estoria | I'm a whole lot better [CLOSED]

Entry tags:

sanji,
zoro roronoa

I'm a whole lot better [CLOSED]

Who: Zoro

serving_love
When: IC 7/19 during the event
Where: Straw Hat Apartments, Occupancy 2
What: Neither Zoro nor Sanji have ever told anyone else in the crew where they spent their two years training. Spirit fox shenanigans are going to force them to find out each other's secret.
Rating/Warning: nothing I can think of, maybe some sensitive topics discussed?

[Zoro has been on the slightest of edges since the day the world glitched around him, and though he still chalks it up to a technology problem inside ViViD, since it happened while he was in the gravity room, Weiss's information makes him wonder. Was he supposed to be in that train tunnel? Was he supposed to die?

And then this place just gets worse on him today, he wasn't sure for a good number of hours but now he's certain there's a weird white fox trailing him around. Only not a real one, no, it's all wispy and shit, and whenever he turns to look at the flitter of white, gauzy movement in his peripheral sight, it darts away, avoiding his eye. He only saw it once for the fox-shape it is, on his way back from the dojo, and though he hurried his pace to get indoors without it and hopefully trap it outside, he's pretty sure he just saw it drift through the kitchen. Dammit.

He is not drunk enough for this.

He hasn't even hardly settled into the couch cushions and he's up again, pacing, trying to see where the ghostly fox went. Maybe he can chase it out? Maybe he can find a fresh bottle of sake in the kitchen while he's at it. Cook's around, though...]

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[He looks back around at that first thing, trying to gauge Zoro's reaction for a moment. But it seems his comment about the fox worked and he snorts a little at the abrupt change in topic, before spreading his hands in a shrug.]

How the fuck am I supposed to control it, I don't even know where the damn thing is half the—oi!

[But oops, okay. So apparently it was right there. Sanji frowns as Zoro shoves him, ready to snap at him in a knee-jerk reaction, but then he goes rigid as another memory that isn't his own washes over him. This one sends him reeling more than the last one did, mostly because of the complicated tangle of emotions that hits him. It wipes the irritation from his face, leaving his expression blank as he clings to the back of the couch briefly to keep from losing his balance entirely.

When he's able to, he sits back against the couch cushion again and shakes his head with a slight wince. Then he finds Zoro, watching him carefully.]

Ah...sorry. I didn't... [Mean to. Honestly. But instead of saying that, he just shakes his head again and then drags his hands over his face and pushes them back into his hair.

These things really are a pain in the ass. And a huge shitty invasion of privacy.]

[Fuck that's not fun, not one bit. Zoro takes huge, deep breaths, trying to push it down and keep himself from retching at the sensation, but it passes and leaves him capable of sitting up. He can still see the fox just standing there like it wasn't responsible for any of this, and hurls himself at it, not so much to catch it but just to make it go away. This time it actually runs from him, dashing off into another room.

Good, now. Zoro shoots Sanji a wary look as he pushes himself to his feet.]

Tell me.

[obviously he saw something, Zoro just wants to know what it was so he knows what to think about it.]

[Sanji lets his hands drop into his lap, peering up at Zoro in a cautious, if also somewhat curious way. It's a moment before he speaks, but there's no point in putting it off.]

You were young. Probably around the same shitty age you just saw me. And there was a girl.

[He could go into more details, but why? There's no way Zoro won't know what he's talking about. So he just finishes it as quickly as he can.]

She died.

[Oh, of course. Of course it was that. Leveling the playing field is right.

Though, Zoro doesn't quite pale the way he did over his more recent secret. Instead, he turns in the direction he last saw the white shadow run off to and bellows after it.]

You fucking asshole! Get out of my fucking head and leave me alone!

[he really needed to get that out of his system, first. Now that he has, he drags a hand down his face, heaving a huge, defeated sigh. It doesn't hurt quite as much as he might have expected, the twinge of reminder is there and then gone. Still, he'd rather sweep it all under the nearest rug than just sit down and tell the story. If Sanji asks, he'll answer, though.

His knees go weak, dropping him back down onto the couch so hard the whole thing creaks.]

Yeah. She died.

[Sanji glances over his shoulder, maybe trying to spot where Zoro's fox ran off to even if it's pointless. His own is no longer hanging out on the back of the couch, so he can only hope it ran off in the same direction as Zoro's, which is presumably out of the room.

