![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
[closed]
Who: Leon and Stahn, the failure duo, plus Otome the Intervention
When: IC: 4/30ish ; OOC: 1/1
Where: Walking home, residential district
What: Stahn and Leon are stupid and incapable of discussing canon Issues. Otome's here to help.
Rating/Warning: Dumb tales losers
[Things have been tense from the moment they arrived.
No matter what the topic, and no matter what the situation, it always seemed to end in them butting heads. And nothing like how it used to be. They have always argued. It's just how they are. But this sort of...cold, fierce arguing, as though there is no common ground to be found--it's strange for them.
Leon doesn't like it, truly, but he doesn't know how to fix it, either. There's too much to even begin approaching it, and so instead more and more gets shoved under the rug as they try to cope with things that they never should have had to.
He's never been good at this. And while he knows that he's just hurting Stahn further, he can't seem to stop.
And that's why they're standing in the middle of the sidewalk, arguing again. And it's yet another stupid argument, but really it's just the superficial revealing just how frustrated they really are.]
There is no reason for it, Stahn! [Ah yes, there's Leon, being pissy as ever, much like the fussy angry black cat he is.] I don't require your constant presence, regardless of what you might think!
[Ah yes...here they are, arguing over...eating dinner together. That's normal.]
When: IC: 4/30ish ; OOC: 1/1
Where: Walking home, residential district
What: Stahn and Leon are stupid and incapable of discussing canon Issues. Otome's here to help.
Rating/Warning: Dumb tales losers
[Things have been tense from the moment they arrived.
No matter what the topic, and no matter what the situation, it always seemed to end in them butting heads. And nothing like how it used to be. They have always argued. It's just how they are. But this sort of...cold, fierce arguing, as though there is no common ground to be found--it's strange for them.
Leon doesn't like it, truly, but he doesn't know how to fix it, either. There's too much to even begin approaching it, and so instead more and more gets shoved under the rug as they try to cope with things that they never should have had to.
He's never been good at this. And while he knows that he's just hurting Stahn further, he can't seem to stop.
And that's why they're standing in the middle of the sidewalk, arguing again. And it's yet another stupid argument, but really it's just the superficial revealing just how frustrated they really are.]
There is no reason for it, Stahn! [Ah yes, there's Leon, being pissy as ever, much like the fussy angry black cat he is.] I don't require your constant presence, regardless of what you might think!
[Ah yes...here they are, arguing over...eating dinner together. That's normal.]
no subject
It would probably hurt less, in time.
Because Leon is more than starkly aware of the fact that, despite the fact that he's breathing now, and he can feel his heart beating, he's going to go back to being dead in time. There is nothing here for him to live for. And... in truth, he really hasn't moved past his death at all.
He's stuck on it, and it's making things harder on both of them, but how is he supposed to move past it when he was so suddenly shoved into a situation like this? How is he supposed to cope? How is he supposed to deal with the fact that Stahn's been wearing down, bit by bit, and all he can do is watch it happen and know that it's his fault?]
You...are.
[Ultimately, that's what he says, after a rather lengthy pause. He never looks up to meet Stahn's eyes, though.]
Right now, you are that weak.
[It's said only dully, because...it's not necessarily a bad thing. Leon's not going to ask Stahn to be strong right now, because Stahn... he's on the edge, isn't he? And there's nothing Leon can do about that, and he doesn't know how to fix it, but what he does know is that right now, Stahn is weak.
And it's his attachment to Leon that has made him so.
But Leon's just too tired and too mixed up to even say if that's a bad thing or a good thing. It just... is. Just like Leon is worn down too, and while he had his minor breakdown after he thought Marian was dead, he's never fully recovered from it--he hasn't had the chance.
They're both emotionally battered and drained, and so is it really any surprise that they're where they are now?]
no subject
that was definitely the wrong thing to say.
whether or not there's meant to be some sort of distinction there, hearing leon actually call him weak feels like more of a betrayal than his actual betrayal was. stahn, who has been doing nothing but sweeping his own pain under the rug without complaint so that literally everyone else could depend on him to lead the charge and save the whole world from what hugo was doing... he was the weak one here? he's never complained because he doesn't want to complain, because he knows that people are counting on him, and because he wants to be the person they're all counting on him to be.
he's capable of putting his pain aside to focus on the things that need to be done. maybe showing up here has thrown a wrench in that. maybe the antics brought about by cerealia's nature have only exacerbated the problem. but stahn has done nothing but try to remain strong, try to smile, try to do the right thing in order for them to be able to get through this situation.
stahn knows leon is dead. stahn knows that leon has nothing to go back to but the title of being a traitor to his country and the world even if they could reverse that. but it still doesn't mean he's given up. it doesn't mean he doesn't want to find a place where leon can keep living and breathing just like he is now.
so even though he feels like he's going to break down, and even though he feels the sting of tears behind his eyes, he pushes them back, clenching his jaw.]
