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Who: Roxas & Mary
When: Backdated 84 years to right after his chat with Riku
Where: The Usual Spot aka some unused restaurant space in a skyscraper
What: Kingdom Hearts is a really dumb canon with really dumb rules and Roxas has to deal with the convolution Tetsuya Nomura has wrought on him.
Rating/Warning: None

[he didn't come back home after he left riku's apartment.

he didn't even leave riku's place the way he should have; he more or less ran away using a corridor and came directly to the usual spot. no ice cream, no... well, no anything. roxas has just been sitting in his normal spot for a few hours with his knees pulled to his chest, staring out blankly at cerealia's cityscape. he's heard and felt his cerevice go off more than once, but he hasn't taken it from the pocket of his coat to check, either.

he knows he's probably causing someone worry—and by someone, he knows it's mary. nobody else would be looking for him to be so persistent, but his head is too clouded with trying to sort out what he thinks and feels to even bother.

he has a heart. all this time, he's had a heart. which means what he told mary wasn't true, and so many things he thought he'd never be able to understand may be possible. but then, what else does that mean for him? or for someone like xion? the rest of the organization, and naminé? and what about his keyblades? he has so many questions and no answers. riku could probably answer some of them, but he's not ready.

roxas isn't ready for anything, which is why he's just sitting there like a lunk instead of going home. smart. excellent. today is going well (no it isn't).]

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[ Kingdom Hearts... Mary's not sure exactly what that is, but from the way Roxas talks about it, maybe he also doesn't know what that entails. It's just something that can give Nobodies their hearts back? Is that it?

... Well, in the scheme of things, it's probably not that important to dwell on. Roxas had worked hard.. fought hard? But...

There's always a "but", and this time, she knows it's a rather large one. Because he'd been lied to, and she's beginning to suspect, but... still, Mary waits. It's hard enough for Roxas to talk about, probably, without her interrupting. ]

[it's not like roxas could really even explain kingdom hearts if he wanted to, since he still doesn't have much of an understanding of it either. especially when he now has the issue of not really knowing what was a lie and what was the truth.

or who even knew what. the organization couldn't be trusted, but riku's implications seemed to be that not everyone in the organization really knew the truth, so as much as the others kept him in the dark often... he wasn't the only one being duped by this situation.]

That wasn't what the Organization was really about. Xemnas... he lied to us. [about a lot of things, but he starts with the simple part.] He said it so we'd listen, so... he could make us vessels for him.

[for his heart? roxas still isn't really sure about that part. he still isn't sure about this xehanort business, or how xemnas is connected to it. but apparently he had a heart and wanted to put it in all of them for some reason it's clear roxas doesn't really understand the whole of what he's telling her.]

We were just... pawns... [they were being used, and that's still not even all he has to tell her, even if it seems like that's probably bad enough to warrant this sort of state from him. he can't help but clench his hands into fists again when he thinks about it, though.

he was already so fed up with the organization's bullshit, and then this just comes along to prove that he was right to walk away from it when he did. or maybe that he should have sooner, like xion tried to do.]

H-huh?? Vessels?? [ Mary likes to think she'd been following along rather well, and you know, understanding, but then he says that and she's left floundering for comprehension. She knows what vessels are. She herself is a vessel, of sorts, although that's not something she's realized yet.

And she knows what pawns are, and thinking of Roxas as either of those terms is... alarming. He also doesn't really seem like he'll be able to explain that all completely, but he's said enough that Mary's torn between distress and anger. Xion and his other best friend... didn't deserve any of that. The other members... probably didn't deserve it, either. Roxas definitely didn't. ]

That's... unforgivable...