He pulls a leg up as Zoro collapses onto the couch, turning partway to face him. He's got about different questions on the tip of his tongue, but it feels like he needs to tread carefully with this one. Maybe he should just leave it alone...]

Who was she?

[Nope. Can't. But he'll try not to pry too much, at least.]

[It's fine, Zoro can handle this. It's kind of interesting, actually, that even though he's never wanted to volunteer this information, he's come to terms with it. Still, he keeps his scarred eye toward Sanji rather than meet his gaze, and his tone is low and quiet]

You remember the first time I faced Hawk-Eyes, at your restaurant? When he asked me why I wouldn't give up.

[with a knife plunged hilt-deep into his chest. "A promise to a friend." He's sure Luffy, Usopp, and the cook all heard it]

She was the friend I made a promise to.

[Of course he remembers, that's not something he's ever likely to forget. That entire day had been eye-opening in more ways than one, thanks to both Luffy and Zoro. He'd been so conflicted watching that entire fight. Conflicted and shocked and not a little awed. At the time, it had been hard to understand why Zoro would put himself in that position. Fighting an unbeatable opponent, refusing to accept defeat even when the outcome was obvious...

Looking back now, Sanji can't believe some of the things he said then. But he'd been so stuck on the idea of repaying Zeff, of supporting the old man's dream, that he'd almost set aside his own. More than that, he hadn't been ready to take on the shitty sea again, with all the mysteries and dangers it held. Somewhere along the line, he'd started hesitating. He'd forgotten how to push himself to overcome anything that seemed impossible. He had settled.

He lacked conviction.

Zoro didn't have that problem. Nor Luffy. And the effect it had had on Sanji had been astounding.

Sanji nods at Zoro's quiet explanation, a new understanding dawning within him. That moonlit night, the words the two of them had exchanged. Her worries. Their oath to each other. Zoro was still carrying that with him, all these years later. That's why he hadn't backed down from Mihawk. Why he'd faced him straight on.]

You're doing it for her. She can't become the world's greatest, so you're gonna do it for both of you.

[Hearing someone else say it feels weird. Moreover, someone who sounds rather like he actually understands, not just 'oh I get it' but really, somewhere deep down, is capable of understanding him. Zoro presses a hand to his lips for a moment, not to hold anything back but to give himself space to think.]

I was. But...it's not so simple anymore.

[dragging this out of him is like pulling a hundred-ton anchor from a long-dead galleon out of thousand-kilometer deep water with your bare hands, but given that Sanji also saw his memory of his demand to be trained, the two moments actually fit with one another. After a long pause, it finally comes out.]

It isn't just my promise to her. It's about Luffy, and the rest of the crew, now. She got me started on the path, but I have to keep going for him, not her. At least, that way I can still keep my promise to her.

[Sanji hums a little as he takes that in, looking out across the room.]

Makes sense that it would evolve. You started as a shitty solo act, now you got a whole crew to think about. And a captain to support. We're more than just individual wants and dreams. Luffy needs us.

[And vice versa.

He pauses there for a moment, though, then glances back at Zoro out of the corner of his eye.]

Which makes you trying to throw your damn life away that time all the more stupid.

[Ignoring that they JUST talked about the whole Kuma thing pretty recently, this new knowledge about Zoro's past has faint irritation prickling up in Sanji all over again. Because okay, fine, it does still piss him off that Zoro was so ready to give up his dream. And maybe that makes him a hypocrite for being willing to do the same thing, for Luffy, for the others, and sure it's a moot point now anyway since neither of them died then, but it just—

Knowing Zoro's been carrying around his friend's dream this whole time, as well, and was still so willing to do that...

Ugh, god, he makes Sanji so damn mad.

Regardless of how much he also respects him.]

[Bringing that up now irritates him, but at least that rouses him from the gloom and brings a spark of life back]

I wasn't trying to throw it away! Don't act like I made that decision lightly. I was trying to save the crew, it was the only choice. [pokes him hard in the arm, several times] Not like you can talk, you tried to do the exact same thing as me, asshole.

[which has always bothered him, at the back of his mind. He wouldn't have expected the cook, of all people, to step up like that on his behalf, to try to save his life through sacrifice. There were much smarter options he could have turned to...weren't there?

But now knowing what the guy went through as a kid - I'm a survivor - it makes even less sense that his survival instincts took a back seat to that sacrifice. Just what was going through his head, that time?

No, not deliberately walking through the fox to find out first-hand.]

So much for being a survivor. Kuma would've killed you, and we'd have been without a cook. You know what that would have done to everyone.