I'm not giving up, Leon. It's weaker to run away than to face it head-on. Just like everything else... you left me a job to do, and I'm going to do that. [this much, he says with some conviction. despite his pain and his losses, he'll never give up on saving his home.]
But... we're here now, right? Both of us. Nothing is going to change that so... [stop pushing him away. stop acting like it's so wrong to want to see his friend, like it's so wrong to want to spend time around the one person who understands the way he is and what burdens he's carrying.
but he can't say that. he just swallows hard instead. wondering... is it really that weak?
how is it fair that leon can put the weight of the world on stahn's shoulders, die, and then call him weak for it? how is that fair? he doesn't understand. make him understand, if that's even possible, leon.]
no subject
It really does hurt to hear Stahn say that, even though he knows he's right. It's weaker to run away. It's weaker to run away than to face things head-on. Leon knows.
He knows that so well.
And it'd been exactly what he'd done.
That's probably not what Stahn meant, of course. But even so, it really does feel like a blow towards that, and Leon's jaw clenches even as he stares at the floor, swallowing tightly. Leon ran away. Leon ran away from everything, because Leon, too, is weak. Mikleo had said without hesitation that he wouldn't sacrifice other people to protect his important people--as easy as that. But maybe it is as easy as that. Maybe Leon's just weak.
Stahn is being weak right now, but Leon knows that this entire time, he's been weaker, and it hurts to think of it, and it hurts to acknowledge it, but he can't run away from it any longer. He was too weak to save Marian. Too weak to fight Hugo. Too weak to not betray Stahn and the others. Too weak to help them save the world.
Why is Stahn even still trying?
He has to swallow again before he can manage words, and when he does, they're snapped out tightly, because if his tone was anything else, it'd probably just be painfully sad.]
Stop... clinging onto me. [Just stop. Just stop. Stop everything. Stop trying to do things for him. Because he doesn't deserve it. He's a traitor, and he doesn't deserve anything from Stahn at this point. He's going to keep living and breathing while he's here--but only to see Stahn back to their world safely.
That's the least he can do.]
Just let go. I-- ["don't deserve it"] --don't want this. I-- ["am tired of hurting you"] --hate people like you.
no subject
there are those words leon has said so many times before. "i hate people like you," "happy-go-lucky idiots like you are the worst," those are the words he says, but they're never the truth. they've never been the truth, and stahn knows it. he knows that leon has a hard time with people. he knows that leon is difficult to get along with.
but if there's one other thing stahn knows, it's the fact that leon is a good person with a lot of love in his heart. he's lonely, and he's sad, and he has a hard time trusting people. but he's a good person. and he knows already that they're best friends. nothing can change that.
so despite all the times that he's taken those words in stride, all the times stahn has brushed them off and laughed and legitimately not felt hurt by them... he can't stand to hear it this time. he's sick of it. how many times can he say the same thing? he hates it, stop clinging, let go, go away..
enough already.]
Stop lying, Leon! [it's like hearing those words for the umpteenth time this month alone is enough for the dam to break, and stahn finally snaps back with the fiery intensity that makes him worthy of his mantle as the swordian master of fire.]
I can't... I don't believe that! [he yells, though he realizes he should dial it back a bit. which he somehow manages, but he's still fairly loud. stahn is angry, he's hurt, he's grieving, and he's trying to figure out how to keep his promises while dealing with all that. maybe that's why when he's snapping back, the tears he held back begin to line his eyes, though he isn't paying very much attention to that.]
Did you hate me when I held my hand out? Did you hate me when you forced us onto that lift? Was making us see that your way of showing it? ...Did you hate me when you wanted me to save Marian, or stop Hugo!? Or when I told you that we brought her back safely!? Maybe you did... maybe you do. But you're still our friend. You're still my friend, so I'm not going to give up on you just because of those things, Leon.
So just stop! Stop trying to act like you're the only one who gets to decide. You made enough choices already! Let me... let me help! [he chose to not rely on them when marian was taken. he chose to betray them. he chose to die. he doesn't get to choose to push stahn out of his life now, that much stahn is deciding on his own.
even now, when he's grieving and suffering, he's madder that leon won't let him help. he's madder that leon is choosing solitude and hurting them both rather than the fact that he's bearing the weight of the world. he doesn't mention how he has nightmares about seeing leon's last moments, how sick he feels when he remember what happened to ilene, and how many other countless traumas he's endured since leon sacrificed himself. because that's not important to him right now, even though it's undoubtedly as unhealthy as what they've been doing to bottle it up.
being there for the sake of his friends... this is what he has to do most, even if it hurts.]
no subject
And now he's right back to hurting Stahn.
