estoria | ( closed ) tequila is always a mistake;

Entry tags:

( closed ) tequila is always a mistake;

Who: Yuri (

thatdamnknight)
When: IC 3/16, morning.
Where: The jungle.
What: Dealing with the aftermath of pre-jungle nonsense like totally mature, responsible adults.
Rating/Warning: S for "stupid as hell"

[finally.

as if waking up a total wreck after that night of drinking hadn't been bad enough, right? yuri may have gotten the better deal of the two, but it wasn't really all that good. but then couple that with getting dropped in the jungle mid-recovery and flynn's tendency to have to run ahead and be a white knight, and now more than 24 hours have passed and they've barely spoken a word to each other.

not that yuri has much reason to thing it'd go poorly after the way flynn reacted to their late-night endeavor the previous morning, it's all but out of his mind already. things are fine, right? they both accepted what happened and they'd just move on. minimal yelling from flynn and even less pearl-clutching isn't something he'd about to take for granted, after all. let the topic drop; weird as his reaction had been... it's just better that way.]

Ugh... [still, waking up after sleeping on the ground in a vast jungle isn't the follow-up he wanted. he sits up, running a hand through his tangled, disheveled hair, and looks around. he's definitely groggy, but it's not like there will be any coffee to help with that.] I remember the part I don't miss about leaving cities. What I wouldn't do for an inn right now...

[it doesn't matter whether or not flynn is awake or listening, since repede is lounging beside him. that's good enough, even if the pooch doesn't care—he doesn't get those luxuries even at inns most of the time, after all.]

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[sobriety. blessed sobriety. no drunkenness, no hangover, no nothing. simply divine.

it was the most magnificent feeling to wake up to after the hellishness of the day prior. the jungle adventure of day one ended with him passing out at some point at time. naturally, sleep came only after finding yuri and impulsively hugging him courtesy of whatever phenomenon influenced that. the cherry on top of the bad day cake, truly. by the time morning rolled around, everything felt back to normal. flynn even awoke at the usual ungodly hour, being momentarily uncertain of the surroundings.

within moments, however, the events of the other day were recalled and flynn's good mood quickly evolved into a bad one. the more he recalled, the more the urge to strangle yuri in his sleep rose up. getting egged on to drink more and getting drunk to the point of utter intoxication (which by some goddamn miracle didn't result in alcohol poisoning) and then dealing with the hangover to end all hangovers, one which would have resulted in missed work if not magically transported to a jungle effectively killed the ability to go to work: all of this happened because of that idiot's sudden desire to drink. then again, the idiot who indulged it was flynn himself. he let it happen and... he let all else associated with it happen.

rather than dwell on his own blame, blame fully accepted by flynn, he focuses on making certain the other half of the blame for all this full well knows that they ARE to blame. by the time yuri wakes up, flynn stands a distance away and leers down at him unhappily. how long has he been awake? a while. he actually scouted out the surrounding area and only just returned when yuri began to stir. perfect timing.]

And what I wouldn't do for you to actually think for once in your life.

[what time is, kids? why, it's the flynn scifo happy time lecture hour!! today's special recurring guest star: yuri lowell.]

—Huh?

[yuri's immediate reaction is a barely coherent one, of course.

it doesn't take very long to realize that there are a pair of blue eyes staring at him with the intensity of a couple of thousand white hot suns; okay. so... flynn is pissed. and why? no, really. why. it's something that completely eludes him this groggy state, if only because he was sure they'd already settled this matter the day before.

before even trying to further process this, he lets out a loud, open-mouthed yawn as he idly runs fingers through the strands of hair—and proceeds to find them getting stuck in more than one place. he usually managed to keep his hair relatively tangle-free, even when traveling... but when traveling, he still had things like combs and brushes to maintain his locks without issue. this? ugh, this is going to be a royal pain in the ass. not enough to want to cut his hair off, but still an annoyance. and while he struggles with this, he finally looks over to flynn's stern expression, arching a brow.]

What are you so pissy about now? I haven't even been awake long enough to do anything that gets your goat.

[that choice of wording rubs flynn about the worst way possible. HIM being pissy? and not even realizing why? yuri bloody well knows why! and it's a GOOD reason to be pissy. or is he really that moronic to not realize how utterly dumb the excessive drinking was?

oh yes, the leer definitely intensifies. his gaze briefly trails over to the other jungle, namely yuri's hair. that... looks bad. days like today make having short hair a true and utter blessing. mad as flynn is, he knows that yuri managing that by himself is unlikely. annoyance at stupid antics doesn't mean ignoring the fact that his best friend likely needs a hand to deal with that. this is why he starts walking over to the other man while beginning this little responsibility tirade.]

What I'm pissy about is how stupidly irresponsible you're capable of being. How the hell did you think what happened the other night was acceptable?! [he plops his bum down behind yuri and gets a solid look at what he has to deal with here. the jungle really has it out for his hair.] When I said ONE drink, I expected you to respect that, not to egg me on as though my being sensible was some horrible offense!

[now come here and let him assist with this mess of a hair disaster. he reaches out and starts to untangle some of the less accessible spots, doing so with a surprising gentleness that contrasts heavily with his current level of anger.]

...We're back to this? I thought we'd gotten past it already.

[yuri sounds utterly annoyed at this being the first thing he has to hear waking up today. yesterday? sure. yesterday is when he'd expected to get this lecture. he'd already denied himself sleep and spent enough of the day mulling over what had happened. shouldn't this lecture have happened twenty-four hours ago, hangover or not?]

I wasn't planning for two or three to turn into... however many we ended up having. [he retorts with a sigh. that's the honest truth. he'd wanted flynn to have a little fun and loosen up, not drink himself into bad decisions and a terrible hangover. yuri doesn't really feel good about that part either. he just wants to be over this whole ordeal, he just wants to put it behind them.

but despite the fact that they're having an argument before yuri's even awake enough to properly explain anything, he's a bit grateful for the fact that flynn comes over to help with his hair. it's bad; it's a mess, worse so than it is on most mornings. maybe it's the jungle humidity—even if he doesn't feel it in his breathing thanks to his air affinity, his hair doesn't seem to be exempt. he'll be taking the time to run through the easier parts to reach; his bangs and other front portions, primarily.]

