![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
[closed] every path is nothing but pain and suffering
Who: Harada Sanosuke ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ohspearme & various other people (starters below)
When: Up to about a week after the event? So ICly end of October, beginning of November
Where: All over the place
What: Sano gets to play damage control after the disaster that was his body-snatching. And also go drinking. A lot.
Rating/Warning: ANGST, booze, probably language, possibly violence???
ohspearme & various other people (starters below)When: Up to about a week after the event? So ICly end of October, beginning of November
Where: All over the place
What: Sano gets to play damage control after the disaster that was his body-snatching. And also go drinking. A lot.
Rating/Warning: ANGST, booze, probably language, possibly violence???
no apologies I love theeeeem
Except he's the one who brought Shinpachi to this point. And there's nothing good about seeing his best friend so upset.
But still, Sano remains silent, taking the abuse, for once unsure of where to go from here. All he can do at the moment is raise his hands to Shinpachi's wrists, gently wrapping his fingers around them. But he doesn't tear Shinpachi away, just physically and silently reinforces the fact that he's still there and for now he's not going anywhere. Even if Shinpachi's upset and it's Sano's fault, he'll still do what he can to be a constant.
But then the time comes when he has to do something. And he doesn't know where to start. It's so easy to just fall back into their old ways, where he listens to Shinpachi rant and rave until he's exhausted himself and then never say a word on his own inner feelings. It's so easy. But easy isn't always the best action.
And if he wants to get Shinpachi back, he needs to take a pretty big step on this new path. Even if he doesn't want to. Even if what he's about to confess hurts him and embarrasses him so, so much. He needs to do this. His voice, however, is quiet, small, very much owing to how this isn't Sano's forte.]
...I got my ass kicked at Toba-Fushimi.
[His hands tighten a little on Shinpachi's wrists.]
I couldn't...I couldn't do anything to protect Chizuru, not against Shiranui. She even tried to protect me, but I still just...
[His voice drops to a whisper.]
...I can't forgive myself for that. I failed so bad.
no subject
Even when the hands curl around his wrists. Maybe especially then. Because even when his hands shake from the tension, it's Sano's calmer grip that keeps them even remotely steady. It's only then that he can swallow enough to blink away the faint tears that were starting to form in the corners of his eyes, much like they always do when he gets over the top emotional. Like a kid, almost - but that's just how emotionally genuine Shinpachi is.
But then, slowly but steady, something happens that he didn't expect.
Sano talks.
Sano talks about something that sounds very heavy for him, heavier than pretty much anything else he's ever told Shinpachi. Something from the future, he knows, since Sano did mention Toba-Fushimi before, he just didn't mention any details.
And in a sense, Sano is right - because a part of Shinpachi does believe in the mental image he has of a practically unbeatable Sano. Sano who might lose a spar to him at times, but who would never fall that bad in battle. So of course he didn't even think of this possibility of something that was dragging the other down. But it does make sense. If there's anything that would weigh down on a warrior like them, it'd be a crushing loss like that. Especially when protecting something important. Especially when it's someone you love - he thinks of the brief panic he felt when Leanne got hurt back in ViViD, and for once he can actually understand Sano on that field.
He doesn't let go of Sano, but the grip gets a little less tight. ]
.. They're demons.
[ His own voice is softer too now. It's still a little raw from the yelling just now, but it's at least still understandable. ]
None of us have been able to fight them that way-- even Souji got his ass kicked. [ And that's saying a lot, considering Souji is one of the few people Shinpachi will actually consider a better swordsman than himself. The best in the Shinsengumi, probably. ] If it was me, it would've been the same. It would've been the same if it was anyone.
[ He knows it probably doesn't help much. It doesn't change the outcome, after all. But what else is he supposed to say? ]
I mean.. yeah, it sucks. I've been beaten by less over important stuff too, and it sucks. [ That night with Saitou, in the rain-- ] But.. it's not your fault. We're just human.
no subject
[His voice is still quiet - or at least the drunk equivalent - and his gaze drops to the ground between them. While his words are honest, they're not what he would have wanted to say normally. Because it's such a negative sentiment and not one he wants to throw at Shinpachi, even if his friend can share that burden. But he's already thrown it out there. He can't take it back. Even if he tried to brush it off and say it was nothing, Shinpachi is already too attuned to the fact that Sano's troubled. It would never work. He can only go forward from here.]
I get that we fight 'cause that's all we can do, but...