But he can't stop, either, and Stahn is still so focused on him, even now. Leon doesn't understand. He'll never understand, he's starting to think, because Stahn has no reason to worry even now about Leon. After everything Leon did, he'd deserve nothing more than Stahn turning his back on him, especially when he's obviously in so much pain.
But...
He can't change Stahn, and he can't convince him otherwise. He can't convince him to stop caring, that much is obvious; he's been trying from day one, trying extra from the moment they met up again in Cerealia, and it just doesn't work. Stahn won't...let him go.
That should make him happy...but he's not sure how it makes him feel. It makes him feel all sorts of mixed up emotions, but what he does know is that in response to Stahn's flared up anger, Leon's temper flares as well. As ever, really. They bring out the best in each other, but they also bring out the worst, and Stahn has always been ever capable of getting under Leon's skin.
So he snaps back, expression fierce, but his voice trembles despite himself, throat tight.]
I--!
[It's honestly panic-inducing in a way. Stahn asking these questions. Stahn digging deep into why he did the things he did, because in large part, Leon still doesn't know. And what he does know is.... nothing he wants to say, but he needs an answer, and he needs one now.]
I never wanted this! [Each word is bit out shortly, piece by piece.] Everything that happened--I never wanted any of it! And in the end, it was a relief.
[To die. To be able to go out a hero. Even if it also was terrifying, and even if it hurt to die like that alone, and even if he still has nightmares of drowning, and the feeling of not being able to breathe until everything went dark. It was still a relief, because Stahn and the others were safe, and because he didn't have to face up to what he'd done.
But now he does.
And it's too much for him, and it's been too much for awhile now.]
I don't want your help! I just want--! [...what does he want? He wants to go back to being dead, when Stahn is safely back in their world. He doesn't want to have to face this. He's a coward, and it would be so much easier, and.... and he doesn't know what to do with this second life.
... He reins in his temper with an iron willpower, though he doesn't seem to realize that his eyes are a little wet as well; no tears spill over, though, so it doesn't much matter. Instead, he carries on flatly.]
It doesn't matter. Do what you want. Make whatever choices you want.
[Stahn's not going to stop, so why should he even bother?
It's not like it's going to matter in the end anyway.]
If you want to continue hurting yourself for no reason, that is of no concern of mine.
[Even though really, that's what he's been concerned with all along.]
no subject
he can't ignore it.
his fiery nature means it's a lot harder for him to calm down. when he gets like this, it's usually rutee, or woodrow, or philia that give him that tap to calm the hell down and look at things a little different. he's not unlike dymlos in this way, and without them there to temper him, it's just bad news. for someone who usually smiles as bright at the sun.. well, he burns with just as much intensity when he's mad.
and that's why he doesn't respond to the way leon tries to calm himself, or the fact that he says he doesn't want stahn's help. none of that matters, because at the end of the day, stahn is absolutely never going to give up on doing that anyway. that's his nature. that's who he is as a person. he helps his friends, and leon is the most important friend of them all. he may not know how to help yet, or what it'll eventually entail, but that's not something he's ever for a moment considered giving up on. maybe it'll hurt him in the end, but can it hurt any more than this? he's not sure.
but there's something he he can't ignore.]
It was... a relief? [those words are said with... almost indignation. he can hardly believe leon is saying that, because it really is the most cowardly way he could have responded. leon magnus, knight of seinegald... relieved to die.]
Maybe it was a relief. For you. But did you think about everyone else that had to watch that? Do you know how badly Rutee was hurt after that!? After you said those things. How could you tell her that and then leave her!?
[she had tried so hard to hold it together, and then she had cries so hard in his arms after proclaiming how much she hated leon. how... how could he act like anything about this was a relief? he didn't have to deal with the consequences. he didn't have to deal with the grieving. he didn't have to be everyone's strength. he didn't have to see the way kongman held stahn back, or how woodrow had to talk him down from walking into a death trap to save leon.]
Nobody wanted it. Nobody wanted that for you! We all wanted to help you, we all wanted you to come out of it. But it's a relief!? Leon! Can't you see it? No matter what happens, we're still your friend!
[he's such a mess. just like that day, all over again, he's yelling and he's crying. he's hurt and he's upset, and he's traumatized but it all. leon can claim this is no concern of his, but that hurt doesn't stop just because leon says things like that. even without leon there... stahn's hurt from his death hasn't stopped. he's still grieving, even with leon being in the same room. this is hard. this has been hard on stahn, even though he never once brings up how much he struggles.]