You really think my plan was to get you blackout drunk? Geez, the Flynn I grew up with could throw back a couple and still be sensible. You know, have fun once in a while and let go for a couple of hours? [the more he thinks about flynn's lecturing, the more it annoys him. yes, some things got out of control. but he'd been trying to take responsibility this whole time and felt bad about how out of control it got. is that really worthy of being scolded like he's a child?

he's already a criminal, he doesn't need to be treated like a kid bullying other kids on the playground, too.]

[of course flynn comes to help. angry he might be, but that doesn't mean ignoring a friend in need. with hair THIS messed up, the need very much exists and he's not enough of an asshole to let anger, justified or not, force yuri to deal with this disaster alone.

kindness doesn't mean he lets up on the yelling or lecturing. if anything, it ends with him near shouting almost directly in yuri's ear. considerate a friend he is, he can be stupidly inconsiderate at the same time.]

We are back to it because haven't gotten to it!

[how could he possibly have assumed they were!! muttering stuff, stupid and embarrassing stuff, while dealing with a hangover does not count AT ALL as talking it out. they will talk this out and will do so now. yuri may have been a savior come morning, but the reason that it even happened to begin with was thanks to yuri in the first place. flynn needs to make it clear as day that this sort of dumbass crap cannot happen.

and maybe convince himself, as well. the anger might be displaced a decent amount at yuri to avoid admitting that maybe he himself wanted to have that dumb drunken night and indulged the desire. he... he's supposed to be commanding an entire army upon return home. being human, well, it can't be allowed. a heavy, if very irked sigh leaves him while carefully threading through yuri's hair.]

I made it EXPLICITLY clear that it wasn't supposed to even turn into two, but you disregarded it entirely. You may not give much of a damn about things like responsibility or self control, but I do.

[he needs to show constant control and be an ideal. last night, getting wasted like that can simply not happen again. maybe it was enjoyable, but that doesn't matter. yes, it sucks so hard to have to become something so perfect, but it's his responsibility. he's fine with it. really. the fact that he's yelling at yuri about something that is equally both their fault means nothing.]

[it's not like yuri isn't aware that some of this anger is being misplaced—and he also knows that this is very explicitly flynn doing that thing he does, where he plays the righteous knight who can do no wrong while yuri is the criminal, the bad guy, and the enabler.

hasn't this happened before?

oh, yeah. the last time this happened, he wound up having to fight alexei at zaude and then promptly got stabbed by flynn's second and command. cool fuckin' story, right?

except that it's not, and the knowing that all this is happening because flynn doesn't want to admit any part in his share of the blame (when yuri has had no problem thus far admitting that he never meant for things to be that bad) just really gets under yuri's skin. there aren't many people who can do that, especially not at this level, but flynn is doing it. his jaw clenches, head tilting to the side from the way flynn's voice is loudly hitting his ear drums right now. even repede's ears seem to move from how loud it is—and really, the pooch wants nothing to do with this argument, so he'll be getting up to go snoop around and mark his territory on the area they're currently occupying.

yuri, on the other hand, is not going to take this sitting down. figuratively speaking, of course, since he's not about to physically stand while his hair is being detangled.]

Oh, right. Because I physically forced your mouth open and poured the tequila down your throat. I must have forgotten that part. I think I must have forgotten the part where you're supposed to be responsible for your own damn self-control, too. [for someone who gives so much!! of a damn!! about self-control!! flynn sure did a bad job at refusing yuri's goading, after all. instead of staunchly disagreeing, leaving the room, or anything else he could have done to not have more than one drink, he stuck around and not only gave in, but pushed himself to the limit. like hell yuri's going to take the blame for all that.]

[flynn grits his teeth. the tequila wasn't forced down his throat. it's a point he knows. it's also a point he's not entirely willing to concede right now. maybe it is that urge to be as perfect as perfect can be that causes it. admitting to it would be admitting to screwing up AGAIN. though on a smaller, if less harmful scale, a screw up still remains a screw up.

and yuri hit the nail on the head with it. of course he would. yuri does every time and never holds back. dammit. flynn's willing to take the blame for taking the shots, but not for losing his self control all on his own. had it not been for those words then none of this would've happened!! part of him knows that isn't true. those words helped, but weren't the sole reason. whether it be what yuri says rubbing him far too wrong or sheer stubbornness to not give in to this argument already or maybe denial of very real imperfections, the other and possibly more influential reason remains outside acknowledgement.

his voice gains a definite edge to it in addition to the already present anger. none of that perfect knight persona remains right now. sure, the lecture itself consists entirely of showing proper behavior and the like, but the way it's spoken, the language used, blends both the prim, proper knight and the lowly, common pauper.]

My own self control is not the point here. The point is that you never stop to consider how your own actions impact those around you! Maybe you didn't force the tequila down my throat, but you goading me into it didn't damn well help! Did it ever occur to you that coercion can still lead people to do things they otherwise might not? Of course not, because...

[and he goes right on ranting while making decent progress with the hair and without any painful tugging. the rant itself doesn't hit below the belt, but it encompasses a lot of the stuff usually included in lectures. however annoying repeating everything is, it will keep going until yuri gets some of it through his thick skull.]

If that's the point you're trying to make, you're doing a damn poor job.

[yuri is practically glowering at this point. flynn really can bring out the worst in him at times, but more so right now, flynn's bringing out the worst in himself.]

Instead of admitting that you're partly responsible for what happened, you want to shift the blame onto me. I get it, Flynn. You have to be a textbook perfect white knight, with no flaws. Because being the Commandant means you have to be damn-near invincible. And you know I'll take the fall for you when it counts, but I think you're really pushing it right now.

[his tone is growing increasingly dark, anger dripping from it in a way that is not usually heard by most from yuri. but he can't stand this. he can't stand this attitude, it's holier-than-thou bullshit that makes flynn really seem like he's forgotten his roots. even if his wording shows some of that lack of refinement, it doesn't change the fact that it puts yuri as "below" flynn in his eyes; that he's just a freeloading criminal and a constant part of the "problem" the knights have to solve.]

