Who: Everyone ever.
When: ooc: 10/30 to 11/04 ; ic: 09/26 to 09/28
Where: Cerealia - all five districts.
What: Clowns, Murder, Outrage and One Direction.
Happy Halloween :D
Rating/Warning: PG-13 to R. [ image within includes brief flash of scary clowns, scroll down quickly if you don't want to see it! ]
//event004.EXE
Queen of the Mountain
It's morning when the lights go out completely. Not a single one remains on except the glow of the device and whatever flashlights anyone bothered to stock up on. However, a single hologram in the Shopping District broadcasts along a billboard for a Very Important Announcement. After that, you hear a song so tender and beautiful that it must have been composed by angels at the dawn of time.
"Baby, you light up my world like nobody else. The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed… "
When you go outside to investigate, a friendly clown will be inside a stolen(?) ice cream truck, looking to get all your attention before he talks through the speaker on the truck.
"Greetings, Cerealians! It's nice of you to join us at last. Are you worried about the power coming back? Oh, I'm sure CERES is working on it now. Rest assured that they have their finest technicians on the job. You won't be without your precious personal computers and robot-pets much longer.
In the meantime, let's play a game shall we! The rules are rather simple:
♥ You see that necklace on your chest? That's a lantern. You're going to want to hold onto that. If you lose it… well, you don't want to know what will happen to you if you do.
♥ Now, for the fun part! Collect the necklaces any way you wish, though we prefer the naughty way. Kill a friend. Kill a foe. Killkillkillkill until the streets are paved with blood.
♥ Whoever collects the most of those lanterns, gets a special surprise! They get to go back home, back to their friends and loved ones and away from CERES' endless lies and trickery. Don't you know it's all a lie? Your worlds weren't destroyed. This is a penal colony, and you've been suckered into the biggest prank of your life. But I'm here to help, of course. Just bring me a garbage bag full of the lanterns, and I'll show you, the lucky winner, the way out."
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//SCENARIOS.EXE
PHASE I [ xx xx ]
You're going about your business, wading through the dark, finding supplies. But you're not alone. After the broadcast happens, everything is in full swing. Some masked participants decide to start breaking into shops, classes, apartments, you name it. There's no escaping them. They're on the hunt, they're after you 'cause they're hungry like the woooolf. You can choose to engage them, fight your way out, jump into the game, or head to the sanctuary located in CERES academy. The choice is yours. Be sure to make the right one.
PHASE II [ xxxx ]
Spiders, spiders everywhere. For those who decided to surrender their lanterns, the first twelve hours of the game are a breeze. Then, come the spiders, hungry critters that will attack and try to catch you in their many webs strewn through the colony. Be sure not to get stuck in one while they chase you.
PHASE III [ xxxx ]
Feeling weak? Not quite keeping up with the clown-faced gentlemen? Or maybe even your former friends and lovers? Well, there's a solution for that! You'll find another masked man happily pedaling some Pulse for you to take. The temptation is there with the promise of extra strength and a boost of power and speed. He won't hint at any side-effects, but oh, how you'll feel them when they hit. And those trying to dodge that fate, don't put your drink down anywhere or take your eyes off your food. Someone just might slip a little extra to get this game really going.
PHASE IV [ xxxx ]
It's the last day of the game. You're tired. You're weary. You may have stabbed a roommate or ten. But the lights are gradually returning while the CEO appears as if from nowhere with a public apology on all the billboards. You're welcome to spam your disgust and contempt in his inbox. His explanation for not being around? Quite simple! He was off on an expedition this whole time and wasn't aware of the situation because he gets no reception out in the jungle. See, he was doing it all for the good of the colony and trying to look for more habitable terrain. Isn't that kind of him?
Any further complaints will be forward to his underlings, Elias and Lucius.
BONUS [ whyo'clock ]
You know what's fun? Jumping castles! Someone happened to surreptitiously leave one in CERES' large garden. Do you want to go in and see what's inside? For a limited time only, you can escape the madness and murder to jump to your heart's content. There also might be another clown-faced murderer watching you as you jump. And jump again. He'll just be in the corner. Breathing. Watching.