[ Calm down, Mary. ]

[well, if nothing else? her reaction just further justifies his own feelings on the matter. it's not forgivable; it's downright disgusting how much they had been manipulated for someone else's machinations.

it's especially worse for him when he hardly knew what was the truth and what wasn't. maybe he knows these facts now because for all that riku aggravates him, he knows that riku wouldn't lie about this. but within the organization, how many lies had he been told that riku wouldn't be able to dispel? how many lies had been told unknowingly because of what xemnas fed them?

how many had been told knowingly?

he doesn't know.

but maybe he shouldn't let that distract him or get caught in his thoughts again over that. not when he still needs to tell mary the most important part.

(this is definitely information overload.)]

That's not all... There's more he told me... about Nobodies.

[ There's... more...

Which, in a sense, is good for curbing Mary's temper, because it means she won't immediately get incredibly furious until she's heard him out. Even if what he's told her is aggravating and she really just wants to find... Whoever-this-person-was and get him to take back every single bad thing he'd ever done to her friend.

It's a stupid thought, maybe, but still.

Mary sucks in another breath, though, holds it-- and releases it, because yes, she needs to focus on the rest of this. ]

... Okay.

[ He can continue when he's ready. ]

[this part is the hard part.

well, all of it has been hard, but this is the part that's struck the deepest chord with him. it's what is really changing the game and forcing him to completely reassess everything he's really ever known.

he feels so vulnerable, and maybe that vulnerability comes from the knowing that what he feels is his. these feelings are really is, because he has a way to feel them, but now he has to try and convey that to mary. and no matter what, he doesn't see there being a good or easy way to do this.]

You remember what I told you before about Nobodies, right? [about what it means, and how they end up that way. roxas figures she wouldn't forget, but he has to ask anyway.]

[ There's a bit of hesitation, but only because Mary is trying to make sure she does remember all of that. After a minute, she holds up one finger of her free hand. ]

They're... what happens when somebody loses their heart. And they can remember what it was like to have one, mostly. [ Except Roxas. ] But they don't have one, so they can't actually feel things? Even though I don't feel like that's right with you.

[ That's the gist of it, right? But she really doesn't agree with that, because Roxas... definitely felt things, she's sure of that much. ]

Ye... yeah.

[that last part of what she says resonates a bit, if only because—well, she's right.

it's now or never. he has to tell her, because he's come this far. it's scary and he's still trying to wrap his head around this truth. even with all that he'll tell her, there's still so much more, and it's so complicated.

he can feel, and he can be sure these feelings are his, but he's not sure what he's supposed to feel. angry? relieved? he got what he wanted in some way, but at what cost, and what will it mean for him later on down the line?]

Riku told me that...

[he really hates relying on riku for this stuff, but he has good reason to, even if mary doesn't know why yet.]

Nobodies... Their bodies try to replace the hearts they lost, by themselves. [as in "he didn't have a heart and that was true, but things changed and he didn't even know it."]

They--

[ What? Before Roxas, Mary thought she'd had a pretty solid understanding of hearts (especially with her extensive knowledge pilfered through all the manga and fairy tales she'd read). But now, she's realizing... there's a lot that she doesn't know about, hadn't even suspected. Accepting that Roxas didn't have a heart had been close to impossible, and even then, it hadn't changed the way she'd thought of him.

But if Nobodies... if their bodies had tried-- no, if they'd managed-- ]

Wait, then you-- you do have a heart? [ Now? For how long?

And what did that mean for Roxas, who had been convinced that he didn't?

It's... a lot to think through, and she's not sure how to feel about it, if just because the revelation itself is one that stuns her. ]

...That's what he said.

[there's still a mild air of disbelief to it though, honestly speaking. he knows riku wouldn't lie to him about this, and it's not like he doesn't know that he feels things, despite everything was told had been impossible about that.

he'd heard so many times to stop pretending he could feel, or acting like the farce would make the feelings of someone who didn't even "exist" valid. he knew otherwise, that he wasn't just pretending or remembering the things he felt... but to have that backed up with the confirmation that he does have a heart? it's hard to take in. he doesn't know what that makes him. is he still a nobody if he has a heart? does this mean he truly, finally "exists," and what does it mean for sora if they're that separate?

there are so many questions and not enough answers. not for mary, not for himself. at least she's not the only one here who happens to be stunned—there's a reason he's been holed up in their usual spot by himself for hours, after all.]