You could have walked away at any time, no matter what I said or did. You could have just punched me in the face, or drawn swords if you were so against it. But you didn't. I may have started it, but you're the one who finished it, so take your damn share of the blame and stop acting like you're above it!

[or "above me," which is the implication that lies in his words, but yuri would never, ever speak that aloud.]

[what... above it... above yuri? flynn practically growls at that implication. how dare he even joke... who was it that did everything? who was it that helped estellise see the world outside the castle? who was it that helped saved halure? who saved ioder? who rescued estellise? who accepted raven? judith? patty? who saved the world? it was all yuri.

what, pray tell, can be said of flynn? he failed in saving halure. he couldn't do anything about the weather blastia. he let innocents suffer at the hands of ragou and again with cumore. he let yuri taint his hands with blood. he let estellise be kidnapped. he failed in noticing who raven really was. he failed in seeing alexei's intentions. he failed to save his best friend from falling off zaude despite being FEET away. all flynn's life has been is constant, stupid failure. yes, he's commandant and has a nice, shiny rank but so what? so what when he can't manage to do anything right, anything without yuri almost holding his hand. the one above someone here isn't flynn. how dare he...

the icy tone in his voice would send chills up most people's spine. it's been a long time since yuri's manage to piss him off to this degree. he'd forgotten how much he hates it.]

No. You don't know. You quit the knights so what would you know?

[more than flynn's willing to admit, actually. his rage, however, has reached a boiling point and that makes any chance of saying as much go out the window. if he were calmer, then maybe this chat would have gone nicer, maybe he would have asked why yuri got that idea in his head to begin with, maybe they'd already be en route to joking about something stupid and nonsensical. instead, the iciness quickly evolves into a fiery anger and explodes.]

I have never claimed to be above you because I'm not! I offered to join your guild, remember? You were the one who said knights and guilds don't go together, not me. My standards, the standards I am expected to be at because it's my goddamn duty, are nothing like yours, but adhering to them has never made me better than anyone else, you included! Maybe some of this was my fault, but don't assume you know what I feel!!

You think I don't know because I quit? It's because I quit that I know, you dumbass!

[he knows. he knows all too well what is expected of the knights, from the bottom ranks all the way to the top. he also knows that flynn lives his life trying to avoid failure. he knows these things, and that's why yuri does everything he can on his end to try and make sure that flynn doesn't fail.

the things flynn blames himself for, the things yuri doesn't realize, are all things he can't see as failures, because they were just unavoidable circumstances. many of those were things yuri had to take into his own hands and handle in all the wrong ways just to get it done. he did things so that flynn wouldn't have to. he did things so that flynn wouldn't get blood on his hands. he did things so that he could see flynn rise up, even if it was at the cost of his own reputation, because someone needed to do those things.

he said the knights and guilds don't go together, but it wasn't as if this was yuri's creed. the knights and guilds had their own swath of issues and while they did need to work together for a common cause, a knight couldn't just join a guild. yuri isn't stupid, he knows that flynn's reliability and trustworthiness would have been called into question. even raven wasn't so stupid and reckless—he had an alter-ego for a reason, and part of that reason had to do with those rifts.]

Your standard, that you can't lower even when it's just us. It's never like it used to be when you think about nothing but your goddamn duty.

[that's the part that pisses yuri off the most, and that's why as flynn's words go on, he finds himself more and more unable to hold back. he's quick to pull away before flynn can reply (regardless of the fact that flynn's still working on his hair, he'll deal with the pain of that tug), turning to look him right in the eyes. there is fury in yuri's expression, a fire lit in him that only flynn's condescension can bring.

can't he see that by always bringing up his duties and responsibilities, and then constantly nagging yuri about his habits and his 'irresponsibility' that he's the one drawing the line in the sand? it's the exact reason why yuri fully knows and believes that one day, they can't even associate as friends anymore. because yuri is a criminal, and flynn is there to uphold the law.

yuri can live with that, but he can't stand the feeling of being belittled—and by flynn of all people. so his hand curls into a fist, and before he says anything else, it's flying directly into flynn's jaw. nothing pulled back, all of his rage as been channeled into that punch because someone needs to knock some sense into him.]

If you don't want me to make assumptions, then act the way you mean! Don't go pulling this crap that I can't possibly know, or that I'm the one to blame for your problems! You act like you're above it all every damn time your compare your duties to mine.

I'm not even sure you could even begin to understand the shit I've gone through to make sure you could get where you are right now. [it's almost scarier when yuri goes from an angry yell to that deeply angered seethe. flynn's not the one who committed the act of taking lives because nobody in the knights could step up. flynn's not the one who has to live with the weight of those taken lives on his shoulder. flynn's not the one who would have have to run his sword through estelle's chest if things went wrong with alexei. and flynn's not the one who got got deservedly attacked for the things he did, and for deigning to be in the presence of such a great man. no, that was all yuri, so he doesn't want to hear it from flynn that he doesn't understand.]

Edited (how do i spell words right at 2am idk) 2015-10-09 06:00 (UTC)

[the hair slipping from his fingers barely registers since yuri's angered gaze meets his own quickly enough. a brief surprise comes at how fierce the expression on his friend's face is. for a moment, considering backing down comes, but never has a chance to manifest itself into an action.

the reason for that is the sudden, unavoidable punch coming right at his jaw. a full force collision leads to flynn flying toward the ground and ending sprawled out on it. the perk of sitting means not flying far, at least, even if it doesn't make it any less painful. he gives a groan before slowly propping himself up. a small, very small part of him begins to agree with some of those points. any full agreement stops within seconds because, right as he reaches up to touch his throbbing jaw, is when yuri speaks the last part. flynn freezes mid-reach.]

...I can't begin to understand the shit you've been through?