[ Remember to apply proper warnings on threads with trigger-y or inappropriate material and do let a mod know if your thread careens off into maiming or canoodling so we can lock the log. ]
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//RUN.EXE
Welcome to CEREALIA's fourth official event. For your convenience, we have compiled an OOC post explaining the event in greater detail. Feel free to ask questions there if you have anymore lingering concerns or inquiries.
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no subject
with souji getting a chance to go fully on the offense, he's relentless. he swings fast and hard, he thrusts; he takes aim wherever he thinks there will be an opening. be it the arm or the torso, trying to knock the sword away once more, or trying to aim for a clear shot at saitou's neck — he's not stopping. he'll keep going until saitou's backed into a corner of some sort.]
no subject
And that's unfortunate, because this match is being set, slowly but surely, by that tiny, nagging little part where Souji is clearly aiming to kill, and Saitou is still looking for any way he can find not to.
It's only a split-second of hesitation, but that's all it takes. An opening, a clear shot at his sword arm -]
no subject
souji's quick to act on that hesitation, aiming directly for saitou's arm. there's absolutely no hesitation in his movements, just as there haven't been from the start. he knows saitou will heal quickly, but if he can get the sword knocked away and a couple of extra slashes in?
well, then it's game over.]
no subject
- falls from his hands.
He unhesitantly brings his right arm forward, tries to catch the brunt of the assault on something that doesn't matter as much and buy himself time to do something, anything, to recover the ground he's lost.
(He already knows it's futile.)]
no subject
he's quick to make a slash at saitou's arm, if only to get out of the way for a moment. souji knows it'll heal quick, though he's purposeful in trying to make the cut deep so it'll be disabled for even just a few seconds longer. that's all he needs to finish this off.]
no subject
He's so fucked.]
no subject
and that's exactly why he lets out a broken, twisted laugh as he aims for the sweet spot—saitou's chest.]
no subject
- and then there's a sword buried in his chest.
He freezes, tries to take in a breath that only makes it about halfway. He slowly, haltingly tries to reach for the hilt of Souji's sword - or maybe for Souji's hands? But his strength is fading as fast as the color in his hair, and after several long, agonizing seconds, his hand falls.]
no subject
it's horrifying and desperate in a way, but he can't recognize it that way all. none of those feeling are present as he pulls the blade from saitou's body. they're not present as the blood splatters the area around them, nor as forces the remains from his blade.
all there is right now is a dark and twisted laughter, one of gratification for his own victory.]
no subject
and for a moment, Hijikata's face is absolutely mortified because no no no, there is so much that has happened here that shouldn't have, so many previous efforts laid to waste in ruin, so many promises broken.
(I'll take care of him, then.)
His own voice echoes in his mind, his vision seeing the situation before him but seeing more clearly what his memory holds: a dark room, lying down to stare up into the dark as he stayed with Kondou, trying to ease his guilt over Souji, his grief over Hijikata, and his hate of himself.
... And trying so hard to get Kondou to do what Souji could not after having the kid break down on him in despair over things with that most important person. But, Hijikata had been unsuccessful, relenting to allow them to take their own pace and vowing to take care of Souji in the meantime.
It's funny how vowing to do something you have always innately done and then agreed to not do and relinquish that to someone else not part of the three of them that suddenly the commitment extends beyond the time it was active and the feeling of failure rots your insides.
It's funny how this isn't even the Souji he had started slowly to make some way with, not even of the same initial circumstances that the one in Zelien had been and yet the feeling is no different.
...Or, perhaps not. Because Souji for all his shitheadness and difficulty and whatever else constituted their relationship, it's still Souji.
It's still his kid brother in every sense of the word except blood.
And that means it's still his hope for the hopeless, that someday they'll figure this all out and come to terms somewhere and sometime before home repeats and it's lost for good.
For now, though, he'll do the only thing he knows he can do in this situation—the thing he has to do because that's far enough and he can at least return the favor offered to him by the other in their role-reversed parts at that hotel.
