping shut. There's something about her that is...well, it's difficult to ignore, and...she's right, too.
They shouldn't be arguing in the middle of the street like this.
He crosses his arms (equally feeling like he's just been scolded), looking away sharply from both of them.]
Hmph... [Is he petulant? He sure is petulant.] ...If there are issues with it, people can come say them to my face.
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[ There you go, Leon, she's saying this rather promptly and steadily. But otherwise... there's no real fury or disgust or irritation on her face. Slight disappointment, perhaps, with the way her eyebrows draw together, and there's some concern-- but of course there's concern. She happens to be very fond of both of them, and to find them engaged in a heated argument in the middle of the street isn't something she'd ever wanted to see. ]
But this actually works out well, since I'd been meaning to speak with the both of you. Would you mind lending me some of your time?
[ It's a question, but they are not actually allowed to say no. ]
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[stahn's... not really acknowledging leon's petulant behavior. he's not surprised by it, and he's honestly still a little too blown away by everything else to even be able to say anything. he feels a bit sheepish hearing otome say she has an issue with it.
(of course, stahn has an issue with it; he hates fighting with leon, and it's just worse when it's out in the open like this.)
stahn's gaze averts, head dropping just a bit as he ruffles his already-disheveled hair.]
You wanted to talk to us? [?]
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(And...he is also a little sheepish that she seems so disappointed in them, honestly. Not like he cares, but...! ...But he doesn't want Otome to be disappointed in him. In them. He doesn't like the feeling in his chest that it brings.)
So he's a little too off-balance to really protest.]
...Ugh. Just get it over with quickly.
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[ Because this may or may not involve more yelling, and she'd rather save a talk of this nature for behind closed doors. So is she starting to walk towards her apartment? Yes she is. Come along, boys, step lively now.
No, this was not how she planned to spend the rest of her day, but Otome is very skilled at adjusting. ]
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Ye-yeah... [he hums a small acknowledgement. it definitely feels like they're being scolded; he hasn't dealt with something like this since he and lilith were really little. and gramps seemed... a lot less intimidating that otome does right now to him, somehow.
so he'll just fall quiet and follow her lead.]
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But now he's trapped....... so he just follows at the very back sullenly, looking away from both Otome and Stahn carefully.
He's along under duress, okay.]
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Now.
[ She points to the living room, where there's a comfy-looking couch and an armchair. ]
Sit wherever you'd like. Chaltier... [ She glances at Leon's sword, then at Stahn's. ] ... Dymlos, I believe your name was? I'd like to ask the both of you to let them speak without interfering.
And as for the two of you-- [ A frown's directed first to Stahn, then over to Leon. ] You're both old enough to know better, aren't you? I'm not going to ask what's been going on that's made you both upset, but whatever it is, the first step is to talk it out properly. I'll go pour some tea.
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(clearly, as evidenced by how he's scoffing about it.)
not that it matters, stahn doesn't really have anything to say. this is kind of a shitty rotten cherry on top of a bad day; being scolded by otome feels awful, and he already hasn't been in a good state to begin with. he draws in a quiet breath; how is he supposed to deal with this, anyway? it's not as if stahn is about to break down crying from otome yelling at him, but... well, he feels emotionally worn and exhausted, he's upset about leon and so many other things and now otome is treating them both like little kids.
it's weird and uncomfortable; stahn's not used to being mommed like this. he doesn't have a mom, and gramps did approach things in a mom-like manner. she's not wrong that they should know better, but he's never been the one to instigate this behavior anyway. the last thing he wants to do is fight out on the streets with leon, of all people.]
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Nope, Leon's here to be the Problem Child he always was.
Otome steps into the kitchen before Leon can throw the fit he's ready to throw, and so instead he looks to Stahn as if to take it out on him and--
...And he looks awful, doesn't he? Now that he's forced to actually take a big long look at Stahn, he looks totally miserable. And admittedly Leon's not all too happy either, but he's more than aware that he's hugely at fault here, and while it makes his stomach sink to think that Otome is disappointed in him, he's at least got the kneejerk reaction to react in anger. It means that he's not miserable like Stahn--not yet.