I've thought about it every day. Every day since we got out of there. There isn't a day I don't remember what happened. Until I die... I'll never forget what happened. [how much he hurt, what it looked like. he'll never let leon's memory fade.
this is the first time he's saying it to leon, the first time he's addressing just how hard he's been hit by it. it's something everyone in the party knew, but just didn't talk about... probably for stahn's sake more than anyone else's. and maybe this reaction here and now is exactly why it's been this way. maybe this in itself is why everyone's told him to focus on stopping hugo and nothing else. at the end of the day, he's not a trained soldier. he's a country boy who wasn't prepared for the dark underbelly of humanity. he's a kid who was not once ever prepared for tragedy on this scale. his idealism has been twisted from what it was a few months ago, and even with that positive facade... it's clear: this all has affected him much deeper than he's letting him admit to even himself.]
no subject
That entire spiraling nightmare that had been being under Hugo's thumb...it truly had been a relief when it had ended. If he hadn't died there, then what then? Hugo would have used Marian against him yet again. Maybe he would have resorted to trying to harm Stahn and the others again. And...
He wouldn't have been able to take it.
No, Leon's weak, and he knows it. He's so much weaker than Stahn right now, and there's really nothing that can be said in his own defense. He doesn't have a defense. He doesn't have any sort of defense, which is why, even if he starts to react indignantly or fiercely, he just... doesn't have it in him.]
You don't know--! [what he went through. How horrible everything was. How alone he was, even if that was of his own making. But then again, in a way, Leon has always been his own worst enemy.
But of course Stahn doesn't know. He had no way of knowing. And... that's no excuse either. Everything Stahn is saying is right, and it hurts. Especially as it all processes, and he's left with the cold, creeping realization that he's been wrong about the outcome of this situation all along.
He'd thought that...]
Rutee...did? [He doesn't understand it. She'd hated him. Finding out that he was her family should have meant nothing to her. His death should have meant nothing to her. And Stahn... well, of course Stahn cared, but--this much? Why would he possibly care this much? This wasn't supposed to happen like this.
He was supposed to die, the others would be safe, and then they could move on with their lives, take on Hugo and save the world. That's all that was supposed to happen. That's all he expected to happen, so seeing Stahn as broken down as this over it just doesn't make sense.
He's been angry this entire conversation, but now he's just quiet, both confused and upset, no matter how much he tries to stomp that down. (But really, in the end, Leon is still just a stupid kid, no matter what else he tries to be.)]
You--this wasn't supposed to happen this way.
[This was never...supposed to happen this way.]
You weren't supposed to... [care. Not that much. Maybe a little, because Leon is admittedly selfish enough to not have wanted to be entirely forgotten, not too easily, but he didn't want this, either.]
no subject
leon may semi-intentionally hurt stahn with his constant attempts to keep his distance, but stahn can't do the same in return. it's too exhausting, and he just doesn't even have it in him right now. he wants leon to see and understand jut how much of a hole there was without him around, but he knows he can't do that by yelling a lot. so he falls quiet as all of these realizations start to sink in, as he tries to find all the words he needs to say. he's... not very good at this either.
but leon is hurting too, right?
he's hurting just as much as they all were, and even though stahn knows this will probably hurt him more... it needs to be said.]
She tried hard to be strong... and to understand what you did. But you told her that. You were the only family she had, and you left her that way. [he remembers her yelling, her crying, and the feeling of her sobs right into his chest. she didn't hate leon, not at all. she hated what he did, but he knows that rutee would have treated him better if she'd known sooner.
if she'd known sooner, things would have been different. stahn is sure of that.] Nobody wants to see that happen, Leon! She's still.... your sister. Why would she be okay with watching her brother do something like that, after everything?
[he shakes his head, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment. which is probably a bad idea, when all he can see are the images that are burned in his mind: leon's sad smile as the lift rose, the water pouring through the cracks, rutee's confused, teary eyes.]
Don't you get it? You can't decide things for us like that. How we feel, how we felt. You're our friend, no matter what happens. Nobody wanted that, everybody misses you. Me and Rutee, Philia, Mary, Woodrow, Kongman, Chelsea... everybody. Even while we do what you left for us! Everyone would have wanted you to do this with us. And Marian, too... she wanted to wait for you, even though she knew...
[he can't even raise his head to look at leon. he's a total wreck, because this is the first time he's said any of this out loud. nobody talked about it much, and they'd all done their best to hold it together when they had to fill marian in. they've all been trying hard to not let their emotions dictate what they do, or how they handle things.
but they'll never forgive hugo for what he did. especially not stahn, and maybe even doubly so for rutee, who now knows that her little brother died because of her own father's manipulations.
so maybe leon's right. it wasn't supposed to happen this way. but not because nobody was supposed to care. it was because they never should have lost a treasured friend, which is what leon will always be to them, regardless of his betrayal. they never for a second stopped believing in him; stahn didn't at least. he knew right from the start that something bigger led leon to that choice, something that hurt him too much. he knows leon would never have betrayed his country or his friends without a good reason... and knowing that means that he can't for a second view him as a traitor.]
no subject
He was Rutee's brother. He was all of their friend. He...