(Saitou's a different thought for another time that he can't think on now because if he goes he might snap; all those images of their encounters, all those times. And while he feels that awful sickness remembering putting his own blade through Saitou's chest, it's more all the close calls where he had managed to get there before it ended like this.
Luck had to run out, eventually.)
His footsteps are loud to his own ears and weapon unsheathed as he moves from the darkest parts of the shadows to the lesser night illuminated by the sky. ]
...Souji.
[ ( don't think don't feel don't react just don't )
Hijikata's voice is low, an eerie and heavy... something like acceptance already clear in his voice, despite his question. Kondou's blade remains in his hand, and his eyes never leave the two in front of him, stopping a bit away until he shifts his attention directly to Saitou's limp body and then completely to Souji himself. ]
What have you done?
[ ( that thing Hijikata calls acceptance, that he is too dense and failed too much on his side of the relationship to recognize, probably isn't so hard for Souji, even drugged.
And while it's only from Kondou that Souji fears it coming from, something about his reaction is awfully uncanny to the most important person they share between one another this time.
And maybe it's so like Kondou and nothing like Hijikata has ever acted towards Souji because never once has he truly felt this way before in regards to him.
It's not acceptance. It's disappointment in its deepest depths of despair. ) ]
no subject
this would normally be the time when everything about this situation would sink it. it would be when he realizes the remaining blood on the steel of his blade was that of his best friends. it would be when he realizes that saitou's dead, and it's because he was the one who caused it. it would be when the realization sinks in that hijikata isn't going to just be furious with him, but also disappointed. normally, he wouldn't feel good about any of this. souji can be incredibly reckless and unhinged at times, but he has his loyalty to the shinsegumi and would only draw his sword on them with intent to kill if it was because the bloodlust had consumed them like it had many of their troops in the past.
but that's in a normal situation. this situation is anything but normal.
the effects of the pulse are still coursing through him. the feelings of aggression and madness are still very present, and he hasn't let the rasetsu appearance subside even in light of taking down one of his targets. maybe that's because he's not done yet. he still lusts for blood, but only to spill it... not to actually consume it. sure, that could change as the blood soaked air continues to permeate his nostrils, but for now? well, that's not the case at all.]
So... [the scariest part about this unhinged, pulse-addled side of him is the fact that he's not completely insane. he's still coherent on some level, even if he doesn't want to make the effort to really display it. he turns around on his heels to look at hijikata, sword still firmly in his grip and a crooked smile still playing at his lips.
even if he sees desperation and despair, even if he hears it. he doesn't care. if anything, seeing kondou's sword in his hand makes him want to fight even more. he can claim it as his victory for eliminating the biggest problem.] Hijikata-san wants to play, too.
[for a moment, he laughs, but his expression soon sours into something very serious—and very deadly.]
no subject
Right now? He's angry at this place. And it takes a lot of willpower to not react to Souji's flippancy of what's just been done, but it's not anything Hijikata's not had to suck up and do before, either.
The word 'play' almost goes unrealized in terms of context, but his gaze falls to Souji's lantern. His expression changes then, the despair tucking itself away back into the shadows for a facade of cold acceptance of the circumstances. And, so, Souji's short laugh is met with absolute silence, Hijikata's brow furrowing as his expression momentarily reads that of disgust.
He's going to do something far worse to the persons responsible for what's happened here, what's happening now, and what's ultimately going to happen. Even if he has to tear this place apart with his bare hands brick by boring brick he'll find them. ]
...Yeah. [ he shifts back, boots sliding across the concrete and cement as he readies himself and brings the sword up to position. ]
I'll play with you, just don't bitch and complain when it doesn't go your way. [ Hijikata will be sure of that; not because he's more skilled (far from it, even) but because it's the only option he has to protect the stupid kid from himself and spare anyone else the possibility of finding Souji's blade through their chest. ]
Game on, then.