But seeing how sad Stahn is just makes him uncomfortable, and after a long moment, he doesn't take it out on Stahn, looking away instead. After a long moment of silence, he finally clears his throat, but...it's not like Leon's good at this sort of thing.
He has no idea where he'd even begin.
On principle, he doesn't want to do it because Otome told them to, and Leon hates being told what to do. But on the other hand...Stahn looking like this? Maybe this really has gone on too long.]
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he tries to offer solutions, to try and find hope, to try and be a positive beacon like he always has. he tries to do even the small things, like bring lunch so they can eat together and find little things to agree on like they once did. but almost all of his attempts are met with such brutal hostility that he doesn't know what to do. he knows leon cares.
he also knows that leon is pushing him away.
stahn doesn't want to accept that though. why would he? why would he want a situation where he has a chance to be with his best friend for any length of time and not grab hold of it? that's not stahn, and that's never been stahn. but leon is trying his hardest to force that on him. and stahn... is beaten down by it, honestly. nobody let him grieve his losses, leon wouldn't even let him apologize for anything he ever did to cause pain... he's just bearing it all. he's bearing the weight of their entire world, a promise he made to leon, his vengeance, and his sorrows all on his shoulders. he doesn't want to fight like this anymore. he can't fight like this anymore. but what can he say?
he's almost afraid to even open his mouth, because it'll probably just end in leon snapping at him.
they're both like ticking time bombs right now, and he has no idea how to handle it when he can't even handle himself. this has gone on too long but how do they fix it? he wants to.. but... how? all he can do is try to say what he wanted to say before otome interrupted. only instead of combative, it's tired and broken down; all the grief he's been bearing on his own is clearly present right now.]
You don't have to keep trying to push me away, Leon... I can handle things. I'm not that weak. [he knows already. he knows there's no changing the past, and he knows what it means for the future. but he'd rather bear that than not have leon around at all while the chance is present. he's stronger than he was before everything went to shit...
even if he is on the verge of a meltdown.]
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It would probably hurt less, in time.
Because Leon is more than starkly aware of the fact that, despite the fact that he's breathing now, and he can feel his heart beating, he's going to go back to being dead in time. There is nothing here for him to live for. And... in truth, he really hasn't moved past his death at all.
He's stuck on it, and it's making things harder on both of them, but how is he supposed to move past it when he was so suddenly shoved into a situation like this? How is he supposed to cope? How is he supposed to deal with the fact that Stahn's been wearing down, bit by bit, and all he can do is watch it happen and know that it's his fault?]
You...are.
[Ultimately, that's what he says, after a rather lengthy pause. He never looks up to meet Stahn's eyes, though.]
Right now, you are that weak.
[It's said only dully, because...it's not necessarily a bad thing. Leon's not going to ask Stahn to be strong right now, because Stahn... he's on the edge, isn't he? And there's nothing Leon can do about that, and he doesn't know how to fix it, but what he does know is that right now, Stahn is weak.
And it's his attachment to Leon that has made him so.
But Leon's just too tired and too mixed up to even say if that's a bad thing or a good thing. It just... is. Just like Leon is worn down too, and while he had his minor breakdown after he thought Marian was dead, he's never fully recovered from it--he hasn't had the chance.
They're both emotionally battered and drained, and so is it really any surprise that they're where they are now?]