[he says that with the most incredulous, cold tone. no. no way in hell. maybe his reaction to the drinking was overboard and maybe some of what was just said holds truth to it, but there is no way in hell yuri will be allowed to slide with that comment. so many of them have suffered because of the shit yuri's done. all the deeds done in the name of good that branded the man a criminal: everyone one of them suffered.

another gritting of teeth comes, the rage burning far more furiously than before. flynn sits up, back toward yuri, with an eerie calmness. nothing happens for a few seconds. ...then, without any warning, he spins around and sends a solid, no holding back punch right back at the idiot sitting across from him. he hopes that fucking hurt, you goddamn moron.]

Do you have any idea how it feels like to deal with the shit you go through!? Do you have any idea how it felt to watch you murder Cumore in cold blood!? Do you know how much it hurt to consider turning my own sword against the person I care about most?! Do you really think I enjoy worrying about whether or not today will be the day that I see you hang for your crimes!? And do you ever stop to think how your actions hurt not only me but everyone else who gives a damn about you!? Estellise, Karol and all of us, we mourned you after Zaude so don't you dare tell me that what you doesn't impact every single one of us.

[they all cried. flynn cried. it hurt so much when his mom died, but it hurt even more when yuri was lost. the loss of the person dearest to him, the possibility of never even seeing a body for closure, hurt like nothing else.]

And I fucking know that!! I damn well know all my accomplishments are yours AND I TRIED TO GIVE THEM TO YOU, YOU ASSHOLE! [a brief forgetting that yuri hadn't actually been offered that yet happened, but whatever. flynn's far too fired up to concern himself with what has or hasn't happened.] I know I can't seem to do a damn thing right without you there, but you never let me try to carry my own burden!! Have I really failed you to the degree you can't trust me to pull my own weight!? How can I not try to act perfect all the damn time when anything less than that means screwing up!?

[look at how badly this screw up is going! and this is just from a couple drinks. what if something a little bigger happens and then people actually die!! the reason he acts like he does is because there's only so many times he can stand to watch people suffer all because of him!]

[when flynn punches him, yuri doesn't move at first. no, the fist connecting with his face hits hard and fast, laying him out properly, but he doesn't move. he can already feel his lip starting to swell, and he can taste the blood in his mouth that comes along with it.

and while he remains that way, his fists are still clenched, and so is his jaw. hearing those words—hearing the accusations that he didn't consider the consequences of his actions, that he hurt people in the process, that other people had to suffer because of the things he'd done...]

If you took even a minute to think about the things that happened, then you'd know that I've thought about those things a lot. You damn well know I never wanted anyone else to be involved with the decisions I had to make. You damn well know that I did everything I could to keep Estelle, Karol, you and everyone else out of it. It was my burden to bear, and it wasn't one I wanted to share, even if it meant losing my own life for it.

[despite the bitter, deep anger that comes with his words, there is an air of hurt that lines some of the way he emphasizes what he says. it's faint, faint enough that most people would not catch it. His tone is dark and unforgiving, but there's no doubt that he hates the fact that the people that matter to him have had to suffer time and time again because of him.

some of those burdens were his doing. even zaude was a situation well-deserved. he shouldn't have lived then; when he fell, he absolutely should have perished. it was duke's selfish desire to regain dein nomos that cursed him and kept him alive, and forced his friends to mourn for no real reason. all of these things yuri knows, and they're things that weigh on him every day. there isn't a day he doesn't wake up and remember what he's done and who he's hurt, where he doesn't think about how he's probably going to die for it.

the frustration with flynn he has no is so embittered that he doesn't really consider everything that's being said—it won't be until later that he realizes what's being said here on the whole. he's fired up too.]

These are burdens you can't carry, Flynn! [he forces himself to sit up, which... is likely not going to be good for flynn in a moment.] You can't be perfect, and not being perfect doesn't mean you're screwing up. But you can't have these burdens. You couldn't then, and you can't now! If you're going to be the one to go to the top, you can't do the things I've had to do! And you'll never know what they feel like, so don't you dare try to pretend you or anyone else feels the weight of my decisions more than I do!

[he tone raises more at that last statement, and another punch is thrown at flynn's face. when the hell is he going to understand that he does these things because if flynn does them, then he'll be no better and not be any closer to fixing all the fuckups of the empire? he needs flynn to see and understand that he became the worse person so that flynn could be the better one. the world needs flynn at the helm, they need his attitude and his vision.

they don't need yuri, who kills men in cold blood in the dead of night while making sure they feel the fear they inflicted in others first.]

[flynn manages to dodge this time around and retaliates by launching himself at yuri's torso, effectively tackling him to the ground. within seconds, he has the other man in a half-assed pin and stares down at him with burning blue eyes. no move to punch or the like comes. for now.

the hurt behind some of those words doesn't get missed. subtle the tone might be, but they've known each other for over half their lives. catching small stuff like that? comes easy. all the subtle hurt does is cause the determination within in him to rise, the determination to get his own points across. wanting good for others sums up what yuri wants; where that falls short, however, is him not realizing what people want for him. so many people care for him. so many people want him to be happy. no one wants this life for him, the life of the vigilante that willing throws everything away.]

Bullshit. You may have had good intentions, but you never thought about us beyond what you assumed would be best for us. You made the choice to bear it alone even though none of us would have wanted that! [his angered expression becomes more pained, if briefly.] None of us want you to die. I don't want you to die, especially not bearing the things you believe I can't shoulder.

[it was bad enough believing yuri died at zaude as a results of flynn failing. yuri dying because he had to pull flynn's own weight for him... god, the mere thought of it hurts. picturing a noose tighten around his best friend's neck all for a crime done to help further the commandant's glory... his stomach twists at the mental image. he is NOT weak enough to allow that. after taking a deep breath, the intense expression returns full swing.]

You're right, I'll never know what your burdens feel like, but you'll never know how it feels like to watch someone so willingly damn themselves and think nothing of it. How can you say I haven't screwed up when you had to resort to what you've done to get me to where I am!? I need to be perfect to keep you from doing anything else you know you'll regret! I don't want you to have to bear any more of my burdens and watch you die for it!!