He supposes that was true. He can't really deny it any longer, not now that he's been able to see just how broken up Stahn was about it. But it's...panic-inducing too. Because the thought that they all cared that much about him, and that they always did, and that...they would have come, if he'd asked them to come...
Was he wrong?
He knows he was wrong about so many things. He knows that. But he couldn't even begin to scratch at the thought that he was wrong about not listening to Chaltier, and not getting help when Marian was taken. That was the one mistake that he couldn't accept was a mistake, because if he did then... then he'd have to accept that in the end, he brought everything on himself. In the end, everything that happened was his own fault, and nobody else's, because he just...made the wrong choices.
But Stahn keeps saying it, and saying it, and making it so clear, and Leon's carefully constructed ideas about that entire nightmare are coming crashing down, and there's nothing he can do about it. But really...that's all the more reason for him to die, really. If, in the end, he made that fatal mistake too, if it had been a mistake all along, then--
(He needs to apologize to Chal.)
--it was all his fault.
He could have handled anything but this.
His breath catches, but he refuses to cry--or at least he refuses to let anyone see him cry, looking away sharply, hair falling into his face. It's too much for him, and he...can't deny it any longer. He'd hurt all of them with his choices, and he regrets every last bit of it.]
Stop.
[It's the only word that escapes him at first, soft and almost wounded, before he manages to catch his breath and speak in a tone that's a bit more like himself. It's harsh, but it's the harshness that is dragged out of someone realizing that they've messed up; it's not defensive anymore, but rather just bitterly harsh.]
I can't-- [He can't take this--but it's too late, isn't it? He's already acknowledged it deep down, that he messed it all up. There's no going back from it now.]
I thought... [Wrong. He thought wrong.
And slowly he takes a shuddering breath and swallows, and when he meets Stahn's eyes, his expression is just bitter, but aside from some lingering wetness in his eyes, he's not crying either. He can't back down from this point. Backing down from this now...would just mean that everything comes crashing down.
(But now he just sounds resigned, and so very tired.)]
I made the decisions I made. I won't...take them back.
[He can't take them back. He has no other option at this point.
And they were...the wrong choices. He knows that now.]
no subject
he knows that leon can't change the past. it's already happened, so even if he wanted to, there's just no way to do that. and stahn is more than aware that leon has figured this out. but that look of bitterness just makes it feel worse; it still feels like even with some kind of bare acknowledgement of the facts, leon is in refusal to accept how much they all hurt because of those choices.
and how much they miss him.
and how much he still means, even though he's not fighting alongside them.
he doesn't know how much everyone had to talk stahn down from the ledge to ensure that leon's sacrifice wouldn't be in vain, and he doesn't know just how much rutee cried. he doesn't know the sort of sad smile marian gave them when she realized that leon wasn't in their numbers.]
I know. Now... you have to live here with those choices. Just like the rest of us have had to. [he says it quietly, and though he's looking at leon... the gaze doesn't stay there. his eyes are red and rimmed with wetness, his cheeks are tear stained; stahn is a mess. it's hard to look at leon when he's like this, because he feels as weak as leon claimed he was. but it's hard to help, not when he's been holding all of this grief in for months.
leon's not the only one he's been grieving over, of course... but everyone else; baruk, ilene, rembrandt... all of the feelings about what happened with them are flooding out along with this. ilene especially, since that was undoubtedly one of the more traumatizing experiences of his journey, and disabled him nearly as much as leon's death did. so it's hard to look at him. it's hard to be that positive force of sunshine he's always been, relentlessly steamrolling leon's stubborn ways. it won't stop him from saying what he needs to say, but somehow, he can't look at leon while he does it. it's easier to dip his head and let his hair do a better job of hiding it.]
But I won't take back anything either, Leon. Not that you're my friend, and not that... I'm happy that there's a way I can see you again, even if it's only for a while. [he hates that latter part, but he knows it. unless there is some way... and if there is, he'll want to use it.
but stahn knows. he already knows this painful truth, even if he wants to look for some kind of alternative.] If they were here, they'd feel the same way.
[he sucks in a breath, and the next part comes out much more quietly. it's almost like he's unsure if he should say it at all, but... he can't help himself. there are so many things he wants leon to know, and he knows he may not have a chance to again. because... he has to be strong, right? he has to keep his head up. he has to not let his feelings control him. he has a to find a way home and ensure everyone's safety. he has to save the world and stop hugo from firing belcrant again. and he can't do this if he's going to do that.]
