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Entry tags:
[closed] every path is nothing but pain and suffering
Who: Harada Sanosuke ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ohspearme & various other people (starters below)
When: Up to about a week after the event? So ICly end of October, beginning of November
Where: All over the place
What: Sano gets to play damage control after the disaster that was his body-snatching. And also go drinking. A lot.
Rating/Warning: ANGST, booze, probably language, possibly violence???
ohspearme & various other people (starters below)When: Up to about a week after the event? So ICly end of October, beginning of November
Where: All over the place
What: Sano gets to play damage control after the disaster that was his body-snatching. And also go drinking. A lot.
Rating/Warning: ANGST, booze, probably language, possibly violence???
no subject
I'm shitfaced, tha's what.
[Which isn't technically wrong, but it's not the current cause for his mood. But Shinpachi doesn't need to know that, right? And while he knows he can't walk out without a problem, he still starts to walk in that direction. Or stumble, rather.]
An'...An' if we stay out too late, Hijikata-san'll gut us both.
[...Well. Okay. Now that it's said out loud, Sano laughs a little bit because. Well. That's not exactly a scary threat.]
Whatever. Who's payin'?
no subject
Good thing he has someone looking out for him. Shinpachi turns to the bartender, handing over some cash, as if he's answering Sano's question for him. He'll take care of it this time - Sano will probably not even be able to count the money. ]
Keep the change, just make sure there's a new one of those for me next time. [ POINTING AT HIS HALF-FULL GLASS THAT SANO SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED HIM FROM..
But the bartender just nods, and Shinpachi's already moving over to where the redhead is standing a moment later, moving to sling Sano's arm over his shoulders to support him that way as they start to leave the bar. ]
You don't stop laughing that easily usually even when your ass is drunk as shit, y'know. [ He brings it up again after they've managed to make it out of the building - lightly, not with as much odd concern as he feels about what just happened. ]
no subject
...Ah, outside. It's quiet. Sure, there's muffled music and chatter from within the surrounding buildings which kind of ruins the moment, but beggars can't be choosers, here. It's quieter and the air is fresher and Sano takes a second - in reality, probably quite a few seconds - to glance upward at the sky -
Which turns out to be disappointing. He can't see any stars.
He can't see stars and Shinpachi is asking him something and so he focuses back on the ground, making sure his feet don't trip them up.]
Y'sayin' I can't be serious? I can be serious. Serious as Saitou, that can be me.
[That's not true at all, even if he tried really hard, but it's obvious he's trying to divert Shinpachi's attention away from the real issue here. Whatever that is.
But while the air doesn't help him sober up, not by a longshot - he's way too drunk for something so simple to have an effect - he still somehow feels more somber and so as they pass close to a wall, Sano reaches out and drags his fingers across it. His fingers are pretty numb so it doesn't really register when his callouses catch, however slightly, on the uneven surfaces.]
...I just wanted t'get outta there.
[Now, there is truth in that, more than anything he's said so far on the topic.]
no subject
This is no different. Or so Shinpachi wants to think, but there's something drunk about Sano. Sometimes he's half fallen asleep during their trek home, sure, but when he doesn't, he's loud and laughing and bragging about his scar or other amazingly made up stories.
He's not quiet. He's not like this - sometimes when he's sober, maybe, but not while drunk.
It's weird, especially coupled with the words, but Shinpachi does try to smooth most of his concern over with a smile so Sano won't realise he's worried so easily. ]
Outta there? Out of the bar? [ He almost makes a show of sounding incredulous, just to spur Sano on a little bit more, get the redhead to spill some more of what's on his mind. ] Man, you've gotta be kidding me! When has Harada Sanosuke ever wanted to leave a bar, huh?
[ .. or, well.. prematurely, anyway.]
Who are you and what've ya done to my best friend?
no subject
And, well, he's definitely spurring Sano on. Though it may not immediately seem like the way Shinpachi wants.
Frowning and growling deep in his throat, Sano pushes himself off of Shinpachi.]
It's still me, y'idiot!