[ ( and when he does find them, he'll give them a retaliation that will make death pale in comparison. ) ]
no subject
the crooked grin is still playing at his lips, and more so than he was with saitou, he's actually excited for this. sure, he still wants to cut hijikata down because that would be the most fun. and he sure as hell wants to be the one victoriously holding onto kondou's sword.
because honestly? to him, it's totally unfair that hijikata has it at all to start. that latent envy—no, jealousy—he has when it comes to the way kondou treats hijikata can arouse some pretty vicious feelings in him, especially with the pulse coursing through his veins to intensify it. he may not be anywhere near in his right mind right now, given the fact that souji had been pretty ruthless in taking saitou down—but he has enough of his marbles in there somewhere.
though maybe the fact that he was able to take saitou down is enough to make him a little less cautious. he finds saitou to be more of a formidable foe, after all, and to him, that means he doesn't have to be as on guard with hijikata. that's a mistake too though, considering he isn't at his most tactical or finessed, and he has been tired out a little by being in that form for as long as he has. it's been at least a half hour by this point and that's draining enough. maybe that's why even if he doesn't take it as seriously as he probably should...
well, his expression is darkening. the smirk fades to show that certain brand of disdain reserved for his sentiments towards hijikata on any bad day, and there's a deadly spark in his eyes to match his positioning. he takes his signature stance, but before doing anything else, he speaks again.]
You never play with me anymore. What makes you think it won't go my way? [it's almost impressive how coherent he is. with the others, it wasn't so needed. he just wanted to kill, he wanted to fight and souji didn't need to say much to that. but with more sour feelings dredging to the surface just from seeing hijikata, he suddenly has a lot of bitter words to spout before he lunges forward with a thrust.]
no subject
hijikata isn't sure which is the more dangerous weapon here, souji's words or his blade. ]
I know; I've found myself long under the assumption you haven't wanted anything to do with me in a long time, nevermind play.
[ he parries the thrust, although for now he just makes an attempt to defend, not quite ready to really turn this into an actual attack session. hijikata's been through this in these places before and he knows souji has, too, even if they haven't really conversed since either of their arrivals ( and there's been a lot of reasons for that, but suddenly hearing those virulent and toxic words makes hijikata wonder why he was doing it in the first place—because he didn't want to deal with going backwards in their relationship from what little progress he'd made with the other in Zelien?
It's funny, isn't it... it sounds really stupid and pathetic now in hindsight without any sense adhered to it at all.
He doesn't have anyone to blame for the relationship deterioration than himself. And at the beginning of this whole Cerealia thing, he thought he had been done with it—all of it, all of them because there was so much left undone that he'd failed to do for all of them and he was tired of rehashing the same things out over and over and never getting anywhere.
He was tired of the cyclical hatred from Souji and having the one time they actually made some sort of crack in the seemingly massive and infinite wall between them, be rendered pointless. Back then, he'd questioned if he'd made the wrong choice, in the end, by backing off and letting San'nan oversee Souji. True, Hijikata can see where his overprotective nature hindered things, where he couldn't really express care or concern and so he expressed it as feeling Souji to be immature and not capable of the responsibilities necessary to stay in Kyoto. When he arrived in Cerealia, he didn't want to question such things again. Testing 'what ifs' apparently led to nothing in the end and how things went, mistakes or not, were how they were made to go.
He finds himself frustrated, now, dissatisfied with his handling of Souji, as he always is. The truth is, he can't really 'respect' the other by letting him go when push comes to shove. And he's sorry, he really is, because he'd like nothing more than to be able to relay things differently, he's apparently incapable of communicating with one of the most important and vital parts to his family. It'd be nice not to be hated, to be able to come to pass, but there's a lot that needs to be covered before ever jumping that bridge and he's sure it'll never happen, if only because he lacks the ability to somehow just fucking communicate with the other.