We just... miss you, Leon. Nobody can take your place. [not as a comrade, not a friend, not as a brother. he'll always view leon as his best friend; who could dare replace him? nobody, of course.]
no subject
It's true. It's the cold, hard truth. He was dead, but now--now he's alive. Now he's alive, and now he has to deal with the choices he made. There's no other option. No matter how he looks at it...they are the choices he has to accept. No matter how much he wishes he could deny this, and deny Stahn, he can't.
He can't, because Stahn is right. And if Stahn is right, then that means that Leon is wrong. It means that Leon was wrong about everything. It means that...that maybe everyone did miss him. And still do...? Maybe everyone still does miss him? It means that maybe his death actually meant something...to someone. He knew that it would mean something to Chal and to Marian, though their devotion still confuses and surprises him to this day.
But... to think that it could have meant something to everyone else. To think that Stahn is still mourning him. To think that Rutee shed tears over him.... It's almost overwhelming to think that in the end, people actually did care about his death. That Rutee cared about him as a brother. That means that... in the end, maybe he really did have--
He ducks his head. These were the people he betrayed. The ones who cared, the ones who are mourning him now. These are the people he hurt with his actions.
It's difficult to swallow--even though this is something he probably truly knew all along.
He's silent for a long moment, as if absorbing that, and when he finally speaks, he only barely lifts his head, voice soft and wry.]
Stahn... even now--even after everything, you would say all of this.
[Even now, Stahn treats him like this, and calls him a precious friend. Even now--even after everything. Leon doesn't deserve it, but... he can't keep fighting it either. As much as he wants to, and as much as he's been trying to keep Stahn at arm's length, he....can't keep doing this.
He's caving, even if it's still in a very definitively Leon sort of way. Even if all he can do is sound wondering and a little confused.]
Even now...
no subject
[he agreement comes in the form a weak, quiet hum. he too only barely lifts his head, just enough to get a peek; the hostile energy that filled the room has been replaced by the deep feelings of hurt and sadness they both have over this situation. it's hard to tell whether it's better or worse, but it's clear that neither of them has the energy to be at one another's throats right now.
it feels like for the first time since they found each other once again, leon has a real understand of what he's been trying to do all along.]
I reached my hand out, remember? I never wanted to fight you... I just wanted you to leave with us. I wanted to help you however I could. I wanted you to fight with us. [that's what everyone wanted.
but that isn't what they got, which is why stahn's head dips again. because it's painful to remember that despite those attempts, he was a second too late. and for all the things that leon was to blame for, the fact that stahn couldn't get through to leon sooner, or be there in darilsheid to try and stop him from making those bad decisions to start with... he still feels guilty about it.
leon deserved better than what he got.
he deserved better than being strung along by hugo.
he deserved better than having to resort to desperate measures to try and save marian.
he deserved better than giving up his own life to save them.
why couldn't he have reached out earlier? why couldn't he have stopped things from getting out of hand before it was too late? why was that a decision leon even had to make in the first place? he never should have had to. that never should have been on the table.]
You're... my best friend, Leon. Even after everything, nothing will change that. [because despite that, he feels this way. leon still was an admirable person who would use all of his resources to protect what mattered. he was still a prodigal swordsman, and seinegald's youngest night. he was still an impressive swordian master. he was still someone who saved stahn's life on more than one occasion, and never demanded so much as a "thank you" for it. he was someone stahn trusted with his thoughts and wondering, someone he could seek out when he needed a dose of reality, and someone that could teach him a lot about the world despite his young age.
but until now, he's never had the chance to tell leon that. not that his feelings won't change, and not that he's no longer just an important friend, but far and away the most important and most treasured one. here and now, he can finally say the same thought he conveyed to marian after they'd saved her.
leon is his best friend. death, fights, ceres' influence—that's not changing it. so he just wants leon to understand this. no matter how hard he tries to deny stahn, or how hard he tries to fight it, stahn is never going to give up on him. not ever.]
no subject
It makes Leon almost a little bitter. Why couldn't he have taken that hand sooner?
But it wasn't meant to be. In the end Leon hadn't been able to do so. He'd made his decisions, and even now, he has to stand by them. He knows now that he was wrong, wrong in just about....every single decision that he made during that time. But even so, he made them, and he has to stand by the consequences of them. There's no going back.
He hurt Stahn and the others with his choices. He hurt Marian too, even as he was trying to save her. He hurt Chal by forcing him to fight against his comrades, and not listening to him. He hurt everyone that mattered to him, and that's...his burden to bear. That's what he's guilty of.
And even now, Stahn still wants to call him his friend. And not just his friend, but his best friend, and Leon doesn't even know how he'd begin to handle that. What is a best friend? How does Stahn think so highly of him? He knows he doesn't deserve it, but selfishly...he's glad for it too.
