estoria | [closed] every path is nothing but pain and suffering

[Sano doesn't move, just stays there, leaning forward with his fist still connected to the floor, his chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath and any semblance of calm. He's angry, but still in enough control not to physically lash out at Heisuke.

Of course, he's already caused enough damage with his stupid mouth. He's made Heisuke cry.

Once again he fucked something up. It had only been a matter of time, really. But after all the years of being friends with Heisuke and Shinpachi, of being the unbreakable trio, it had almost felt like they would be different and that Sano could actually hang onto something.

Stupid. How could he have fooled himself so well?

Finally, he sits up straight again and exhales. When he speaks, his voice is quiet, as well, a stark contrast to how it had just been moments before.]

...Fine.

[He pushes himself to his feet.]

[ Where Sano thinks it's his fault, Heisuke's blaming himself. Friends weren't exactly something easily come by for him, especially given the circumstances surrounding his blood relations, so clearly the reason why everything is coming apart at the seams is because of something he did. He'd messed up the last friendship he'd had, so it was only a matter of time before this one went, too. He's honestly surprised it lasted as long as it did.

He's quiet as Sano gets to his feet, blinking hard to try and force the tears away, turning his head... and catching sight of the tea, sitting there cooling. He hadn't noticed it before. It wasn't anything they had there, which meant it had come from somewhere else. Something small and seemingly insignificant, but it makes the tears he's been trying to fight off spill over.

There's no sound from him as he gets to his feet, not even a whimper or sob. He messed up, and one of the best things that's ever happened to him in his relatively short life -from meeting Sano and Shin to every moment thereafter- is falling apart because of him. Everything he's ever done has been a jumble of regrets and second guesses, and this is no different.

...but...

Head down, eyes squeezed shut because the tears sting something fierce, Heisuke stumbles forward. One shaky step, then another, and another coming in rapid succession until he collides with Sano, hands grabbing at his clothes, fingers curling in the fabric and holding fast. It's only then that he lets himself cry.

...that second guess says that maybe he shouldn't be letting go just yet. ]

No, don't.

[ It's hard to speak, his words interspersed with sobs and sniffles. ]

...Please?

[He turns and starts to walk toward the door, his steps slow. And yet there's something at the back of his mind that whispers, as if he shouldn't leave just yet. But what else could he do? Yell some more? Cause Heisuke to cry some more? He can't do this right now, not when he's still upset. If he gives Heisuke some time, then maybe Sano will also have calmed down a little and they can attack this with clearer heads.

Yeah...maybe that's a better idea. Assuming they both get clearer heads.

It's when he's almost reached the door that a weight suddenly collides with his back, causing Sano to stumble for a second to keep his balance. And then he feels hot tears bleed through the fabric of his shirt against his skin. And that voice, broken with Heisuke's own emotions...

Sano's eyes fall closed and he stand there unmoving, unsure of how to feel about the sudden change of Heisuke's mind. But isn't it obvious as to how he should react? This is a second chance, isn't it?

He sighs.]

I can't really go anywhere anyway with you attached like that, now can I?

[The words are teasing, though the tone doesn't quite get there, too.]

[ He doesn't know whether those words are a good thing or a bad thing because the tone doesn't match up. He doesn't know whether Sano heard him, or even cared after everything else. All he knows is that if Sano walks through that door, then that's it. At the same time, he can't help shrinking back from him, forcing his hands to release their hold, forcing himself to step back and give him space.

He's scared, and he doesn't know what to do. ]

...sorry.

[ Hugging his arms around himself for lack of anywhere else to put them and in hopes he'll stop shaking, he lowers his head and stares at the floor, more unsure of himself right now than he's been in years. ]

I... I don't-- I don't want you to go.

[Heisuke extracts himself from Sano and, once again, Sano realizes how stupid he was to have not given a straight answer. Will he ever learn?

But he still doesn't move to leave, because he heard Heisuke, both before and now, and there's no way he could leave in good conscience and hope that things would mend themselves. Heisuke's a good kid with a good heart. Yes, he said some awful things, but didn't Sano go a little far, too? They're upset and when tempers rise, their intelligence levels drop. But Heisuke's words are genuine, Sano feels it more than anything, can tell the difference between play pouting and legitimate sadness.

Which is why he turns around and returns to stand in front of Heisuke.]

Then I won't go.

[Tugging the end of one of his sleeves over his hand, he reaches toward Heisuke's chin, lifting up his head enough for him to gently wipe any tears left behind.

And, quietly - ]

...I'm sorry, too. For this whole mess.

[ He doesn't move at all, half afraid that if he does, Sano will walk out. He's even resigned himself to losing yet another friend -or friends, because if Sano goes, Shinpachi will follow because he knows those two are closer to each other than he is to either of them.