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that was definitely the wrong thing to say.
whether or not there's meant to be some sort of distinction there, hearing leon actually call him weak feels like more of a betrayal than his actual betrayal was. stahn, who has been doing nothing but sweeping his own pain under the rug without complaint so that literally everyone else could depend on him to lead the charge and save the whole world from what hugo was doing... he was the weak one here? he's never complained because he doesn't want to complain, because he knows that people are counting on him, and because he wants to be the person they're all counting on him to be.
he's capable of putting his pain aside to focus on the things that need to be done. maybe showing up here has thrown a wrench in that. maybe the antics brought about by cerealia's nature have only exacerbated the problem. but stahn has done nothing but try to remain strong, try to smile, try to do the right thing in order for them to be able to get through this situation.
stahn knows leon is dead. stahn knows that leon has nothing to go back to but the title of being a traitor to his country and the world even if they could reverse that. but it still doesn't mean he's given up. it doesn't mean he doesn't want to find a place where leon can keep living and breathing just like he is now.
so even though he feels like he's going to break down, and even though he feels the sting of tears behind his eyes, he pushes them back, clenching his jaw.]
I'm not giving up, Leon. It's weaker to run away than to face it head-on. Just like everything else... you left me a job to do, and I'm going to do that. [this much, he says with some conviction. despite his pain and his losses, he'll never give up on saving his home.]
But... we're here now, right? Both of us. Nothing is going to change that so... [stop pushing him away. stop acting like it's so wrong to want to see his friend, like it's so wrong to want to spend time around the one person who understands the way he is and what burdens he's carrying.
but he can't say that. he just swallows hard instead. wondering... is it really that weak?
how is it fair that leon can put the weight of the world on stahn's shoulders, die, and then call him weak for it? how is that fair? he doesn't understand. make him understand, if that's even possible, leon.]
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It really does hurt to hear Stahn say that, even though he knows he's right. It's weaker to run away. It's weaker to run away than to face things head-on. Leon knows.
He knows that so well.
And it'd been exactly what he'd done.
That's probably not what Stahn meant, of course. But even so, it really does feel like a blow towards that, and Leon's jaw clenches even as he stares at the floor, swallowing tightly. Leon ran away. Leon ran away from everything, because Leon, too, is weak. Mikleo had said without hesitation that he wouldn't sacrifice other people to protect his important people--as easy as that. But maybe it is as easy as that. Maybe Leon's just weak.
Stahn is being weak right now, but Leon knows that this entire time, he's been weaker, and it hurts to think of it, and it hurts to acknowledge it, but he can't run away from it any longer. He was too weak to save Marian. Too weak to fight Hugo. Too weak to not betray Stahn and the others. Too weak to help them save the world.
Why is Stahn even still trying?
He has to swallow again before he can manage words, and when he does, they're snapped out tightly, because if his tone was anything else, it'd probably just be painfully sad.]
Stop... clinging onto me. [Just stop. Just stop. Stop everything. Stop trying to do things for him. Because he doesn't deserve it. He's a traitor, and he doesn't deserve anything from Stahn at this point. He's going to keep living and breathing while he's here--but only to see Stahn back to their world safely.
That's the least he can do.]
Just let go. I-- ["don't deserve it"] --don't want this. I-- ["am tired of hurting you"] --hate people like you.
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there are those words leon has said so many times before. "i hate people like you," "happy-go-lucky idiots like you are the worst," those are the words he says, but they're never the truth. they've never been the truth, and stahn knows it. he knows that leon has a hard time with people. he knows that leon is difficult to get along with.
but if there's one other thing stahn knows, it's the fact that leon is a good person with a lot of love in his heart. he's lonely, and he's sad, and he has a hard time trusting people. but he's a good person. and he knows already that they're best friends. nothing can change that.
so despite all the times that he's taken those words in stride, all the times stahn has brushed them off and laughed and legitimately not felt hurt by them... he can't stand to hear it this time. he's sick of it. how many times can he say the same thing? he hates it, stop clinging, let go, go away..
enough already.]
Stop lying, Leon! [it's like hearing those words for the umpteenth time this month alone is enough for the dam to break, and stahn finally snaps back with the fiery intensity that makes him worthy of his mantle as the swordian master of fire.]