[perfection needs to happen. the alternative is imperfect and imperfect can lead to yuri picking up more and more of his burdens. it'd be another horrid screw up. the others already hang so heavily over flynn's head and another would even more so. maybe the sword won't be in his hand if another murder occurs but it might as well be. his imperfections are what will lead to it happening. if it means giving up everything, giving up having fun and being human and, hell, working himself to death, then it's fine. no one else needs to suffer because of some idiot knight's shortcomings, not yuri, not anyone.]

Edited (forgot a snippet!) 2015-10-09 08:17 (UTC)

They're not your screw-ups, that's why.

[he doesn't make an attempt to move from flynn's grip, but his tone of voice shows that he's no less angry than he's been since they've started fighting like this. he's back to a glower, rather than the yelling, but maybe that's because flynn's words have hit home hard.

after all, he's not wrong about some of these things, hard-pressed as he may be to admit it. being so accustomed to only thinking about what he needed to do for himself gave yuri pretty bad perspective on what other people want or need. and even though he cares deeply for all of his friends, he doesn't necessarily have the foresight to realize that what he feels is better (not burdening them with his dark choices), it doesn't mean that's actually the case. but even knowing that, even being forced to hear so harshly how much it really hurts them doesn't entirely change his mind.

if anything, it just meant that given the chance, he'd have been more careful to not get caught, so nobody else would have to bear any of it. he'd still rather suffer alone than make anyone else have to bear that weight. he can't take back the things he did, and he can't take back the fact that everyone knows it and has to live with it, either.

all the same, it doesn't change his reasons, either. and it doesn't change the fact that they're not things flynn should have to bear. "i can handle the dirty work. you go all the way to the top." it's the mentality he holds, because he can do the things flynn can't. he can be the criminal, he can take the fall, he can do the things a knight can't and shouldn't.

(and won't. and haven't.) he's doing what's just, regardless of what it means for his own fate. the fate of one man can't trump the fate of a whole empire. he can't let that happen.]

They're the Empire's screw-ups. [he'll finally say that after a moment, and that's also when yuri takes the opportunity to shove flynn off him. it's not as much force as his punch from earlier, just enough to get free so he can sit up. the state of his hair is long forgotten at this point, his fists pressing deeply against the ground before he continues.] This goes above you. This is the core of what the Empire does, and even with you at the helm of the Knights, what could you do? Do you think Cumore or Ragou would have stopped and listened to you? They were beyond saving, Flynn. Someone had to do these things, because you couldn't, especially not then.

[maybe now things will be different. but then, flynn didn't have nearly as much pull. he had to earn that. of course, part of that is because of the things yuri had done—but that's why he did them. why can't flynn just accept that? if he has to have a burden, let it be the knowing that yuri will willing to go that far for his best friend. yuri doesn't want the glory when he does good things, he just wants to see the world change so his friends and extended family don't have to suffer for the empire's greed anymore.] Get it through your head. I did those things not because you screwed up, but so that you couldn't screw up or get screwed over by how damn broken the system is.

As long as there's something you can't do, I'll make sure to be the one who makes sure it gets done. [which is yuri's way of saying that he doesn't regret what he did. he just regrets that other people got their feelings pulled into it when they should never have been part of it all.]

Edited (html!!!) 2015-10-09 16:31 (UTC)

[no resistance comes at getting pushed off but, unlike yuri, there's no sitting up that follows. instead, flynn lays out on his back and breaths heavily. a lot of the actual rage has by now dissolved into a more manageable anger. his fists clench at the last line. how... how can yuri possibly have arrived at the conclusion that this is the right thing to do?]

No. You don't have the right to make that choice for me.

[he will not let yuri make that call. never. not only is justice not something to just deal around at a whim like that, but flynn never asked for this. he never would.]

And the Empire's screw ups are my screw ups, more so now than ever. I am the face of the knights. Every mistake they make is a mistake I make. Maybe neither Cumore nor Ragou would have listened, but you had no right to determine their fate because of it. I said I'd stop you if I had to and I will.

[back then, back at mantiac, flynn was ready to draw his sword in order to stop yuri. it was the most painful moment and, had sodia not interrupted, who knows how that could have ended. were yuri to murder again then flynn would no choice but to, once again, turn a sword against him. he would. that's a part of his duty that will get followed no matter how painful it is, no matter how much he doesn't want to. what, then, remains the only option in order to not have to it?

easy: be the one to sacrifice everything. yuri won't have a chance to murder if flynn does everything perfect. hard work and slaving away to an extreme can lead to that. what is right and what is wrong remains so blurred at the present. the situation with ceres has definitely made it worse. no easier way to sidestep that exists than to make certain things lean toward being right himself. yuri made the judgment call that flynn needed to be helped in that way; now flynn plans on making the judgment to help yuri in this way.]

As long as you keep believing you're destined to be some damned lone wolf vigilante then I will do whatever it takes to prevent it. If it results in working myself to the bone or going off the edge over a couple drinks then so be it.

[if it means not being human then fine. flynn can bear that burden. it'll be a heavy one, one that he hates, but he can manage it. yuri's already carried so much, far too much, for him that returning the favor needs to happen. he swallows hard, his voice sounding far more pained, but no less anger upon speaking once more.]

I am not going to let you kill yourself, Yuri, and not because of my own weakness.

Now. It's like that now, but you couldn't say the same when those things happened with Ragou and Cumore. If I didn't stop them, what would have happened? Would more kids get locked up in dungeons to be eaten by monsters? Would more parents be forced away from their kids to starve and dehydrate in the desert? Their lives sure as hell aren't less important than the lives of a few nobles and high-ranking officials. I couldn't watch that happen, and I damn well couldn't wait for someone else to figure it out.

[yuri knows. yuri knows how badly things could have ended in mantaic. he knows things could have been worse, that flynn could have been the one to arrest him, or take his life completely if necessary.

it's obviously something he's wanted to avoid, but he'd never get in flynn's way to do his job either. if that was what it took, he'd fight flynn. and if lost, he'd accept it. there's no question in yuri's mind—he knows on ever level that the things he did weren't right from a moral standpoint. he knows that he shouldn't take the law into his own hands. these are things yuri knows and constantly struggles with. and maybe that's why he hates being called on it directly.

and maybe more so, that's why he hates that flynn refuses to understand him. it's why the anger doesn't leave his voice, though he's equal parts frustrated with himself as he is with flynn. this whole situation sucks; it always sucked, but this is the first time they've come to blows over things to this extent. it's too early for this, and now he already feels completely spent before even having his first meal of the day.]