[He thinks back, however hazily, on the years that Chizuru has been with the Shinsengumi and all the terrible things they've seen, the pain she's had to witness. The times her life had been put in danger because the Shinsengumi just wasn't quite strong enough to keep Kazama and the others at bay. And though Chizuru never complains and just tries her best to stay out from underfoot and to do what little she can to comfort them...
If they can't - if Sano can't - protect her, then - ]
She deserves better than this.
[He doesn't want her to leave, though, even if he would let her, even if he would help her get out if she really wanted it, but the guilt of keeping her trapped where she's not completely safe is just as terrible. Sighing, Sano releases Shinpachi's wrists and leans forward to drop his head on Shinpachi's shoulder.]
...I don't know how you do this all the time. It's exhausting.
[You've barely even said anything, Sano...]
no subject
Especially not with how defeated he looks as he says it. It's very different than the Sano he's used to, so tired and hollow.
Honestly, it just means he'll have to keep an eye on it more in the future. Sano can handle himself just fine, he's convinced of that even after this, but.. he at least needs his best friend to look a little after him in that sense. If Sano won't talk about shit he should be airing, then Shinpachi will make him air it. As hard as it is for him with how oblivious he can be to the small things.. well, if it's for Sano, then why wouldn't he try his damnest? It's the least the other deserves.
So Shinpachi smiles - a little bit, not as wide as usually, since all of this is heavy - and slowly removes his hands off Sano's clothes to instead put a hand on the back of that head that's leaning against him. Almost like a parent might do to an upset child, really. And Sano's last words actually do bring a small amused sound across his lips. ]
Why do you think it comes in bursts? No one can survive doing that shit all the time. Well, except maybe me.
[ At least he tries to keep the mood light like that..
His voice is a little softer now too though - probably since he doesn't want to yell in the other's ear with it being so close, or maybe so Sano can keep his dignity in case anyone wanders by, so they at least won't overhear the conversation. (Instead they'll just look really homo as always, standing here like this.) ]
'sides, this is enough for now. You don't have to throw it out all at once. Just.. [ ... ] Just remember I'm here for you, 'kay? I know you're just gonna call me a softy and make fun of me forever again when you're sober, but I'm exactly s'posed to be here so you don't have to deal with that stuff alone. Whether it's about demons, or battles, or problems, or.. well, even women, even if you know I'm not good with that.. I'll be the one to listen these times. And help too, since you know what I'm like. Can't sit still and all.
That's called [ bromance ] friendship, y'know.
no subject
Because, just like Sano has known for as long as they've been friends, Shinpachi's still here for him. Even if they had to fight a little to get to this point. Even if Sano hasn't been completely honest up to this point. Even if Shinpachi has his own lady now.
(Sano remembers his first best friend and how things between the two of them had ended when his friend fell in love and ran off with a woman.)
And, no, he wouldn't usually want to be seen like this, vulnerable and leaning - physically and emotionally - on his best friend, but that hand on his head is somehow comforting and he can't help but lift his arms and grasp the fabric on Shinpachi's back. Tightly. As if to tell Shinpachi never to leave, even though he knows his friend wouldn't do it by choice.]
...You're my best friend, Shinpachi.
[I love you, man.]
But I dunno, you're doin' better'n me on the woman front last I looked.
[He's still amazed by that, to be honest.]
no subject
(He feels those hands clinging to his back, and he's practically sure of it in this moment. There's no way Sano would just let him leave the Shinsengumi all by himself. Sano leaves with him in the future, and that's how they both survive the war.
Sano's just got to be the other survivor, there's no other way.)
Shinpachi lets out a small laugh though at that last statement. ]
Yeah. Dunno how that happened either. [ At least he's honest, since he is at least that self-aware.. he knows he doesn't really have a lot of Sano's good qualities that women seem to like about him. But he seems to have done something right with Leanne, anyway. ] Maybe it's since I don't fall for girls who're sticking around 300 men all day long.
[ It's a small joke though, little more than a light tease. He's just doing his best, since.. well, honestly, this is probably the first time that it's been Sano who was leaning (metaphorically) on him rather than the other way around outside of battle. And he's not about to immediately ruin this new development, especially when it's better for Sano, too.
It's why he breathes in, and-- ]
So next time you're gonna kick some demon ass, take me along too, got it? What's there that the two of us couldn't at least try to tackle before, huh..? [ Sure, they might not be able to beat a demon either with the two of them, but at least their chance is no longer just impossible, period, end of sentence.
It's the only answer he can provide, after all, even if it took a moment. ]