I can't... I don't believe that! [he yells, though he realizes he should dial it back a bit. which he somehow manages, but he's still fairly loud. stahn is angry, he's hurt, he's grieving, and he's trying to figure out how to keep his promises while dealing with all that. maybe that's why when he's snapping back, the tears he held back begin to line his eyes, though he isn't paying very much attention to that.]
Did you hate me when I held my hand out? Did you hate me when you forced us onto that lift? Was making us see that your way of showing it? ...Did you hate me when you wanted me to save Marian, or stop Hugo!? Or when I told you that we brought her back safely!? Maybe you did... maybe you do. But you're still our friend. You're still my friend, so I'm not going to give up on you just because of those things, Leon.
So just stop! Stop trying to act like you're the only one who gets to decide. You made enough choices already! Let me... let me help! [he chose to not rely on them when marian was taken. he chose to betray them. he chose to die. he doesn't get to choose to push stahn out of his life now, that much stahn is deciding on his own.
even now, when he's grieving and suffering, he's madder that leon won't let him help. he's madder that leon is choosing solitude and hurting them both rather than the fact that he's bearing the weight of the world. he doesn't mention how he has nightmares about seeing leon's last moments, how sick he feels when he remember what happened to ilene, and how many other countless traumas he's endured since leon sacrificed himself. because that's not important to him right now, even though it's undoubtedly as unhealthy as what they've been doing to bottle it up.
being there for the sake of his friends... this is what he has to do most, even if it hurts.]
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And now he's right back to hurting Stahn.
But he can't stop, either, and Stahn is still so focused on him, even now. Leon doesn't understand. He'll never understand, he's starting to think, because Stahn has no reason to worry even now about Leon. After everything Leon did, he'd deserve nothing more than Stahn turning his back on him, especially when he's obviously in so much pain.
But...
He can't change Stahn, and he can't convince him otherwise. He can't convince him to stop caring, that much is obvious; he's been trying from day one, trying extra from the moment they met up again in Cerealia, and it just doesn't work. Stahn won't...let him go.
That should make him happy...but he's not sure how it makes him feel. It makes him feel all sorts of mixed up emotions, but what he does know is that in response to Stahn's flared up anger, Leon's temper flares as well. As ever, really. They bring out the best in each other, but they also bring out the worst, and Stahn has always been ever capable of getting under Leon's skin.
So he snaps back, expression fierce, but his voice trembles despite himself, throat tight.]
I--!
[It's honestly panic-inducing in a way. Stahn asking these questions. Stahn digging deep into why he did the things he did, because in large part, Leon still doesn't know. And what he does know is.... nothing he wants to say, but he needs an answer, and he needs one now.]
I never wanted this! [Each word is bit out shortly, piece by piece.] Everything that happened--I never wanted any of it! And in the end, it was a relief.
[To die. To be able to go out a hero. Even if it also was terrifying, and even if it hurt to die like that alone, and even if he still has nightmares of drowning, and the feeling of not being able to breathe until everything went dark. It was still a relief, because Stahn and the others were safe, and because he didn't have to face up to what he'd done.
But now he does.
And it's too much for him, and it's been too much for awhile now.]
I don't want your help! I just want--! [...what does he want? He wants to go back to being dead, when Stahn is safely back in their world. He doesn't want to have to face this. He's a coward, and it would be so much easier, and.... and he doesn't know what to do with this second life.
... He reins in his temper with an iron willpower, though he doesn't seem to realize that his eyes are a little wet as well; no tears spill over, though, so it doesn't much matter. Instead, he carries on flatly.]
It doesn't matter. Do what you want. Make whatever choices you want.
[Stahn's not going to stop, so why should he even bother?
It's not like it's going to matter in the end anyway.]
If you want to continue hurting yourself for no reason, that is of no concern of mine.
[Even though really, that's what he's been concerned with all along.]