(but, he promised.) ]
Pretty sure how you want to play with me isn't exactly how I'd like think you mean it, though... [ that's said mostly to himself, before he speaks up louder, tilting his blade slightly, hesitating still in actually going through on this. it's a hell of a lot easier to tell yourself you're going to do what you need to do than actually convince and force yourself to actually move and perform it.
this is such hell. ]
...But, tell me what the hell you think you're swinging that sword of yours right now for and I'll tell you why it won't.
no subject
but it's only going to serve to fuel the fire.
did hijikata really think that way? of course, it raises the question of what happened in zelien that could have changed things so much, because their differing memories had already caused enough rifts in the group. not sharing the same jamjar memories as all of the people important to him was enough to put a strange, invisible and impenetrable wall between himself and everyone else. though it's rarely mentioned, and often just ignored for the sake of circumstance, there's an elephant in the room every time that just slowly grates on souji, pulling at his sanity and his ability to press on like there's no issue.
sure, souji had always instigated fights with souji. and sure, he was always incredibly jealous of the bond he shared with kondou, because it made him feel a lot more insignificant in the bigger scheme of things. but for all the bickering, teasing, and downright asshattery that he flung in hijikata's direction, it's not like he really harbored any semblance of hatred. annoyance and bitterness, but he was still like family for souji (as hard-pressed as he would be to admit that aloud), so the notion of not wanting to have anything to do with hijikata is just absurd.
couple that with the fact that souji isn't entirely in his right mind right now, and it just proves itself to be a recipe for disaster.]
What don't you just say it truthfully, Hijikata-san?
[because those words hurt, he's electing to slam it back in spades. his words drip with hurt and bitterness, and the red glow of his eyes pierces, staring hijikata down. he doesn't make any attempt to fight back with his sword yet. he came here for a fight, but that doesn't mean souji doesn't know how to goad beforehand.
he isn't pulling back, but he just doesn't press forward, either. instead, his hands grip so tightly at the hilt that his knuckles turn white, and he's sneering as he finishes his thought, not even bothering to answer hijikata's question.] I'm enough trouble that it'd be easier to kill me and get me out of the way, right? Then you don't have to worry about what I do next. Or if you have to play with me.
[of course, souji's not actually planning on letting hijikata kill him so easily, not when he has such a bitter urge to plunge his sword right through the vice-commander, but he baits in anyway.]
no subject
those words jab at him like needles, even knowingly going into this expecting to deal with some of this sort of thing. He knows the other isn't all there, he knows—so why is it so hard to ignore it when he says shit like that? (Because, what if Souji really thinks that, how can he really think such a goddamn—) ]
—Don't. [ his words are hissed in warning and partially defensive. Why so much irritation seems to swell inside of him over such an accusation in this instance when Hijikata's put up with random shit Souji's said in the past. It's not the first time he's claimed knowledge over Hijikata's thought process. ]
You're making this into something it isn't. [ or, at least, something Hijikata doesn't want it to be. Because he doesn't need to have this wrecking ball of a conversation (seems like their only version of a heart-to-heart they've managed thus far in any and every circumstance) with the other with swords pointed at one another and when Souji's not all there. It's bad he's already enough there to make this more difficult than it has to be, but Hijikata isn't going to feign hope of reconcile at a time like this).
But, for all the warning in his tone, he doesn't know what else to say (maybe he's just afraid to touch on such things) so he attempts to deflect it by pretending to let it sail by as unimportant enough to keep on topic. ]
You're not thinking straight; I think you know, but do you understand what is going on right now, Souji?!
[ what you did. what you're doing. what you're about to do.
...or is the only thing in all of this that's crystal clear really just what Hijikata is going to do to him and clarity if the rest is far too much wishful thinking?
(But he'll always hope for reconcile, but he goes day by day wondering if it's ever possible and simply tell himself there's always tomorrow—even when the fact is that their tomorrows together past a place like this have long since ceased arriving.) ]
no subject
[despite all the anger and bitterness that drips from his tone, there's still something so barely there, so unhinged about his words that it's clear: there's a major disconnect in what's happening right now.
souji is functionally aware of he situation; he knows what he did to saitou, and he knows what he wants to do to hijikata. he knows that hijikata will try to stop it, and he knows that someone else has to die for it.
but what's missing is any sense of morality for the situation. he doesn't seem to care that saitou's lying lifeless at their feet, despite the fact that it's completely abnormal. he doesn't really seem to care about his own life either, or what hijikata thinks. he just wants to feel his blade piercing someone; he doesn't even really seem to care if he actually wins with the game, considering he didn't bother with saitou's lantern.
this is about bloodshed. it's not nearly as coherent as it could be. the moments of clear coherency have nothing to do with the ethics of the situation—they're hinged entirely on the personal feelings that fuel his desire to draw his sword.
it doesn't really change much. he's tired of talking. once again he's raising his sword, preparing a signature thrust as he utters words with a cold chill.]