[Scowls something fierce, twisting so his arm is out of Zoro's reach. It means he's sitting sideways on the couch now, facing Zoro straight on.]

Surviving is different, it's not letting the tough shit in life beat you down. That was doing what was necessary in the moment -- fuck, I shouldn't even have to explain! You know what that was, you didn't hesitate either!

[Which, actually, is why stepping up like that was so significant for Sanji. Facing death, not being afraid of it, finding it within himself to push through until the end -- that's what he hadn't been able to understand that day at the Baratie.]

It's not like I don't get it. I know why you did it, marimo, but it fucking pisses me off. If you die, what the hell would the crew do? What would Luffy do? And your dream, you can't become the best if you're not fucking alive!

[Yeesh, it's really coming out now. Everything he didn't say the last time they talked about it, when he'd mostly tried to brush it off. This conversation is different, though. It's full of shit they'd probably never say to each other on their own, without the prompting of shitty ghost foxes.

He holds up a hand, then, before Zoro can say what Sanji assumes he's going to say.]

I'm not saying my dream is less important. But you could find another cook. And you could still find All Blue without me.

Why should we? What's the point if you're not there to see it?!

[Raising his voice out of frustration, not even caring that this is stuff he's also kept to himself out of some weird sense of wanting the meaningful things left unsaid, implicitly understood between them. Oh well, too late now, he's on a roll, too.]

I'm tired of doing things as an homage to someone dead, I want everyone to live! My dream means nothing if Luffy or anyone else dies for it! The strongest swordsman has to protect his crew, not watch them die before his eyes!

[part of him wants to grab Sanji by the shirt collar and shake him, trying to beat it into him, but it's no use. Zoro clenches a hand and then eases off, going into a slouch with arms folded over his chest.]

What I don't get is why you did it for me. And don't give me that shit about Luffy needing me, he needs you just as much - your strength, your brain. If I hadn't knocked you out, the crew still would've lost someone powerful, one way or another.

It ain't pointless carrying your friend's dream with you.

[So why would it be pointless carrying Sanji's? Not that he doesn't get what Zoro's saying. He sure as fuck wants everyone to live, too. ALL of their dreams would feel a little empty if they lost a member on the way to achieving them, Zoro doesn't get some kind of special shitty claim just because he's a swordsman.

He has to look away when Zoro continues talking, feeling his face go a tad warm. It's not like... Shit, he would've done that for any of his nakama. He didn't try to stand there and offer himself up specifically because it was Zoro, but he also wasn't not going to do it because it was him. It shouldn't be surprising, or confusing, or whatever Zoro's feeling. Because sure, maybe they don't always appear to have the greatest relationship, but Sanji knows otherwise. He knows that deep down, they usually understand each other. And they respect each other.

In fact, it's almost insulting that Zoro thinks Sanji wouldn't do that for him, dammit!

Sanji clenches his teeth, his hands closing into fists as he whips his head back around to glare at the other man.]

I did it for everyone, same as you! The hell is there to get? You think I wanna see you dead or something? How the fuck do you think it felt when I finally fucking woke up, huh?! I had no idea where you were -- and then you were drenched in shitty blood when I found you. For a second, I almost thought you did die. I mean fuck, Zoro, you asked if I was worried about you, but I never thought I had to be until you pulled that bullshit!

[At least, with two years distance between now and then, even with memories being tossed back and forth between them, a lot that was raw and hard then has cooled by now. Zoro lets him rage back, his lips twitching briefly as if to stop himself from interrupting. It stung, being reminded that it wasn't just about him. He and the cook were carrying the full weight of that moment together, so that none of the others would ever have to know that kind of pain and worry. But that means however he feels about that day, Sanji feels it, too.]

You don't gotta worry about me. [although, too little too late, there. He sighs and tips his head back against the back of the couch.] Look, there's no point in arguing about it. That was a long time ago, and we're both stronger now. You saw for yourself what I had to do to get there, and I've seen your hell. That time, that'll never happen again.

[he sits up and then shifts slightly toward Sanji, his eye still focused mainly on his hands in his lap. It could almost be mistaken for shyness.]

If you saw what I said to Hawk-Eyes, to get him to train me...then you know. It's not about carrying her dream with me. It's not about me at all, anymore.

[that was the most open he had ever been, his plea came from a heart laid bare and exposed. He wouldn't ever even be able to say so, but if Sanji witnessed it through spirit-fox shenanigans, he doesn't have to. He can only hope the cook understands what he saw.]