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he can't ignore it.
his fiery nature means it's a lot harder for him to calm down. when he gets like this, it's usually rutee, or woodrow, or philia that give him that tap to calm the hell down and look at things a little different. he's not unlike dymlos in this way, and without them there to temper him, it's just bad news. for someone who usually smiles as bright at the sun.. well, he burns with just as much intensity when he's mad.
and that's why he doesn't respond to the way leon tries to calm himself, or the fact that he says he doesn't want stahn's help. none of that matters, because at the end of the day, stahn is absolutely never going to give up on doing that anyway. that's his nature. that's who he is as a person. he helps his friends, and leon is the most important friend of them all. he may not know how to help yet, or what it'll eventually entail, but that's not something he's ever for a moment considered giving up on. maybe it'll hurt him in the end, but can it hurt any more than this? he's not sure.
but there's something he he can't ignore.]
It was... a relief? [those words are said with... almost indignation. he can hardly believe leon is saying that, because it really is the most cowardly way he could have responded. leon magnus, knight of seinegald... relieved to die.]
Maybe it was a relief. For you. But did you think about everyone else that had to watch that? Do you know how badly Rutee was hurt after that!? After you said those things. How could you tell her that and then leave her!?
[she had tried so hard to hold it together, and then she had cries so hard in his arms after proclaiming how much she hated leon. how... how could he act like anything about this was a relief? he didn't have to deal with the consequences. he didn't have to deal with the grieving. he didn't have to be everyone's strength. he didn't have to see the way kongman held stahn back, or how woodrow had to talk him down from walking into a death trap to save leon.]
Nobody wanted it. Nobody wanted that for you! We all wanted to help you, we all wanted you to come out of it. But it's a relief!? Leon! Can't you see it? No matter what happens, we're still your friend!
[he's such a mess. just like that day, all over again, he's yelling and he's crying. he's hurt and he's upset, and he's traumatized but it all. leon can claim this is no concern of his, but that hurt doesn't stop just because leon says things like that. even without leon there... stahn's hurt from his death hasn't stopped. he's still grieving, even with leon being in the same room. this is hard. this has been hard on stahn, even though he never once brings up how much he struggles.]
I've thought about it every day. Every day since we got out of there. There isn't a day I don't remember what happened. Until I die... I'll never forget what happened. [how much he hurt, what it looked like. he'll never let leon's memory fade.
this is the first time he's saying it to leon, the first time he's addressing just how hard he's been hit by it. it's something everyone in the party knew, but just didn't talk about... probably for stahn's sake more than anyone else's. and maybe this reaction here and now is exactly why it's been this way. maybe this in itself is why everyone's told him to focus on stopping hugo and nothing else. at the end of the day, he's not a trained soldier. he's a country boy who wasn't prepared for the dark underbelly of humanity. he's a kid who was not once ever prepared for tragedy on this scale. his idealism has been twisted from what it was a few months ago, and even with that positive facade... it's clear: this all has affected him much deeper than he's letting him admit to even himself.]
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That entire spiraling nightmare that had been being under Hugo's thumb...it truly had been a relief when it had ended. If he hadn't died there, then what then? Hugo would have used Marian against him yet again. Maybe he would have resorted to trying to harm Stahn and the others again. And...
He wouldn't have been able to take it.
No, Leon's weak, and he knows it. He's so much weaker than Stahn right now, and there's really nothing that can be said in his own defense. He doesn't have a defense. He doesn't have any sort of defense, which is why, even if he starts to react indignantly or fiercely, he just... doesn't have it in him.]
You don't know--! [what he went through. How horrible everything was. How alone he was, even if that was of his own making. But then again, in a way, Leon has always been his own worst enemy.
But of course Stahn doesn't know. He had no way of knowing. And... that's no excuse either. Everything Stahn is saying is right, and it hurts. Especially as it all processes, and he's left with the cold, creeping realization that he's been wrong about the outcome of this situation all along.
He'd thought that...]
Rutee...did? [He doesn't understand it. She'd hated him. Finding out that he was her family should have meant nothing to her. His death should have meant nothing to her. And Stahn... well, of course Stahn cared, but--this much? Why would he possibly care this much? This wasn't supposed to happen like this.