Edited (html has forsaken me once more) 2016-04-22 17:07 (UTC)

... That's... a lot to take in, isn't it?

[ Even for Mary, and she wasn't the person this news impacted the most. She can only imagine what it had been like for Roxas, who had spent his whole life believing, being told that he didn't have a heart. Everything-- or a lot of what he'd been told, it hadn't been true. If that had happened to her, how would she feel? Confused, definitely. Shocked. Angry, for not having learned this sooner.

She doesn't know how, exactly, Roxas feels, but that won't stop her from scooting in closer and leaning in so their shoulders touch. ]

That's why you came here?

Yeah.

[it's a single word that seems to answer both of her questions at once. and really, he expended so much energy and brainpower just trying to tell her that much that roxas doesn't even know what else he can say.

though it may pale in comparison to how much this affects him, roxas knows this can't be easy for mary to hear, either. even without knowing of any feelings beyond their friendship, the fact that he'd told her that he'd never be able to understand things like love because he didn't have a heart hurt her.

—now he has one, and he still has not even the slightest understanding of those things. even when knowing the truth, he's not sure what the truth is at this point. so he falls quiet, and hardly even realizes the way he leans against her a little more when their shoulders touch; it's strangely instinctive to the point that it doesn't register with roxas that he's doing it. but clearly... he needs some kind of support here right now.]

I just wanted... to clear my head. [which obviously is not working out too well at all.]

[ Obviously it hadn't worked out at all, because here she is. And how long would she have been sitting at home, wondering, if she hadn't decided to find him herself? Would he have stayed up here all night? Is he going to stay up here all night?

Because if he is, she's not budging. Mary also doesn't really think to focus on their closeness right now, even if she'd ordinarily be a flushed, flustered mess if their hands so much as brushed. But right now, Roxas needs... her? This? Whatever it is she can offer to help him feel better, she'll gladly do it.

So, with a soft fwump, she rests her head on his shoulder and takes a deep breath. ]

I don't really know... how to help. [ Mary admits that, because as much as she wants to, she doesn't have a magical solution to reassure him. That was too much he's had to deal with, and she's only wishing she could have found him sooner. ]

But I always felt like... they had to be wrong, saying someone like you didn't have a heart. Or-- um, not that you were lying, but that... I guess, in the end, it didn't matter to me? I mean, it hurt, and I know it's hurt you but--

[ Ugh, explaining this is too darn complicated. ]

You were never a Nobody to me. You were-- no, you're still Roxas. And no matter what you learn or what they say, that's never going to change for me.

So you can stay here as long as you need to, until you know what it is you feel. I'll stay, too.

[there's a long silence as roxas listens to the words mary says, but he honestly isn't sure how to respond to any of them.

he can feel the vague thump in his chest when she rests her head against his shoulder, but not much thought goes into that at all—he's too busy listening to her words. they're things that he is glad to hear; for mary to say that no matter what happens, he'll still be the same to her happen to be the sort of words he really needs to hear at a time like this. even if he isn't sure how to respond to express his gratitude for that much. maybe it should only be natural when it's the same in the other direction. mary will always be mary to him too.

it just goes to show that he's bad at this, probably.

it's a during that silence that his head tilts to lean into hers, and his eyes fall closed as he lets out a quiet sigh. somehow, the gesture does seem to convey that he appreciates her efforts, even if the words are nowhere to be found. what does he even say right now?]

I just... don't know what it makes me. I'm... me. I'm not him, but I still don't know what it means. These feelings are mine but...

[he finds himself rambling a little, letting out the jumbled thoughts in his head to her. they don't all make a lot of sense, but it's probably better than silence, right?]

I dunno. I still don't understand.

