estoria | [closed] every path is nothing but pain and suffering

[ He's just going to reach up and slowly pull his hair out from under the little croc, tucking it down beneath the covers with him. Nobody's gonna grab his hair if he has anything to say about it, because dammit, that hurts!

And after it's been safely tucked away as much as possible, he rolls over to turn his back on Sano with a grumble. ]

No you don't. I mean, you really kinda made that clear before.

[ Except he couldn't hear then, and couldn't really follow what was going on, and hasn't revisited anything since.

His voice is a bit muffled as he hugs his pillow tighter, the sound a bit shaky because he really didn't want to deal with this yet. He doesn't know how to deal with it. He's always just backed off and run away when best-friendships went sour before.

He's spent time around Hijikata -they all have- but the effects of being around that mouth of their lovely demon vice-commander has are beginning to show. ]

That really fucking hurt, y'know. And what the hell did I do to you to deserve that, huh?

[Sano watches as Heisuke retreats under his blankets. And he notices exactly how Heisuke shifts to turn his back on Sano. It's not necessary; Sano already feels terrible for everything, so that added emotional distance cuts more. And he wants to reach out and tug Heisuke back toward him, to keep him close, because at least that way he'd still have his hands on the situation. As it is right now, he can see in his mind Heisuke just burrowing and rolling farther and farther away until he's gone.

But at the same time, clinging onto him against Heisuke's wishes would only cause the younger man to fight back. Because Heisuke is stubborn when he's sure of something.

But gods, Sano's hands itch to hold onto something. Or else he fears he'll just be stupid again and again and ruin another friendship. But he's got nothing right now. All he can do is tell the truth.]

That wasn't me. And before you yell at me, I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's not. Just like you couldn't hear and Shinpachi couldn't see, I didn't have my body. I was nothing but a voice and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

[ Unfortunately, there's nobody else around to back that truth. He couldn't hear anything, but it still sounds too farfetched. ]

Yes it was. I saw you.

[ Curling up tighter with his pillow, Heisuke grits his teeth to keep from exploding on Sano. It hurts too much. Everything hurts, and he can't handle it because he's never really handled it, only run away. But this time, he's boxed in and there's nowhere to run to.

Really though, there's only one thing he wants to know. ]

Why?

[Dammit, Heisuke! Here he is trying to explain what had gone wrong and he gets it all thrown back in his face. He can't hold it in and lets out a bark of laughter at the incredulity of it all.]

You saw my body, not me! I may not be that great of a liar, but if I was gonna bullshit you, do you really think I'd come up with something that ridiculous?

[He laughs again, still unable to find any real humor in the situation, and roughly slips a hand through his hair.]

The only why I can answer is why I didn't stop it all from happening in the first place and the only answer I've got is that I wasn't strong enough. Or I wasn't paying enough attention to this world around me. Or just that I'm not some perfect hero that you and Shinpachi seem to think I am half the time.

[ It's the laughter that makes him lose it, throwing the covers off, pushing himself upright. He's upset and while he's listening to Sano, he's not really hearing him. ]

How the hell would I know? Maybe you're a lot better at it than you claim. You knew, and you kept fucking pushing.

[ Why is this happening? What did he do wrong this time to make this happen? Maybe he should've kept his stupid crush to himself. Maybe he should've done the smart thing from the start and kept himself from falling for her so that he wouldn't have to deal with this later. Maybe, maybe, maybe... but none of it is of any use now. ]

If you were just gonna turn around and stab me in the back later, maybe you should've saved yourself the trouble and just left me in the fucking street! [ ...as if that would've solved anything either, but he's not being rational right now. If he were being rational, he'd have known not to throw that in anybody's faces. What happened then wasn't their fault at all, and he knows it. ]

[...He should have waited. He should have said something different. He should have done something different because this is all going so wrong so fast. This isn't what he wanted. This isn't what they need.

At least Heisuke isn't hiding under the covers anymore? Though what comes out of his mouth is infuriating. Sano leans forward, trying to get a word in edge-wise, but Heisuke just keeps going and going and going -

And then there's that reminder of his death and Sano's fist pounds into the floor as a growl claws free from his throat.]

Don't you fucking dare, Heisuke! Don't you fucking dare throw that in my face! I killed for you that night and I sure as hell would do it again. But you have the balls to accuse me of throwing away our friendship over a girl? Over someone I know is important to you? I can be an asshole, just like anyone else, but I'm not heartless. I thought you knew that.

[ There are tears in his eyes now. Too much, too fast, too wrong, and he wants to run again. Don't confront it, just run.

His hands are shaking, even as he balls them into fists to try and stop it. His eyes are burning, tears building but unshed. His chin quivers as he fights to find the words, tries to find something else to say, but there isn't anything else. He's never been good with words, just with putting his foot in his mouth. ]

...get out.