He was supposed to die, the others would be safe, and then they could move on with their lives, take on Hugo and save the world. That's all that was supposed to happen. That's all he expected to happen, so seeing Stahn as broken down as this over it just doesn't make sense.
He's been angry this entire conversation, but now he's just quiet, both confused and upset, no matter how much he tries to stomp that down. (But really, in the end, Leon is still just a stupid kid, no matter what else he tries to be.)]
You--this wasn't supposed to happen this way.
[This was never...supposed to happen this way.]
You weren't supposed to... [care. Not that much. Maybe a little, because Leon is admittedly selfish enough to not have wanted to be entirely forgotten, not too easily, but he didn't want this, either.]
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leon may semi-intentionally hurt stahn with his constant attempts to keep his distance, but stahn can't do the same in return. it's too exhausting, and he just doesn't even have it in him right now. he wants leon to see and understand jut how much of a hole there was without him around, but he knows he can't do that by yelling a lot. so he falls quiet as all of these realizations start to sink in, as he tries to find all the words he needs to say. he's... not very good at this either.
but leon is hurting too, right?
he's hurting just as much as they all were, and even though stahn knows this will probably hurt him more... it needs to be said.]
She tried hard to be strong... and to understand what you did. But you told her that. You were the only family she had, and you left her that way. [he remembers her yelling, her crying, and the feeling of her sobs right into his chest. she didn't hate leon, not at all. she hated what he did, but he knows that rutee would have treated him better if she'd known sooner.
if she'd known sooner, things would have been different. stahn is sure of that.] Nobody wants to see that happen, Leon! She's still.... your sister. Why would she be okay with watching her brother do something like that, after everything?
[he shakes his head, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment. which is probably a bad idea, when all he can see are the images that are burned in his mind: leon's sad smile as the lift rose, the water pouring through the cracks, rutee's confused, teary eyes.]
Don't you get it? You can't decide things for us like that. How we feel, how we felt. You're our friend, no matter what happens. Nobody wanted that, everybody misses you. Me and Rutee, Philia, Mary, Woodrow, Kongman, Chelsea... everybody. Even while we do what you left for us! Everyone would have wanted you to do this with us. And Marian, too... she wanted to wait for you, even though she knew...
[he can't even raise his head to look at leon. he's a total wreck, because this is the first time he's said any of this out loud. nobody talked about it much, and they'd all done their best to hold it together when they had to fill marian in. they've all been trying hard to not let their emotions dictate what they do, or how they handle things.
but they'll never forgive hugo for what he did. especially not stahn, and maybe even doubly so for rutee, who now knows that her little brother died because of her own father's manipulations.
so maybe leon's right. it wasn't supposed to happen this way. but not because nobody was supposed to care. it was because they never should have lost a treasured friend, which is what leon will always be to them, regardless of his betrayal. they never for a second stopped believing in him; stahn didn't at least. he knew right from the start that something bigger led leon to that choice, something that hurt him too much. he knows leon would never have betrayed his country or his friends without a good reason... and knowing that means that he can't for a second view him as a traitor.]
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He was Rutee's brother. He was all of their friend. He...
He supposes that was true. He can't really deny it any longer, not now that he's been able to see just how broken up Stahn was about it. But it's...panic-inducing too. Because the thought that they all cared that much about him, and that they always did, and that...they would have come, if he'd asked them to come...
Was he wrong?
He knows he was wrong about so many things. He knows that. But he couldn't even begin to scratch at the thought that he was wrong about not listening to Chaltier, and not getting help when Marian was taken. That was the one mistake that he couldn't accept was a mistake, because if he did then... then he'd have to accept that in the end, he brought everything on himself. In the end, everything that happened was his own fault, and nobody else's, because he just...made the wrong choices.