[He knows there's no point in arguing. They both did what they did for the same reasons, so how can one of them be more "right" than the other? And Zoro's as stubborn as he is, so there's probably no making him understand why Sanji put Zoro's dream ahead of his own in that moment.

Though, really... Zoro's right. There's been a shift in things since then. Since Kuma, since Sabaody.

Since they realized that what they were wasn't enough, and all spent two years getting stronger for Luffy.

Luffy is the man who must become the Pirate King, and everything they do from this point onward, as a whole, as a crew, is about making sure that happens. It's why Zoro set aside his pride, why Sanji suffered through his hell...why all of them did what they had to do.

They're not playing games anymore, if they ever were to begin with. Sanji's known ever since entering the New World that they've been on a completely different level.

He gets it.

So it takes him another moment or two of watching Zoro, but eventually he exhales noisily and stops holding himself so stiffly. He lets the tension flow out of his shoulders and slumps sideways into the couch, his frown relaxing as he lowers his eyes, as well.]

Yeah. I know.

[No need to elaborate further. He does understand.

After another beat, the corner of his mouth tugs upwards.]

I'll stop getting on your ass about shit that ain't even relevant anymore.

[Zoro finally looks at him, one eyebrow arching the way it does when he's curious but at the same time not sure he wants the answer.]

It still bothers you. How come?

[he stops short of demanding that Sanji put it behind him the way he has; it's getting through his thick head, that as much as he sometimes expects the cook to be just like him in all ways rather than just a few, they are their own people. Similar, not the same. What's easy for him isn't so much for Sanji, and he wants to know why that is.

But then, not sure he wants or needs that answer.

Usually, when they get so close to one another, sharing something so intimate, Zoro's instinct is to balance it out by pushing away, getting gruff, finding something shallow to argue about until they're back at that old familiar level of snarling at each other over pointless shit. Not today, though. Today, he moves his hand over and gently raps the back of his hand against Sanji's nearest knee.]

At least now I get why you were off your head when we met back up on Sabaody.

It doesn't...

[He starts to speak, but then pauses, mulling it over. Because it's a combination of things, really, going all the way back to Zeff and the Baratie. Sanji doesn't need or want anyone else giving up anything for him. And there's something about this new knowledge he has now, that Zoro was so willing to give up not just his own dream, but also his friend's, that's really making him...fuck, something. He can't even really explain it to himself, let alone Zoro. But it's similar to when Zoro was asking why Sanji tried to step in for him. Why he did it for Zoro, and despite what his own reply was, Sanji still wants to fire the same question right back at him. Why would he knock Sanji out when he had promises to make good on? Why couldn't he just let Sanji fucking do that for him?

It's a circular argument, though. They're just going to keep throwing the same explanations at each other, and it's over something that's two years gone.

He tries to give Zoro something, though. Some kind of response, his words coming slowly and carefully.]

I didn't realize you had that promise. To your friend. I thought I was just protecting your dream, but now I know it would've meant protecting hers, too. And I can't— Fuck, I dunno. It just threw me, that's all. Realizing you would've been giving that up, too.

[Sanji hesitates again, but then decides to just get it all out.]

You know, that shitty ol' geezer lost his whole crew, his fucking leg, everything to save some brat he didn't even know. So I decided I was gonna repay him by helping him with the restaurant. Making sure his dream came true was the least I could do, but I kinda... I made that too important. I set my own shit aside. Hell, I told Luffy no like five times before Zeff practically kicked me out, took that much to knock some sense into me. So maybe I just got a thing.

[He tips his head toward Zoro, grinning faintly.]

I don't like people giving up shit for me, but then I turn around and do the same thing.

[The hand against his knee has Sanji huffing out a soft laugh, and he rolls his eyes at Zoro's words. He feels like normally he'd get in a defensive snit about that and snap something back at him, but...it's not in him to do that right now.]

Look, you asshole, I was a little overwhelmed, alright? Two fucking years without seeing a real woman and then suddenly they were everywhere!

[Zoro absorbs the entire explanation in silence, his eye completely trained on Sanji now, though he shifts his gaze from his face down to his hands and back, for some reason, just sort of studying him. It all fits, now, the sense of obligation in particular. But where he shouldered the burden up until the moment when that burden might have meant his death by a Marine firing squad, the cook seemed to have been more stubborn than he. Wonder of wonders. But Zoro gets it, now, and accepts without argument.]