We can't both be inhuman. [he says, a little more quietly as he turns his head away from flynn. his eyes fall shut; he's definitely still angry, but it's much more tempered than it was when fists were flying.] Working yourself to death will only hurt yourself and the Empire. It'll hurt the people if you kill yourself trying to keep me in line.

Let me do the things you can't, so the people can have some hope. [in the end, he's not just looking out for flynn, but for everyone else. he's one man, he can't be a reason for other things to suffer so much at flynn's behest.]

So I should sit back on my ass and watch while you damn yourself further?

[flynn lulls his head off to the side, also facing away from his friend. only then does he feel a slight trickling sensation, one masked by the sheer rage of a few moments prior. blood dripping from his nose. he reaches over and wipes it away with his shirt sleeve, with him wincing slightly at the sudden pain. one thing's for sure: they've definitely gotten better at beating the crap out of the other in addition to getting better at holding their drinks. he eyes the bloodied sleeve for a second before lowering that arm and speaking again.]

I can't do that. I won't. I've already failed so many people; I'm not going to fail you, too.

[not fail again, rather. not fail to a degree that it leads to yuri actually dying this time. both of them can't be inhuman, but flynn plans on being the one who is. a commandant can't be human, anyway, so the role fits him far more than yuri. yuri still has a chance to lead a good, pleasant life. one of them deserves that much, at least.]

Maybe it's selfish to want that, to want equality and to do so the right way while also wanting you to not go further down the road you're on, but I'm prepared to pay whatever price for my selfishness.

[namely giving up being flynn scifo the nobody and become commandant flynn scifo, head of the imperial knights and epitome of knightly ideals. if it's just him suffering then it's okay, right? it has to be. everyone else suffered so much for him, so many innocent people did, so him feeling it now and possibly for the rest of his life is how it should be, right? right. all that's necessary is to convince yuri of this. easier said than done. both of them seem so evenly matched in terms of stubbornness right now. both of them want the same thing so why can't they agree? why can't yuri agree? he gives a small sigh.]

I meant it when I said you matter most to me. Even if I'm willing to turn my blade on you, that doesn't mean I won't try to do what I can to prevent it from happening.

[everything he can to, within lawful reason and all. flynn doesn't plan on stepping outside the boundaries of what is right. he knows, with his level of dedication and determination, that it can and will be done. it has to be.]

There's no turning back from how damned I am already, Flynn. We can't change the things that've happened, so why run away from it?

[this is definitely a sentiment he hates so much. flynn has never failed him, not beyond blinded by the shape the knights were really in before his own rise to the top. and that—it frustrated yuri to no end to watch and not be able to show him how fucked up things were.

so he did what he had to do, even at the cost of his own innocence. he's got enough blood on his hands that he can't really even consider the change of living a normal, pleasant life. he's never had that before, so why would that change? he wants to see things go differently, but for his friends, and for the people of the lower quarter who really and truly deserve to lead better lives.

he's not worthy of that, not anymore.

yuri's eyes remain focused on the foliage ahead of him, not looking back at flynn—if anything, he's turning so his back is all flynn can see. he swallows, thickly... this conversation is too dark and too heavy when they're in the middle of a much bigger situation. but he also knows these are things that probably needed to be addressed, an awkward elephant in the room every time they're near each other that neither dares to speak because they're both so intent on shouldering the burdens. this probably shouldn't be what friendship is; this probably shouldn't be what their friendship is. but here they are, and not only does is weigh down on his shoulders, but his chest—it feels like he's going to be crushed from the weight of this topic and how they can't find a way to see eye-to-eye.

he doesn't want to concede, though.]

It's not selfish. It's stupid and probably impossible. Turn your blade on me if you have to. You know I won't stop you if that's what it comes to. [he draws in a breath. he's really avoiding the words flynn says. "you matter most to me." mostly because he doesn't know how to acknowledge it, and partly because he knows he doesn't need to say it for flynn to know that this is a two-way street.] Don't be so damn single-minded when you have to look out for an entire Empire. And don't work yourself to an early grave to try and pull me out from what I already dug for myself.

These were my choices, and I'd make them again if that's what it took. [there's conviction in his tone that states he isn't going to give in so easily. but the hardlined anger has given way to something else. it's dark, yes, but it's contemplative and considerate, too.

there's really no question here that he doesn't want flynn to become what others in the knights became in order to achieve their goals, and he knows that flynn can be short-sighted enough at times to fall into a trap he unintentionally set for himself. how could he live a pleasant life knowing that was the cost? that's stupid, it's ridiculous, and it's unfair in a way he can't abide by. there's nothing just about that.]

[that causes flynn's head to snap over in yuri's direction and frown heavily at his back.]

But I don't want you to have to be forced to make them! You don't deserve this burden!

[how can yuri believe he does!? yes, he has committed crimes and some sort of punishment needs to come for them (although, a pardon from ioder could be likely at this point), but that does not mean he has to throw away his future. people can change their destiny. yuri can change his. the blood may remain on his hands, but there is no need to soil them further! why can't he see that?

he opens his mouth and closes it while glancing away. the heaviness of this topic isn't lost on flynn. addressing all these issues and so suddenly with so much energy already spent makes it draining. he feels tired despite having barely done anything to warrant it. almost by chance, his eyes briefly turn toward yuri again and one thing stops him from looking back away: the disheveled jungle mess that yuri's hair has returned to. all their work undone within mere minutes. the reason the hair went back to such a sorry state is because they started fighting, because flynn overreacted over what happened the other night. as the one at fault, the responsibility to fix it lies with him. a moment passes before flynn pushes himself up off the ground, beginning to speak while doing so.]

Maybe I am single-minded, but so are you. You keep on believing what you're doing and where you're headed is all right, that you don't matter because you lack a title or social standing, but you're wrong.