[But without his human crutch, Sano stumbles a little bit, reaching out for the nearest wall so he can just lean against it for a while. And he does, letting his head fall back as he closes his eyes against the spinning of the world.]
I jus'...didn' wanna see that lady an' that guy.
[Normally it wouldn't even bother him. He'd feel a pang of envy, sure, but he'd also be able to ignore it and focus on other things. But in his current drunken state, he's not quite able to keep his emotions under control.
And with the way certain things went down the week before...]
Reminds me that I can still feel it.
no subject
But he gives the other man his space, at least, blinking a little in confusion at his confession about the lady and the guy. It was something so unimportant to Shinpachi that he even has to think "what lady??" for a moment before he realises Sano must mean the one that fell on the bar and the guy that pulled her away. ]
So that's it..?
[ Shinpachi reaches up with his hand to scratch the back of his neck a little awkwardly, like he's trying to pull stuff together here. It's not as easy for a guy with a completely different mindset to understand this stuff, okay, but he's at least trying.
Sano's his friend - there's no way in hell he can just ignore it if he knows something is bothering him. ]
Feel what, though-- does this have anything to do with that mess from a little bit ago?
no subject
[And no, Shinpachi, he doesn't mean the lady from the bar.]
Even...even though it wasn't really me an' it wasn't really Chizuru, but I -
[Sano cuts himself off abruptly, his eyes shooting open, and he knows he's said too much. There's no way he can backtrack from that, nor is there any believable excuse his alcohol-soaked mind can come up with on the fly. Where's Saitou when you need him...
So he huffs out a breath and drags a hand roughly through his hair.]
Don't...just forget 'bout that.
[He really is drunk. But that doesn't stop him from pushing himself from the wall and staggering a few steps forward. They just have to get back to the apartment. And maybe the drinks Shinpachi has had will wash away the stupidity that's just leaked out of Sano's mouth.]
no subject
Woah, woah, woah, wait. Shinpachi couldn't see jack shit for that entire time period, so he's missed a lot of stuff.. he did know that Sano's body and Chizuru's body (although he didn't even know those were their bodies, at first, until invisible Sano had told him) had hung out together and seemed a little.. off... He still didn't know it was that kind of off.
Hence why his mouth drops open a little in surprise for a moment. Yeah, alcohol or not, he definitely got that one through to his brain. It's not like he's been drinking as much as Sano has, anyway. Nope, he realises fully well what Sano said, and it's not like he can forget it that easily.
Especially since Shinpachi's intelligence is kicking in for once here. Since they kissed, but it wasn't them, but if Sano is still thinking about it.. well, then that's telling enough for him.
.. excuse him for a moment though when he grabs Sano by the shoulders to hold him up the moment it seems like he'll just fall straight forward onto his face after a few steps. Husband's safety first, realisations later.. ]
You.. [ He still sounds amazed about it, but-- ] You-- like Chizuru-chan? In that way?!
[ Good god, Shinpachi, how long did it take you to arrive to that concluision after all this time. ]
no subject
Except why would it kick in? Nothing easy ever happens when Shinpachi's involved and he's made such a huge mistake that it's all bound to come crashing back down onto him tenfold, surely. Why did he say anything? Why did he go out drinking when he's still emotional - over a lot of things - in the first place? He's brought this on himself and now he's going to have to deal with the consequences, even if he'd really rather not. Why can't they just pretend nothing happened?
Or he can trip over a crack in the road and start making his way down to the pavement. Yeah, maybe a good hit to his head can clear it up. So with his body not moving very fast in the bracing himself department anyway, Sano just closes his eyes and waits for impact.
Except what he gets instead is his best friend being so damned reliable. As he always is. Sano lets himself be pulled upward, leans against Shinpachi, even. He doesn't even fight the words he says.
But they do feel weird to him. He's never said it out loud, to anyone else or even to himself. He hasn't even thought the words so straightforward and coherently in his own mind, but now here they are, hanging around the both of them like a thick fog.
He likes Chizuru.