...And I'm playing to win.
no subject
He steps in, using his own blade to swing down on Souji's as the thrust is executed, parrying it, but make no mistake does he think he really has much chance or time once Souji's down to business. But, bringing out his rasetsu form is like admitting to himself that he really has to try and put Souji down because—
—he has to if he can't reason and with the other being far superior in skill hoping to hold out until the effects end isn't going to happen, either. ]
Just don't you dare fucking thank me for this when it's all over. [ his voice is cold but not apathetic. In fact, there's more emotion there than can be counted but to try and decipher it, especially in Souji's state would be impossible. Anger towards the other would probably be the most likely interpretation, unless he's coherent enough to read Hijikata enough as he normally would. But, even then, it's some messy convoluted shitpile nobody's going to find worth trying to sift through.
Sliding his blade off of Souji's he rounds it up to slash out, not quite ready to be doing any attempts at an impaling thrust until he can manage to find an opening for it. (And during that wait, hope beyond hope he somehow won't have to do it at all). ]
no subject
[or is he? the truth is that he hasn't really thought about it much. that's an afterthought, though it sure would be a hell of a lot easier to take two lanterns in one go. it's not as if hijikata had really given him time to actually do anything about it anyway.
not that it really matters right now. even hijikata's words are little more than a wasted effort at this point. souji wants to go in for the kill and take out every murderous feeling that courses through his body out on hijikata. it's not really all that surprising that the attack gets parried but there is one surprising factor in all of this.
seeing hijikata break out his rasetsu form is a surprise. and not just because he did it, but even in this state, souji knows he's never seen this. he had absolutely no idea that hijikata had drank the ochimizu—it's enough for him to jump back a little.
it's also enough for hijikata's slash to connect, leaving a deep gash in his arm.]
Hijikata-san, too... [there's a bitterness that continues to coat his voice. in the back of his mind, somewhere that isn't overruled by the pulse, there's a certain level of panic that sets in. it's not out of fear, but out of concern. when did this happen? what had driven hijikata, of all people, to succumb to this? why didn't he know about it? was anyone else a rasetsu now that he's unaware of?
but that all remains unseen on the surface. on the surface is someone who is bitter and vindictive, but beginning to falter. the gash in his arm closes itself up quickly, but as the pulse begins to wear down, he's tiring out. he can't move as quickly, and there's a certain level of fatigue that's setting in. it's probably more obvious to see outwardly than souji would like, especially in the way he grips at his sword so tightly that it looks like he can snap it. the progressing moments and making them shake, unsteady and unable to move with the same strength and finesse he may normally use.
and that's especially dangerous, when the playing field has been leveled by their rasetsu forms. he's still trying to fight though, stubbornly not giving in, even though he's leaving a number of much sloppier opening for hijikata to strike him down with. subconsciously, he knows that too, but he still refuses to surrender.
it's a matter of pride, after all.]
no subject
For all Hijikata wants to stop Souji, there is definite conflict in his actions when Souji's reaction seems slightly out of place and the next thing he knows his weapon has cut into and left blood that somehow manages always to be such a stark contrast to him seeing it on Souji. The colorings of a rasetsu make that even moreso but the real unsettling issue is the blood is his own.
(He's long since come to hate blood splattered on this person that belongs to him even more than from others. It just reminds him of everyday Souji got worse and never recovered. And losing him so soon after Kondou had just been—)
But Hijikata can't stand down with Souji acting this way and still putting a fight up. The fact he's wearing down is like some mocking false hope when all it resorts to is the fact that he may have a lot of openings but nothing he can see that can incapacitate the younger man instead of kill him.