[ They don't make a lot of sense, though. Mary isn't sure who him is referring to, unless he means the person he'd used to be before he'd lost his heart. But if that had grown back, doesn't that mean-- no, it has to mean something different, or Roxas wouldn't feel the need to call himself someone else.

But she doesn't ask for clarification, because she understands what it's like to just... need to get everything off of your chest, even if it didn't make sense. She'd been on the verge of blurting out everything when he'd come across her facing the mirrors of her memory, not just what had been shown, but what she vaguely remembered-- her mother, grasped by snakes, Mary's outstretched fingers only grasping the keys that dangled limply from her neck--

It wouldn't make sense, though. She doesn't understand it much, herself.

And so she doesn't ask Roxas to explain, not when he's finally talking about this, and she can feel the warm pressure of his head against hers. Which really ought to be embarrassing, but instead, she just feels... content. As content as she can feel when she's worried about him. ]

I don't really get it, either. But maybe it's okay to not understand it right away. You know a lot of stuff you didn't know before... but because it's a lot, it might take a long time to think it through. Like how it was for me when you told me about yourself.

But like you said, you're you. That's the most important part, and we can try to understand the rest of it together-- if that's okay.

Maybe...

[as in "maybe it's okay to not understand," but it doesn't make it any less frustrating for roxas.]

I'm just... tired of not understanding. It's always like this, nobody ever tells me when it's important until it's too late. [this isn't exclusive to this situation, his tone indicates. roxas is constantly left out of the loop.

it hurts.

it hurts, and he's tired of it happening. it can't really be helped, and it's definitely not mary's fault that he's hurting from all of this, but his lack of understanding for so many things is one of his biggest hurdles.]

Do you really want to do that? [after a short pause and a deep sigh, he'll finally say that to her. does mary really want to help him try to understand all of this? even though it's so complicated? even if he doesn't know where to start? even after... everything he told her?

mary's too good of a friend, if that's the case. he's not sure what to do with it, not when his other friends had contributed to keeping him in the dark and doing... well, the exact opposite of helping and understanding things together, really.]

Of course I do! [ And she'd lift her head for emphasis, except Roxas' head is leaning against hers, and so she'll have to settle for just hoping her voice sounds firm enough. She doesn't want Roxas thinking she's got doubts about this, because all she really wants to do is help him, as much as she can. She doesn't want him to doubt. ]

You know I don't really get it already, but you're someone important to me. That means I want to help you, no matter what. If you want to understand what all of this means, I want to... to be with you, to understand it too. Or at least try to make it easier.

It's never a good idea to do things alone, anyway! It's better like this.

Thanks, Mary.

[his words come off pretty simply at first; there isn't much hesitation to his tone when it comes to showing her gratitude for it.

but as ever, there's still so much more to it than just his thanks. he has a reason for being able to say that so easily when everything else has been a struggle, a mess of words caught in his throat and feelings he doesn't know how to convey at all.]

Nobody... has ever really done that for me before. [nobody did a good job at helping him understand, and nobody had been there to support him when he needed it the most. roxas isn't used to having any support system at all—not just about this situation, but anything at all.

and yet mary always seems to be there these days for things like this. it's unfamiliar, though definitely not unwelcome.

he's just unsure of how to deal with it, exactly. when everything is so conflicted and strange and new... somehow, this has become his only true stability, and it's a bit weird for him.]

I thought best friends were supposed to be the ones who did that. Or the ones who would be the best at it.

[ And there it is, the reason why Mary had always quietly pointed out that she wasn't one of his best friends. Because she hadn't felt as though she was adequate enough-- that best friends were people who could solve all sorts of troubles, as though it wasn't actually anything that difficult to them. And because she wasn't like that, because Roxas already had people like that-- she hadn't been sure how much someone else could really help, in their place. ]

... But I think I know now... that you don't have to be someone's best friend, to support them. You just have to care and want to help them.

So maybe it's surprising for you, but I'll keep doing that... and sooner or later, I think you can rely on it.