And it's bad. It's bad for so many reasons. Because he hasn't been able to prove himself worthy of even taking care of her time after time, both in Kyoto and in these stupid worlds where nothing makes sense. Because these places aren't the places he should even be worried about such a far-off dream. Because Heisuke likes her, too. Because now Shinpachi knows he's a romantic softy and he'll never hear the end of it.
He doesn't know where to start. He doesn't want to start. He wants to rewind time to just five stupid minutes ago and bypass this entire thing. But he can't, so Sano instead just slides down Shinpachi's body until he's kneeling on the ground, defeated.
A sad excuse for a laugh leaves his lips, though.]
Yeah, it's...it's stupid. Just forget it.
no subject
After all, this is his best friend. This is Harada Sanosuke. How can he sit here slumped on the ground, all upset over the fact that he likes the girl hanging around on their compound? He gets female attention all the time, he was always flirting even with Chizuru, so what's the big deal? It can't just be like this since he's drunk off his ass, right? Especially since there's something genuine about the words rather than just being exaggerated.
And Shinpachi? Shinpachi doesn't get it. Of course he doesn't. This is something beyond him.
And moreover? This can't be something that just started because Sano sort-of-almost kissed her here. Sano's not like that. Despite what Shinpachi usually talks about, he knows Sano's not actually that flighty, but.. then that means he's been thinking about it for longer and he's never even given Shinpachi as much of a hint about it.
.. It stings a little. Especially with how open Shinpachi himself is - is there anything he's ever hidden from Sano? Just the thing about almost all of them dying in the future, but everything else.. that he kissed Leanne, that he had to put down Kondou, even back home, about his family, about why he decided to leave his domain behind..
And this didn't come out until Sano was drunk off his ass, slumped on the ground, laughing pathetically - it's like a rock drops in his stomach.
It's heavy. ]
Sano..
[ The name comes across his lips with an emotion attached it that's hard to place as he looks down at the redhead. ]
"Forget it"? How can I just forget about it, huh?! When have I ever told you to forget anything?!
[ Even when he said stuff that he later apologized for since they were in a fit of morally righteous rage, even when he might have said stuff he regretted while he was drunk.. Shinpachi never takes anything back.
That's how he lives, after all. He accepts everything without regrets.
And maybe it's unfair to yell at Sano now, when he's so drunk and looks so pathetic, but that only fuels the feeling that slowly starts to burn in Shinpachi more. This isn't Sano. This isn't how Sano is supposed to be - his best friend, Sano who burns with life and spirit and rage and passion. Sano who fights and laughs and listens--
Okay, so maybe alcohol really isn't a good idea during important talks. Especially not since it sets off Shinpachi's instinctive emotional reactions even more easily. ]
If you're really that goddamn upset about it, why didn't you just tell me before so I could help?!
[ Because that's what always occurs to him when something is wrong with him. He always yells to Sano, he never even thought twice about not doing that. So why didn't his best friend do the same with him? Is it something about him? Is it because he's a shitty friend and by some miracle he didn't even realise that fact for years? ]
no subject
Right now, Sano is too drunk to really focus on which version Shinpachi is displaying right now. He believes they'll be okay, they always have been in the past, even if it will take just a couple hours to get over themselves or a couple days. And yet there's still that niggling doubt in the back of his head because Sano does have this bad habit of eventually ruining whatever he touches.
But the thought of losing Shinpachi's friendship is too much. He can't even think about it for more than a second, and on top of everything else that's happening right now...
He can't even argue Shinpachi's points. He's not saying anything wrong. All Sano can really do is tell the truth, though he knows it won't placate Shinpachi. He's not sure anything he can say will, to be honest. It will just take time, now, and Sano hopes it won't be too long a stretch of it.]
I don't...I don't talk 'bout myself. You know that. I don' like doin' it.
[But the longer he kneels there, the more his alcohol-soaked mind tries to think and finally he believes he comes up with a solution of sorts. So he raises his hands toward Shinpachi, silently asking to be helped up.
Words aren't as effective for guys like them, Sano knows this, especially knows this about Shinpachi. If they're going to fight, then it might as well be on a battlefield where they can actually understand each other better.]