Because he doesn't want Stahn to give up on him. He wants Stahn to believe in him. And even though he's going to go back to being dead in time, he still wants Stahn to think of him, and in more than just those last moments of swords clashing and Leon's inability to take his hand. So... maybe he needs to give up on pushing Stahn away. He's not going to let him, and it's just hurting him further. Stahn might end up hurting further, when everything comes to its conclusion and Leon returns to his watery grave, but... it's Stahn's choice, and Leon can't make it for him.
Slowly, he breathes out a shuddering breath, and slowly he lifts his head to properly meet Stahn's eyes finally. They're both tired now, and both of them have said so much that they've been pushing aside for too long. And he can't say much, not really. He can't say much in response to "best friend", and "I wanted to help you however I could", because it's too late. He can't be helped now. But..
Even if he doesn't know how to deal with it, he can at least try.]
I don't remember agreeing to be your friend.
[But there's so little bite to it. It's... Leon being Leon, really, but almost softly.]
I... have decided on what I want to do while I am here. [While he's breathing. While he's alive.] We are going to work to find a way to return you to our world, so that you can properly save it.
[So that Stahn can fix the mistakes Leon made. So that Stahn can continue to live, because that's what Leon wanted all along.
But at least now, it's "we".]
That...is the decision I've made.
[But... But Stahn's right about one thing, and if there's one thing that has really been beaten into his thick skull now, it's:]
What you decide to do from here is...not up to me.
[Because just like Stahn has said so many times... it's not Leon's right to make Stahn's choices for him, as much as he might think they're harebrained or just going to bring him pain (or are just so hard to understand). Leon can't choose for him, but... he'd prefer to work together on this, after everything.]
no subject
Right. Together... like always. [he says, though his voice is weak as he does so. it's soft, and hoarse. it's tired, because everything about stahn is exhausted from how draining this has been. these last few months have been so draining, and fighting with leon constantly has only made it worse. he knows that there's still a lot he has to keep to himself; there's a good chance these things will continue to weigh on him until they're all out in the open. but like everyone has said: there are things to be done. he can't shirk his duties as a swordian master, or leave people hanging that need to be saved just because things are bothering him.
but being able to tell leon some of these things helps. the grieving can be replaced a little with healing now that he's drilled some of these things into leon's head. that they don't hate him. that they miss him. that rutee grieved, and stahn himself missed his best friend. he made it known just how deeply they all felt in the aftermath. and with leon not trying to refute the choices they've made, or force on him sentiments that never existed... that helps too. things are a little more honest, which makes the air a bit light.
sure, this isn't all he wants to do. stahn can strengthen his own resolve in trying to find a way to save leon too. he wants to give leon something to live for, and a place he can go—if there's some miraculous way for him to come back to their world, he'd grab it. but with so many other worlds out there... maybe there's another. maybe there's somewhere leon can go and live a new life, free of guilt and free of the burdens that hugo had left him with. these are things he can think about later. they're things he won't bring up to leon now, because they're both tired and overwhelmed, and it'll undoubtedly start a fight they're not ready to have yet. stahn may be dumb about some things, but that's not one of them. he can brainstorm with dymlos, and maybe even otome at some point about alternatives.
for now, it's dealing with what's in front of them.
...which honestly is pretty overwhelming even still.
and that's why stahn can't hold leon's gaze for very long. he tries, but so much energy and resolve leaves his body now that the worst of this situation his over that his head drops once more, and he covers his eyes with the crook of his elbow.]
What a relief... it's a relief... [there's a slightly muffled sob that comes along with this—it's really obvious just how much weight stahn has been bearing that even this much is enough to make him cry from the relief. he feels like he breathe again, if only a little. but he's relieved that they're working things out, that leon isn't just pushing him away. he's relieved that some of this stuff is just out in the open. stahn, who's always been open about his feelings. stahn, who still is a simple country boy that wears his heart on his sleeve... holding all of this back has been so stifling that it's no wonder he's being even more of a crybaby than usual.]
no subject
Leon was also slumping a little, relieved that this confrontation is at least somewhat finished and over with--after all, it was exhausting for him too. It was forcing each other to deal with the things they've been pushing away as much as possible. It was tackling these issues head-on, even though truthfully, Leon didn't want to.
But then again, they'd covered that already.
Leon's a coward. Nothing has really changed there. He's still a coward in a lot of ways, and he still doesn't want to have to deal with this at all. But he doesn't have a choice. He has to. This...is another burden for him to bear, because there's no running away from it now.
So he's decompressing a little, shoulders slumping when Stahn looks away, except then he's crying and that's pretty panic-inducing. Leon still doesn't know how to deal with a sobbing Stahn, that's for sure. So all he can really do is stare at him for a long moment, flustered, before he flails about for some sort of...thing to say.
What does one say to someone who's crying???]