And it's getting to him, and the linger it goes on, the more hopeless it becomes. ]
Goddamn stubborn—don't fucking make me do this, Souji! [ is he too soft to be letting this affect him, knowing Souji and his pride are ultimately at the core of this refusal? Yeah, probably, but how the hell is he supposed to be fine with taking out the last one of his family he has?
Yes, the others are like family, but Kondou and Souju have and will always be different and special and precious in ways he can even begin to properly express. The thing is, that all his heightened emotions along with the fact that he's not completely void of pulse influence himself makes for a bad combo. The emotional distress only metabolizes the drug faster and makes his movements just that more intense, although it's clear he does seem to avoid taking opportunity with an opening.
That'll have to end eventually, Souji's still his responsibility and as much as he'd give his life for the other... he can't be selfish and leave even a weakening and frayed unstable Souji to wander across anyone else. For the sake of that person and for Souji himself, he can't.
But it doesn't mean he's happy about it and when he finally comes to the point he sees one of those openings and he's felt he's run out of options... ]
You really are more than enough trouble to last me beyond a lifetime. [ his words are strangely bitter after their swords clash for the nth time, but, in order to take the chance for an opportune counter he lets Souji's blade through his own defense. It's just his left arm, though, and that pain burns far less than the acidic furnace building in his chest as he jerks his sword back enough in the half-second or two gained by taking the hit in order to thrust it forward into's Souji's chest. And his voice cracks, and is much quieter, the volume just unwilling to come now and hell he's not even sure anymore if he's still trying to talk to the Shinsengumi captain or just himself. ]
...But the only thing easy is knowing killing you is the hardest thing I've ever done. [ and he's sure, when push comes to shove, the world will be hardpressed to make anything to come even harder than this.
( It's like reliving failing to save Souji from his illness, losing him to an enemy he can't win against no matter how badly he wants to or how long and skilled he swings a sword.
It's exactly like that.
All fucking over again. ) ]
no subject
there's a certain knowing that comes with that. it's one that means souji realizes his end is near; as much as he wants to fight back and plunge that sword through hijikata for the second victory of the night, he also knows how much energy that'll take from him. he can feel his movements getting more sluggish—everything starts to feel like it's moving in slow motion, a haze fogging over his eyes and making his vision a little more unsteady. and though he holds his ground well, though his feet remain firmly planted with all of his will, he's unable to do much else.
so really, there's no way for him to avoid hijikata's return blow. he sees it coming, and he doesn't falter. as much as there is still a deep sense of bitterness that emanates from him, and as much as he wanted these roles to be reversed... if someone had to be the one to take him out, it was better that it was hijikata. even in this state, there's a flash of his memories of haven that passes through, a bitter memory of mitsunari catching him in his rasetsu form, and the vow he'd asked mitsunari to keep if he'd ever lost his mind. yeah, it was definitely better this way. definitely better it was hijikata with the full understanding of just how fucked up it all was to be the one to put an end to his life.
it's not like it's really the end, anyway. that's not how it works in these places, not where death is some arbitrary existence that has no permanence. life and death have lost their meaning in this state, and though his more rational side would see full well that it still has plenty of lasting effects on them if nothing more than through physical scars and psychological trauma, he's still not quite there. he's still unhinged enough that he can only see the parts instead of the whole
and that's why he lets out a weak and pained laugh even as the sword plunges straight through his chest. it hurts. it's an unfathomable amount of pain.]
Really... the hardest... [his words come out in a weak and breathless hiss. it takes a lot to muster up the strength to even say that much one he's been run through. it's the last of his consciousness and his will power. it's a last bit of defiance and bitterness as the world begins to blur and fade. his body begins to slump, strength leaving him as the white flickers away and fades back to its normal shades.
if he has to die, it's better this way. somehow, it hurts his pride a lot less, even if that means hurting hijikata a whole hell of a lot more. but maybe somehow, souji knows that he'll have to pay that forward to hijikata one day, in a place like this one where everything's a mess and the deaths "don't matter."]