Y'can hit me if you want.
[Just not in the stomach. Don't make him puke.]
no subject
But he doesn't. Not yet, anyway. He manages to keep the anger boiling just inwardly enough that he isn't being completely violent on the outside just yet, although he's still threading a very thin line here. His temper might not be lightning fast like Sano's, but the moment it starts boiling, it boils and everyone knows it.
But instead comes the offer from Sano. And his hand.
And Shinpachi has never seen that hand and thought twice about grabbing it. Whether it was because they were sparring, because Sano was too much of a lazy ass to get up in the morning (although that was usually more often the other way around), because Sano was too drunk to get up, because they had been arguing just like now and got into a physical fight over it.. no matter when it was, he's always grabbed that hand right away. Because it's Sano, his best friend, the person who's always understood him the most. How couldn't he?
But now he just stares at it for a moment or two, feeling like there's lead in his stomach. If Sano didn't tell him about these things, then what other things hasn't he told him about? It's true that Sano doesn't talk about himself, but.. it's more of a fact than something Shinpachi consciously realised before. He had always been so busy talking about himself and his problems that it never really occurred much to him that Sano told relatively little in return whenever there was a different topic.
But this is a very direct way of making him think about it. It feels more like he's been punched in the fact, honestly. Because he didn't realise all this time, and he can't even make up a single excuse for it, since it's just a fact that he didn't realise since he never really thought about it. Even at the moments when he did ask Sano if something was wrong or up, the other had never really told him, so he just assumed everything would be fine, but.. without realising it, something like this still cropped up.
After that moment of hesitation, he does grab the hand, pulling the redhead up until he's standing on both feet again, and then lets go.
But no punch follows.
Because Sano is right - Shinpachi has two kinds of anger. And if it was the first, he would have decked Sano right in the face for all of this. But it's not - it's the second. He's not as much angry as he's hurt that his friend would keep stuff from him, even if it's for a reason like that, he's not as much angry as he's mad at himself for never even really thinking much of it until now. ]
Is it really gonna change anything if I punch you?
[ Usually, maybe. Usually they always solve their arguments like this, by just punching it out. It's a way of life. ]
Whether I punch you or not.. it ain't like you're ever gonna tell me more, right? [ His voice doesn't sound more calm than just now though, even though he's not yelling anymore - his tone is still louder than the average tone would be, but that's it. But even so, there's a layer of anger underneath it that seems like it could burst out any moment. A layer of hurt. His voice practically shakes.
Because it means that even if Sano is ever hurting, he can't do a goddamn thing about it since he won't know, and that stings for someone who's so morally rigid - even when it comes to friendship and doing what's right for those. ]
No matter what happens.. I'm gonna look like a moron.
no subject
Even though he's back on his feet and Shinpachi isn't yelling, he knows he's still in deep shit. This isn't one of those times he can just tell Shinpachi to go walk around and blow off steam. He's realizing now this is definitely the more dangerous kind of anger, the kind that takes a more delicate approach to deal with.
Sano's too drunk for delicacy. Hell, even when he's sober, he's not the best choice for this sort of thing.
But it's also clear that this is going to be their battlefield. Not physical contact, no beating out the insecurities or hurts with bruises they can laugh about the next day. No, these wounds now are going to run deeper and scar on their skin and if he's not careful, if they ever glimpse those wounds, then it will just bring up these bad feelings all over again.
Shinpachi's hurting and it's Sano's fault, even if he never thought his actions would take them this far. Which is more important, his personal comfort or his best friend?
...Does he even have to ask himself that?]
Shinpachi...
If anyone's the moron here, it's me. 'Cause no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. Back when I cut myself open, that was a mistake. Then here I almost screwed up things with Heisuke for good. I haven't...
[Gods, he wants to be honest with Shinpachi and talk about more, but it's so hard. It's so hard to just spill when he's so used to keeping everything inside.]
Y'know why I do it, right? Why I keep things to myself. 'Cause I think it's better if I don't worry anyone. An' I...I don't want anyone to think less o'me I'm not...actually big, tough, Harada Sanosuke. Not really.
god these keep turning out so long i'm so sorry...