...except Sano's not walking away.

Heisuke can feel his hand lifting his chin, can see the movement even, and as Sano starts to wipe away tears, he starts to worry, letting Sano finish speaking before saying anything himself. His voice is a bit rough and all parts quiet, but there's a hint of 'oh please no' in there as he stares at him with wide eyes, his face red from crying.

He'd completely forgotten about Sano and tears.]

If you kiss me, I'm punching you.

[Sano is about to dab at Heisuke's other cheek when that statement comes out. And his hand freezes in mid-air for a second before he lowers it and straightens up, frowning at Heisuke.

Because, really? He's getting accused of womanizing now? Heisuke, have you forgotten you're not a woman?]

I ain't gonna kiss you.

[Sighing yet again, he bends back down to continue what he started, mumbling "I try to do one nice thing" to himself. But as he does, Heisuke's words sink in some more.]

...Would you feel better if you did hit me?

Good, because that would be weird.

[ This time, he behaves, allowing Sano to wipe away the tears and not opening his mouth again just yet. He knows he's not a girl, but Sano acted weird before so he doesn't want to take chances.

Though, he has to think on that one. Would that make him feel better? Maybe... ]

...are you gonna hit me back, because if so, then no, I wouldn't feel better because I'd be really sore after.

One free hit.

[Satisfied with his tear-wiping, Sano straightens up and hooks his thumbs into the waist of his pants. He doesn't hesitate in giving the option a second time. With as much as he's launched Heisuke across the room before, it's really only right. Karma had to catch up eventually.

However...]

But just one. So if you do it, you better make it count.

No take-backs, okay? [ Deep breath ] Okay, here goes...

[ Biting his lower lip, Heisuke straightens up himself, looking Sano over before taking that one swing. Hey, he did say to make it count...

...so be grateful he's not wanting to be a dick about things because this one is landing at the lower part of his abdomen, right above poor Sano's crotch. ]

That totally counts.

No take-backs.

[Sano closes his eyes, keeping himself calm, but also mentally preparing for the abuse. Except he figures that Heisuke would go for his chest since it's an easy target and closer than, say, his face.

He also likes to think Heisuke wouldn't be cruel enough to go straight for the family jewels.

...But that hit is awfully close and also unexpected. As soon as the hit registers, Sano automatically tenses up in a means to try and keep things from hurting worse. Except it still hurts and he still gasps and he still stumbles back a few steps.]

Shit!

[He doubles over with his arms crossed low over his body, biting his lip to keep quiet.

Yep, that definitely counts.]

[ He's suddenly really glad Sano agreed to no take-backs, because he doesn't want to think of how hard he'd get hit in return. Well, that and because although Sano isn't Shinpachi, he's still muscular, and Heisuke isn't nearly as strong physically as either of them, so his hand is starting to sting from the blow.

Dammit, Sano, even in a free shot, it still ends up hurting! ]

...are you okay?

[Just give him a second. Give him a second to back up against the wall and just...regain his composure.]

Yeah.

[Okay. Okay, straighten up now...rub the hurt first but straighten up...]

Yeah, I'm great.

[ Oh man, now he feels bad, which is why he lowers his head, shoulders slumping as he grinds his toes into the floor. Sano had said it was a free shot, so why does he feel so bad about it? ]

...you can hit me back if you want. I'm kinda used to getting knocked around by you, so it's okay.

[Sano raises his head to look at Heisuke again, but shakes his head in response.]

I got no reason to.

[Heisuke did nothing wrong, not just now, and not back during the ghost debacle. But Sano still doesn't quite know where they stand regarding all that crap, whether they're okay, on the way to being okay, or still bad. He runs a hand over his hair after a minute.]

Heisuke...I am sorry. For all that happened.

[ He doesn't understand. Of course Sano has a reason to! After everything Heisuke said to him, that should be reason enough. The moment he makes mention of the 'for all that happened', though, he brings his arms up to hug around himself, withdrawing a bit. The emotional burn is still there, but... ]

...It's okay, I guess. I mean... 's not your fault, y'know?

[On the other hand, what Heisuke had said to Chizuru was very much his fault, and he wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to him again after that. ]

[...No. No, Heisuke, don't retreat again.

Sano wants to reach out, to do something to keep Heisuke close, to just comfort him, but it seems that whatever he ends up doing only hurts Heisuke more. What is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to say?

He doesn't know.

But he lowers himself down the floor, wincing a little bit as he goes, and tries to think of something, anything.]

But it doesn't feel okay.

[ Wait, whoa, what are you doing, Sano? ]

Sa-- Sano-san...?