Stahn, what are you--
[???!??!?? someone help him.]
no subject
But, gradually, things quiet down enough for her to venture out there, two mugs of green tea clutched in her hands-- which, upon a quick glance around, she places one on the table and hands the other to Leon.
And then she just quietly walks over to Stahn, reaching out to draw him into a hug. Sorry. Mommy instincts. She'll keep it a moderately loose embrace, in the chance that he'll want to break free a la Leon, but less irately. ]
no subject
so for a moment, he just embraces it, trying to choke back the sobs and overwhelming feelings that come with the situation on the whole. it's.... a little embarrassing, maybe, but stahn isn't the kind of person who lets knowing that stop him. it's a full expression of who he is and just how much he feels when it comes to the situations around him. that's why he stays that way until he calms a little. he still doesn't want to be burden on her—they've already been enough of one today, haven't they?]
I'm... okay. [he'll say, when he's finally ready to pull back. and he'll wipe at his eyes and draw in a quiet breath. this is hard but... he'll be okay, somehow. still, there's gratitude that comes along with this, though it's spoken quietly.] Thanks, Otome.
no subject
All Leon can do is sit there, feeling rather awkward and distressed, stewing in his thoughts and the things they've said. The things Stahn has said.
It's...been a lot, after all. It's a lot for him to process, but he's not sure he's really capable of handling Otome knowing about everything they were just talking about. He can't remember how explicit or how vague they were, and... well, Otome isn't giving any sign like this. He's glad, honestly, that she's there to take care of Stahn, because someone has to. It's just...he doesn't know what else to do.
Besides clutching the tea in his hands, staring down into it, downcast.]
no subject
I'm not going to ask what the two of you were talking about. But if there's anything I can do, please let me know.
[ She doubts they will, for varying reasons, but the offer is there. And it always will be.
At the very least, the air seems less oppressive around them. She can only be relieved about that. ]
no subject
...though he guesses she may have learned a few things that both of them have been tight-lipped about. but hearing her words, he knows that regardless, she won't just tactlessly ask. hopefully, it'll assauge leon's concerns too—stahn knows that if he's thinking about this, leon must be as well. but he hasn't really committed to looking over in leon's direction again just yet. he's still trying to regain a full handle on his composure. so instead, he leans forward to pick up the cup of tea that he couldn't a few minutes ago, drawing in a couple of quiet breaths.]
You've done a lot already. [stopping them from fighting out on the street, giving them a place to air their problems before they bottled hem again, being actual comfort... it's a lot, for someone who hasn't known them long. stahn appreciates it, of course, but he's not even sure what more she could do.]
no subject
Even if she's not going to ask, she's smart enough to draw some of her own conclusions, and...
Is she going to think less of him for it? He wonders, he really does. Stahn, somehow, doesn't, but Stahn is a strange case. Any normal person would think less of him for the choices that he's made, that much is obvious to Leon.
He still hasn't even sipped the tea, but it's convenient for him to stare into, hiding his face and keeping himself from having to speak. The air's been lightened a bit, yes, but in place of it now there's just a lot of exhaustion and a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of sadness as well, even if Leon will never admit to that one.]
no subject
But no. She knows enough about emotionally painful fights to additionally know that the end result is always draining. If they've gotten to that point, it's actually a promising sign. Then the important thing now is to give them time to rest and recover, isn't it? ]
Well, for the time being... I've said everything I wanted to say. You're both welcome to stay for dinner [ which will be takeout because Otome's cooking skills really do need work ] if you'd like, or as long as you need to.
[ Drink your tea, Leon. If nothing else, the air of disappointed disapproval she'd sported at the beginning is long gone. ]
no subject
[it's a generous offer, of course. and it's not like stahn really expects any less from otome when she's always presented herself as a caring and thoughtful person. but... really?]
I figured we caused you enough trouble for today already. [even if she's much gentler now than earlier, she'd been disappointed in them enough to intervene in a way they couldn't refuse. they came into her home and made a lot of noise with their fighting, and now that they're both just exhausted, they're taking up space.
(but he is hungry, so maybe it's obvious that he wants to take on her hospitality—mayb he's concerned the matter of dinner will spark another argument too.)
he doesn't want to inconvenience her, and he can already imagine that despite leon's silence, he feels much the same. he looks to her, and then finally (and maybe with a bit uncertainty) at leon. what should they do now?]
no subject
But in a way, he supposes he understands a bit better why now.
If Stahn was this upset over his death...
In response to Stahn's look, Leon ducks his head further, finally taking a sip of his tea so as to continue to avoid eye contact and also so as to not have to speak.
Leon how old are you]
no subject
It's hardly any trouble. I like company, but since I do live alone, I usually eat by myself too. A change of pace might be nice.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)