He doesn't want this. He doesn't want to hear him halt in the middle of his sentence like that, threatening to fall back just on the brink of actually saying something for once - and then when Sano does continue, the rest of the words seem to make even less sense to him. Sure, it sounds like Sano, not wanting to make anyone worry, wanting everyone to feel comfortable (he's always been a lot better at that than Shinpachi, who more or less does want the same but lets his own stubborn ideals and motivations and convictions get inbetween it always, case in point right here), but even so.. ]
Why..? Why do you even think that'd happen?
[ He slowly starts a moment or two after Sano's words have died out and the deafening silence threatens to fall straight down upon them - and Shinpachi's gaze shifts back towards those amber eyes. ]
Don't I always talk to you 'bout everything? Does that make you worry about me? Does it make you think of me less? [ Because Shinpachi knows there's all reason to, with the kind of stuff he says. Because he criticises Kondou, who everyone - including Shinpachi himself - loves. Because he saw the good in Serizawa, who everyone absolutely hated. Because he doesn't bother to shut up about things, even when they might be hurtful towards people.
Because he, too, has problems, and Sano knows all but one of them thoroughly - but he doubts it makes Sano think less of him. Even if he doesn't talk that much, he's still not someone who deceives himself to that degree. If he'd dislike Shinpachi for it, he wouldn't hang out with him the way he does, he wouldn't laugh with him and cover his back unconditionally.
And Shinpachi himself.. would he think less of Sano, if the roles were reversed? If Sano was the one talking to him about all his problems...
There's no way, right? Sano might say that he's not big and tough, but he is. Of course he still is. Even if he has problems, he's still just as great to Shinpachi. Because the fact that he worries or has problems doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's a menace on the battlefield, that's one of the few people who can even hope to keep up with Shinpachi in a fight, even if it's with a spear. It doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's a captain of the Shinsengumi. It doesn't detract anything from the fact that he's still always been there to listen to him, even when he must've been struggling with his own troubles. What, does he think he's just not allowed to have any problems of his own at all or Shinpachi will stop thinking of him highly? What kind of friendship would that be?
The thought only makes him flare up more, and in a flash his hands are on Sano's top, clutching the fabric on both sides tightly in his hands, dragging the other guy closer to him - Shinpachi's usual emotional gesture of choice, but at least in this situation it also helps keep both of them upright in varying stages of being drunk. ]
So.. So what if you have some trouble too?! You think that's gonna make me think worse of you..?! [ Never. No way in hell. Sano would have to burn down half of a city before Shinpachi will consider fully changing his mind about the guy - but he knows Sano wouldn't even be capable of that. ] Whether you share your troubles or not doesn't make you any more or less of a man, y'know!
[ His hands are still shaking, although he's not entirely sure if it's because of his emotions or just the fact that the alcohol is starting to get more and more to his head as well the more he gets worked up. Not like he can stop it by now anyway - not even Shinpachi's capable of stopping himself once he gets into an emotional fit. ]
You are Harada Sanosuke, and you'll stay Harada Sanosuke! That's why.. that's why I wanna know if something's up with you, so I can help you the way you help me..! [ Or does Sano think he's really that selfish of a guy? Another tug on the fabric. ] Because we're best friends, and..
[ His voice almost cracks a little. It's not really just anger anymore. Maybe desperation, too. Maybe just Shinpachi being a big softy, like Sano always says, maybe Shinpachi getting more and more drunk on his own fit and the alcohol. Because-- ]
And.. you're the guy I wanna stick together with 'till the end, dammit..!
[ --Because for all he knows, Sano could apparently drop dead in the next battle they're in once they arrived back in Kyoto, and Shinpachi never would have been able to understand jack shit of what was troubling one of the people he cares for the most. ]
no apologies I love theeeeem
Except he's the one who brought Shinpachi to this point. And there's nothing good about seeing his best friend so upset.