[ Almost immediately, Heisuke drops to the floor in dogeza, his hair fanning out on the ground. He doesn't like this. He doesn't like the not feeling okay, but he's terrible at fixing things, so instead he does the first thing that comes to mind. It's not a normal response, a bit extreme really, and he knows that, but he wants to show him that he's truly sorry for what he did. ]

I'm... I'm sorry. For all of it. I'm sorry. If you wanna yell at me or hit me or walk out, it's okay, just... don't be mad? Please?

[ And if he runs into Chizuru, she's getting the same apology. ]

[No, what are you doing, Heisuke??

Sano frowns, clearly confused, though Heisuke can't see it right now. But he stares for a second, then scoots forward a little bit so he can reach out and flick the top of Heisuke's head.]

Hey, c'mon, what are you doing? Who said I was mad?

[ He waits patiently for whatever sentence Sano deems worthy, and he can hear him moving, but the flick to his head was not expected, nor the words that followed. Sano should've been upset with him at the very least, not this. Heisuke doesn't understand!

Lifting his head so that he can look up at him, Heisuke stares at him in confusion, clearly not getting it. ]

But...!

[ Slowly, very slowly, he sits back, still trying to puzzle this out. ]

Why wouldn't you be?

[But what's not to get here? Sighing, Sano sits back, as well.]

'Cause if I'm gonna be mad, it's gonna be at someone who deserves it, not you. You didn't do anything wrong.

[Then he gently pats his abdomen where Heisuke hit him moments before.]

'Cause I asked for this. And...

[...Gods, now this is getting into Sapville. Don't judge him, Heisuke.]

...And 'cause you're one of my best friends. I don't wanna let some stupid misunderstanding get in the way of that.

Then... that's why I'm sorry.

[ Oh yeah? Two can take the trip into Sapville! ]

'cause before you guys, I didn't really have any friends. Well, not any I didn't chase away...an' I don't wanna lose that, y'know?

[ This is confusing and he doesn't understand friendship half the time, but screw it. If Sano says he's not mad, then fine, he's not either. ]

[It suddenly doesn't make sense as to why they're even confused or were fighting in the first place. If they're friends and they want to stay friends and neither of them are mad, then...

Then what was the big deal about?

They're okay, right?]

Heh. It's me an' Shinpachi. You ain't gonna just chase us away. I don't think you could even beat us off with a big broom. You're kinda stuck with us.

[...Ah, wait.]

No, that sounds kinda bad, doesn't it? I mean, as long as you wanna be friends, then we're gonna be.

[Because they like Heisuke for who he is. It's as simple as that.]

[ That's a small, hesitant smile spreading across his face, even as he ducks his head and fidgets nervously. ]

I don't mind... Being stuck with you guys, I mean, but...

[ His words trail off and his eyes drop back to the floor, the smile fading. For all that Sano says it, he can't help feeling nervous. He's never really talked about this with any of them, always just claimed to be some ronin. Hell, maybe they already know, but it's one thing to figure it out and another to have it confirmed. ]

The last one kinda ratted me out to everybody and told me not to talk to him again after I offered to help him and his family out if they needed it. I mean, it was just me and my mom, so the money we got from my father wasn't exactly used up all that fast, but I guess he didn't like the idea that we weren't scraping to get by, y'know? I just... don't really want that to happen again.

[Sano watches Heisuke's face closely, his heart lifting at the sight of that smile, however hesitant it is, but then it fades so quickly. But Sano watches and he listens, like he always does when it really matters. It's clear that Heisuke has a lot weighing on him, even more than Sano actually knew about.

But don't they all have things hanging over them? Things they'd not always like to talk about or think about. It sucks, but that's a part of life. They just have to figure out how to deal with it all. And since Heisuke has chosen to be this honest with Sano, there's no way he'd show the other man away. Besides, from Sano's viewpoint, this worry of Heisuke's isn't some big, tragic stumbling block in their friendship. It's just a part of his life.

So he gets up and retrieves the two cups of tea (now cold, unfortunately) and sets one down in front of Heisuke before settling back down beside him this time.]

Sounds like it was a pride issue more than anything. Some people are like that, though. And I get it. Pride's an important thing. But it can be a real stupid thing, too.

[He sips some of his tea and makes a face, setting the cup down without a word.]

'Cause if you're gonna choose pride over a friend, then you're the biggest fool out there. But what I don't get is why would you wanna choose anything superficial over a friend. If it's money or power or your own damn pride, none of that's gonna be there with you to share a stupid joke or a drink. None of that's gonna watch your back unconditionally. None of that's actually fulfilling. You know?

[Sano drapes his arm around Heisuke's shoulders, tugging him close.]

Now, if you think me an' Shinpachi are gonna give a shit 'cause you're apparently loaded, then say it right now. Otherwise, you gotta know that we like you 'cause we like you. That's it.

[closed] every path is nothing but pain and suffering

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