[once sitting upright, he scoots over to be directly behind yuri and then once again begins to work on those tangled locks. the scene now mirrors the one earlier but the mood is entirely different. rather than the start of a dumb argument, this is the winding down of a serious one. they can't seem to agree at all. yuri thinks flynn is the one who deserves a good life; flynn believes the one who does is yuri. why can't they see eye to eye on this like they had with ceres?

it's clear now: neither of them are going to budge. flynn's frown intensifies as he nimbly undoes a knot. what needs to be done is obvious. if yuri would make the same choices if given a chance then flynn needs to ensure that chance never comes. it reaffirms his own resolve to become the best he can at no matter the cost to himself. maybe this road is no less self-destructive than yuri's, but it's okay because the only one who suffers this way is flynn.]

If you've already dug your grave then I suppose I've dug mine, as well. I can do it all. I'll change the Empire, I'll protect its people and I'll save you from yourself.

[firm resolve carries in flynn's voice, resolve to make sure his choice wins over yuri's. this fight will be one that the other man cannot --will not-- win. so what if he works himself to death as result? if his life ends early but leads to a better life for others, not just yuri but everyone else, too, then it'll be worth whatever suffering this path brings.]

Why are you so damn insistent on ruining yourself to help me?

[yuri protests his words, but at this point, they lack the strength to argue at full capacity. he knows as well as flynn does that no matter how many words they exchange, this is a matter they won't see eye-to-eye on. it's going to take something cataclysmic for their perspective to change.

it doesn't matter if he understands flynn's words and the implications that go along with it. the weight of taking another's life, of taking the law into his own hands, of making his friendd—and especially flynn—suffer because of all he's done weighs on him too heavily. though he puts up the veneers that things are fine, that these are things he had to do, it doesn't stop him from knowing how badly is affects everyone else. he can't easily reconcile that; even if he doesn't regret the things he's done in the long run, he's still human. he never really wanted to have this burden to begin with, but now that it exists, he can't just wash it away.

and flynn can't either, no matter how much he tries to tell himself he can. that's what hurts about this; yuri knows that flynn will work himself to the bone until he goes grayer than alexei—until he drops dead, even—to find a solution. and he just doesn't want that for flynn, not at all. the responsibility of being commandant is enough on its own without the added worry.

...but knowing this and also knowing that their argument will continue to run in circles is just exhausting to deal with. maybe it's not surprising that flynn "wins" the fight, if only because yuri concedes with this half-assed retort. of course, the other victory for flynn comes in the form of yuri not refusing his aid once again. if anything, his shoulders relax a bit at the sensation of flynn fiddling with his hair. he doesn't even bother to try and fix the front right now; instead, he brings his hand to his mouth, letting his fingers graze over the swollen area of his lips from flynn's punch.]

And you throw punches as hard as your head, too. [seriously. flynn had always been strong, stronger than him, but this is ridiculous. he'd practically be laid out by a single hit, though maybe that comes with the territory of having a blowout fight first thing in the morning.

he sighs, quietly. yuri's not even sure what to say at this point. he's still frustrated, but also a bit defeated. this impromptu jungle trip is just a shit-flavored icing on top of the garbage-flavored cake this week is turning out to be.]

I could ask you the same thing.

[there's no bite in that. residual anger alongside tiredness are all that come across. he could ask it and get the same answer and start this deadlocked song and dance again. not now. not when they're both spent. honestly, the battle feels more like a loss than a victory. if nothing else, at least they got this all out in the open instead of avoiding it and pretending it doesn't exist. while not worked out, it was finally addressed. that's a start.

something else important did come out of this, too: his resolve got strengthened. no matter what it takes, he'll keep moving forward. how can he not when the alternative means letting the person dearest to him suffer? he can do it. he will. getting to where he is now was purely an uphill struggle; why not struggle a little more to reach even greater heights. hard work to an extreme and determination unlike no other will make this goal a reality. those gray hairs already on his head are going to get a lot of friends really soon. there goes the hope of keeping some blond hair come 30. then again, if graying is all that happens then it's not a bad price to pay. ...no matter how much the thought of it bugs him.

flynn suddenly pauses in his movements when yuri comments on the punch. oh right. that happened, didn't it? no motion comes for a few seconds, possibly long enough to raise questions about why, but the reason makes itself clear when some muttering comes under his breath and that familiar bright light of a cure hits yuri seconds later (the one thing always on his person is his blastia, thankfully). it's the least he could do. that punch carried far too much strength behind it. some restraint should have been shown.

with arte cast, the hair de-tangling resumes.]

You, too. If I had moved my head a little differently, you'd have broken my nose.

[instead, it's just really bloody (still dripping, too, but flynn feels way too tired to give a damn about it) and painful, but not broken. needless to say, no second round of a cure comes to fix it. no reason to waste the strength. what a punch that was, though. the power behind it definitely increased since the last time they came to blows like this. first drinking for the first time in ages and now beating the crap out of the other for the first time in ages: what a week.]

How'd you guess that's what I was going for?

[he retorts with a weak laugh; it's probably the worst time to crack a joke, but he can't help himself. when knowing and realizing that every last bit of that fight isn't resolved and not going to resolved here and now, all he can think to do is spin this in the other direction.

he doesn't like things getting too serious for too long—besides, this is probably the worst time and place for them to have some kind of an extended scuffle. yuri knows this argument isn't over.. if anything, they've blasted open the door on a plethora of issues that neither of them would have ever addressed otherwise. there's no way this will get a quick resolution, not so long as their approach on these ideas can't line up. it'll take something big for this to change, but revisiting it later... maybe that's just better. they need to conserve their energy for any threads they may come across. having their blastia on hand may be useful, but they're still unarmed and unarmored and that's a problem. they have to be on their toes for anything else.]

Thanks. [he'll say quietly as the effects of the first aid work their literal magic. the swelling, the physical pain—it all dissipates, leaving nothing but the lingering taste of blood to sit on his tongue.] Spend a little more energy and take care of yourself too.