But still, Sano remains silent, taking the abuse, for once unsure of where to go from here. All he can do at the moment is raise his hands to Shinpachi's wrists, gently wrapping his fingers around them. But he doesn't tear Shinpachi away, just physically and silently reinforces the fact that he's still there and for now he's not going anywhere. Even if Shinpachi's upset and it's Sano's fault, he'll still do what he can to be a constant.
But then the time comes when he has to do something. And he doesn't know where to start. It's so easy to just fall back into their old ways, where he listens to Shinpachi rant and rave until he's exhausted himself and then never say a word on his own inner feelings. It's so easy. But easy isn't always the best action.
And if he wants to get Shinpachi back, he needs to take a pretty big step on this new path. Even if he doesn't want to. Even if what he's about to confess hurts him and embarrasses him so, so much. He needs to do this. His voice, however, is quiet, small, very much owing to how this isn't Sano's forte.]
...I got my ass kicked at Toba-Fushimi.
[His hands tighten a little on Shinpachi's wrists.]
I couldn't...I couldn't do anything to protect Chizuru, not against Shiranui. She even tried to protect me, but I still just...
[His voice drops to a whisper.]
...I can't forgive myself for that. I failed so bad.
no subject
Even when the hands curl around his wrists. Maybe especially then. Because even when his hands shake from the tension, it's Sano's calmer grip that keeps them even remotely steady. It's only then that he can swallow enough to blink away the faint tears that were starting to form in the corners of his eyes, much like they always do when he gets over the top emotional. Like a kid, almost - but that's just how emotionally genuine Shinpachi is.
But then, slowly but steady, something happens that he didn't expect.
Sano talks.
Sano talks about something that sounds very heavy for him, heavier than pretty much anything else he's ever told Shinpachi. Something from the future, he knows, since Sano did mention Toba-Fushimi before, he just didn't mention any details.
And in a sense, Sano is right - because a part of Shinpachi does believe in the mental image he has of a practically unbeatable Sano. Sano who might lose a spar to him at times, but who would never fall that bad in battle. So of course he didn't even think of this possibility of something that was dragging the other down. But it does make sense. If there's anything that would weigh down on a warrior like them, it'd be a crushing loss like that. Especially when protecting something important. Especially when it's someone you love - he thinks of the brief panic he felt when Leanne got hurt back in ViViD, and for once he can actually understand Sano on that field.
He doesn't let go of Sano, but the grip gets a little less tight. ]
.. They're demons.
[ His own voice is softer too now. It's still a little raw from the yelling just now, but it's at least still understandable. ]
None of us have been able to fight them that way-- even Souji got his ass kicked. [ And that's saying a lot, considering Souji is one of the few people Shinpachi will actually consider a better swordsman than himself. The best in the Shinsengumi, probably. ] If it was me, it would've been the same. It would've been the same if it was anyone.
[ He knows it probably doesn't help much. It doesn't change the outcome, after all. But what else is he supposed to say? ]
I mean.. yeah, it sucks. I've been beaten by less over important stuff too, and it sucks. [ That night with Saitou, in the rain-- ] But.. it's not your fault. We're just human.
no subject
[His voice is still quiet - or at least the drunk equivalent - and his gaze drops to the ground between them. While his words are honest, they're not what he would have wanted to say normally. Because it's such a negative sentiment and not one he wants to throw at Shinpachi, even if his friend can share that burden. But he's already thrown it out there. He can't take it back. Even if he tried to brush it off and say it was nothing, Shinpachi is already too attuned to the fact that Sano's troubled. It would never work. He can only go forward from here.]
I get that we fight 'cause that's all we can do, but...
[He thinks back, however hazily, on the years that Chizuru has been with the Shinsengumi and all the terrible things they've seen, the pain she's had to witness. The times her life had been put in danger because the Shinsengumi just wasn't quite strong enough to keep Kazama and the others at bay. And though Chizuru never complains and just tries her best to stay out from underfoot and to do what little she can to comfort them...
If they can't - if Sano can't - protect her, then - ]
She deserves better than this.