Yeah, well. I ain't gonna let you give that up for anything. Just so you know. Goes both ways.

[he can't help but roll his eye right back, because once a pervert, always a pervert, even with extenuating circumstances.]

Yeah, uh huh, and you just couldn't control yourself.

[He can't talk, he got actually wasted twice on Fishman Island thanks to Mihawk's prohibition. Hmm, did the cook see that part of his memory?

Something's going on, here, between them, something they haven't managed since before Little Garden. They're talking. Bonding. It's like that night the other week when they went to dinner and got through it without anything resembling a fight. Zoro backed off, then, letting it simmer, but something in his chest is pushing him not to back off, this time. He's never treated Sanji with the same affections he affords the younger guys in the crew, barely a back-pat here and there, so he drops his gaze to his own hand, willing it to come up with an idea and act on it. After a long pause to try to come up with something, he just knocks against Sanji's knee again, and this time lets it linger a few seconds too long.]

[Goes both ways, huh. Well fine. Maybe he can deal with that. He accepts it silently, taking a deep breath and letting it out.

The rest, well. Sanji crosses his arms over his chests, chin lifted in a stubborn way as he harrumphs. Mostly for show.]

Sensory overload.

[His breath hitches a bit as Zoro's hand knocks into him again. It's not something they usually do, this casual sort of touching -- and talking, really. So he's almost overly aware of it, that touch feeling like it's burning straight through the material of his pants and into his skin. He swallows after a moment, forcing himself to keep his eyes on Zoro's face and not make anything out of it.]

Pretty sure I terrified the shit out of some of those poor girls, though.

[He shrugs as if to say: Oh well! What can you do?]

[snort!] Try all of 'em. At least the mermaids didn't mind it.

[not that he's jealous, but he is testing. Knowing what kind of reaction that's going to get, gauging it for himself. Why? He doesn't know. Zoro's just rolling on some vague instinct now]

Where's that bastard gone? I want to go in the kitchen and get that sake but I don't wanna run into it on the way.

[Uwaaaah, that's right, the mermaids~~ Sanji tips his head back to rest against the couch, letting out a loud, happy sigh.]

Ahh, the All Blue of my heart~! Shit, I wasn't convinced I didn't actually fuckin' die and go to heaven then.

[He sits up at Zoro's question, glancing over his shoulder and then around the room.]

Dunno. Don't see him. You're probably safe.

[Hopefully, geez. Sanji doesn't need Zoro seeing anything else right now. There's a lot he's not ready to share with any of the others just yet.]

[Yep, called it. Zoro keeps his exasperation to himself and pushes up off the couch]

All right, but if he's lurking in the kitchen to pounce on me, don't say I didn't warn you. [huff] I ain't gonna be forced to just stay in bed for however long they're around to avoid running into one.

[As annoying as it will be to constantly warn each other when a wispy white figure appears around a corner for the next few days, it's preferable to hiding like cowards. Life has to go on, and so Zoro goes to fetch the sake and bring the bottle back with him, opening it and getting ready for a swig as he comes. No glasses, though. As he returns to the couch, he offers the bottle to Sanji. Sharing nasty memories goes down better with booze.]

[Makes a face.]

This kinda shit only ever seems to last for a few days, at least.

[He takes the bottle when it's handed to him, downing a gulp or two without hesitation. It's one of those days when even he isn't going to make a fuss about glasses.]

All that stuff with the ol' man is about as far back as I'm willing to share. Heh, maybe otherwise I'd spill all my shit to you now just to get it out of the way.

[He's kidding, but honestly it would probably be better than Zoro accidentally seeing it all and Sanji having to explain after the fact Ugh.]

[eases back onto the couch, ready for his turn with the sake]

Up to you, but when it comes down to it, I don't need to know. I don't think there's anything you could say that would change anything.

[so he says, not knowing what else is buried in Sanji's past. Then again, he doesn't talk about life before Isshin Dojo either.]

At least, I ain't gonna ask. Personal stuff...it's fine if you wanna keep it private. There's a lot about me you don't know either.

[Sanji waves a hand, dismissing the idea that he's going to share more.]

Joking, marimo. Think if we gab anymore, we're gonna have to start braiding each other's shitty hair.

[Though suddenly, and maybe for the first time, he's insanely curious just what he doesn't know about Zoro's past. It could be damn near anything, after all. He knows that all too well.

He takes another swig, then hands the bottle over.]

You ain't secretly a prince or something, though, right?

[...I mean, it doesn't hurt to check.]

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