[ Like that ]

[Sano doesn't move, just stays there, leaning forward with his fist still connected to the floor, his chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath and any semblance of calm. He's angry, but still in enough control not to physically lash out at Heisuke.

Of course, he's already caused enough damage with his stupid mouth. He's made Heisuke cry.

Once again he fucked something up. It had only been a matter of time, really. But after all the years of being friends with Heisuke and Shinpachi, of being the unbreakable trio, it had almost felt like they would be different and that Sano could actually hang onto something.

Stupid. How could he have fooled himself so well?

Finally, he sits up straight again and exhales. When he speaks, his voice is quiet, as well, a stark contrast to how it had just been moments before.]

...Fine.

[He pushes himself to his feet.]

[ Where Sano thinks it's his fault, Heisuke's blaming himself. Friends weren't exactly something easily come by for him, especially given the circumstances surrounding his blood relations, so clearly the reason why everything is coming apart at the seams is because of something he did. He'd messed up the last friendship he'd had, so it was only a matter of time before this one went, too. He's honestly surprised it lasted as long as it did.

He's quiet as Sano gets to his feet, blinking hard to try and force the tears away, turning his head... and catching sight of the tea, sitting there cooling. He hadn't noticed it before. It wasn't anything they had there, which meant it had come from somewhere else. Something small and seemingly insignificant, but it makes the tears he's been trying to fight off spill over.

There's no sound from him as he gets to his feet, not even a whimper or sob. He messed up, and one of the best things that's ever happened to him in his relatively short life -from meeting Sano and Shin to every moment thereafter- is falling apart because of him. Everything he's ever done has been a jumble of regrets and second guesses, and this is no different.

...but...

Head down, eyes squeezed shut because the tears sting something fierce, Heisuke stumbles forward. One shaky step, then another, and another coming in rapid succession until he collides with Sano, hands grabbing at his clothes, fingers curling in the fabric and holding fast. It's only then that he lets himself cry.

...that second guess says that maybe he shouldn't be letting go just yet. ]

No, don't.

[ It's hard to speak, his words interspersed with sobs and sniffles. ]

...Please?

[He turns and starts to walk toward the door, his steps slow. And yet there's something at the back of his mind that whispers, as if he shouldn't leave just yet. But what else could he do? Yell some more? Cause Heisuke to cry some more? He can't do this right now, not when he's still upset. If he gives Heisuke some time, then maybe Sano will also have calmed down a little and they can attack this with clearer heads.

Yeah...maybe that's a better idea. Assuming they both get clearer heads.

It's when he's almost reached the door that a weight suddenly collides with his back, causing Sano to stumble for a second to keep his balance. And then he feels hot tears bleed through the fabric of his shirt against his skin. And that voice, broken with Heisuke's own emotions...

Sano's eyes fall closed and he stand there unmoving, unsure of how to feel about the sudden change of Heisuke's mind. But isn't it obvious as to how he should react? This is a second chance, isn't it?

He sighs.]

I can't really go anywhere anyway with you attached like that, now can I?

[The words are teasing, though the tone doesn't quite get there, too.]

[ He doesn't know whether those words are a good thing or a bad thing because the tone doesn't match up. He doesn't know whether Sano heard him, or even cared after everything else. All he knows is that if Sano walks through that door, then that's it. At the same time, he can't help shrinking back from him, forcing his hands to release their hold, forcing himself to step back and give him space.

He's scared, and he doesn't know what to do. ]

...sorry.

[ Hugging his arms around himself for lack of anywhere else to put them and in hopes he'll stop shaking, he lowers his head and stares at the floor, more unsure of himself right now than he's been in years. ]

I... I don't-- I don't want you to go.

[Heisuke extracts himself from Sano and, once again, Sano realizes how stupid he was to have not given a straight answer. Will he ever learn?

But he still doesn't move to leave, because he heard Heisuke, both before and now, and there's no way he could leave in good conscience and hope that things would mend themselves. Heisuke's a good kid with a good heart. Yes, he said some awful things, but didn't Sano go a little far, too? They're upset and when tempers rise, their intelligence levels drop. But Heisuke's words are genuine, Sano feels it more than anything, can tell the difference between play pouting and legitimate sadness.

Which is why he turns around and returns to stand in front of Heisuke.]

Then I won't go.

[Tugging the end of one of his sleeves over his hand, he reaches toward Heisuke's chin, lifting up his head enough for him to gently wipe any tears left behind.

And, quietly - ]

...I'm sorry, too. For this whole mess.

[ He doesn't move at all, half afraid that if he does, Sano will walk out. He's even resigned himself to losing yet another friend -or friends, because if Sano goes, Shinpachi will follow because he knows those two are closer to each other than he is to either of them.

...except Sano's not walking away.

Heisuke can feel his hand lifting his chin, can see the movement even, and as Sano starts to wipe away tears, he starts to worry, letting Sano finish speaking before saying anything himself. His voice is a bit rough and all parts quiet, but there's a hint of 'oh please no' in there as he stares at him with wide eyes, his face red from crying.