[He doesn't want her to leave, though, even if he would let her, even if he would help her get out if she really wanted it, but the guilt of keeping her trapped where she's not completely safe is just as terrible. Sighing, Sano releases Shinpachi's wrists and leans forward to drop his head on Shinpachi's shoulder.]
...I don't know how you do this all the time. It's exhausting.
[You've barely even said anything, Sano...]
no subject
Especially not with how defeated he looks as he says it. It's very different than the Sano he's used to, so tired and hollow.
Honestly, it just means he'll have to keep an eye on it more in the future. Sano can handle himself just fine, he's convinced of that even after this, but.. he at least needs his best friend to look a little after him in that sense. If Sano won't talk about shit he should be airing, then Shinpachi will make him air it. As hard as it is for him with how oblivious he can be to the small things.. well, if it's for Sano, then why wouldn't he try his damnest? It's the least the other deserves.
So Shinpachi smiles - a little bit, not as wide as usually, since all of this is heavy - and slowly removes his hands off Sano's clothes to instead put a hand on the back of that head that's leaning against him. Almost like a parent might do to an upset child, really. And Sano's last words actually do bring a small amused sound across his lips. ]
Why do you think it comes in bursts? No one can survive doing that shit all the time. Well, except maybe me.
[ At least he tries to keep the mood light like that..
His voice is a little softer now too though - probably since he doesn't want to yell in the other's ear with it being so close, or maybe so Sano can keep his dignity in case anyone wanders by, so they at least won't overhear the conversation. (Instead they'll just look really homo as always, standing here like this.) ]
'sides, this is enough for now. You don't have to throw it out all at once. Just.. [ ... ] Just remember I'm here for you, 'kay? I know you're just gonna call me a softy and make fun of me forever again when you're sober, but I'm exactly s'posed to be here so you don't have to deal with that stuff alone. Whether it's about demons, or battles, or problems, or.. well, even women, even if you know I'm not good with that.. I'll be the one to listen these times. And help too, since you know what I'm like. Can't sit still and all.
That's called [ bromance ] friendship, y'know.
no subject
Because, just like Sano has known for as long as they've been friends, Shinpachi's still here for him. Even if they had to fight a little to get to this point. Even if Sano hasn't been completely honest up to this point. Even if Shinpachi has his own lady now.
(Sano remembers his first best friend and how things between the two of them had ended when his friend fell in love and ran off with a woman.)
And, no, he wouldn't usually want to be seen like this, vulnerable and leaning - physically and emotionally - on his best friend, but that hand on his head is somehow comforting and he can't help but lift his arms and grasp the fabric on Shinpachi's back. Tightly. As if to tell Shinpachi never to leave, even though he knows his friend wouldn't do it by choice.]
...You're my best friend, Shinpachi.
[I love you, man.]
But I dunno, you're doin' better'n me on the woman front last I looked.
[He's still amazed by that, to be honest.]
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(He feels those hands clinging to his back, and he's practically sure of it in this moment. There's no way Sano would just let him leave the Shinsengumi all by himself. Sano leaves with him in the future, and that's how they both survive the war.
Sano's just got to be the other survivor, there's no other way.)
Shinpachi lets out a small laugh though at that last statement. ]
Yeah. Dunno how that happened either. [ At least he's honest, since he is at least that self-aware.. he knows he doesn't really have a lot of Sano's good qualities that women seem to like about him. But he seems to have done something right with Leanne, anyway. ] Maybe it's since I don't fall for girls who're sticking around 300 men all day long.
[ It's a small joke though, little more than a light tease. He's just doing his best, since.. well, honestly, this is probably the first time that it's been Sano who was leaning (metaphorically) on him rather than the other way around outside of battle. And he's not about to immediately ruin this new development, especially when it's better for Sano, too.
It's why he breathes in, and-- ]
So next time you're gonna kick some demon ass, take me along too, got it? What's there that the two of us couldn't at least try to tackle before, huh..? [ Sure, they might not be able to beat a demon either with the two of them, but at least their chance is no longer just impossible, period, end of sentence.
It's the only answer he can provide, after all, even if it took a moment. ]