But Stahn keeps saying it, and saying it, and making it so clear, and Leon's carefully constructed ideas about that entire nightmare are coming crashing down, and there's nothing he can do about it. But really...that's all the more reason for him to die, really. If, in the end, he made that fatal mistake too, if it had been a mistake all along, then--
(He needs to apologize to Chal.)
--it was all his fault.
He could have handled anything but this.
His breath catches, but he refuses to cry--or at least he refuses to let anyone see him cry, looking away sharply, hair falling into his face. It's too much for him, and he...can't deny it any longer. He'd hurt all of them with his choices, and he regrets every last bit of it.]
Stop.
[It's the only word that escapes him at first, soft and almost wounded, before he manages to catch his breath and speak in a tone that's a bit more like himself. It's harsh, but it's the harshness that is dragged out of someone realizing that they've messed up; it's not defensive anymore, but rather just bitterly harsh.]
I can't-- [He can't take this--but it's too late, isn't it? He's already acknowledged it deep down, that he messed it all up. There's no going back from it now.]
I thought... [Wrong. He thought wrong.
And slowly he takes a shuddering breath and swallows, and when he meets Stahn's eyes, his expression is just bitter, but aside from some lingering wetness in his eyes, he's not crying either. He can't back down from this point. Backing down from this now...would just mean that everything comes crashing down.
(But now he just sounds resigned, and so very tired.)]
I made the decisions I made. I won't...take them back.
[He can't take them back. He has no other option at this point.
And they were...the wrong choices. He knows that now.]
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he knows that leon can't change the past. it's already happened, so even if he wanted to, there's just no way to do that. and stahn is more than aware that leon has figured this out. but that look of bitterness just makes it feel worse; it still feels like even with some kind of bare acknowledgement of the facts, leon is in refusal to accept how much they all hurt because of those choices.
and how much they miss him.
and how much he still means, even though he's not fighting alongside them.
he doesn't know how much everyone had to talk stahn down from the ledge to ensure that leon's sacrifice wouldn't be in vain, and he doesn't know just how much rutee cried. he doesn't know the sort of sad smile marian gave them when she realized that leon wasn't in their numbers.]
I know. Now... you have to live here with those choices. Just like the rest of us have had to. [he says it quietly, and though he's looking at leon... the gaze doesn't stay there. his eyes are red and rimmed with wetness, his cheeks are tear stained; stahn is a mess. it's hard to look at leon when he's like this, because he feels as weak as leon claimed he was. but it's hard to help, not when he's been holding all of this grief in for months.
leon's not the only one he's been grieving over, of course... but everyone else; baruk, ilene, rembrandt... all of the feelings about what happened with them are flooding out along with this. ilene especially, since that was undoubtedly one of the more traumatizing experiences of his journey, and disabled him nearly as much as leon's death did. so it's hard to look at him. it's hard to be that positive force of sunshine he's always been, relentlessly steamrolling leon's stubborn ways. it won't stop him from saying what he needs to say, but somehow, he can't look at leon while he does it. it's easier to dip his head and let his hair do a better job of hiding it.]
But I won't take back anything either, Leon. Not that you're my friend, and not that... I'm happy that there's a way I can see you again, even if it's only for a while. [he hates that latter part, but he knows it. unless there is some way... and if there is, he'll want to use it.
but stahn knows. he already knows this painful truth, even if he wants to look for some kind of alternative.] If they were here, they'd feel the same way.
[he sucks in a breath, and the next part comes out much more quietly. it's almost like he's unsure if he should say it at all, but... he can't help himself. there are so many things he wants leon to know, and he knows he may not have a chance to again. because... he has to be strong, right? he has to keep his head up. he has to not let his feelings control him. he has a to find a way home and ensure everyone's safety. he has to save the world and stop hugo from firing belcrant again. and he can't do this if he's going to do that.]
We just... miss you, Leon. Nobody can take your place. [not as a comrade, not a friend, not as a brother. he'll always view leon as his best friend; who could dare replace him? nobody, of course.]
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