He'd completely forgotten about Sano and tears.]

If you kiss me, I'm punching you.

[Sano is about to dab at Heisuke's other cheek when that statement comes out. And his hand freezes in mid-air for a second before he lowers it and straightens up, frowning at Heisuke.

Because, really? He's getting accused of womanizing now? Heisuke, have you forgotten you're not a woman?]

I ain't gonna kiss you.

[Sighing yet again, he bends back down to continue what he started, mumbling "I try to do one nice thing" to himself. But as he does, Heisuke's words sink in some more.]

...Would you feel better if you did hit me?

Good, because that would be weird.

[ This time, he behaves, allowing Sano to wipe away the tears and not opening his mouth again just yet. He knows he's not a girl, but Sano acted weird before so he doesn't want to take chances.

Though, he has to think on that one. Would that make him feel better? Maybe... ]

...are you gonna hit me back, because if so, then no, I wouldn't feel better because I'd be really sore after.

One free hit.

[Satisfied with his tear-wiping, Sano straightens up and hooks his thumbs into the waist of his pants. He doesn't hesitate in giving the option a second time. With as much as he's launched Heisuke across the room before, it's really only right. Karma had to catch up eventually.

However...]

But just one. So if you do it, you better make it count.

No take-backs, okay? [ Deep breath ] Okay, here goes...

[ Biting his lower lip, Heisuke straightens up himself, looking Sano over before taking that one swing. Hey, he did say to make it count...

...so be grateful he's not wanting to be a dick about things because this one is landing at the lower part of his abdomen, right above poor Sano's crotch. ]

That totally counts.

No take-backs.

[Sano closes his eyes, keeping himself calm, but also mentally preparing for the abuse. Except he figures that Heisuke would go for his chest since it's an easy target and closer than, say, his face.

He also likes to think Heisuke wouldn't be cruel enough to go straight for the family jewels.

...But that hit is awfully close and also unexpected. As soon as the hit registers, Sano automatically tenses up in a means to try and keep things from hurting worse. Except it still hurts and he still gasps and he still stumbles back a few steps.]

Shit!

[He doubles over with his arms crossed low over his body, biting his lip to keep quiet.

Yep, that definitely counts.]

[ He's suddenly really glad Sano agreed to no take-backs, because he doesn't want to think of how hard he'd get hit in return. Well, that and because although Sano isn't Shinpachi, he's still muscular, and Heisuke isn't nearly as strong physically as either of them, so his hand is starting to sting from the blow.

Dammit, Sano, even in a free shot, it still ends up hurting! ]

...are you okay?

[Just give him a second. Give him a second to back up against the wall and just...regain his composure.]

Yeah.

[Okay. Okay, straighten up now...rub the hurt first but straighten up...]

Yeah, I'm great.

[ Oh man, now he feels bad, which is why he lowers his head, shoulders slumping as he grinds his toes into the floor. Sano had said it was a free shot, so why does he feel so bad about it? ]

...you can hit me back if you want. I'm kinda used to getting knocked around by you, so it's okay.

[Sano raises his head to look at Heisuke again, but shakes his head in response.]

I got no reason to.

[Heisuke did nothing wrong, not just now, and not back during the ghost debacle. But Sano still doesn't quite know where they stand regarding all that crap, whether they're okay, on the way to being okay, or still bad. He runs a hand over his hair after a minute.]

Heisuke...I am sorry. For all that happened.

[ He doesn't understand. Of course Sano has a reason to! After everything Heisuke said to him, that should be reason enough. The moment he makes mention of the 'for all that happened', though, he brings his arms up to hug around himself, withdrawing a bit. The emotional burn is still there, but... ]

...It's okay, I guess. I mean... 's not your fault, y'know?

[On the other hand, what Heisuke had said to Chizuru was very much his fault, and he wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to him again after that. ]

[...No. No, Heisuke, don't retreat again.

Sano wants to reach out, to do something to keep Heisuke close, to just comfort him, but it seems that whatever he ends up doing only hurts Heisuke more. What is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to say?

He doesn't know.

But he lowers himself down the floor, wincing a little bit as he goes, and tries to think of something, anything.]

But it doesn't feel okay.

[ Wait, whoa, what are you doing, Sano? ]

Sa-- Sano-san...?

[ Almost immediately, Heisuke drops to the floor in dogeza, his hair fanning out on the ground. He doesn't like this. He doesn't like the not feeling okay, but he's terrible at fixing things, so instead he does the first thing that comes to mind. It's not a normal response, a bit extreme really, and he knows that, but he wants to show him that he's truly sorry for what he did. ]

I'm... I'm sorry. For all of it. I'm sorry. If you wanna yell at me or hit me or walk out, it's okay, just... don't be mad? Please?

[ And if he runs into Chizuru, she's getting the same apology. ]

[closed] every path is nothing but pain and suffering

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