[...you idiot. it's times like these that yuri curses is inability to grasp the formulas for magic artes. then, at least, he'd be able to make sure flynn didn't do this. he makes the request fully knowing that flynn will refuse. he's always got the energy to spend on other people, but if a broken arm couldn't slow him down, a bruised nose definitely wouldn't. he tries anyway, though, because he just wants flynn to actually take care of himself.

which all goes back to their earlier fight. it causes yuri to draw in a breath and follow up with a frustrated sigh, shoulders tensing up once again. this whole situation is just miserable, and even as they both try to move past it a bit, the feelings definitely still linger in the worst way. this definitely falls under "things yuri hates and is really bad at dealing with" as well as "sides of him that only flynn and repede ever get to see."]

[a tired snort comes in response, one accompanied by the teeniest smile forming. leave it to yuri to crack a joke after all that. then again, it's not as though flynn minds. joking around feels far more natural, even if this attempt at humor fails to lift the oppressively heavy atmosphere.]

Because you're far less unpredictable than you think.

[flynn's half-hearted attempt at bantering. granted, the comment is an entirely true one. yuri, much as he probably doesn't think so, can be so simple-minded when it comes to the well-being of others. take for instance the comment about flynn taking care of himself. flynn knew it was coming. so what if he was the one who started their squabble? the worry still comes. nice as it is to have some who cares, having someone worry so much about a person while ignoring themselves isn't. ...ignoring how much of a hypocrite that makes him, but it's okay when he's the one doing the worrying.]

Mhm. [comes the hum of acknowledgement at the thank you, shortly followed by him addressing the concern about his own state.] I'll be fine; you don't have to worry.

[the injury isn't serious. at all. yeah, it hurts but not enough so to necessitate wasting energy on healing it. yuri shouldn't worry about him so much. this brings flynn's own thoughts back to their yelling session moments prior, resulting in a soft sigh. why can't yuri simply allow him to carry some of his own burdens or at least be trusting of his judgment? what would they do now if an attack comes and flynn lacks enough strength thanks to healing himself without good reason? struggle needlessly with worse injuries, that's what. see, logic goes behind the lack of self healing.

yuri suddenly tensing up gets taken to mean something else. with his mind having been elsewhere for those few seconds, the leap is made that accidental hair pulling caused it. shit, did he pull that hard? his hands freeze once more while flynn mentally curses his own inattentiveness. the last thing needed right now is causing the other man more pain after that stupidly strong punch.]

Ah, sorry, I didn't tug too hard, did I?

[without waiting for a response, combing the hair resumes but with an extra gentle touch. no more distracting himself with that sort of thought. dwelling on the unpleasant topic from earlier can wait until later.]

Nah, it's fine.

[that much is true, at least. the way his shoulders tensed has nothing to do with the way flynn's handling his hair. it's just the residual thoughts that come with a situation like this.

maybe he is predictable, but so is flynn, there's no doubt about that. and that's likely why the whole argument had been an infuriating one. and it's exactly why flynn refusing to heal himself doesn't come as a surprise. they both know each other entirely too well—this is why each of them trying to shoulder all of the burdens ends up in disaster, always. yuri has already almost lost his life once because of it, and with flynn willing to do the same, it's hard to make any progress.

one day, maybe one day, they'll be able to push each other into the right direction and put an end to the self-destructing natures they carry for the sake of one another. but now? now is not that time, not when neither of them can let go of their stubbornness long enough to see that their respective approaches are doing nothing but making things worse. on some level, yuri knows this, but when his options at the moment are "destroy himself" or "let flynn destroy himself," he only sees one of those paths as viable. it's all very circular, and not something that can be helped right now. he knows that.

so his shoulders relax again, and yuri drops his head slightly. that causes a tug in his hair, but hardly enough to hurt. he just hates this impasse, even if the worst moments have passed. no, he has to let it go, as best he can for the time being. there's no point in expending more energy on this. so he shifts instead, keeping his hands on the ground as support as he leans his body back slightly towards flynn.]

Wonder how long we're gonna be stuck out here for. [finally, he shifts the topic completely. it's not subtle at all, but yuri doesn't think it needs to be.] Even when it's not CERES, we're getting dragged into other people's messes.

[the change of topic is anything but subtle. being subtle has never been yuri's strong point, really. that said, flynn doesn't mind. he knows its purpose and allows it to happen. what they had that fight over can't be something easily sorted out and definitely won't get sorted out here today. if flynn gives an inch then yuri suffers; if yuri gives an inch then it's flynn. they're at a stalemate. why do they have to be evenly matched in this regard in addition to so much else? better to attempt to sort it out later and hopefully before something bad happens that will force them to deal with it.

a nod comes at the commentary, with flynn silently appreciative at the easier access to the hair that yuri's new position provides. progress with the hair is coming along nicely. one part of it is done, evidenced by a hand going smoothly down through it all the way to the end to double check for anything missed. time to work on the huge unpleasant knot in the center, quite possibly the worst of this hairy disaster. it'll take a little more effort than the rest of it, but flynn jumps right on in.]

Yeah. First the constant troubles back home and now having to deal with the troubles of another world; it feels never-ending.

[this is more commentary as opposed to a complaint. it really has been never-ending, one thing right after another. a break, no matter how small, would be so nice between all these bad things that keep on coming at them. flynn knows that no way to expect these things exists, but wishes the universe cutting them some slack. neither of them can ignore any of it, either. people are suffering and god knows both of them can't sit still when that happens. they both need to do something.

...though, hopefully, it won't end with yuri doing something he regrets. no need for it has arisen yet, but flynn can't rule out yuri's methods in dealing with things coming back into play if necessary. those methods are precisely why flynn can't budge in that earlier argument. to budge means inadvertently allowing them. never. not in a million years. this is why he'll sooner work himself to that early death than allow yuri to soil his hands once more. a sigh comes, but one relatively light,just to not make it overly obviously that his mind still keeps darting back to earlier no matter how much it tries not to.]

I never believed in you being cursed before, but even I'm starting to question whether or not there's some truth to it.

[and if there is then why does he always get pulled along for the ride?]

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