I don't even know anymore... what best friends are supposed to be good at, or good for.

[it's a sad, but honest admission. it's not as if roxas is blind to the fact that mary does a better job than his best friends ever did at being supportive.

he still calls axel and xion his best friends, and they're still important to him, but what does it mean? what does it mean to be a best friend if they were never there? if they were always withholding things from each other and having arguments over petty things? it makes a pain surge through his chest, especially knowing that even though he's never called mary that...

well, she's always done a better job than them at a lot of things they were supposed to be there for, right? maybe it's because she's not a best friend, but roxas also has no idea what that means, either. she's his friend but...

it's special. it's different, isn't it? it's not the same. but he doesn't think that roxas is supposed to call her a best friend, either.]

Or maybe it's because... this isn't what best friends do. I dunno, but. [he draws in a breath. it's obvious that he's pretty confused about this, especially with how it makes him feel. it's just as muddied as everything else in his chest right now.]

Thanks, Mary. I'm really glad for it. For... your support. [there's more he wants to say, but he's not really sure how, so the words just kind of die in his throat as his head bumps against hers lightly.]

[ It's hard to envision that best friends, the highest possible rank of friend, wouldn't do something like this. So to hear that... it's just as sad as hearing Roxas admit that he - the person with best friends - doesn't know how they're supposed to be. That something like this, even though she'd already acknowledged it, is something that can be accomplished more easily by a friend who wasn't the best.

It's an odd thought to have, and maybe a part of her is wondering if it can be contributed to her feelings being stronger than normal friendship-- but she can't mention that.

Instead, Mary nudges their heads together in response. ]

You're welcome. Do you still want to stay up here?

[it seems like they're both in a situation of not really knowing just what their feelings mean—or what to do with them. it's confusing enough for roxas to just sweep under the rug; with his head so cluttered by everything else, it's just easier to do that.

of course, he also doesn't really know what mary's thinking right now, and he's still all sorts of unaware of her other feelings.]

For a bit. I don't think I'm ready to go yet. [he's feeling marginally better, and he does have mary to thank for that—even just listening to what he had to say and offering her support is infinitely more helpful than what he'd been doing. but he still also feels overwhelmed, like his head isn't quite clear enough to even start moving or thinking about much else quite yet.]

Is that okay? [which really just means he's asking if she's okay with staying there with him until he's ready. she's already stated as much, but it still feels like the right thing to do.]

Yeah, that's fine. [ she might be a little surprised that he feels the need to ask at all, but... maybe he's really not sure that that's what she wants? So Mary quickly adds: ]

It'd feel strange, going home without you, so... it's fine. I'll wait with you for as long as it takes, I promise.

[ It's been awhile since they've done this, but she lifts her head and shifts away-- if just to offer him her pinky. This promise, after all, isn't any less important than the ones she's made to him before. ]

[it does feel a little better to hear her say that, even though she'd already done so. but having it confirmed to him that way seems to put roxas a little more at ease.

...and seeing her holding out her pinky just hammers that home a little further. it's something stable and reliable; it's something they always so when they make a promise, and it's just one of those things that slides roxas a little closer to being grounded in reality. there are still so many uncertainties and questions, so much he needs to try and sort out his own heart (what a weird thing to have to do, he thinks), but for now...

he looks at her with the barest hint of an appreciative smile, holding out his hand in order to link their pinkies.]

Thanks, Mary...

I think you've thanked me more today than a lot of my friends have ever thanked me for as long as I've known them. [ gravely, as she gives their linked pinkies a firm shake of acknowledgment, before she reclaims her hand.

She's not even joking, either, she's pretty sure that's exactly right. It still doesn't feel as though she's accomplished a great deal; she hasn't answered any of Roxas' questions about himself, or said anything remotely wise.

... But he'd said it before, that she was helping just by doing what she always said. And if nothing else, she believes in the sincerity beneath his words. ]

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